Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My children have a paid carpool to school in the morning and travel by bus back home in the afternoon. They are 11 and 19. They travel with a neighbor just around the corner from my home. My kids have now been complaining for a while about this women using foul language on them and telling them that they are “F-ed up.” I really want to approach her and give her a bit of my mind as she has issues and is now taking it out on my kids. What should I do?
Everybody Out of the Car Pool
Dear Everybody Out of the Car Pool,
So let me get this straight. Someone you’re paying with your money is telling your kids that they’re “f-ed up” and you’re wondering what to do? You’re obviously not from the Mouthy Housewife states of Texas or New York, my friend. Oh, no no no no no. If you were, you’d be asking us for bail money instead of asking us for advice. But luckily, we can still help you out because it is our duty as unpaid Internets writers.
Now listen closely: the next time your neighbor comes to pick up your kids, I want you to follow these instructions to the letter:
1. Slowly remove your earrings and hand them to your children while staring intensely at the carpool driver.
2. Repeat above, but with any and all hair extensions. Say something menacing like, “Hold momma’s wig for me, baby, I’s got work ta do” if you like.
3. Take your right hand and curl in all of your fingers until you form a nice, hard fist. (Note: Be sure you’re wearing every fake diamond ring you own.)
4. Now politely ask the driver to get out of the car. Perhaps in the genteel NYPD style. Example: GET YOUR MOTHAFOKKIN ASS OUT OF THE MOTHAFOKKIN CAR BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU, YOU MOTHAFOKKIN UNDERWEAR STAIN. Then roll your neck and snort a few times.
5. Take that asshole all the way down to Chinatown.
If you don’t know what that last step means, well, then you’re either a nun or someone who skips around a daisy field singing country songs all day. But if you do understand it, then there’s no reason why you should let your children be treated that way by anyone ever. And I do mean ever. There’s really no confrontation needed, just get busy and find another way to get them to school.
And if you don’t, then that’s really f-ed up.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am 24 years old and my husband is 28. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and married for 5 months. We are both college grads with well paying jobs, good cars and a nice house. I am ready to have a baby-I’ve got the fever! My husband is not ready yet. He wants to wait another year or two. I could give you 10 million reasons why I want a baby, but as women I am sure you know them all!
I work from home, and lately I have been reading pre-natal health books, pinning nursery ideas, researching baby names and pricing out nursery furniture and safe car seats.
What do I do!?!?!?!?! How can I get him to want a baby as much as I do?
Dear Tick Tock,
Oh, girl. You’ve got baby fever and you’ve got it bad! Unfortunately, it’s not a contagious disease, so I don’t think your husband will catch it, but I do have some medicine that might help reduce your symptoms:
1. Search colicky baby on YouTube.
2. Ask a friend with a toddler if you can babysit, then take the kid to the playground with a toy stroller. Watch other toddlers try to play with the stroller. Try to get them to take turns. [Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!]
3. Take a five year old to Chuck E. Cheese in the middle of the day on a Saturday. Do not bring earplugs — no cheating! Try not to think about all the germs in that habitrail-like crawl space thing that probably never gets cleaned by anyone.
But seriously, what’s the rush? You’re only 24, you’ve only been married for 5 months, and your husband isn’t saying he’s not sure he wants kids, he just wants to wait a couple of years (maybe even less). I have to say, I think that is totally reasonable. Have fun! Revel in that first year of marriage. Enjoy the freedom of being able to go out on a whim (babysitting is super-expensive, yo), travel places with only a carry-on, spend a weekend binge-watching Friday Night Lights, make last minute plans at least once a week, and for heaven’s sake SLEEP!!!! Seriously, I would almost pay you good money to sleep and then report back to me about what it was like. Almost.
Look, I get it. I’ve been where you are. It turns out 8-month-olds in fleece-y buntings are my kryptonite — they look so snuggly, and they’re at that yummy stage where they are just starting to show their personalities after months of just eating, pooping and sleeping, and you just know their necks are sooooo soft and smell sooooo good and ZOMGZ!! Just thinking about it almost makes me want to go for a third. Almost. But having a baby is just the beginning, and while becoming a parent is life-changing and amazing and full of joy, it also has intense moments of stress that can test even the strongest of marriages.
So, my advice is for you to take a breath, put down the baby books, live in the moment, and maybe revisit the idea on your one year anniversary…perhaps while wearing some racy lingerie.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have four sisters-in-law that I just can’t deal with anymore. Any time there is a disagreement, they all gang up on me (as the only in-law) and even my mother-in-law gets in on it as well.
Talking to them about my point of view, or telling them they hurt my feelings is completely useless, as they use this as an opportunity to convince me why their point of view is the right and only way, and then they usually make hurtful and degrading comments. Is it best to keep these toxic relationships out of my life? Or is there really a way to fix this?
Odd Sister Out
Dear Odd Sister Out,
Upon reading your question, of course I immediately pictured the sisters from “The Fighter”:
Wicked pissah, right?
Now, if your sisters-in-law look like any of the beauties above, my advice to you is this: STFU or else you’re gonna get your weave pulled out.
But if your female relatives actually don’t pee standing up, I have other advice. And it’s exactly what you yourself suggested—keep these toxic relationships out of your life. In other words, “Don’t Engage With Crazy.”
If at all possible, avoid getting yourself in situations where you have to interact with these ladies. Skip family parties and get-togethers to the best of your ability for a while. When you do have to be in the same room with them, stick to neutral topics like the weather. And if they try to pick a fight, say something bland like, “That’s an interesting thought,” then WALK AWAY. You may feel like you’re losing the battle because you’re not standing up for yourself, but you’re actually winning the war—-on your mental health. (BOOM. Suck it, Oprah.)
But because you’re related to these women, you’re basically in this situation for the long haul. That’s why I want you to imagine that you’re a duck and everything they throw at you is simply water rolling off your back. None of it soaks in. I know that’s easier said than done, but that kind of visualization has worked for me when I’ve been in toxic situations before. I also used to write the acronym “DLTAKYD” on my hand—which stands for “Don’t Let the Assholes Keep You Down.”
My gut feeling is that these women aren’t going to change how they treat you. So that’s why you have to change how you let them affect you. And with a little work, I think you can do just that. And once you do, it’ll be totally #wickedpissah.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My fiancé’s sister is getting married soon and I really really really do not want to go. His family is pretty dysfunctional (mine is as well, which is why we are eloping). He hasn’t talked to his mom in over 10 years (and has no plans to). She will be there. His dad only talks to him after he calls him several times. His sister only talks to him 4 or 5 times a year.
The rest of his family thinks he should marry someone within his religion (which I am not). He was asked very late in the process to be a usher, and it is all going to be very awkward for me. Should I suck it up, or find a better excuse?
There Isn’t Enough Xanax To Get Through This Wedding
Dear There Isn’t Enough Xanax,
I do not envy you, lady. Weddings can be problematic. Especially when there are lots of tense family dynamics. I feel your anguish. Which is why it hurts me to tell you that I think you should go.
Oh my gosh, did you just throw a frying pan at me?!
Hear me out…
I think it’s impressive that your fiancé wants to attend the wedding. Yes, he only talks to his sister 4 or 5 times a year but we often regret the things we don’t do the most so it’s worth showing up.
And I’m guessing your fiancé could really use your support at this shindig. He’s going to have to face a mother he hasn’t talked to in 10 years and a distant father. That man needs you by his side! So don’t think about all his messed up, judgmental relatives, think about him. It’s one night and you just can’t make him go alone.
I think it’s ridiculous when families get upset over someone marrying outside their religion. That is between you and your husband. You two will decide what faith to practice and how to raise your children. End of story. They should be happy that he found someone to share his life with that he loves and respects.
In regards to the wedding, this is why they created wine. A few glasses (although not too much because you don’t want to end up doing the Philadelphia Chicken dance with his estranged mom) could get you through the night.
Stay by his side, be friendly and cordial and then get the heck out of there. I know you can do it.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Okay so I’ve missed my bus for school a few times and my mom is getting so mad at me. What can I do to make her not mad at me anymore!?
Too Cool For The School Bus
Dear Too Cool,
I fear this is a weighted question, dear child. My reasoning lies within the fact that the solution to your problem should be quite simple–so simple, in fact, that you could figure it out yourself. I think I remember the equation from high school math. You know, that place you go when you catch the bus?
Are you following? Was I supposed to add the Pythagorean Theorem somewhere in there? Divide by Pi? Find the square root?
Maybe I should take a different approach.
I think the problem here is that there is more going on besides the school bus. (God, was this all a metaphor?! Do they mix math and English these days?!) Having a complex or problematic relationship with your mother, in itself, is not a bad thing nor is it surprising. Allow me to run with that assumption for a moment. You’re a teenager and teens traditionally butt heads with parents for very valid reasons around this time. It’s part of establishing your independence. The problems arise when these clashes lead to the deterioration of mutual respect. Are you doing your best to respect your mom’s time, rules, and values? Do you feel that you are doing a good job of communicating your concerns and challenges in return?
This might be a good place to start. Have that conversation with yourself and with your mother.
That, and with setting your alarm about fifteen minutes earlier in the morning.
PS: Maybe our readers have some more tips for you! They probably did better than I in math class, too.