My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
Ethically Challenged
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My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH
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Help! My Entire Toddler Class Has Become Twilight Fans!
Guess What? It’s Guest Post Thursday! Err…except that it’s Wednesday but I don’t like to buck trends so instead I’m just going to have to petition the US Supreme Court to change the days of the week to Thursday (1) and Thursday (2). This would also help Friday not seem so far away. Anyhoo, on to our amazing Guesty, who totally bucks trends while drinking margaritas and hanging out with Serbian folk: Lori Dyan. You must check out her hilarious blog! Also follow her on Twitter! And if you’re really nice to her she might just read your (read: MY) Tarot cards! – Tonya
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
You are all mothers so I hope this doesn’t offend you.
I am a daycare teacher (18-24 months). I have 8 kids in my room and am between assistants so I’m working with subs (trust me that’s a question for another day…).
The question for today: My kids are biting. ALL. THE. F%*%ING. TIME. It’s normal, they’re teething, it’s what they do at this age. Most parents understand this. However there is one mother who thinks her child is being targeted (she’s not, her child is just a monster). When she sees reports she doesn’t read the part about how her child was being aggressive/provocative and the other child was simply retaliating/defending themselves, she just sees the bite.
No matter how I present this she sees her darling as being innocent, when really she is the bully. What can I do to stop this? Everything really, the biting and the annoying parents, but even just one answer would make me give you child care for life.
Signed,
Bite Me
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Dear Bite Me,
Seeing kids gnaw on each other like it’s rib night at the seniors’ home is never a pretty site. Both old people and toddlers have a fierce desire for independence, yet a lack of impulse control can make them prime candidates for getting physical.
When it comes to your lil’ nibblers, follow the D.R.I.N.K. principle:
Discipline is key and it must be consistent. Instead of trying to reason with the biter, give a simple “Biting is for food” or “No biting,” then remove him/her from the scene.
Reward good behavior with specific praise. i.e. “Xavier, you are doing a wonderful job sharing with Sequoia and Tinsel.”
Increase attention to the bitee. Some of these biting narcissistic turds sweet peas will take any attention they can get and concentrating on the child who was bitten will reinforce that biting gets you nowhere.
Never let them see you sweat. As tempting as it may be to bite back, channel your inner Fonzie and be cool at all times. Then go home and punch the wall.
Keep them occupied. Biting can be the result of boredom, socializing, revenge… who knows why toddlers do half the crap they do? Keep them busy by providing other things to chew on or extra time at the park—hopefully that will prevent them from test driving their new chompers on someone’s leg.
As for the nutbar mommy, I suggest a face-to-face discussion to accompany the written report, if you haven’t already. Be very clear regarding her demon spawn’s child’s role in the event and ask her at the end of the meeting if she understands the role that all parties played. If that doesn’t work, give her one of those Twilight books with Edward’s parts highlighted.
Good luck,
Lori, Guest TMH
p.s. If I had to deal with eight toddlers at a time I would be doing more than swearing (meth comes to mind), so kudos to you for making childcare your profession of choice.
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Where Is The Love?
Welcome back to Guest Post Thursday! Today we have the lovely Lexa from Lemmonex. She’s often better dressed than I am, has more insight and composure in her pinky than I do in my whole body, and pulls off leopard print LIKE A CHAMP. Naturally, she is my nemesis. Good thing I like to keep my enemies close, though because SHE HAS GREAT SHOES! — Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just moved in with my boyfriend of almost a year. We are arguing more than normal and things always seem tense. There is a definite lack of affection. I want things to work with us because I can see a future, but I have no idea how to get through this transition. Any suggestions on how to fix this problem?
Signed,
Bickering Betsy
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Dear Bickering Betsy,
I am the perfect person to answer this question seeing as I once lived with a boyfriend. Sure, we broke up, but that doesn’t mean I do not have some well-earned wisdom to impart on you. Please, learn from my failure.
So, living together is great. No more worrying about when you are going to see your boyfriend again or trying to figure out where to sleep or feeling disgust over his filthy bathroom. There is a real comfort in knowing that you get to come home to your partner every night.
But it can also make you really lazy.
I find that when folks move in together they start taking each other for granted. I could be totally off base here, but it is a pattern I have seen play out a million times with friends. Be honest with yourself; are you slipping into some bad patterns? Like the dishes. If you’re not washing them, who is? The fairies don’t come do them while you are at work. So, did you thank your boyfriend for dealing with them? Or for dealing with the management company or the overflowing pile of laundry? Are you grateful for him for tackling the domestic chores and general life annoyances he is handling? It is easy to fall in to these patterns without even realizing it. And nothing makes me snippier and less inclined to affection than feeling like I am not appreciated..
Which brings me to my other point. Are you tending to the relationship now that you are living with him? It is super easy to fall into a pattern of coming home and vegging out in front of the couch once you live with your partner. DO NOT DO THIS. At least not every day. Take off your dang yoga pants. Plan a date. Have an actual conversation. Keep nurturing your relationship.
I think the real thing to be aware of is this is a change and all relationships need to be cared for during change. Put down the Doritos, get off the internet, and tell your boyfriend why you love him. Hell, SHOW him you love him. Just make sure it’s out at a restaurant and not in front of a TV dinner.
Good luck!
Lexa, Guest TMH
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Don’t forget to enter our Guess The Mouthy giveaway! Correctly guess the author of yesterday’s advice for a chance to win a copy of both Heather Armstrong‘s & Jill Smokler‘s new books. (Contains Amazon Affiliate links.)
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Does This Baby Weight Make Me Look Fat?
It’s Guest Post Thursday! I know, isn’t it weird how it just sneaks up on you every time? I swear, I’ve hardly hung up my Guest Post Thursday decorations before it’s time for Crying In The Closet Friday.But today we’re very excited to welcome one of the sweetest, coolest internets people out there—-Kristen Seymour! Kristen is young, pretty, super fit and funny and for those reasons, I should probably shun her in the lunchroom. But I won’t because I’m a BIG PERSON and she’s really, really nice. Be sure to follow her on Twitter (@kgseymour), check out her v. entertaining blogs Jeez-0-Petes and Fit Bottomed Girls and welcome her to TMH! Thanks, Kristen! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a baby six months ago and still have 30 pounds to lose. (I took “eating for two” to heart, what can I say?) I really can’t afford a gym, but I don’t like exercise tapes, either. Plus I’m usually completely exhausted and want to spend the few minutes I have to myself either sleeping or using my computer. In short, I’m not motivated to exercise, but I need to do something. Any ideas?
Signed,
New Mom, New Muffintop
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Dear NMNM,
First off, congrats on the new baby! I’m with you on the eating for two — if I wanted a baby, like, even a little bit, I would totally have one just for the extra grub I could get away with eating. Shoot, why do you think I run and swim as much as I do? TO EAT. That’s it.
So, here’s the thing. In theory, weight loss is easy — burn more calories than you consume. Piece of cake, right? Mmmmm, cake … WAIT. Stop. Sorry, that’s not helpful. Where was I?
Right. Weight loss. I’m going to give you three super simple, foolproof tips to help you drop that weight in a safe, easy way. And, I’m even going to tell you how to do it without wanting to murder anyone who dares to eat a piece of pizza in front of you. Well, probably, anyway. It kind of depends on how stabby you are to begin with. I’m going to assume you’re within normal stabby ranges when properly fed and rested; if that’s not the case, well, I cannot be held responsible.
1. Weight loss has more to do with food intake than exercise (which would explain why there are no size 6 dresses in my closet despite the mileage on my sneakers). But, you’re busy, tired, and are dealing with major life changes as you adapt to parenthood. In short, you’re probably not in a place where you want to drastically change your diet.So, rather than an overhaul, focus only on the areas where you tend to have a problem. Are you a mindless snacker? A night eater? Do you eat large portions at meals? Whatever your downfall, there’s a solution — veggies. Snack on them, eat them at night when you want something crunchy, and fill a good portion of your plate with them at dinner; you’ll feel fuller, curb cravings, and not have to deal with breaking a habit.
2. Being active is still helpful, though, so find something active that you enjoy. You mentioned not digging workout videos, but not being able to afford a gym. What is it that you would do at the gym that you can’t do at home?I mean, it’s no skin off my nose if you don’t like workout DVDs, period-the-end, but you should also know that there are a TON of different options. Like, way more out there than Jazzercize and Jane Fonda. Walking, weights, yoga, dance, you name it, it’s out there. Might be worth checking around to see if one clicks. If you find a few fitness blogs you like (cough*Fit Bottomed Girls*cough), you just might see a review of a video that doesn’t sound like a total drag.
3. Last, but far from least, enlist the help of friends. Whenever I get in a slump — and it happens to absolutely everybody, honest — I turn to anyone who’ll hear me out and give me some motivation. I rely on local friends to meet me for a run or a long walk with the dogs; I’d never get to the pool for a morning workout if someone wasn’t meeting me. And, I go to Twitter when I need a little instant motivation — there’s always someone online who’ll tell you to go get sweaty, and believe me, they’ll be there to listen once you’re done and ready to brag, too!
In the meantime, let me leave you with one other pearl of wisdom. Don’t wait until you fit back in your skinny jeans to allow yourself to feel like a hot mama. Make sure there are a couple of items in your closet that make you feel good now, at your current weight. Maybe it’s flowy dress in a great pattern — hey, I bet one of the Mouthy Housewives even has a spare caftan in her closet — or a belted tunic that shows off curves. The point is, although you should totally celebrate reaching your weight loss goals when you meet them (and you will), you should also feel beautiful now, and at every stage in between.
Good luck!
Kristen, Guest TMH
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When Grandma is Full of It
I know Kate from Twitter. She’s funny, quick and mouthy, so I immediately thought of her as guest advice dispenser. What I didn’t know (because who can read those Twitter bios) is that Kate is a wonderful artist, making collaged art of fabric sewn together with colored thread. And she’s very funny on Twitter. What’s not to love? -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother-in-law told my 6-year-old son that the reason he’s left-handed is because he had “an identical but right-handed twin who died” in the womb. My son has now become quite withdrawn and has got it into his head that the imaginary friend he had as a toddler was in fact his dead twin. My mother-in-law is normally pretty cool, but she can’t seem to understand that her words have caused upset, as she says the twin idea is a legitimate scientific theory to explain left-handedness.
How do I sort this out?
P.S. My husband is away in the military and isn’t here to help.
Signed,
Shocked Mom
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Dear Mom,
If you were actually carrying twins and lost a child during pregnancy, I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss (and you can stop reading now, I have no advice on how to handle that). But if your mother-in-law told this horribly disturbing story to a six-year-old as a way to explain left-handedness, then…wow. NOT cool, Grandma.
For argument’s sake, let’s say being left-handed requires an explanation. Grandma has her theory, which we both know is not legitimate or scientific by any stretch. If you didn’t contradict her, your son might have assumed you agreed and Grandma was right.
I can understand you don’t want to start an argument. But you can see that your son is struggling to make sense of what she said, and he needs guidance from you.
Maybe he’s creating a story to fit Grandma’s theory because he has nothing else to go on. Or worse, he’s under the impression that every theory is valid, so there is no way to rule anything out to find the truth. Remember: All PEOPLE deserve respect, not all IDEAS.
You don’t have to confront Grandma face to face; let her believe whatever she wants. Just make sure you explain the facts to your son. This is an opportunity for you to teach him a very important survival skill called “Critical Thinking”, also known as “Not believing things that are obviously bullshit.”
Now, you may worry that applying logic to stuff adults say may lead a child to question authority, which may lead to the loss of respect for all adults including Mommy and Daddy. But picture the other extreme – a child who believes anything adults say, who trusts them so completely and without question he climbs into the car of the first stranger who loses an imaginary puppy.
Notice I never said Grandma is crazy or stupid or a liar. Maybe she is cool. I’m just saying her idea is wrong and it is okay not to believe it. You don’t have to pretend she’s right out of respect for your elders.
In short: We love Grandma. Grandma’s theory is 100% wrong.
Please, take this burden off your son’s shoulders. His only defense against the bullshit of the world is the ability to spot it, and permission to disregard it.
Good luck to you and my thanks to your husband for his service,
Kate, Guest TMH
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