Whistle While You Work, Just Not While You Zumba, Jerkface
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently really gotten into Zumba at the gym. It’s fun and burns lots of calories, but my favorite part is just going and cutting off my brain for and hour and de-stressing. Unfortunately, in the past two months, some crazy person has started whistling up a storm at almost nonhuman pitch and volume all during class. They really go to town if the instructor does anything “sexy.”
While I know that Zumba is a fun, dancey class, the constant high pitched noise is making me livid, to the point that I want to figure out who’s doing it and go smack them. I feel really petty that this bothers me so much and every class I try to tune it out and be Zen and all, but it’s so annoying that I feel I’m just going to have to cut out the Zumba all together.
Am I right to feel that the gym is not a strip club and you should not detract from a stress relieving exercise class or am I just being a total bitch? I think I’m a pretty nice person and it bothers me that I can’t seem to be cool with the whistling. I even put in a request in the gym suggestion box that it be discouraged and of course it was laughed off as a joke. Thanks for hearing me out.
Signed,
Zumba Zombie
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Dear Zumba Zombie,
(Full disclosure: I have a headache right now and wisely decided to treat it with Chardonnay and Allegra-D. I am therefore not responsible forf;kv;eakv;eklj;l, the weird crap I may say.) (Oh, shut up. Dear Abby did the same thing.)
Good for you, problem-haver, that you’re doing a workout you like! I, for one, have never tried Zumba because anything where lively, rhythm based dancing is involved gives me the big itchy hives. Alas, tis what’s kept me out of Brazil for my entire life.
But even though I can’t relate to your Zumba experience, I can definitely relate to being pissed off by a jerkface in exercise class. In fact, there are two women in my Yogarobayates class who never, ever stop talking to each other. They think they’re sooooo hilarious as they stretch and reach and discuss what they’re cooking for dinner that night. I’ve seriously considered strangling them with a wet yoga strap, only my biceps are usually too tired to pull it off.
But my low-muscle tone issues aside, what I have done is email the owner of my gym and tell her that those two women are super annoying and that they undermine the teachers’ instructions. After all, you’re supposed to be paying attention to what the instructors say and any weird distraction like whistling might mean you stop paying attention and get injured. Therefore, it’s obviously in the best interest of the gym owner to silence the Zumba Moron, right? (This totally worked for me and the gym owner told them to STFU.)
That’s why I advise you to be a hip shaking Norma Rae and get your toned butt down to the gym manager’s office and tell them in no uncertain terms that the WHISTLING MUST CEASE. It is the instructor’s responsibility to make sure that this no longer happens, so make sure you assert yourself and say so. Chances are this person is bothering many other people in the class, too.
Sometimes causing an aural disturbance is almost as offensive as causing a physical disturbance. So you are totally in the right to complain and I really hope you do so. After all, every whistler need a whistle blower to shut him down.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
Ethically Challenged
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My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH
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How Do I Dump This Abusive Loser?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My ex-boyfriend and I have been doing the off and on thing for 10yrs. He is psychologically abusive. He used to be physically abusive until my brother told him he doesn’t need to be hitting on me, and because he is scared of my brother he quit.
He has cheated on me several times, cut my tires on my car, and numerous other things that are to hard to mention. His daughter, son, and all his friends hate me because he told them a lot of bad things about me.
We are broken up again and he had a new girl friend his daughter found for him, moving in the next day. I want to move on and I have started accepting dates. But I can’t seem to get past the pain of being replaced so easy. I am just heart broken. I text him sometimes he can’t text so he never responds. Finally today I call with this lame excuse to talk to him and he answered which made me feel like a stupid fool. I want to put this relationship behind me and move on I just can’t seem to let go.
Signed,
HELP
______________________
Dear Help,
Let me give you some fast and furious advice: You need to never speak/see/interact with this person (and I use the term loosely) again.
Because you deserve better. So much better.
I believe strongly that when someone shows himself to us, we have to believe him. And this person has shown himself to be an abuser.
He abused you, he terrorized you, he tortured you. You should be getting a restraining order against him, not texting him. (By the way, why are you texting him if he can’t text back? And I’m assuming that he can’t text back because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, right?)
I’m worried that the reason that you keep pursuing him has to do with your self-esteem. Whether this “man” destroyed it or it was precarious before you met him, you need to work through those issues until you believe, with every fiber of your being , that you deserve better. This will not happen overnight but it absolutely can happen and you must MUST take the first step.
There are many resources available to help you. I recommend speaking to your doctor about any suggestions that she may have, and also check out Violence Unsilenced, a website that gives voice to survivors of abuse. Please know that they are very painful stories, but they are also tales of courage and survival and happiness. The resources page is valuable and I urge you to consider it.
I wish you the best. It’s going to take a lot of work on your part, but I hope that you believe that you are worth it. Please keep us posted.
Marinka, TMH
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Mouthing Off: The Period Party
Do you remember when you got your first period? You were probably 12 or 13, a little freaked out and your mom or another female family member most likely gave you the supplies you needed and told you what was going on. However, if you were anything like us, here’s what probably didn’t happen: you were the guest of honor at a Period Party.
Yep, you read that right.
You see, it’s no longer enough for a young girl to start menstruating; now that particular milestone needs to be celebrated with a themed, invitation-only party. Much like everything else in some kids’ lives today. Seriously, are we raising a generation that’s going to expect balloons and cake every time they pass gas or put the toilet seat down? When will this nonsense end?
While we certainly agree that it’s important to take away the scariness and mystique of menstruating, do tweens and teens really need–or want–that done via a party? Like the one we read about where the guests “…ate red jelly beans, drank raspberry leaf tea, and gave their red balloons panty-liner mustaches.” Then the enterprising mother read them selections from The Diary of Anne Frank while they “dunked tampons in their teacups.” Um, is it just us or does that sound like a scene out of some whacko Christopher Guest movie? Like “Waiting for Aunt Flo” or something?
But if you actually do want to throw your daughter a Period Party, there are many resources out there for you. Like MenarchePartiesRUs.com., who sells a party pack that includes plates, cups, feminine disposal bags and the very exciting “Pin the Ovary” and “Puberty Marshmallow” games. So much more fun than the traditional “run to the bathroom and hope your period doesn’t go through your white pants or everyone in the 8th grade will taunt you until you graduate, you dumbass” game we all played, right?
Don’t get stuck in the fallopian tubes!
Other party activities we’ve read about include serving fun menstrual related food like red Jell-O, playing games like “tampon basketball,” as well as “pin the chocolate on the menstruating woman’s mouth” (Note: WE WILL PLAY THIS WITH YOU ANY TIME), and giving the guest of honor “Welcome to Womanhood” gifts like a thermometer, a red candle and cotton pads. Just what every 12 year old dreams of unwrapping! Wow, it makes us wish we were getting our first periods all over again!
And if that weren’t humiliating enough for girls who don’t even like their mothers to drop them off at the curb at school, older women are often invited to the parties to “share their menstrual stories” with the tweens. Yeah. That’s not traumatizing at all.
“And then there was the time I had my period on my honeymoon, so my husband spent the entire time gambling in the casino while I cried on the bathroom floor. Which was still better than that time I had cramps so painful that I took three Vicodin and crashed the car into Walgreen’s. But not as bad as that other time I got toxic shock syndrome and almost died from sepsis. Ah, good times, good times! Welcome to womanhood, Ashley! Pass the Midol Martinis!”
Of course, it’s every family’s right to do something like this. And first periods have been celebrated by various cultures in different ways for centuries. The Native Americans supposedly held beautiful ceremonies for their young women. And we definitely believe that that menstruation is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of by anyone.
As mothers, we know how important it is to speak openly and honestly with our daughters about their bodies. Education and knowledge is key and we strongly feel that we should always celebrate girls becoming women.
Just without the red balloons, please.
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Does This Baby Weight Make Me Look Fat?
It’s Guest Post Thursday! I know, isn’t it weird how it just sneaks up on you every time? I swear, I’ve hardly hung up my Guest Post Thursday decorations before it’s time for Crying In The Closet Friday.But today we’re very excited to welcome one of the sweetest, coolest internets people out there—-Kristen Seymour! Kristen is young, pretty, super fit and funny and for those reasons, I should probably shun her in the lunchroom. But I won’t because I’m a BIG PERSON and she’s really, really nice. Be sure to follow her on Twitter (@kgseymour), check out her v. entertaining blogs Jeez-0-Petes and Fit Bottomed Girls and welcome her to TMH! Thanks, Kristen! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a baby six months ago and still have 30 pounds to lose. (I took “eating for two” to heart, what can I say?) I really can’t afford a gym, but I don’t like exercise tapes, either. Plus I’m usually completely exhausted and want to spend the few minutes I have to myself either sleeping or using my computer. In short, I’m not motivated to exercise, but I need to do something. Any ideas?
Signed,
New Mom, New Muffintop
_______________________________
Dear NMNM,
First off, congrats on the new baby! I’m with you on the eating for two — if I wanted a baby, like, even a little bit, I would totally have one just for the extra grub I could get away with eating. Shoot, why do you think I run and swim as much as I do? TO EAT. That’s it.
So, here’s the thing. In theory, weight loss is easy — burn more calories than you consume. Piece of cake, right? Mmmmm, cake … WAIT. Stop. Sorry, that’s not helpful. Where was I?
Right. Weight loss. I’m going to give you three super simple, foolproof tips to help you drop that weight in a safe, easy way. And, I’m even going to tell you how to do it without wanting to murder anyone who dares to eat a piece of pizza in front of you. Well, probably, anyway. It kind of depends on how stabby you are to begin with. I’m going to assume you’re within normal stabby ranges when properly fed and rested; if that’s not the case, well, I cannot be held responsible.
1. Weight loss has more to do with food intake than exercise (which would explain why there are no size 6 dresses in my closet despite the mileage on my sneakers). But, you’re busy, tired, and are dealing with major life changes as you adapt to parenthood. In short, you’re probably not in a place where you want to drastically change your diet.So, rather than an overhaul, focus only on the areas where you tend to have a problem. Are you a mindless snacker? A night eater? Do you eat large portions at meals? Whatever your downfall, there’s a solution — veggies. Snack on them, eat them at night when you want something crunchy, and fill a good portion of your plate with them at dinner; you’ll feel fuller, curb cravings, and not have to deal with breaking a habit.
2. Being active is still helpful, though, so find something active that you enjoy. You mentioned not digging workout videos, but not being able to afford a gym. What is it that you would do at the gym that you can’t do at home?I mean, it’s no skin off my nose if you don’t like workout DVDs, period-the-end, but you should also know that there are a TON of different options. Like, way more out there than Jazzercize and Jane Fonda. Walking, weights, yoga, dance, you name it, it’s out there. Might be worth checking around to see if one clicks. If you find a few fitness blogs you like (cough*Fit Bottomed Girls*cough), you just might see a review of a video that doesn’t sound like a total drag.
3. Last, but far from least, enlist the help of friends. Whenever I get in a slump — and it happens to absolutely everybody, honest — I turn to anyone who’ll hear me out and give me some motivation. I rely on local friends to meet me for a run or a long walk with the dogs; I’d never get to the pool for a morning workout if someone wasn’t meeting me. And, I go to Twitter when I need a little instant motivation — there’s always someone online who’ll tell you to go get sweaty, and believe me, they’ll be there to listen once you’re done and ready to brag, too!
In the meantime, let me leave you with one other pearl of wisdom. Don’t wait until you fit back in your skinny jeans to allow yourself to feel like a hot mama. Make sure there are a couple of items in your closet that make you feel good now, at your current weight. Maybe it’s flowy dress in a great pattern — hey, I bet one of the Mouthy Housewives even has a spare caftan in her closet — or a belted tunic that shows off curves. The point is, although you should totally celebrate reaching your weight loss goals when you meet them (and you will), you should also feel beautiful now, and at every stage in between.
Good luck!
Kristen, Guest TMH
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