Why Are Mothers-in-Law Such Hags?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am engaged to marry in August. It is the 2nd marriage for both of us. I have two sons ages 18 & 14. He has one son age 4. His former wife is now re-married, but his mother still insists on having her in our lives. She went to the hospital when the ex-wife had her child with the present husband, who is no relation, and my (future) mother-in-law buys that child gifts. Yet, she refuses to acknowledge my children whatsoever!! She has even refused to come to our home for a holiday dinner if MY children were going to be there!
Am I right for hating this woman?
Signed,
Future Daughter-in-Law to a Hag
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Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,
Of course you are right for hating this woman. It’s in the marriage by-laws, for crying out loud. Well, maybe it’s not, but at the very least we whisper the vow “and to hate your mother” right after we promise to love, honor and cherish the groom, right?
Yet hating our mothers-in-law lumps us in with one of life’s biggest clichés. I don’t know about you but I really hate living a cliché. Also, I want to make sure you’re actually complaining about your mother-in-law NOT coming over to your home. I’m confused – is that a problem? Unless you need her visits as an excuse to drink, and if that’s the case, how dare she ruin that for you!
I don’t understand why there is tension between wives and mothers-in-law other than it’s some sick yet deeply embedded power struggle. (And a lot of mothers-in-law are hags.) This conflict appears to be part of the human game, but the good thing about being human (other than opposable thumbs which serve us well when holding a wine glass) is we can make a conscious choice to play along with the power struggle or not. You can play along, in which case you’ll have a lot of company but not much fun. Or you can decide not to get in the ring with her, go about with your life and be happy.
Happiness really is the best revenge against hags.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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I Promise to Have and to Hold…Other Lovers
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a gay male who’s in a relationship with a fantastic guy. The problem is a promise I made when we first got together. He told me that his ideal situation would be to have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time. I told him this was fine, since neither of us really expected the relationship to go far. Now I’m in love and kicking myself. He’s gone on a date with one woman and it killed me. But, I made a promise, and I can’t take it back just because it’s gotten harder to keep. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to break my word. What do I do?
Signed,
Promise That Came Back to Bite Ass
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Dear Promise That Bit Ass,
Even though I’m a straight married female, your boyfriend and I have a lot in common. My ideal situation would be to have both a husband and a wife at the same time too! Then I could have the benefits of a husband who does manly stuff, like cut the grass and lift heavy boxes into the attic, AND the benefits of a wife who does womanly stuff, like cook dinner and paint toenails. Then the entire world would revolve around my wants and desires and no one else’s. Doesn’t that sound like heaven?
But, damn it, I had to go and promise to love and cherish only one person. Sigh. If only I knew what I was getting into – all the dinners cooked, all the trash I’ve taken out. Too late for me though since a promise is a promise, never to be broken. Except when I promised my 8-year-old son we’d play Apples to Apples and then broke it. I hate that game to the Nth power so we didn’t end up playing it. But I swear I made it up to him by baking cookies. Maybe you could break your promise but make it up to your boyfriend by going out with someone else.
Perhaps in our society we do take our promises too lightly, even the more serious ones, so I commend you for your integrity. But those ethics of yours are really getting in the way of my advice! As relationships evolve, expectations in the beginning morph into different ones as time passes. At least that’s been my experience. It sounds as if your expectations of an open relationship have changed to one of a more committed relationship. Is that breaking a promise? I don’t think so.
My best advice to you is to talk honestly to your boyfriend. He may be ready for more commitment in the relationship. Or it could be he’s just a man-whore who wants the world to revolve around his wants and desires, and in that case, he’s not the fantastic guy you thought.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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There is an ‘I’ in Marriage
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Lately my husband seems to be stuck in a self-centered world. I go out of my way to do things for him, but I have to practically start World War 3 before he’ll do one little thing for me. The perfect example: Last night I felt sick but I still got up to make him three grilled cheese sandwiches. About 30 minutes later, my stomach felt better so I asked if he would make me a sandwich. He said, “Not this time, I really have to get my homework done.” Then he continued to sit on his duff watching TV for another 15-20 minutes.
He used to be a caring individual. How do I get rid of the self-centered jerk and get back the thoughtful man I married?
Signed,
Short End of the Marriage Stick
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Dear Short End,
Your situation makes me angry and when you combine anger with PMS, you get a very dangerous Mouthy Housewife. So watch out, people! I usually channel my powers for good and not evil, but today I’m digging out my red-horned headband and playing devil’s advocate.
If you can get up to make a meal for me when you’re sick, why in hell should I make one for you when you’re feeling better?
Do you now see the insanity of your actions? You’re demonstrating a lack of self-respect when you feel ill but get up to make a meal for someone fully capable of feeding himself. And then you turn around and ask him to cook for you when you’re feeling better? You’re playing the Game of Wifely Martyrdom and I must inform you that no one ever wins it. (Spoiler alert! All players die a persecuted death.)
Stop going out of your way to do things for your husband. I know what you are thinking: Heather played devil’s advocate too well and has lost sight of all things holy, such as conventional marital wisdom! But hear me out. There are those who do things for their spouse because they love them, and there are some who do things for their spouse because they expect something in return. The latter will get your marriage nowhere but to that persecuted death.
I suggest you go out of your way to do things for yourself. Feeling sick? Go out of your way to take care of yourself. Feel like cooking? Go out of your way to find a meal that sounds delicious to you, cook it and share it your husband. Feeling bored? Go out of your way to find something fun to do and your husband can join you. Or not. You’re having fun either way. I won’t guarantee your husband will magically transform back into a caring individual, but the focus isn’t to change him anyway. (Spoiler alert #2! Changing others never works.) Focus on changing yourself instead.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Real Housewives of Backstab County, Episode 1
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend and her husband have been married for more than 20 years. I’m married too, and all of our kids are good friends. Here’s the kicker: my friend’s husband has a BIG crush on me and I would love to shag his brains out. So far I have ignored it all, but my friend has definitely noticed. We live in a small community and obviously if I were to shag him all hell could break loose – something I am not prepared to put everyone through. When I’m not ovulating (ha) I can be quite rational about it and, in fact, feel resentful towards him for putting so much at risk.
I need your advice. Do I ignore him? Do I play along with it by being open and funny about his thing with me (in front of her)? Do I point the facts out to him or just throw caution to the wind? Thank you!
Signed,
Hot and Bothered
P.S. My husband and I laugh about it.
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Dear Hot and Bothered,
Right away I see the root of your problem. You were a rabid As the World Turns fan, possibly even a cast member, and now that the show is canceled you are trying to fill the void in your life with a personal soap opera. We could call your version As My World Implodes. Because that’s exactly what will happen if you “just throw caution to the wind” which I assume is a tasteless euphemism for “screw my friend’s husband.”
As many times we Mouthy Housewives see humor in things, I really don’t see how you can play along and be funny about this in front of your friend. How would that work? “Tee he he, Jon, you’re such a flirt. Jane, we all know your husband wants a piece of my badonkadonk. Isn’t that funny, your husband lusting after your friend?!”
Your only option is obvious: Ignore him. And by ignore him, I mean stop being around him. It’s one thing to appreciate that a friend’s spouse is a hottie and think she’s a lucky girl. It’s even acceptable to sometimes fantasize about sex with in-real-life people. But decency ends there and I think you know it.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
P.S. What drug do you slip into your husband’s nightcap that he thinks it’s funny you want to shag another man? I might like to keep some stashed in case I ever run into Daniel Craig and shag him. I certainly want my husband to see the humor in that!
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I Want to be Faceless on Facebook
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve come to you with a Facebook dilemma. My family loves taking and posting pictures on Facebook. Great, except I don’t think so. I recently got together with my family to do the Christmas baking: an all-day marathon of cookies and candy. I dressed suitably for the event in a t-shirt and ratty sweats with my hair in braids and absolutely NO makeup. When I saw the first camera come out I threatened death if any pictures of me ended up on Facebook. Well, there they are AND they won’t take them down. What can I do about my face getting plastered on the Internet? I’m thinking I just won’t attend any more events.
Sincerely,
Faceless on Facebook
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Dear Faceless,
Your first option is to follow through with your threats of death. Of course they are posting those pictures on Facebook. They aren’t taking you seriously! I promise it won’t take but one death to change that. Keep in mind, though, if you go with option one, having your picture on Facebook will be child’s play when compared to having it on America’s Most Wanted.
Your second option is just like you said: you don’t attend any more events. Obviously this must be a lifelong commitment since social media technology isn’t going away. So no more weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, girls’ nights out, holiday parties, cocktail parties, school parties, and after work get-togethers for you, all of which can and do end up on Facebook. You know the t-shirt and ratty sweatpants you wore to the bake-a-thon? Consider that your new wardrobe, because why bother with anything else? Go ahead and dig yourself an underground hobbit hole to live in too, that way perhaps GPS satellites won’t be able to pinpoint your exact house on Google.
Or we can do something less drastic, like accept we live in the 21st century. It can suck at times, I know, and this whole social media thing is a real Catch-22. It’s great to stay connected, but on the other hand, when and where can we be human? When can I go out of the house with no makeup and greasy hair and old boyfriends not find out about it? I also freak out a little when my son gets on my iPhone, finds our home on Google, and there it is, not just an address, but a picture of it too!
What lessons can we learn from living in the limelight of the 21st century social media? There’s a reason it’s called 15-minutes of fame: you should spend at least 15 minutes making yourself presentable to the public. Just ask Brittany Spears about the time she spent only 13 minutes and skipped the underwear to save a little time.
You know your family enjoys taking pictures and posting them on Facebook, so I suggest spending 15 minutes putting on makeup and throwing on jeans and a fitted t-shirt the next time you get together with them.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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