Mouthy readers, this is your lucky Thursday, because today we have another Guest Mouthy Housewife in the clubhouse! Noa Gavin, of Oh, Noa, is a 2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year recipient, Nick Moms writer, and creator of the League of Funny Bitches, where she showcases funny writers from around the Internet. Unfortunately, there is a downside here. Aaaaand, it has to do with your Nana. (Maybe you should sit down.) The thing is…it’s just that…Noa? Her website has something to tell you:
See up above where it says that I’m funnier than your Grandma? That’s because I am. I’m sorry for your Nana and all, but, she had to learn sometime. Anyone can be funnier than your Mom, but only the truly exceptional can kick MeMaw’s ass. I’ll happily be that person.
But your grandma’s probably dead at this point, right? No hard feelings! Take it away, Noa!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I seriously cannot stop receiving emails and phone calls from a local sport teams sales representative. While he’s really nice, I fear this is a dead end relationship. He’s selling something I have no interest in buying.
How do I let him know – in as humorous a way as possible – that unless he’s offering me free tickets to a game, I no longer want to be on the receiving end (heheh – pun not intended) of this drawn out sales pitch?
Where the heck is the end zone?!
Dear End Zone,
Sounds like you want to take this guy from the starting line to the FriEND ZONE amirite? Nope? Really? That was a pretty good joke. Okay, nevermind—let’s start again.
There are three potential stages to this breakup, and you’ll need to be firm in each of them for this to work.
1. SAY NO: He’s a nice guy, you want to let him down easy, I get it. Still though, he’s being kind of a jerk about this whole thing. I mean, what has he ever done for you? Did he ever take you to someplace nice or tell you your hair looked nice when you got it cut? No. He doesn’t deserve you. Just say, “No thank you, from here and into the future. Please stop calling.”
2. THEN GO: He’s going to be stuck on you for a while, so be prepared for him to pull out all the stops to get you back into his twisted ticket scheme.
“But these hockey seats are to die for!”
“NO. STOP CALLING.”
“But the team needs to hear your voice today!”
“NO. STOP CALLING.”
“But they can’t imagine being in this world without you, and they don’t know how they can go on.”
“NO. SEE A THERAPIST.”
Unless he’s going to permanently give you free tickets and show he’s committed, then you’re done.
3. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: He’s not getting the message. It’s time for some End Zone realness, girl. Every time he calls, answer and then use what I call, “Audio Pepper Spray.” Immediately blare anything by Pitbull as loudly as possible. No one in the world can listen to Pitbull for longer than 3 minutes without massive cranial hemorrhage.
Noa Gavin, Guest TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Last week a friend of mine told me a story about a fight she had with her sister-in-law. She had asked her niece to watch her two kids(ages 14 and 17) for the weekend. Upon her return home, her niece told her that the 17 year old had been annoying all weekend. When she investigated it further, she found the following things had happened on Saturday:
1. Her niece told the 14 year old to ask the 17 year old if he wanted to go swimming, but the 14 year old neglected to do this as the 17 year old was just rolling out of bed. They left without him.
2. They called the 17 year old later in the day to see if he wanted to go to a graduation party with them. He said no since he didn’t know the person.
3. Around 8 pm, he called them and asked if they were all going to dinner. They said they had already eaten and he should just order a pizza. He tried to call a local pizza place. They did not pick up the phone. So he called them back and asked if they could bring him something and they agreed.
4. Around 10 pm, the niece, the 14 year old and the niece’s parents show up and give him McDonald’s. Most of the fries were eaten. Two bites were taken out of the sandwich. Half of the drink was gone. They said they had gotten hungry on the way to the house.
5. The next morning, the 17 year old asked his aunt and uncle if they could pick him up for church. They told him to drive himself.
When my friend found out this stuff, she was livid and then her sister-in-law told her that her son will have a hard time in college because he can’t do anything for himself. The argument got intense to say the least. My question is, when someone in your family criticizes your child (sometimes in front of him), what is the best way to handle it?
A Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Gosh, I miss the good old days, and by the good old days I mean the mid-80’s when my parents would just leave us for a week when we were 16 and 17 years old. I mean, sure there may have been a few parties and all (and oh, don’t tell my dad that the ‘vodka’ he drank from his liquor cabinet from 1984-1988 was actually 90% water), but during that week we both made it to school every day as well as to any commitments and work. But the most amazing thing we did was not starve because we could drive to the grocery store or even to the golden arches if the fries were calling our name.
I do have to say that if the 17 year old has a form of transportation, as his aunt and uncle declare, then why didn’t he just go get dinner? Or, here’s an idea, make a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal and eat an apple, because I don’t believe anyone else was required to feed a 17 year old. Now I understand that the niece was in charge of watching her cousins – but I’m not sure watching consists of preparing three squares for a functioning 17 year old who chose not to go with them that night. I mean, I don’t even cook a meal for my 9 year old now if I can get away with it. Turns out even she knows how to make a bowl of cereal when I let her.
Now as far as calling someone annoying…well that is super annoying and I certainly would not want anyone criticizing any child in front of him. But then again I don’t consider a 17 year old a child. Unless, of course, he can’t fix his own dinner. Hopefully by now your friend has cooled off and made nice with her family. Life’s too short to quibble over fries.
Tracy, Guest TMH
It’s Guest Post…Thursday? Honestly, now that most of my shows are in repeats, I have no idea how to keep my days of the week straight. The underwear thing never works. But no matter because today I’m thrilled to welcome the hilarious women behind one of my favorite blogs, Quirk Out! Cary Goldwasser and Diane Kline are marketing executives in St. Louis and one day during lunch they were comparing their quirky behaviors — like leaving five pair of shoes at their desk or packing two suitcases for an overnight trip — and they created QuirkOut! Crazy Things Women do to Stay Sane. Follow them at Facebook.com/quirkout and at www.quirkout.com. Thanks, ladies! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,Recently, the post office left a package on my doorstop that had my address on it, but my neighbor’s name. When I took it over to her, she said, “I hope it’s not a problem, but I don’t want my husband to know I’m taking these pills, so I had them delivered to your house instead.” When I asked he what they were for, she nervously mumbled something about “weight loss,” then shut the door.
She’s always been a little spacey and now I’m wondering if it’s because she’s a pill popper? Anyway, I don’t feel good about this. Should I tell her to stop? Tell her husband? Move? Help!
Not a Drug Connection
Dear Not a Drug Connection,
Hiding purchases from a husband is a time-honored tradition that began when Cleopatra sneaked her Sephora eyeliner past Anthony at the palace. There are lots of QuirkOut strategies to help us.
We know of one wife who hid six shoes boxes in the trash can in the garage, planning to sneak them into the house when her husband was at work the next day. Who could have predicted this was the one time he took the garbage out to the curb without being asked? It was a crushing blow when she heard the garbage truck crushing her stilettos. Bye Bye, Blahniks.
Or another mom who hid her jewelry purchases in her son’s book bag, essentially turning him into a “mule,” but potentially giving him a career option. All this to avoid conversations about budgets and shopping, which always seems to escalate into whose mother is more annoying.
But to aid and abet in sneaking possible contraband past your neighbor’s husband… that ups the ante. Accepting packages for neighbors used to be such a — well, neighborly thing to do. You sign for my new coffee maker from Williams Sonoma and I sign for your Not Your Daughter’s Jeans from Nordstrom. Then I’d make you a cup of espresso (one or two shots?) while I told you how skinny you looked in your jeans. See? Neighborly.
But taking on mysterious contents is a whole other kettle of fish (which would be way too smelly a package to accept). Who knows if these are really “diet pills” or decongestants used for making meth, or just embarrassing ultra-strong deodorant pads? Either way, we just don’t like being pawns in this game.
So we’d keep it light and say, “I really wish I could help you out, but my husband has banned me from making on-line purchases for a while and I don’t want him to think I’m doing anything behind his back.”
See how that works? You get to blame your husband. She gets to sympathize with you about him preventing you from shopping. And you both get out of a sticky situation.
Cary and Diane, Quirk Out
I can’t believe it’s Thursday already, Mouthy Minions! It seems like just yesterday that I had locked myself in the closet with a stack of US Weeklys & Skittles, declaring to my husband and bewildered preschoolers that I was gonna ride this week out in the bunker. But Friday is nearly upon us, and so we’ve brought in one hilarious mother flubber, Jeni of Highly Irritable to coax us all into the weekend. Check out Jeni’s very funny blog to learn more about how she celebrated her Mother’s Day with a dead bird, and check her out on Twitter where she has us cracking up daily. (Such a showoff, this one is.) –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have worked for a company for 16 years. My husband had worked for the same company for the last 7 years. This company decided to move his job offshore, thereby making him unemployed. I still have to work with these people every day, including the person that made the final decision. I’m finding it very difficult not to get mouthy with these people and finding it difficult to care if things get done. Obviously, I can’t afford to also lose my job, so how can I get past this?
Mad for Hubby
Dear Mad for Hubby but Happy for Pay Check,
First, let me congratulate you for still being married after working with your spouse for seven years. I worked with my (now-ex) spouse once for about seven minutes before I ran screaming and threw myself at the closest divorce lawyer.
Losing your job sucks no matter the circumstances, and we here at “The Mouthy Housewives” can sympathize with your situation. Dinnertime conversation must be interesting and kind of exhausting what with thinking up new adjectives for all of your supervisors. But before you start publically addressing your bosses by their unflattering new nicknames, let’s examine for a moment the positives in this situation.
You say your husband’s job was moved offshore, and it appears that he didn’t go with it. Who really wants to go offshore anyway? NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS OFFSHORE. Think about it; there’s the offshore oil spill, the offshore banking scandal… No. Onshore is definitely the place to be. And hey! It’s where the sea shells are!
As for your difficulty maintaining a degree of professionalism in the office, please tread carefully. The Mouthy Housewives are all for getting mouthy when the occasion is appropriate, but this may not the time. Until your husband becomes re-employed (on the shore, please) you are the sole income earner in your household. A few choice words and a careless “reply all” on an email could put that in jeopardy. And in 16 years with this company, you’ve probably forged some decent relationships (and potential references) with these people. Eliminating someone’s position is never a fun job, and we’re sure it wasn’t the most enjoyable thing your supervisor did that week.
It does indeed suck that your husband was let go because his job was moved. But remember, things are great here at home in America right now! There’s the strong econom…err, the complete equality of wome…well, there’s…alright. Things aren’t great, and we hope your husband finds suitable employment soon. Until then, we suggest a smile in the office, and perhaps a lottery ticket or two on grocery day.
Jeni, Guest TMH
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest
designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH