My Husband Wants to Sleep with My BFF: Is That Wrong?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband wants to have sex with my best friend. We recently all went out for his birthday and I later found them on my bedroom floor clothed, but my husband was kissing her breast. She said she was drunk and didn’t do anything—including saying “no.”
We have been married 18 years and together since I was 15. He has cheated on me before and I know he has wanted her for a long time; she is very pretty and sweet. What do I do? I think he will eventually cheat with her.
Signed,
Married to a Cheaterpants
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Dear Married to a Cheaterpants,
Hmmmm, this one is a real head-scratcher of a question. And, quite honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to point you in the right direction here. Let me think, let me think, let me think….oh, I know! How about if we go back to your first sentence:
“My husband wants to have sex with my best friend.”
Should I call the moving van for you or would you prefer just a simple jetpack to blast your ass out of this disgusting situation?
Because not to sound insensitive, but there’s not much of a gray area here, lady. He’s cheated on you before, he’s made it obvious he’s trying to sleep with your best friend and your best friend seems willing to go along with it. This is what we students of Lifetime Television refer to as “The Donna Mills Hot Mess Trifecta.” So unless you want to stick around to help raise your BFF and husband’s eventual love child, you need to get out while the gettin’s GOOD. (You can’t see me, but I’m doing that cool Jackée thing with my neck right now.)
I know leaving is way easier said than done, especially since you’ve been with him since you were 15 and probably have some co-dependency issues, but things are not going to get better. They’re just not. To quote Maya Angelou, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” And this guy has shown you time and time again that he’s nothing more than a complete asshole.
Call your friends, your family, your church—anyone who has the time, resources and love to help you, and start making plans to ditch this loser as well as your “best friend,” who may be “pretty and sweet,” but like this guy, isn’t any kind of friend I’d ever want. Jeez.
I know it’s tough, but listen: life’s too short to allow yourself to be treated like shit. The person you need to love the most right now is yourself because obviously nobody else is looking out for you. (Except us, because we’re just awesome like that.)
Please, keep us posted. We wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Help! My Friend’s Kids Are Sick With The Ick And I think It’s A Trick!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a very close friend whom I’ve known since childhood. We lost touch, and then reconnected after we’d both married and had kids. She’s sweet, warm and kind but lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that she might be suffering from Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy.
Her two young, high maintenance children are always sick. She works part-time at a hospital to make ends meet, so I just assumed she was bringing viruses home from work. But it seems like every day they have caught some new, terrible plague or are going to the ER. And she tells everyone about it on Facebook. Even her closest friends are starting to reply to her posts with, “Again?? Really??”
She has a lot of the classic red flags- She used to have a severe eating disorder, she has anxiety and self esteem issues, and she’s very clingy with her kids-she doesn’t like them to be out of her reach very often. Her marriage is often rocky. Yet for some reason, she even keeps talking about wanting more kids.
I hate to think my good friend could be doing something awful, but the more I read about the disorder and compare the information to her, the more uncomfortable I feel about it. I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Cautiously Concerned
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Dear Cautiously Concerned,
Before we begin to discuss your friend, let’s talk about the Internet for a minute. First, I understand your anxious researching of symptoms. I, myself, am an expert in this. In fact, at this moment I am probably dying from African trypanosomiasis. The problem is that while I have most of the symptoms of this disease, in reality, an illness tends to be more complicated than a simple checklist.
The other thing to keep in mind about the glorious interweb and its social networking, is that some people confuse Mark Zuckerberg’s creation with actual therapy sessions. It’s also hard to really know a person from their Facebook posts. For instance, most of my FB friends assume I’m only interested in images of cats in costumes but this is not the entire picture. I also like photos of dogs in funny hats. So it’s important not to put too much diagnostic weight on anyone’s Facebook status.
Now, on to your friend. Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSbP) is a serious and extremely complicated condition. One of the main problems in its diagnosis has to do with the similarities to an actual, organic issue with a child. It is possible that the stress in the household has caused the two children to have anxiety or depression that can manifest itself in physical ways. It’s also possible that there is something in the home that could be causing all types of illnesses, such as a mold infestation. Or the kids are just being the petri dishes of bacteria that most children really are. I’m not saying that MSbP couldn’t be happening but I’m also not saying that it is. It’s important in a situation such as this to rule out other possible causes.
Also, anxiety, depression and being a helicopter mom do not necessarily translate into MSbP. The eating disorder early on in her life was probably a symptom of her anxiety and depression and is not necessarily indicative of someone who will grow up to abuse her children. Certainly, these days, with Kate Middleton, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel Zoe as role models it’s difficult to find a woman who doesn’t have an eating disorder or is not contemplating one. (Does the Grapefruit Diet work?)
You seem like a really good friend. And there may be reason to worry, but before jumping to conclusions (don’t worry, we all do it) I’d suggest a serious sit down with her. Try and get her to open up about her marriage, the stresses in her life, and how she may or may not be dealing with them very well. If you are still extremely concerned, keep track of how often her children are sick or in the hospital and how she reacts to these situations then seek the advice of a medical professional. Even then, I would proceed with extreme caution.
Good Luck to you and your friend,
Tonya, TMH
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The Case of The Beer Drinking Breastfeeder
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my best friends just had a baby. We went to dinner with him, the baby’s mama and the new baby. All was fine, until the baby got hungry and the mama fed the baby. Let me clarify, the mama was drinking and then breastfed the baby. The mama consumed three pints of beer over the course of about three hours and fed the baby three times while I was there. Now, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a doctor, so I didn’t say anything. But, later I brought this up to some friends and they said I should have said/done something.
To make matters worse, the mama posts a lot on Facebook, including things like outrageously long sleeping times for the baby and how she wishes she could drink more to deal with life, but says that breastfeeding limits her alcohol intake. I feel at a loss. I feel like she’s doing things she shouldn’t do and may be hurting her baby in the process. My best friend didn’t say a word the entire night, and actually tends to encourage her drinking.
This situation is really difficult to watch, especially since my husband and I have been trying for years to get pregnant and are having issues. We aren’t even sure if having a child is going to happen for us.
Do I say something? Do I call Child Services? Do I let it go for fear of being that irrational woman who jeopardizes a 20+ year friendship? Help!
Signed,
Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?
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Dear Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?,
First, I am mother, but I am not a medical professional, although, frankly, I really should be. Especially, given the amount of self-help books I’ve read and the number of hypochondriac websites I visit on a weekly basis. But I do believe that you have a right to be alarmed. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is a tough situation. Having three drinks in three hours and breastfeeding a baby three times adds up to definite inappropriate behavior. Normally, I try to reserve my judgement of other mothers to the celeb moms I see in Us Weekly, but this case sounds like a very unhealthy state of affairs. Not only was that a possibly damaging amount of alcohol for a child to consume, it’s also dangerous when you consider the responsiveness needed to care for a newborn baby.
It could be that the baby’s mama is overwhelmed and/or depressed, and instead of knowing how to deal with it or whom to turn to, she’s using alcohol to soothe these feelings. Unfortunately, she now has another life depending on her so drinking beer non-stop is not the correct way to fix the situation. It also seems that your friend might be in denial. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not making excuses for them. I’m simply stating what could be going on.
That being said, you need to have a very serious conversation with your friend. I realize that you may be putting a 20+ year relationship in jeopardy, however, there is a newborn involved who can’t speak up for him/herself. It’s possible that your friend may be upset or angry with you for bringing up the mama’s alcohol consumption, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t even see it. And, it’s also very likely that the mother may need help.
I would try and discuss the situation in terms of your concern for how the mother and baby are doing. Try and leave out the Facebook updates, if possible, since it’s hard to know what she’s really doing and also if the baby’s sleep cycle is related in any way to her possible alcohol consumption.
Keep the discussion concrete. Talk about what you witnessed. You could also try and get your friend to open up about how he feels, how their relationship is faring, and what may be really going on. Make sure your friend understands that this is coming from a place of love and you simply want to help.
Some people may not agree with me, but I would suggest you hold off contacting Child Services unless you witness any other occasions where this woman is drinking heavily and putting her child in real danger. I know this is a difficult situation for you on many levels, but it seems that you are willing to do what is right for your friend and his child.
This is such a complicated subject that I would also like to encourage our readers to weigh in. It’s possible that one of them has had a similar situation and maybe they can tell you what did or didn’t work.
Good Luck,
Tonya TMH
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Lonely Mom Seeks Friends
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I quit my job to be a SAHM last year when my daughter was born. She’s 16-months-old now and I’m still having a hard time meeting other moms and making friends. I’m a introvert and it’s hard for me to make the first move. I’m very shy until I get to know someone.
We moved to our neighborhood 3 years ago and I met two other moms who seemed really nice at first and then they started snubbing me once we put up a fence. I befriended them on Facebook and invited them over but they never invite me. I gave them my number and they never gave me theirs. I still see them getting together outside with their kids and it pains me because I’m so lonely. What the hell did I do to these people to make them hate me?
My husband works full time and takes night classes. He has to study on the weekends so I’m starting to go nutty. I joined a playgroup but all the moms that actually go to the functions are already friends with each other and they seem snooty if you’re not in their circle. I’m thinking about going back to work just to have a social life but I recently found out I’m pregnant again. No one will hire a pregnant woman. Any advice on what I should do?
Signed,
Shy Shannon
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Dear Shy Shannon,
Being a mom of young children can be one of the loneliest feelings in the word. Because young kids are super adorable but when you turn to a 16-month-old and say, “Damn, I have a headache from that extra glass of Chardonnay last night. I’m worried that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore might be splitting up. And also, I’ve been meaning to ask – are you supposed to still be sucking on that pacifier?” – the toddler rarely answers.
Mothers need wing women. Someone to assure you that it is perfectly normal to bring your kid to the playground and forget his shoes. And your own shoes.
I don’t know what’s going on with those gals next door. It sounds like you have reached out as much as you can and for whatever reason they are not reciprocating. You’ve spent too much energy on those ladies. It’s time to take action elsewhere.
First of all, I would sign your kid up for a couple music or gym classes. Your 16-month-old will love it and it’s a great way to connect with other moms. Next, start your own playgroup. You think you’re the only desperate, lonely mom out there? You aren’t. You just have to find them. Put notices up on community bulletin boards and Craigslist. Just write, “Local mom starting a playgroup for kids 1 to 2 years old. Email me at Shannon@I’mAwesomeAndCool.com if you’re interested.” I’m just guessing that’s your email address.
Once you have a group of moms, just plan a playgroup every week at someone’s house. I promise this works because that is actually how I made all my mom friends when I first had a baby. I’m still friends with these women seven years later.
I would also make sure you connect with other moms online so you don’t feel so alone while you develop IRL friendships. And finally, I would make sure to watch “Gossip Girl” every week because I consider Serena and Blair to be some of my closest friends.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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My Christmas Photo is Stressing Me Out!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have been separated for a year and a half now. We do not have a formal agreement in place but are living apart. Last year I was ‘excused’ from sending out Christmas cards due to a death in the family. This year I am at a loss at to what I should do. Not everyone knows about the separation (and I am making myself sick thinking about the gossip that will arise once everyone knows) but if I send out a card with myself and my kids, the cat will be out of the bag. Help!
Signed,
Secretly Separated
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Dear Secretly Separated,
I’m sorry for your separation. But I’m guessing that your “secret separation” is not so secret at all. These things tend to get out and kids are not so fabulous at keeping their mouths shut. Like the way my 4-year-old shouted yesterday in a crowded public restroom… “Mom, what’s taking you so long? Are you pooping? It smells like you are pooping.” No I’m not! Here’s my iPhone. Please stop screaming!
I’m sure by now your separation is old news and the ladies in the neighborhood are already gossiping about that middle aged mom who has been seen THREE times with that young handsome Starbucks barista. (She must really like coffee.) Plus, so what if they are talking about you? Maybe one of those chatty Cathys knows of an eligible bachelor a couple towns over that might be your future soul mate.
But if you are really trying to keep this under wraps with distant relatives and whoever else is on your Christmas list, just send a photo of your kids. A lot of people do this because children are so much cuter than those of us who are age challenged and beginning to wrinkle and sag. No one will think anything of it!
But you should not be ashamed of your separation. It sounds like you are doing what’s best for your family and yourself.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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