Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Last fall my neighbor went on and on about how she’s not getting the flu shot for her kids because it’s all a big scam. She basically said I was an idiot for getting them for my kids. Then today I heard that her two teenagers have the flu. Is it acceptable to go stand on her front porch and scream, “I told you so!”?
Dear Good Neighbor,
In a word, “NO.” Do not go over to her house while her kids are inside suffering from the flu and scream “I told you so!” Your impulse to immediately rub her face in her mistake is an understandable one, but it’s just not something we do in polite society. Turn the other cheek, take the high road, don’t stick your tongue out at the cop who didn’t see you run that red light, blah blah blah. We need to act like grown-ups and get along with our neighbors.
That said, I see no reason why you still can’t get a little satisfaction out of this situation. And you don’t even need to do anything as obvious as having your kids do calisthenics in her yard while wearing, “I LOVE FLU MIST!” tshirts. (Although that would make a great YouTube video that would probably go viral.) (Get it? VIRAL? It’s the flu, so it’s spread with…nevermind. Medical humor never works.)
What I want you to do is wait about six months until it’s flu shot season again. (This is called “playing the long game.”) Then nicely tell your neighbor you’re getting the shots for your kids and see what she says. If she nods and says, “Me, too,” great! But if she starts in on the whole “it’s a scam” business again, simply pull a bottle of hand sanitizer out of your purse, hand it to her nicely and say, “Well then, you’re going to be needing a few of these. Good luck.” And then walk away with your head held high.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I feel like three tons of sh*t today. Meaning, I have a cold, my head hurts, my eyes are about to fall out of my head, I’ve been in the bathroom for hours with a trash can in front of me because heaven forbid my yuckies come out of only one end!
My questions is: Should I be upset because my wonderful, loving husband (who gave me the damn crud to begin with) just texted asking if we could do the ‘Horizontal Nasty’? My mind is blown! We’ve been together for 17 years and have three kids so he knows what ugly looks like, but he got upset when I texted back, ‘REALLY?! Um, NO!” So am I wrong for not feeling sexy with snot and assorted yuckies everywhere?
Snot Nosed Brat (according to my husband)
Dear Snot Nosed Brat,
Hold on a sec, hon—-just need to spray some Lysol on my computer and rub some Purell on my hands before I answer your question. I mean, thank God I got a flu shot last week because you sound like a bad version of Typhoid Mary right now. And I say that with affection (through the two surgical masks I just put on.)
Now, do I think you’re wrong for not wanting to have sex with your husband when you’re leaking out of every orifice? Hell, yes I do! A wife’s purpose is to serve her man NO MATTER WHAT. Wasn’t that in your marriage vows? “To love, honor, cherish and do the horizontal nasty with even when you have the Swine Flu and may die in a puddle of your own mucus”? I know it was in my vows, but then again, I got married in Nevada. Even monkeys can get married in Nevada.
But you should also be super proud of yourself that your husband still finds you sexy when you’re digusting. Most husbands would just throw a blanket on top of their sick wife and head out of town for a few days, but hey—you’re hot enough to make your husband wanna hit that head cold. Kudos, Sicko!
So I say that what you need to do is call your husband over to your death bed and ask him to wipe the crusty boogers off your cheek. Then hock up loogie, pass some gas and huskily croak, “Get on top and ride me before I have diarrhea again, cowboy. Yeeehaw!”
You’ll be left to recover in peace for as long as you need.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?
Military Wife Mary
Dear Military Wife Mary,
First of all, thank you for your sacrifice and also for your husband’s sacrifice. I know that life in the military isn’t always a walk in the park and please know that we appreciate everything you do.
That said, let’s see if we can get y’all a lil sumpin sumpin so you can relax a little bit.
Now, you said you don’t “believe in masturbation.” That’s fine, I’ll agree to respect your beliefs on that topic. However, please know that it’s a perfectly normal and natural activity and it has saved many a woman from getting so tense that she slaps the grocery store bagger for putting her eggs in the wrong sack just because he’s A COMPLETE MORON. (Or so rumor has it around my neighborhood.)
I’m not going to say any more on that subject, but I will point you to this tasteful book in case you want to change your beliefs. There are also a few “toys” on that website that aren’t weird or gross or shaped like a giant salami, so take a look at those, too.
Otherwise, here are some other suggestions to get some relief:
- Take a Bubble Bath in a jetted tub
- Hold multiple viewings of either “Magic Mike” or David Beckham’s shirtless commercial for a product I can’t remember because, hello, it’s a shirtless David Beckham
- Sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle
- Try the various yoga poses that I personally am not able to either do or describe but are apparently very good at getting your chakras off
- Take a few rides on the 25 cent mechanical pony outside of the grocery store–Yeehaw! Ride ’em cowboy! Stop looking at me, stupid bagger!
Beyond that, I’m at a loss. So I open it up to our readers—how can our friend get her rocks off without, um, anyone even touching her rocks? Let us know!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Halloween is just one day away and my house is full of candy to give to Trick or Treaters. I’m trying to resist it and stick to my diet, but it’s not easy. Any tips on how to resist?
Tempted by Treats
Dear Tempted By Treats,
I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have a lot of willpower. Not to brag, but I personally have a tremendous amount of willpower. In fact, I haven’t even touched the many SWEET JESUS I WOULD KILL FOR A F*$#ING KIT KAT bags of candy I bought for Halloween. Nope, not a single piece of candy has passed by my determined lips.
You see, Tempted, it’s important to remember that dieting OMG SNICKERS ARE LIKE CARMEL METHAMPHETAMINE is a mental game. And one needs to stay strong of mind and appreciate that your body’s health is far more important than GET INTO MY MOUF, YOU DELICIOUS PEANUT M&M BASTARDS a few moments of sugary weakness. For it is our strength that keeps us looking good and feeling good, is it not?
That’s why powerful, clearheaded women like yours truly never, ever I GONNA LICK YOU ALL OVER LIKE A STRIPPER POLE, LAFFY TAFFY even look at our Halloween candy until Halloween night. Out of sight, out of mind, my friend. So my advice to you is to stop being so weak and AWWW, YEAH, 50 SHADES OF TWIX BAR pathetic and eat an apple instead. If you do that, I’ll be proud of you, but more important to note is that I JUST HAD A THREE MUSKETEERS 3-WAY AND NOW I NEED A WINE COOLER AND A CIG you’ll be proud of yourself. Go, you!
BIG NEWS! Today we welcome our new Mouthy Housewife, Karen Gerwin! (@karengerwin) Whoohoo! Karen is a former literary agent, mother of two and resident of Brooklyn, NY! We are thrilled to have her join us and promise to tell you more about her once she settles in. (She’s a little tired from our huge audition process—let’s just say her feet are totally covered in blisters and we still can’t find the live chickens.) So please give Karen a warm welcome and settle in to read her very first piece of Mouthy advice!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just signed up for a year-long membership to a really nice Spin/Pilates studio and so far I love it. However, lately there have been two women who go to the same classes I do and they’re ruining it for me. They giggle and talk to each other during the entire spin/pilates/yoga workout and I find it to be really rude and distracting. (There are only 10-15 women in the class, so it’s very loud.) I would normally say something to the teacher/owner, but she’s friends with them and I don’t want it to turn into a big drama. I’ve tried to figure out the classes they don’t go to, but that’s way too difficult and I don’t want to adjust my life because of them.
Oh, Shhhhh, I feel your pain. At my yoga studio, I am the smelly guy magnet. If I get there early, it never fails that Mr. Stink will unfurl his mat right next to mine. True story: I was once the first to a yoga class, and put my mat down right at the front corner of the room next to the wall. The next person to walk through that door was the token smelly guy and he put his mat right next to mine. And not only that, he lined up the edges instead of staggering, so every time we extended our arms to the side and over our heads, it would be this awkward mental dance of who would move their hands slightly forward or back. I mean, what an asshole. Don’t even get me started on the people who don’t take turns at the entry to the Holland Tunnel. They even had to change the sign from “Alternate Merge’ to “Take Turns Merging’ because people are that stupid and inconsiderate.
Where was I? Oh, right, I was helping you! So, I think you’ve got a few options here:
1. This is what I call the Monica Seles approach. Beat them at their own game by loudly grunting while you’re doing the hundreds, or barking while you are in downward facing dog, or saying “Ahhhhhh” when you hit the downhill portion of spin (I’ve never taken a spin class, so I’m assuming that happens).
2. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Instead of trying to stay as far away from them as you can, be like the smelly guy, and sit right near them. Every time they start talking, turn to them with a big smile on your face and say, “i know, right?” It’s sort of passive-aggressive, but you’ll come away from with it your own catchphrase.
3. Suck it up and talk to the owner. Is she really friends with them, or just friendly? Does she join in the chatter? Either way, I think you could start off by telling her how much you love the studio, love her classes, blah, blah, blah, but you’ve been to a few classes where people are talking, and it’s really distracting. As the owner, she should care about every individual’s experience at her studio. The customer is always right, or in this case, customo’s before ho’s.
4. If you know which classes they go to regularly, do your best to avoid them and go to different ones. I know. This option sucks.
It could be worse. You could live here in Brooklyn, where I’ve heard reports of women bringing their 10 year olds to spinning classes.