Home Alone Without Macaulay Culkin
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband sometimes travels for his job. I may be a complete ninny for feeling this way, but I don’t like it when he gets tagged on Facebook by coworkers as being at Place A in Town B. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to advertise on the internet that you’re out of town. I know the chances are slim that some sicko would see that, associate me with my husband, know where we live and BAM!, at 2 o’clock in the morning, come do some kind of harm while I’m home alone with our kids.
I probably have a higher chance of randomly running into Johnny Depp and him falling madly in love with me than a sicko tracking me down. Do I sound ridiculous? Or am I being smart?
Signed,
Mind Your Own Business Facebook
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Dear Mind Your Own Business,
Let’s get right to the heart of your question. No, it’s not too late for you to randomly run into Johnny Depp and have him fall madly in love with you. And judging from the fact that he’s now filming Pirates of the Caribbean 16 he should have plenty of that Captain Jack Sparrow dough to spend on you. I just hope you love a man who has a passion for eyeliner.
But until that chance encounter happens, let’s talk about you and your husband’s travel schedule. That Facebook can be a real nuisance. I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg drives by my house each night just to keep tabs on my whereabouts. I hate all these social networks that keep track of everyone’s location. Look, if I wanted to know that Greg Jones from my 10th grade geometry class is currently in the Strand Book Store reading the latest Candace Bushnell book, I would have kept in touch with him.
Now I don’t think you are in any danger. But it’s perfectly normal to have some anxiety when your spouse is out of town. Ask your husband to untag himself on Facebook from anything that pinpoints his location. Or better yet, ask him for his password so you can easily do it yourself. Just don’t take the opportunity to drink too many glasses of Chardonnay and send messages to his ex-girlfriends. Trust me – that does not end well.
Also, do you have an alarm system? This can totally make you feel more comfortable when your husband is away. Finally, hire yourself a full time doorman at your house for added security. (Note: This final tip only works if you have buttloads of extra cash that you just don’t know what to do with).
Let us know when you meet Johnny!
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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I Like Your Boobs!
She’s baaack! Mouthy Housewives’ favorite gal pal, Kristine, from Wait in the Van, is back with more wit and wisdom, and we couldn’t be happier. And not just because it means that we have more time to prepare emotionally for The Bachelorette later today. -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a friend who recently posted a picture on Facebook that she took of herself. Her boob cleavage is VERY prominent in the picture.
I don’t know if it’s on purpose (she paid for her boobs, after all) or just the angle of the camera. Either way, it bothers me.
How can she not notice her giant boob cleavage is in the center of the picture? We’re in our early forties, for Pete’s sake! She should show some class and discretion.
Is there any Facebook etiquette regarding commenting on such a picture? I figure if she’s low brow enough to post a photo like that, it deserves a low brow comment, right?
Signed,
Bugged by Boobies
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Dear Bugged By Boobies,
Let’s get one thing clear right away: there is no way this woman does not know that her cleavage is taking up half the frame. As you said, she paid for that cleavage! Who doesn’t want to show off a new purchase? (Thank goodness that she didn’t get her vajayjay reconstructed, hmm?)
And, listen, I’m with you on the whole, “Bitch please. Put them boobies away” thing. However, there is no WAY you can actually post something on her wall (passive-aggressively or otherwise) without looking like a fully-jealous, bitter, angsty, flat-chested woman yourself.
Which I’m sure you’re totally not! (You’re not, right? Maybe just a few of those things? I mean, I’m sure YOUR boobs are lovely and your cleavage has more class than…something really classy!)
Listen, in the end, I’m left wondering just how much of a friend this person really is to you. Facebook keeps us in touch with so many people these days.
Even the annoying, nose-picking pals from elementary school. Maybe she’s just not worth your frustration. Or, if she’s someone you’re close with and who seems to be having a bit of a…crisis…with her new rack, then you need to talk about it with her privately. This way you can even ask to touch them and no one will know! (Please. LIKE YOU DON’T WANT TO.)
Good luck!
Kristine, Guest TMH
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Once More with the Facebook Shenanigans
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
At what point is it acceptable to defriend someone on Facebook? Assume this person is someone I still see on a regular basis. Like, say, a coworker. And say this person used to be my friend, but has recently gone from ‘friend’ to ‘enemy’ for no clear reason. And assume, not only is she my enemy, but she’s also taking it upon herself to bully me, then sit back and enjoy my suffering? And, let’s just say that I don’t actually want this person to know anything about my life anymore, like, say, how I’m doing. Can I defriend her?
If that’s an immature reaction to her antics, I’d rather not do it; I’d prefer to remain faultless in this whole debacle. It would really be much easier if I could somehow convince Facebook that her profile needed to be shut down. Maybe I could get her to cyber bully me.
Signed,
Evil Has a Facebook Page And I’m Its Friend.
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Dear Evil Has a Facebook Page,
“At what point is it acceptable to defriend someone on Facebook?”
NOW.
“She’s also taking it upon herself to bully me, then sit back and enjoy my suffering.”
THEN DON’T LET HER.
“I don’t actually want this person to know anything about my life anymore.”
AGAIN, DON’T LET HER.
“Can I defriend her?”
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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How to Dump a Friend
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I want to defriend my friend. And, unfortunately, it’s not as easy as it is on Facebook.
We’ve known each other since college, and over the years, we have less and less in common. Our relationship really took a nose dive when she met her husband – I don’t even want to talk about the insane person she became during the wedding planning. I’ve tried really hard to like him, but his combination of arrogance and incompetence is really difficult to be around.
I actually don’t see her very much, but she makes a huge effort to see me every few weeks. She tries to do really nice and thoughtful things for me, but at the same time, she usually says something rude or inappropriate. In the last year, I have had only two interactions with her that were completely positive and I didn’t walk away feeling annoyed or insulted. Unfortunately, if I try to faze her out, she will make an even larger effort to see me and probably confront me on it – and I have a feeling it would be an awful conversation if I was honest with her. What should I do?
Signed,
Stuck in a Sucky Friendship
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Dear Stuck,
It seems unfair. There are so many ways to break up with a boyfriend. You can tell him, “You’re a great guy. But I think we’re better as friends.” Or explain to him, “I’m just not ready for a commitment.” Or just slip out the back. Or make a new plan. Or hop on the bus. The point is – there are a lot of ways to leave a lover (I’m guessing about 50). But none for friendship.
When we are young, we think we will live forever. So we have time for massive amounts of friends (and not just on Facebook, but IRL). I’m pretending that Facebook was actually around when I was younger so work with me here. But as we get older, we realize our time is precious and we’re not going to waste it on sub par friendships. So you are right to dump this girl. Because if you want to be annoyed or insulted, you can get that from your very own family, I’m sure.
I agree that it doesn’t really work to blow off an old friend, especially if they are the aggressive in-your-face type. And a face to face conversation could be excruciating for both of you. So how about an email? Yeah, it’s a little cowardly, but social networks have been helping people find cowardly solutions since 1997!
So write something like this. (I’ve put it in mad lib form for your convenience.) “Your friendship has meant a great deal to me over the years and I will always ______ (verb) about you. But I feel like we have been growing apart for some time. Instead of feeling supported by our friendship, I often feel ________ (adjective). Although you have many wonderful qualities like your ______ (noun) and _________ (noun), I think we just need some time apart right now. I hope you can respect my need for space.”
If she sends back a long rambling email or tries to call you (gasp!) or even visit you (double latte gasp!), politely reiterate your desire for a friendship break. Stand strong and then relish the freedom!
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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No Dissing Deadbeat Dads
It’s Guest Post Friday! And today we’re thrilled to welcome The Empress herself, Alexandra from Good Day, Regular People! Not only is Alexandra a damn fine writer, but she’s also an incredible and generous friend to just about everyone who knows how to spell the word “blog.” Seriously. Get this woman on your side and the world is yours. So, please take a look at her sound advice below, then go check out her always entertaining blog. Thanks, Empress! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My best friend just turned 21, and she has a 1-year-old daughter. The father skipped out of town (literally) when she became pregnant, but my friend has since moved on and is with a wonderful man who has two children of his own. The problem I have is that she posts Facebook statuses about what a deadbeat (among other thing) her daughter’s father is. How can I tell her this is tacky and makes her look bad?
Signed,
Ixnay on the Deadbeat Adday
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Dear Ixnay on the Deadbeat Adday:
Elltay ouryay estiebay atthay—crap. What are the rules on digraphs and Pig Latin again?
This may be the shortest advice given at The Mouthy Housewives. Nonverbal, too. See my hand? See me holding it out in front of me, with my palm extended open? Yeah? Good. That’s for you to drop your bestie’s phone number in there. Me and your girl haz got to talk.
She can’t be doing this. It’s so bad, that I am willing to call her and explain all the reasons around the world in 80 days why she can’t be doing this. Firstly, she does not want to be known as baby mama drama, i.e., X is talking to a new beautiful girl and this comes up, “Aww…she ain’t nothin’…she’s just baby mama drama.” (I’m assuming since he’s a deadbeat dad that he’ll be using the word “ain’t.”)
Secondly, ummmmm….didn’t both the X and baby mama know what happens when you spin the Vatican Roulette wheel?
Thirdly, does she not know (apparently not) that when she gets on Worldbook and tells everyone that her baby daddy is nothing but an Xbox stoned dude with a dungeon tan that she Twitter banged, she’s saying she did this BY CHOICE? Can she hear me? She wanted to do the nasty…with him?
Fourthly and Most Importantly, without baby daddy, she wouldn’t have her beautiful baby. Ponder on that, Missy who must vomit every thought that comes into her head. Practice emotional control and realize that this is your baby’s daddy. What this baby needs is to know that her parents love her—step or biological. Nothing else needs to be known. Realize this and take the higher road.
I’ll call your bestie tomorrow. When’s the best time to find her on Facebook?
Sincerely,
Alexandra, Guest TMH
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