This is a Computer. It Has Internet
The Mouthy Housewives are celebrating turning three years old and you’re getting us the present of advice all week! You already helped Wendi and Kristine so I want to get in on the advice while it’s flowing freely!
Dear Mouthy Housewives Readers,
Here is my dilemma.
My mother is in her 60s and she has a friend who’s in his kazillions. But that’s not the dilemma.
The problem is that this friend is very active on Facebook and my mother does not use the computer at all. Let me repeat that again, slowly, so that you can digest it: My mother does not use the computer. At all. Like she has never been online. She doesn’t know what Facebook is. How is this my (and by extension your) problem?
Well, my mother and her friend have solved their technological incompatibility by asking me to print his inane ramblings off Facebook and hand deliver them to my mother.
Yes, you read that correctly. I have been asked to print crap from Facebook and bring it to my mother so that she can read it and catch up with her friend. And I was so stunned by the inanity of it all that I agreed to do it.
I’ll wait until you stop laughing.
Fine, I’ll go get a snack while you calm down.
That was some delicious soufflé.
The problem is that I seem to have lost the will to live. Whenever I see that my mother’s friend posted something, my heart sinks, a bit lower each time. The way things are going, I’m worried that my heart will get lodged in my thigh soon.
So what do I do?
Tell my mother to find a new sucker or learn the internets or suck it up and print an occasional update for the woman who gave me life and doesn’t ask all that much from me?
Signed,
Marinka, Do Not Like
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One, Two and Now We’re Three! Happy Birthday to the Mighty Mouthies!
Believe it or not, it’s our birthday today! Yes, just three years ago The Mouthy Housewives were nothing but a twinkle in Bradley Cooper’s Swiffer and now just look at us! We’re walking, we’re talking, we’re learning to use the potty by ourselves—OMG, it’s so fun to be 3! Wheeee!
We’re celebrating our big milestone by swilling champagne, gobbling chocolate and licking pictures of Channing Tatum in our Mouthy Mansion all week, and that’s why we need your help. As you know, all year long, we four gorgeous martyrs answer every single one of your questions. Happily, we may add. Even the dog poop and naked model with a stiffy ones. But our birthday is the one week a year when we ask YOU to help US with our issues. Yep, we have problems, too, friends. Even stunning geniuses have flaws. Just ask poor, troubled Giselle Budchen. Bikinis can chafe.
But because we love all of you, our readers, we know that you’re up to the task. So just do what we do: carefully read the question, sniff some glue and/or bath salts, then put on your thinking Spanx and give us your best answers to our problems. Isn’t that so much easier than buying us all a present? Thank you!
First up: Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives’ Readers,
I absolutely hate cooking dinner. HATE IT. I’m a terrible cook and just not interested in improving. I’d be perfectly happy having cottage cheese and fruit for dinner every night if I lived alone. Maybe popcorn if I was feeling festive.
The problem is, I don’t live alone. I live with two kids and a husband. And did you know that kids need to be fed THREE TIMES A DAY?
Anyway, I can usually figure out something they’ll eat, but then my husband doesn’t like it. (He’s very, very healthy and often goes on various regimines where he won’t eat carbs, etc.) Or I make something he likes and the kids hate it. I don’t want to cook something different for everyone, nor am I that interested in delving into cookbooks and trolling Whole Foods for the perfect recipe to please everyone. But I would like us all to eat together at least a couple of nights a week.
My husband is probably okay with just making his own food, but he also works all day and it’d be nice if I could at least make a couple of meals for the family. Any suggestions? Signed,
Wendi, TMH
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Motherhood in Six Words
Mother’s Day is this weekend and The Mouthy Housewives want to take a moment to honor all the mothers out there with a little tribute, so we’ve asked our favorite bloggers to describe motherhood in six words. Here are the beautiful things they had to say:
Nicole Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog: Motherhood means love, joy, and incontinence.
Lisa Rosenberg, Smacksy: Your favorite jewelry: made of macaroni.
Karen Walrond, Chookooloonks: Most rewarding gig you’ll ever have.
Beth Avant, Hip Mama B: exhaustion, pride, smiles, cuddles, anxiety, completion.
TwoBusy, Two Busy: Glad I didn’t push ‘em out.
Jett Superior, Alphabet Junkie: An endless romance, peppered with hysteria.
Tracey Gaughran-Perez, Sweetney: fulfilling, exhilarating, profound, challenging, beautiful, tired.
Lynn, All Fooked Up: Which part of no was confusing?
Jeni, Highly Irritable: Get used to stepping on Legos.
Amy Windsor, Bitchin’ Wives Club: Not lowering expectations, just readjusting them.
Angie, A Whole Lot of Nothing: Modus operandi: Focus on the positive.
Suzy Soro, Where Hot Comes to Die: Something I chose not to do.
Bri, Sarcasmically: GO AWAY WAIT I LOVE YOU.
Andy, Beta Dad: Not for the faint of heart.
Stacey Conner, Is there Any Mommy Out There?: So tired, so dirty, so happy.
Kristen, Motherhood Uncensored: Hatch, grow, fly, in a flash.
Ellen, Love That Max: Life is hectic, powered by love.
Liz, Mom 101: Ew, what’s this on the sofa?
Jenny, The Bloggess: I’d give my life for you.
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Baby on Bored: Having kids hasn’t killed me. Yet.
Tracey Becker, Just Another Mom Blog: I promise: tampons aren’t rocket launchers
Ann Imig, Ann’s Rants: Never close enough never far enough.
Erin Donovan, I’m Gonna Kill Him: Motherhood is…what’s the question again?
Liz McGuire, Peace, Love and Guacamole: Enormous and beautiful, yet surprisingly tedious.
Nancy Davis Kho, Midlife Mixtape: A rollercoaster ride you’d take again.
Shari Simpson-Cabelin, Dusty Earth Mother: Please Consider: Pets Don’t Talk Back.
Pauline, Classy Chaos: One little smile melts my heart.
Jenny, The Suburban Jungle: Unconditional, scary, frustrating, magical, hilarious, aging!
Anna, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Start with Navy Seal. Add tissues.
Deb Rox, Deb On The Rocks: Champagne Wishes, Empty Nest Syndrome Dreams.
Happy Mother’s Day, friends! And remember, if this year doesn’t bring you what you were hoping for, you always have those special stretch marks to enjoy!
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Hands Off My Mother-In-Law, She’s Mine!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister, who is 45 and single, has developed a relationship with my 87-year-old mother-in-law that does not include me. She will drive to my MIL’s, go out to dinner and sleep over. She has also recently started to have my MIL over to her apartment for a couple of nights. My husband also thinks this is odd.
I am married and have two children, one of whom is disabled and I am also in nursing school full time. I can’t devote the amount of time to my mother-in-law that my sister does. My sister and I don’t have the best relationship. It’s okay, but not really close, so when I am mad at her, and I hear that she is at my mother-in-law’s, it kind of drives me nuts. I feel like she is overstepping her boundaries. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Signed,
Hands Off My Mother-In-Law
_____________________________
Dear Hands Off,
Well, here’s an interesting twist on the ol’ Mother-In-Law issue! She’s not mean or snoopy. She doesn’t poop while holding your baby. She doesn’t smell. She’s just hanging out with your sister. Is it wrong that I’ve already cast the movie version of this? “Shirley Maclaine and Cameron Diaz are the sassiest, bustiest twosome you’ve ever seen! And they’re hittin’ the streets this summer in The Mother In Law/Sister Boogaloo in 3-D! Don’t miss this one! Soundtrack by Snoop Dogg.”
OK, well now we know why I no longer work in Hollywood.
But I really fail to see what the problem is with these two forming a friendship. You’re too busy to spend much time with the MIL, so I would think you’d be happy that someone is watching out for her. (Gotta keep an eye on those older ladies or they’ll blow their life savings at the Bingo parlor, you know.) I suspect that both women are a little lonely, so it seems wonderful to me that they found each other and enjoy the same things. My younger sister was a great friend to my mother-in-law before she passed away and I loved that they had that special relationship.
You didn’t say anything about them gossiping about you or joining forces against you, but is that something you’re worried about? Or is it that you’re simply a little jealous and feel left out? Both the MIL and sister dynamic are fraught with issues and emotional landmines, so I think it’s normal to feel a bit weird about it all. But I’m sure if you ever wanted to join them for dinner or movie night, they’d be happy to have your company. Try it.
Friendship and family can take all shapes and forms, and it’s admirable that your sister opts to spend time with an 87-year-old. Maybe she’s getting some mothering from her or maybe she feels useful by giving her time. Whatever the reason, I say just let them have their fun.
Just not at the Bingo parlor.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Harassment?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have lived in our apartment complex for just over 3 years now. One of our neighbors a few doors down has a teenage daughter who has been acting inappropriately since Christmas. She tells my husband (like he cares) that she is 20 so he can “talk” to her if he wants. (She doesn’t look a day past 16!)
She also won’t quit showing up where he is. If he goes to check the mail, she comes out to talk. We will get home at night and she’s parked across the lot from us, but when we come out in the morning, her car has been moved next to us. She has tried several times to give him her number. He tells her that he’s married with a family and doesn’t need her number, but it’s like she doesn’t hear him. She will also go knock on my husband’s car window when he pulls up to the apartment. He tries to ignore her, but she keeps knocking. She is very persistent and is obviously crossing a line. What can I do to get through to this dumb B!%@#?
Signed,
Hate Thy Neighbor
_________________________________________
Dear Hate Thy Neighbor,
Wow. This girl sounds like a real pain in the ass. It must be frustrating that she isn’t listening to your husband when he denies her advances. Obviously, you need to take action with more than candy-coated words. Call me crazy, but Kim Kardashian comes to mind!
Picture it with me! You and the husband are coming home from dinner with the kids. You walk up to the apartment as you normally do, but your husband lingers to collect things from the car. As Neighbor Girl of an Unknown Age approaches your husband, you sneak back out with a bag of flour, take aim, and toss! Fingers crossed it doesn’t land on the car! I mean, husband!
If that’s too messy for your tastes, there’s always the Indiana Jones route. Try booby trapping the parking spot next to yours so that a slew of angry fruit bats is released when her tires trip an invisible wire. That’ll teach her!
Maybe you can’t get bats on short notice, though. In that case, you should definitely get in touch with Gargamel and his cat. Those two are experts at catching annoying little blue things that are often inappropriately dressed.
And, I GUESS, if none of these seems to work with you, there’s always Plan Z . (But, I should warn you that it’s pretty obvious and therefore boring in its effectiveness and common sense level.) Get serious about this mess, stop bitching, and handle the situation like an adult.
If your husband has, in fact, been working diligently to COMPLETELY thwart this girl’s advances (and, based on your descriptions, I suspect he isn’t), you need to move to the next level. This means, if you think it will be effective, talking to her parents about the behavior. Or, you could just go straight to the police. This type of creepy behavior isn’t necessarily life-threatening, but it is indicative of a stalker, which can lead to dangerous territory rapidly. Get a restraining order, if you must.
This isn’t about an annoying girl, but about the safety of your family. Your husband should know that, and so should the cops.
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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