20 Jun
The Mouthy Housewives Explore The Latest Trend: Boudoir Photography!

You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.

That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.

Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?

Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.

Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!

Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?

Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!

In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!

TMH naked

What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:

1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)

We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)

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20 May
Hey, Mom of Daughter’s Best Friend: What’s With the Bikini?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 10 year daughter is best friends with a girl whose mother’s parenting style is very different from mine.  She allows her daughter to watch PG-13 movies and to wear clothing that I consider inappropriate. Last summer my daughter asked for a bikini like the one her friend wears instead of a one-piece that I bought for her.  I explained that different families have different rules, but I wonder if I should speak to the mom.  We are on friendly terms, and I wonder if sharing my concerns with her would make her rethink some of her choices.

Signed,

NoBikini Mom

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Dear NoBikini Mom,

Before I get to the larger issue, I want cross the easy part of this off my list.

One piece bathing suits (scientific name maillot) can be uncomfortable. What they offer in modesty they make up in sheer wetness all over the stomach area once you’re out of the pool. That does not mean that your daughter needs to wear a thong bikini, but you should know that there are a lot of age-appropriate options out there. 

Now onto the bigger issue. You know that your parenting style is different from the other mom’s. Your daughters are best friends despite (or maybe because?) of these differences. You took the important step of telling your daughter honestly that each family’s rules are different and now you are wondering if you should share your views with the other mom.  And here’s my answer.  Yes. And also, no.

Yes, because you are friendly and people who are on friendly terms and whose children are best friends should discuss issues that concern their children. Sharing ideas is important and can be eye-opening for each of you.

No, because you seem to want to win her over to your way of thinking. If your goal in having this discussion with her is to have her fall to her knees and start repenting for parenting her kid in way that is inconsistent with your philosophy, I suggest you refrain. (Or if you choose to proceed, give Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise a heads up. They need 24 hours to get the camera crews ready.)  Because the judgey talk of “my way is better than your way” has never improved a relationship.

Chances are the other mom already knows how you feel about the various issues, and perhaps she is taking the Agree to Disagree route on this one.

And when it comes to parenting our kids, there is nothing wrong with that.

Best of luck,

Marinka, TMH

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02 May
It’s My Party and No One Is Coming!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently bought my first house and my sister is throwing me a housewarming party to celebrate. I announced the date two months ago.  I invited about ten good friends plus their significant others. And a few co-workers. Most of them RSVP’ed but now almost everyone has canceled.

Out of 20+ people who had planned on coming, there is only going to be 4 people for sure. Even my best friend cancelled because her husband “was feeling eh about the 2 hr drive.” (Umm.. You can’t drive yourself?) It seems as though most people have made an excuse not to come even though my sister planned it two months in advance. I did move 2 hours away from some of my friends but I still make an effort to drive to see them. I should also mention that I bought my house in January and only a few friends have been over to see it.

My sister is expecting a food count of 20+ people and I had to inform her today (4 days before the party) that probably only 4 people are going to show up. I feel humiliated and pissed off! I thought I had better friends than this.

Signed,

Lois and Her Lame Friends

_____________________________________

Dear Lois,

Let’s see. If you have 20 friends who RSVP’d to a party planned 2 months in advance and only 4 are planning to show up but they have to drive 2 hours each way to get there, and you multiply by the square root of π, then how many friends will actually show up?

I think the answer might be 2. Or maybe the answer is – you need some perspective on this.

It doesn’t really matter how far in advance you plan a party, people will cancel. It’s the human nature of, “Oh my gosh, I’m so tired from work and my kids and getting to the gym and walking the dog and cleaning the bathroom and I just want to stay home and watch TV.” I have friends who don’t want to drive an extra 6 minutes to a dinner in the next town over. So it comes as no surprise that your friends don’t want to drive FOUR hours round trip for a housewarming party. That is a lot of driving.  And I’m guessing it has very little to do with their desire to see you.

You have to remember that you moved away and yes, I’m sure a couple close friends will come out to see you and your new house. I know you are disappointed but you really have to try to not take it personally that people aren’t going to be banging down your door to check out your new abode.

I would cancel the party and plan a brunch at the half way point between you and your friends. Your treat. You can show them lots of photos of your new place.  The important thing here is to stay connected to people who mean a lot to you.

Good Luck,

Kelcey

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25 Apr
I Confided in My Friend, Not Her Husband

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I had confided in my friend a few months ago and it’s pretty obvious that she shared what I told her with her husband. I feel hurt and betrayed and embarrassed and like my friendship with her is over.

Is it worth trying to repair it or do you think once the trust is gone, it’s gone forever?

Signed,

Don’t Blab

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Dear Don’t Blab,

Oh, friends and their husbands, don’t get me started.

I once had a friend who told me that she had a  “no secrets” policy with her spouse, which apparently meant that she told him every bit of information she had gathered throughout the day. I was confused by such a thing, but also took it as a fair warning that if I were talking to her, he would eventually get the information. I hope you can appreciate  how difficult it was for me to plan his surprise party.

But I appreciated her letting me know. Because if my confidence was going to be shared with Mr. Friend, I had the right to decide what I talked to her about. And it definitely tempered our discussions to topics like weather, kids today, and those bozos in D.C.

Your situation is obviously different because you had no idea that you would be betrayed. Which is pretty much the worst kind of surprise there is. But before we cross-stitch a scarlet B for Blabbermouth on your friend’s spring tunic, you need to make sure that she did, in fact, tell her husband. Is it possible that she did not? Is it possible that he knows this information from another source (it’s not too late to suspect other friends!) Or maybe he doesn’t know the confidence at all, but was alluding to something else entirely?

Either way, talk to your friend.  Explain what your expectations are and how hurt you would be if she were to share the things you told her with anyone else.

If she did betray your trust, you’ll have to decide if your friendship can survive it; and if it can, whether it will change how much you share with her.

But give her a chance.  Making new friends is so time consuming.  Maybe she did nothing wrong. Maybe she will change her ways. Maybe she’ll have some great gossip about someone else to distract you with.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

 

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08 Apr
It’s My Birthday, Give Me Better Gifts!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently had a birthday and a few of my friends and I went out to celebrate.  They treated me to dinner and we had a nice time, but I was a little insulted because the gifts they gave me were all “jokey” gag gifts (like penis-shaped pasta.) I like to laugh as much as anyone, but I also would have a preferred a gift certificate for a manicure. Should I say something?

Signed,

I Could Really Use a Manicure

______________________________________________

Dear Manicureless,

Well, you know the old saying, you shouldn’t look a gift penis pasta in the mouth. It’s there for a reason. (I think it’s because only dentists are allowed to look in mouths since no one has the stomach for it.)  But another reason maybe is that people do not want to appear ungrateful, even if they feel ungrateful because they got a lousy gift instead of that something shiny they had their eye on.  (Is it me, or does it seem like I’m trying to cover a lot of body parts in this post?)

In my experience, there are two types of gifts. The ones you want to get and the ones people want to give. Occasionally, there is a cosmic confluence and the two types become one. Whether it’s because the gift giver knows the recipient so well or because the recipient-in-waiting has launched a small to medium emailing campaign about her preference, there have been times in history when someone opens a present and says, with all sincerity, “this is perfect. How did you know? Thank you!”

The rest of the time, we have to close our eyes and think of England, in gift-terms. We have to thank the person who gave us the gift for remembering our  birthday, for thinking of us, for the gesture.

If the gift does not come with a gift receipt  and you feel like your friends got you a gift that they really want you to enjoy and appreciate, it is not inappropriate to let them know that while  you love the gesture you would  like to exchange it for something more useful to you. Most gift givers have been on the receiving end of this scenario themselves and are happy to facilitate an exchange. However, if, as in your case, the gift was a gag gift, stop at the “thank you.”

Your friends treated you to dinner and you had a nice evening together celebrating your birthday. The penis pasta was just gravy. (Eww.)

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start a new birthday tradition.  Every year, get yourself a gift for your birthday, something that you really want and that others aren’t likely to get you. I’m thinking less “Maserati” and more “manicure” here.

And here’s to many more birthdays with your friends!

Marinka, TMH

 

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