This Is Not the Client List
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am 22 years old and have been massaging for 3 years. Yesterday, I had a young man set up an appointment for a massage and I interviewed him prior to the session. He was 18 years old and was so nervous that he could barely have a conversation.
Apparently, he was from a small town that only had 37 people in it. Basically, he was very socially inexperienced and being in a big city for only 9 days he was still culture shocked. Anyway, I told him to undress completely or leave his underwear on and climb under the sheets. Well, he chose to completely undress and I began to perform a Swedish massage.
I asked if he wanted the glutes done and he said yes, but I was extra careful to be respectful of his privacy. Long story short, when he lay down on his back and I began on his thighs he immediately became erect! His thingy was twitching uncontrollably all over the place, so I applied more pressure and conveniently moved down to below the knee.
When I did the next leg, the same thing. As I’m staring at his ankles, I look back up and see his bright red face and his whole chest covered in semen. I was a bit shocked. He got up, left some money and went quickly. My partner said he must have masturbated after I left, because it is impossible to ejaculate without touch. Now, I can understand an 18 year old boy, that hasn’t had much female contact, getting an erection, but ejaculating and the amount, I just don’t know. I just feel a bit dirty. Can you offer me some advice for future occurrences and is it possible?
Signed,
Mary the Masseuse
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Dear There’s Something About Mary,
Before I get into the nitty gritty, let me get something straight. You say this gentleman was from a town of 37 people– does that mean that once he left there were only 36? Or were there 38 to start with and there are now only 37? Things like that always puzzle me.
As do underwearless massages. You know, for people who are not appearing on The Client List, Lifetime’s fun new “drama” about a woman who becomes a massage therapist with benefits, and I don’t mean health insurance.
Assuming that your question is legitimate (and I’m making the leap here because I had to edit some of the language in our question to make it less pornorific), I would suggest that you ask your clients to keep their underwear on in the future. As to whether a man can ejaculate without any hands-on-penis action, I am going to say yes, with a caveat that I am neither a sex therapist nor do I play one on TV, and that the answer may actually be no. (I am also confused when you say that he must have masturbated after you left, since your email states that you were massaging his ankles at the time of the semencident.)
Nevertheless, if you feel uncomfortable, you are under no obligation to see him again. Discuss the protocol with your partner. Let clients know that their underwear needs to be kept on. I would also recommend that you seek out further guidance from the American Massage Therapy Association.
Good luck to you,
Marinka, TMH
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Whistle While You Work, Just Not While You Zumba, Jerkface
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently really gotten into Zumba at the gym. It’s fun and burns lots of calories, but my favorite part is just going and cutting off my brain for and hour and de-stressing. Unfortunately, in the past two months, some crazy person has started whistling up a storm at almost nonhuman pitch and volume all during class. They really go to town if the instructor does anything “sexy.”
While I know that Zumba is a fun, dancey class, the constant high pitched noise is making me livid, to the point that I want to figure out who’s doing it and go smack them. I feel really petty that this bothers me so much and every class I try to tune it out and be Zen and all, but it’s so annoying that I feel I’m just going to have to cut out the Zumba all together.
Am I right to feel that the gym is not a strip club and you should not detract from a stress relieving exercise class or am I just being a total bitch? I think I’m a pretty nice person and it bothers me that I can’t seem to be cool with the whistling. I even put in a request in the gym suggestion box that it be discouraged and of course it was laughed off as a joke. Thanks for hearing me out.
Signed,
Zumba Zombie
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Dear Zumba Zombie,
(Full disclosure: I have a headache right now and wisely decided to treat it with Chardonnay and Allegra-D. I am therefore not responsible forf;kv;eakv;eklj;l, the weird crap I may say.) (Oh, shut up. Dear Abby did the same thing.)
Good for you, problem-haver, that you’re doing a workout you like! I, for one, have never tried Zumba because anything where lively, rhythm based dancing is involved gives me the big itchy hives. Alas, tis what’s kept me out of Brazil for my entire life.
But even though I can’t relate to your Zumba experience, I can definitely relate to being pissed off by a jerkface in exercise class. In fact, there are two women in my Yogarobayates class who never, ever stop talking to each other. They think they’re sooooo hilarious as they stretch and reach and discuss what they’re cooking for dinner that night. I’ve seriously considered strangling them with a wet yoga strap, only my biceps are usually too tired to pull it off.
But my low-muscle tone issues aside, what I have done is email the owner of my gym and tell her that those two women are super annoying and that they undermine the teachers’ instructions. After all, you’re supposed to be paying attention to what the instructors say and any weird distraction like whistling might mean you stop paying attention and get injured. Therefore, it’s obviously in the best interest of the gym owner to silence the Zumba Moron, right? (This totally worked for me and the gym owner told them to STFU.)
That’s why I advise you to be a hip shaking Norma Rae and get your toned butt down to the gym manager’s office and tell them in no uncertain terms that the WHISTLING MUST CEASE. It is the instructor’s responsibility to make sure that this no longer happens, so make sure you assert yourself and say so. Chances are this person is bothering many other people in the class, too.
Sometimes causing an aural disturbance is almost as offensive as causing a physical disturbance. So you are totally in the right to complain and I really hope you do so. After all, every whistler need a whistle blower to shut him down.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Harassment?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have lived in our apartment complex for just over 3 years now. One of our neighbors a few doors down has a teenage daughter who has been acting inappropriately since Christmas. She tells my husband (like he cares) that she is 20 so he can “talk” to her if he wants. (She doesn’t look a day past 16!)
She also won’t quit showing up where he is. If he goes to check the mail, she comes out to talk. We will get home at night and she’s parked across the lot from us, but when we come out in the morning, her car has been moved next to us. She has tried several times to give him her number. He tells her that he’s married with a family and doesn’t need her number, but it’s like she doesn’t hear him. She will also go knock on my husband’s car window when he pulls up to the apartment. He tries to ignore her, but she keeps knocking. She is very persistent and is obviously crossing a line. What can I do to get through to this dumb B!%@#?
Signed,
Hate Thy Neighbor
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Dear Hate Thy Neighbor,
Wow. This girl sounds like a real pain in the ass. It must be frustrating that she isn’t listening to your husband when he denies her advances. Obviously, you need to take action with more than candy-coated words. Call me crazy, but Kim Kardashian comes to mind!
Picture it with me! You and the husband are coming home from dinner with the kids. You walk up to the apartment as you normally do, but your husband lingers to collect things from the car. As Neighbor Girl of an Unknown Age approaches your husband, you sneak back out with a bag of flour, take aim, and toss! Fingers crossed it doesn’t land on the car! I mean, husband!
If that’s too messy for your tastes, there’s always the Indiana Jones route. Try booby trapping the parking spot next to yours so that a slew of angry fruit bats is released when her tires trip an invisible wire. That’ll teach her!
Maybe you can’t get bats on short notice, though. In that case, you should definitely get in touch with Gargamel and his cat. Those two are experts at catching annoying little blue things that are often inappropriately dressed.
And, I GUESS, if none of these seems to work with you, there’s always Plan Z . (But, I should warn you that it’s pretty obvious and therefore boring in its effectiveness and common sense level.) Get serious about this mess, stop bitching, and handle the situation like an adult.
If your husband has, in fact, been working diligently to COMPLETELY thwart this girl’s advances (and, based on your descriptions, I suspect he isn’t), you need to move to the next level. This means, if you think it will be effective, talking to her parents about the behavior. Or, you could just go straight to the police. This type of creepy behavior isn’t necessarily life-threatening, but it is indicative of a stalker, which can lead to dangerous territory rapidly. Get a restraining order, if you must.
This isn’t about an annoying girl, but about the safety of your family. Your husband should know that, and so should the cops.
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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Talking About Other People’s Children
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Yesterday I was sitting with a group of moms and they were talking about helping out at school and some of the difficult personalities they face with some of the children. I participated by saying one little girl doesn’t like to listen to my direction. That was the extent of what I said and I didn’t say it with a mean tone, just matter of fact. I later realized her aunt was nearby and may have heard my comment.
Should I approach the aunt and apologize? I do not know her that well but she is someone I like and respect. I didn’t say anything terribly rude but I do realize, in general, it is best to not talk about other children.
Signed,
Possible Foot in Mouth
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Dear Possible Foot,
Wow.
You know I’ve heard some things in my day, but this one really takes the cake.
I’m just going to take a deep breath and give you the benefit of the doubt. I will assume that you had an adverse reaction to some medication or maybe you were temporarily possessed by an evil spirit.
Because how else can you explain that awful thing you said about this poor woman’s niece?
I’m just glad that the whole incident passed nonviolently. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some litigation in your future over this issue.
Of course there’s another way of looking at it. That what you said is really no big deal. That it was not mean-spirited, untrue or hurtful. It seems that “doesn’t like to listen to my direction” isn’t a terrible thing to say about someone. It’s not like you said that she was a future Real Housewife or something. In my opinion, you should let it go.
You are not certain if the aunt heard you and if she did, she may have just taken it in stride. It’s possible that she may have even nodded in recognition. If you raise it with her, you may have to repeat what you said about her niece, which, according to my math and your sensibilities would leave you with potentially two feet in your mouth.
If you feel that you absolutely must say something to the aunt, go with something nonchalant like “That was some chat we had about the different personalities in the class!” or “If they made a movie about our school, they’d definitely cast Angelina Jolie as you.”
But I do think it’s important to recognize the discomfort you felt over this relatively minor gossip scenario. So listen to your gut and don’t gossip about other people’s children. Except behind their backs, like everyone else.
Take care,
Marinka, TMH
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The Chocolate Wars
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The “Easter Bunny” left Reese’s peanut butter cups as the majority of sweets in my son’s basket and my son said he didn’t like that kind of candy. In a fit of guilt for not knowing my son’s own preference in Easter candy, I then gave him my much-coveted Ghirardelli chocolate bar to make it up to him. Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children! Or so I thought…
A day or two later, my son decided he did like Reese’s peanut butter candy after all and proceeded to eat what the Easter Bunny left. So I then ate the Ghirardelli chocolate bar, naturally. Well! When my son found out I did this, there were tears of betrayal and anger at mom. He seemed to think it was still his, even though he ate all of the other candy, too. Was I wrong to take back the chocolate bar and eat it?
Signed,
The Easter Mommy
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Dear Easter Mommy,
Of all the important lessons that we as parents can impart onto our children, here is the biggest, baddest one of all:
NEVER TOUCH A WOMAN’S CHOCOLATE
Followed closely by the other crucial life lessons of “Don’t shoot anyone” and “Never wear something with a Looney Tunes character on it to a funeral.”
But honestly, what the hell is going on in your household that your kid thinks there are takee-backees on chocolate? I’m going to have to question your parenting here, lady, because that’s something he should have learned long, long ago. Haven’t you been cherry picking all of the decent candy from his Halloween bag since he was born? Ordering him a chocolate birthday cake even though he wants vanilla so you can snarf it down after the party? Telling him that Grandma forgot to send him Valentine’s Day candy when you’ve actually squirreled it away in your purse so you can hide in your closet later and pretend it’s David Beckham’s pecs while you slowly lick it? No? And you call yourself a mother?
Stunned. Simply stunned.
So that’s why I want you to step away from the computer and immediately go find your son so you can tell him the following two things:
1. Be happy with whatever the hell you get from the Easter Bunny, you punk.
and
2. Do not EVER try to upgrade to Ghirardelli until you’re at least 18. Or have your own mortgage.
That should work for now. But promise me that in the future, you’ll let him know that when it comes to chocolate, whatever momma wants, momma gets. Or else.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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