A Studio Of My Own. Until He Took It.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband works from home; his desk is in the family room. Normally this arrangement works well, but it’s school vacation right now. Yesterday I took my daughter out all day so he could have the house to himself and work in peace. But when we got home he proudly showed off his new home office: my studio!
He simply packed all my art and writing projects into cardboard boxes and shoved them in the closet, then he set his computer on my desk and considered it his. I feel violated and angry and I’m having a tough time even being in the same room with him right now. What should I do?
Signed,
It’s My Studio
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Dear Studio Keeper,
When you returned home, did you happen to notice if your husband had any large bumps on his head? A gash across the brow, perhaps? Anything at all to indicate that he may have hit his head and was now out of his mind?
Because absent some kind of a head trauma, I see absolutely no reason for him to think that this kind of occupation of your studio without any discussion or court order is acceptable. I really hope that he didn’t urinate on the walls of the studio to mark his territory, too.
Not only did he violate your space, but he dismissed your work in the process. And as we learned from Dirty Dancing, no one puts Baby in the corner. (You’re “Baby.” And “the corner” is “not the studio.” Sorry, I’m still in Analogy Training.)
I am going to assume that the fact that you’re angry and avoiding him is going totally over his head. I, myself, am married to one of his brethren and have taken to sending emails to my husband to let him know when I’m giving him the Silent Treatment. (He usually replies “okay.”)
You are going to have to talk to your husband. In preparation, do the type of deep breathing exercises that will deprive the rest of the world of oxygen and then let him know that you are upset. Let him know that you considered the studio yours, it has been for a while and if he wants to make a temporary change, you’d appreciate being consulted in advance.
It’s possible that he has been unhappy with the location of his home office for a while and that being in the middle of the family room hasn’t been working for him. Quite honestly, I would not be able to work like that. If he wants to make a change, discuss a time-share of the studio, but make it clear that you do not appreciate being displaced and having your work moved to the side.
Hopefully you and your husband can work this out– perhaps you can time share, with him spending more time in the studio during school vacations or the two of you putting up a wall in the family room to give him more privacy for his work. The important thing is that he acknowledge the importance of your space. And get his stuff the hell out of it.
Best wishes,
Marinka, TMH
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The Mouthy Housewives Help You Pack For The Holidays!
With the holidays upon us, some of us Mouthy Housewives are going to visit family. It’s crucial to pack everything one might need. To make sure nothing is forgotten it’s important to make a survival kit…err…..list.
Here are a few things we will be tucking away in our suitcase:
1. Valium – in case the booze is running low or the spouse needs a ‘time out.’
2. Elephant tranquilizer darts and spit gun – for when things get heated but you don’t want to get up because you finally grabbed the chair next to the plate of cookies.
3. Excedrine – for the migraines that come with sitting through another five hours of Aunt Sally describing her bowel surgery…again.
4. Ear plugs – for the plane ride and also to drown out annoying children, who may or may not be yours. Probably yours.
5. Zombie survival guide – because a zombie apocalypse is eerily close to what happens when the in-laws and extended families come together.
6. War and Peace (or any hefty masterpiece) – so that you can call out “I’ll be right there, almost done!” often.
7. Smelling salts – in case of a fainting spells brought on by too much togetherness, um, happiness.
8. Voodoo doll kit – no reason.
9. A shearling coat with a fleece lining to wear indoors because your mother-in-law moved to Florida to be warm but keeps the thermostat at a very refreshing 50 degrees.
10. Your gymnastics trophy from 5th grade so when your siblings start talking about their PhD’s, you have something to brag about too.
11. Your Justin Bieber musical toothbrush because it just isn’t the holidays until you’ve had a Bieber dance off in the bathroom with your Uncle Herbert.
12. Pencil and paper, a calculator and an abacus – because although family-time, holiday travel and preparations can be trying and exhausting, we know how lucky we are and we never stop counting our blessings.
13. And, of course, the gifts! If you’re like us and waited until the last minute, it’s going to be ok, we can give you some help on that too!
Happy Holidays from The Mouthy Housewives!
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Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (But Your Mom Needs To Stay Home)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mom has no family other than me, which my in-laws are aware of, yet for the past few years they’ve hosted Christmas at their house and haven’t invited her. They live out of state, so my husband and I end up fighting over where I’m “supposed” to go, and I inevitably end up staying with my mom while he travels alone to see his family.
I don’t see why my mom should have to sit home alone on Christmas when she could easily be invited. Her apartment is too small to host a holiday herself, but my husband and I have hosted many holidays at our house and his parents, siblings and the siblings’ girlfriends and boyfriends are always invited. I wouldn’t ever exclude one or both of his parents.
My in-laws also think nothing of discussing Christmas plans in front of my mom when they visit for other holidays, even though she’s the only person in the room who’s not invited, which she finds very hurtful. When I’ve brought up the issue to them in the past, they claimed that they just “didn’t think of her” and she would be invited next time, but she never has been.
They’ve known my mom for years and seem to get along well with her, so I don’t know why she’s not welcome at their house. My husband has said he’s afraid of confronting his parents, so he won’t back me up if I raise the issue again. What should I do?
Signed,
My Mom’s Home Alone
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Dear My Mom’s Home Alone,
I usually try to understand both sides of an issue before I give my brilliant Mouthy Housewives advice, however this time I’m not doing that. Because I absolutely-100%-without- even-a-hint-of-a-doubt think this: your in-laws are being jerks.
Unless your mom is an obnoxious drunk or a racist or a loudmouth about her political/religious/Kardashian views, I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t include her when they know it means so much to their daughter-in-law. My parents happily invited my husband’s mom and dad to our family gatherings from the moment we were engaged and even celebrated birthdays with them when we weren’t there. And more recently, my dad has graciously invited elderly military widows to our Christmas dinners so they don’t have to spend the day alone. (Which is a wonderful thing until that scrappy Edith tries to steal the last drumstick.)
As to why your in-laws being so stingy in this time of giving? Well, they could be one of those families that tend to be rather clannish and don’t like outsiders. (“It’s just The Andersons!”) Or they don’t like your mother for some reason they won’t disclose. Or maybe, and most probably, they’re just completely thoughtless. But the reason doesn’t really matter when it’s causing you and your mom so much hurt.
My advice is to tell your husband again that this is a huge problem for you. They’re his parents, and you’ve already let them know how you feel, so he’s got to man up and talk to them. If he does, great. If not, tell him that you’ll be spending the holiday with your mother and not him. It’s an unfortunate situation, but nobody should be alone on the holidays and you’re a good daughter for knowing that.
I wish you the best of luck with the situation and welcome any of our readers to weigh in with their advice. As Washington Irving said, “Christmas! ‘Tis the season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” Hopefully your in-laws will pull their heads out and realize the wisdom of that sentiment some day soon.
Best,
Wendi, TMH
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Smile And Say Cheese! Now, Pay Up!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a photographer who absolutely adores her job. Nothing is more awesome than capturing memories with my family and friends. However, this career choice has come at a price.
I now find myself constantly on everyone’s guest list, even for my ‘not so close’ friends. But I think my popularity is only based on my camera. I’m not sure I’d be invited if I wasn’t going to capture all of their precious memories for them, for FREE.
I now wrestle with myself over attending these events. Often times, after I get over myself and just go I feel good about it. I get the photos and really enjoy having them UNTIL the inviter (I may have just made that word up) starts hassling and bugging me nonstop to have copies or a disk prepared for them immediately. I don’t feel like it’s right to charge my friends and family for me to be at their celebrations, but how do I tell them nicely that I’m not here for them to use and abuse?
Sincerely,
I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon
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Dear I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon,
Where did you say you lived? Near Brooklyn? Maybe you have next weekend free and would love to picnic in the park with me and my cuter-than-the-cutest-Gerber-baby son who is in dire need of a modeling contract? Also, can you pick up some sandwiches, a couple bottles of wine, and some cookies for the lunch? I’ll bring the blanket and the photogenic kid.
But after that, I would suggest that every once in a while you show up to a shindig without your trusty film-dependent sidekick. Keep everyone on their toes. They will learn pretty quickly not to rely on you to always have your camera and be their unpaid professional photographer. Unfortunately, I think this will be easier said than done.
It seems to me that part of the problem here is your lack of confidence in your own self-worth. While you may enjoy all the photos you take at these events, you may actually be way more scared that people only like you because of your camera. You are worried that if it’s not with you, they will stop inviting you. And for some of these folks, that could indeed be the case. But honestly, do you really want ‘friends’ who only like you because they can get your services for free?
You are lucky to be able to make a living doing something you love and enjoy; not a lot of people can say that. But part of being successful is knowing when to say ‘NO’. And you’ve got to do that, especially for those ‘not so close’ friends. As for your other friends and family, it’s a fine line you’re walking. It makes sense that you don’t want to charge them for your services, however, how will you continue to make a living? Perhaps you can take some pictures for free, but if they want the whole set they will need to pay something. Or maybe you can offer all of the photos at a reduced rate? No matter what you do, don’t undersell yourself. Take pride in your work, and more importantly, who you are as a person!
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
P.S. I’ll need 60 8x10s and about 200 wallet-sized photos. Thanks.
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Facebook Makes Strange Bedfellows
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just noticed my female cousin and my ex-husband are now “friends” on Facebook. My ex was verbally/physically/mentally abuse to me as well as verbally/mentally abusive also to my cousin. Do you feel this is appropriate for the two of them to now be friends on Facebook?
Signed,
Dislike!
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Dear Dislike,
Do you remember a time before Facebook? Where family drama was communicated through phone lines and in whispered hushes at family gatherings? When you had to work a bit harder to be passive aggressive about your feelings for your siblings choice of spouse? When the Internet was a place for the young and hip and not the aging and hip-replaced?
Yeah, me neither.
The fact of the matter is that I find many things about Facebook to be highly inappropriate. They include but are not limited to the following:
1. Telling me what you’re doing today, whether it’s going to the post office or making pasta for dinner. Yes, life is boring, and we’re all gonna die. We don’t need the reminder.
2. ANYTHING THAT MUST BE ACCENTUATED WITH ALL CAPS. Especially if you’re referencing the murder of your husband.
3. Posting pictures of your cleavage. Or moobs. Let’s at least pretend we’re not whores.
4. Updates that fish for compliments, flattery, sympathy, or advice on how to unclog a toilet. Your insecurities and digestive issues make everyone feel uncomfortable.
5. Images of my underage nieces and nephews chugging vodka and/or straddling members of the opposite sex. Mostly because it’s too much too fast, but also because it makes me feel old and prudish.
6. Public feuds. Please have the courtesy to NOT delete your humiliating arguments with your sister in-law. What’s embarrassing for you is a much-needed mood-lifting perspective for the rest of us.
Really, I could go on, but I worry that I’ll implicate myself at some point. So, back to you. Your situation is, hands down, also inappropriate. You should feel supported by your family, especially if you had the strength and courage to get yourself out of an abusive marriage. I can’t pretend to know why your cousin would make that connection, but I think you should certainly confront her. You don’t need to start a fight (though, if you do, please don’t delete it), but be honest about how this betrayal has made you feel.
In the end, what your cousin has done isn’t a Facebook issue, but a sensitivity issue. We’ve already written off the character of your ex, but your family should know better. (Then again, if your cousin also starts posting images of her cleavage, just cut the strings and call it a day.)
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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