Is it So Wrong to Threaten Our Child with Divorce?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Several of my son’s friends come from divorced parents and he’s old enough now (9.5 yrs) to begin noticing the effects. We’ve had to discuss how he can’t see his friends as much because both parents must now work full-time and the friends have to spend every other weekend at different places, how this limits the free time each parent gets with the kids, etc.
That being said, let’s get to my real point. My husband and I are beginning to feel the effects of parenting on our marriage. You know, too much kid time and not enough grown up time. We rarely get to even sit beside each other on the couch! When we want to do something alone, like sit beside one another or have a private conversation in our bedroom, of course our kid wants to bust up in between us. So every now and then I’ll tell our son, “You don’t want mom and dad to end up divorced, right? We need some alone time.” Part of me feels like it isn’t right to say something to scare our son, but then again I don’t know how to relate it to a nine-year-old in a way that he 1) can understand that he HAS to let mom and dad have some time to maintain our bond and 2) lets us have it without drama on his part, turning the idea of alone time into just more parental stress and guilt. Advice?
P.S. We do get a babysitter, but after 12 years of parenting (we have an older child too), our monthly night out isn’t enough anymore and we can’t up the babysitting expense up right now. And we reeeealllllyyyy need to begin reconnecting as a couple. Help!
Signed,
Privacy, Please!
_____________________________________
Dear PP,
Listen, I don’t want to come down on you too hard here, because the truth of the matter is that most parents have said something to their kids that probably wasn’t APA approved. For instance, this one time, I told my five year old that I’d be his bestest friend in whole! wide! world! if he’d JUST PICK UP HIS GODFORSAKEN LEGOS. And we all know he’ll probably never be my best friend. I mean, I’m his mother. Plus, he’s not even old enough to be a designated driver.
That said, I want to be clear to you on this:
The part of you that feels bad for scaring your son with such a threat? LISTEN TO THAT PART.
Scaring or threatening children is never a good idea. Never. NEVER EVER. (Unless we’re talking about them dashing into the street to chase a ball, in which case, bring on the gory, terrifying details.)
The bottom line here is that it is not your child’s fault that you and your husband are having trouble finding time alone together. In fact, I’d say that puts you right in line with most families IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. It comes with parenthood, woman! Is it hard to find time alone with your husband? I’m sure it is. But that’s your challenge to struggle with and overcome; it’s most certainly not your son’s.
Kids are smart and they are sensitive to this type of thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already senses that you’re resenting him for coming between your husband and you. I would strongly recommend you have a conversation with him (your husband included) and apologize for the remark. Explain to him that you are just having a rough time of things, and that sometimes even grownups make poor choices. It will hopefully put his mind at ease and also be a good learning experience for the lot of you.
In the meantime, girl, you need to get creative. Stay up late with your husband. Get up early. Take advantage of small moments to sneak upstairs for a quickie. Do whatever the hell works for you. And above all, be patient with the process, because it can take a while to adjust and find something that works. If it feels desperate, remind yourself that no marriage is without bumps (and in some cases potholes and sinkholes and earthquakes and the occasional echoing abyss) in the road. If it’s more than you can handle together, marriage counselors can be miracle workers.
Take a deep breath, pull yourself together, and go smother that little boy in some kisses.
Kristine, TMH.
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This Dance Ain’t 4 Everyone, Just the Exey People
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is still friends with his ex-brother-in-law. Ex-brother-in-law lives with my husband’s ex-wife. I think it’s disrespectful for my husband to spend time at his ex-wife’s house in order to hang out with ex-brother-in-law. Am I being disrespected? Should I feel angry about this situation?
Signed,
Complex
_____________________________
Dear Complex,
Wowza. The last time I felt this confused after reading something was when I was building an Ikea bookcase and couldn’t figure out the how-to instructions. (Said bookcase being “The”Grevbäck,” which I believe means “You just bought yourself an ugly slanty bookcase plus multiple blisters and three extra screws, you stupid American Big Mac Face” in Swedish.) (But my translation may be slightly off because I’m Norwegian.)
Anyway, here’s what I think you said: there’s an ex here, there’s an ex there, everywhere an ex ex. Is that right? Of course it’d be a lot more fun to deal with this issue if there was an “s” added to the beginning of those words, but like my hairdresser always says, let’s just work with the messes we gots all up in he-ah, Ladygirl.
Now, I’ve never been divorced, but I seem to think that exes can see each other without falling into either bed or cahoots with each other. So the fact that he’s seeing his ex-wife isn’t necessarily cause for concern and/or a sign of disrespect. However, if you’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable and he blows you off or is rude about it, then you should definitely let him know he’s upsetting you and see what he says.
Have you suggested that the ex-brother-in-law come to your house to hang out? Or that you all meet someplace else? Like your ex-sister-in-law’s ex-cousin’s ex-partner’s X-Files themed restaurant or something? Because if your husband’s still as eager to see his ex-brother-in-law when his ex-wife isn’t around, that’s a good sign that he’s only interested in the ex-brother-in-law’s friendship and isn’t trying to do anything untoward with his ex-wife.
At least that’s my expert opinion.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am going through a divorce, and it was a mutual decision at first. Then, however, he changed his mind and now says that he will do whatever it takes to win back my affections. He started going to anger management class, being super nice to me all the time, making an effort to come over and help with the kids, and buying stuff for the house without being asked. (He doesn’t live here but we are keeping it casual for the kids so he’s over often.) He texts me saying things like, “Have a fantastic day!” and has just been generally really awesome.
Before the split, he was always a huge ass, so this is very alternate-universe for me. I am intrigued by the change I see in him, but cautious. In the past he has “changed” for the better for a short time and then gone right back to his old ways, and I don’t want to play the fool again when I finally mustered up the strength to walk away!
Then there’s this other thing.
I met another guy. He’s older than me, and he’s so perfect and amazing in every way. It’s just casual, as he is technically married still as well. I’m falling hard for him and can see us having a wonderful future together some day, and I’m not looking for anything full time or super serious right now so it’s convenient. He’s everything I want in a partner, everything I thought my husband would be when we first got married.
I’m so stuck and confused – my husband is making an effort, and I did make vows to him, but this guy is a dream come true. How do I decide what to do?!
Signed,
Stuck in the Middle
____________________________________________
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Well, hot damn girl. Sounds to me like your problem is the kind of problem to have, if you know what I’m saying. (And what I’m saying, is, I guess you’re not into threesomes?) But really, you appear to have two fine (ish) young men before you, begging for your affections, and as I sit here folding my husband’s socks while he takes a his SECOND motherloving nap of the day, I’m GREEN with envy, I tell you.
If this were the 19th Century, I’d suggest that you have these two suitors duel for your love. Or maybe they jousted? Whatever it was, it was probably super sexy and romantic, but also didn’t come with the potential of landing your behind in the slammer for negligent manslaughter.
So, for a more modern and practical solution, you could consult a psychic or one of those Magic 8 Balls. Or, you could do some hard work and serious thinking and sort this all out. I think you have some really tough questions to answer for yourself, and no one can really tell you what you need to do. (That said, I think you need to dump the new guy regardless, and here’s why:)
1. If you’re just ending a serious relationship–and in fact, are still in the process of ending it–you’re not in a good position to start something new. And if your almost-ex was as bad as you say, nearly ANYONE is going to seem like a real charmer in comparison, even this “technically still married” stud. You need some space and perspective and you won’t be getting that wedged between two men. (Metaphorically, of course. Ahem.)
2. I’ve never been divorced, but it seems to me that your hesitancy may be a sign that you haven’t exhausted all your options with your husband. Have you tried marriage counseling? I’m not saying you should get back together with him, but I do think you should be absolutely certain that you’re ready to move on before you do so. Seeing a therapist individually or as a couple will save you from beating yourself up further down the road or accidentally having sex with him or something after the divorce is finalized. (It happens on the Real Housewives!)
3. Take care of yourself. (And, according to my therapist, this does not mean “eat a bunch of Ben & Jerry’s and watch marathon TV,” but what does she know anyway?) Do some soul searching or yoga or whatever, and decide what’s going to be best for you, rather than going with what feels fun or good at the moment.
(Though, if you’ve already bought the Ben & Jerry’s, just send it over to The Mouthy Housewives clubhouse and we’ll totally take care of that for you. Because we’re here to help.)
All the best,
Kristine, TMH
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Oh, No! My Ex-Wife Just Moved Into Cougar Town!
Our Week of Men here at the Mouthy Housewives is coming to an end today and we have to say, despite all of the dirty socks and underwear on the floor, it’s been a total blast! (But, oh my GOD, you men, the toilet seat GOES DOWN, okay?! DOWN.)
Anyway, today we’re super thrilled to welcome one of the best Dad Bloggers around, Doug French of Laid Off Dad! Woohoo! Doug is hilarious, kind, thoughtful and so, so smart. Seriously smart. In fact, he kicks my ass at Words with Friends so badly that I now refuse to play it with him anymore. Doug is also a Babble Voices writer with his column The Turbid Spume and is spearheading the very exciting Dad 2.0 Summit that will have its inaugural year this March 8-10 in Austin, TX. And he also wrote this tweet about his son that has to be one of my very favorite tweets ever:
@LOD “I want to make as many fart sounds on my arm until I grow hair on it and I can’t do it anymore.” Gather ye rosebuds, my son.
Thanks, Doug! We’re honored to have you here today. — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My ex-wife is dating a man who can only be described as “arm candy.” He’s 10 years younger than she is and works at a coffee shop. I know I shouldn’t care what she does, but it’s kind of humiliating to me. Also, a lot of our mutual friends have been calling her a “Cougar” and laughing about it. Should I say something to her? Do I have any right? Or should I just let it run its course?
Signed,
My Ex is Embarrassing Me
_________________________
Dear MXIEM:
Most of my advice relies on how old you are. If you’re nearing retirement, and your wife’s new beau is a 50-year-old barista, you should pick a fight with him. Because a 50-year-old barista clearly has no ambition and will likely acquiesce quicker than C-3PO at a GWAR concert.
Also, it would be hilarious. You could grab him by his little apron, and rough up each other’s comb-overs. Plus, coffee shops are filled with things that are scalding-hot, and/or sharp-edged, and/or fragile, and/or precariously stacked. The potential comic mayhem would undoubtedly delight the patrons, who will look up from the terrible novels they’re writing and Instagram the shit out of it.
If you’re around 40, however, and your replacement is some college-age kid, that’s a bigger matzoh ball to swallow. Your ex is likely crowing about how much better the sex is, how he goes on and on and up and over and through, and likes to snuggle afterward.
Relax. This is theater, and it’s likely not as great as she wants you to believe.
This new guy may be a furious ball of sexual energy, but he’s so addled with his youthful, lusty imperatives that he couldn’t find a clitoris if his life depended on it. Also: my ex-BIL worked in a Caribou Coffee for a while, and within his first month the stink of coffee had penetrated his molecules. He washed his body and clothes enough times to make Lady MacBeth look like a Frenchman, yet he constantly reeked of espresso dust and despair. So your ex likely spends her nights unfulfilled and cuddling up to a rancid caramel latte.
If you still can’t bear the thought of your ex-wife with a younger man, you can always do the Guy Thing and have a go at one of his ex-girlfriends. You might have a shot; they all probably left him because they couldn’t stand the constant coffee-reek, so as long as you maintain a normal rate of hygiene (and wax that back hair), you could actually be a step up.
You’ll date for a while, and jealousies will escalate. You’ll send each other DVDs of your vigorous lovemaking, each of you staring smugly at the camera. But then the lust will fade, as it always does. And it will be awkward for a while. With luck, though, you’ll get past all the weirdness and become great friends who laugh about the past and occasionally get together for a lively game of strip canasta.
Hang in there,
Doug
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E spells PARTY TIME!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?
Signed,
Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle
_________________________
Dear Not Single,
One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!
Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:
1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)
2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!
3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.
But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.
Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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