28 Feb
Is My Boyfriend’s Daughter Too Needy?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I live with my boyfriend who has two girls, ages 8 and 10. I have older kids (18 and 20) who are in college. I like his girls a great deal but the younger one will straddle him on the couch when we are sitting together. It really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s a sexual thing but she is very needy sometimes. She has also climbed in bed with us in the mornings a couple of times. I don’t like that either. I know I need to say something to my boyfriend…but what?

I don’t want to sound jealous of an 8-year-old but maybe I am?

Signed,

Am I Really Jealous of a Tween?

______________________________________________

Dear Am I Really Jealous of a Tween?

Here’s the thing about kids. They are extremely needy. Since your children are grown, you might not remember just how needy because parenthood is about suppressing the past. It’s a natural defense mechanism so we don’t become completely insane.

But let me remind you… needy is what kids do.  It’s their top skill. They want food. They want attention. They want help with their homework. 16 extra hugs at bedtime. 47 books. More food. Now they are thirsty. Now they have to go to the bathroom. Now they want to be tucked back in.  And on and on and on.

Your boyfriend’s 8-year-old sounds pretty normal. She’s still a little kid and wanting to climb on top of her dad and hug with him shouldn’t be cause for alarm.  Many fathers and daughters have a special relationship and she wants to be close to him. It’s also quite common for kids to want to climb into bed with their parents in the morning.  In fact, as long as it’s after 7 am, I love snuggling with my children in bed…until they start screaming at each other because someone has 3 extra inches of space and well, then it’s time for breakfast.

I think you need to figure out where your jealous feeling are coming from. Do you feel like you don’t get enough attention from your boyfriend? If yes, you need to talk to him. If you constantly see him being affectionate with his kids and not you, that will understandably lead to feelings of envy and resentment for you.

If you want to be with this guy, it comes with a package deal. I would try to embrace and bond with his children, instead of seeing them as a threat. Because if you want to be with him in the long run, you are building a family, not just a relationship.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

 

5 Comments <-- Click to comment

14 Jan
Is Craigslist A Good Dating Site?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m 37, and […brace yourself…] I haven’t had any man touch me in the 16 years since my son was born. I was really down and put down about my extra weight, flabby parts, and pregnancy ‘scars’ and have few acquaintances and fewer friends. I’m beyond lonely. I’ve considered the weirdos that troll Craigslist and male prostitutes and just can’t bring myself to do it. Did I mention I have extreme social anxiety? And though I’ve recently upgraded my ‘toy‘ it still doesn’t give what I really miss about sex. So I guess my question is what would you do if you didn’t have the husband part of the family equation?

Signed,

Lonely and Desperate

_____________________________________

Dear Lonely & Desperate

Listen, after reading your note, I can barely set down the box of Kleenex long enough to sputter out with consternation:

CRAIGSLIST?! WOMAN, ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

The fact is, I don’t know you. I don’t know you, but after hearing your story, I love you and my heart aches for you. Similarly, my fiercely honest and protective friend personality (I have several…I call this one Wanda) is screaming her ever-loving head off. You are hurting, anyone can see. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t as in love with yourself as you should be. In different grades, we–as women and as human beings–have all been there at some point. But the key here is to recognize this foolishness. To recognize that you are to be loved–that you are, in fact, IMMENSELY LOVABLE, “pregnancy scars” and all.

And it is SO IMPORTANT that you learn this and know this and really BELIEVE this. Sixteen years is entirely too long to go feeling this way, and in a way, I’m glad you’ve started thinking about Craigslist only because IT’S BATSHIT INSANITY. This, girl, is your wakeup call. Here, let me show you. The following are pulled from the personals section in my local Craigslist. I’m 95% certain they’re both serial killers.

Craigslist 2

FREE DICK PICS!

Craigslist 3

TELL HIM WHY HE SHOULD PICK YOU, he says!

(Here’s to hoping my husband checks my search history!)

Now. Get your beautiful ass to a therapist. This is your first, very important, most critical step. Here you will learn the tools you’ll need to help gain some of that confidence you’re lacking. Also, sit down and decide what it is that you enjoy in this world. Go out and start doing some of those things. You will find strength. You will make friends. You will learn to love yourself and let others love you back.

And then you will come back here and give us an update so that we can all look back on this post and shudder at the thought of what might have been.

Signed,

Kristine, TMH

2 Comments <-- Click to comment

25 Sep
My Best Friend is Addicted to Married Men!

If you went to BlogHer this year, you would have see this super gorgeous redhead running around. And if looking like Princess Ariel isn’t enough, Shari (AKA Dusty Earth Mother) is also an extremely funny, talented writer.  And did we mention she’s super nice?!  Man, it’s exhausting just naming all her amazing qualities. The Mouthy Housewives are delighted to have Shari guest posting today and in return are happy to house sit her adorable pugs anytime. As long as they walk themselves and eat bon bons for dinner.

____________________________________

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My best friend and I have been friends for 25 years. She has never married and hasn’t really dated anyone for a couple of years. Lately she has started seeing married men. When all this started she asked me how I felt about it and I just told her that she’s an adult and can make her own decisions.

The problem is that she keeps telling me all the gory details about what she’s doing with these loser guys. I’m happily married and can’t help but be sympathetic toward their wives. At this point is it too late to tell my friend that I think what she’s doing is disgusting? I really value her friendship and don’t want to lose her.

Signed,

My Best Friend is Gross, But I Still Love Her

________________________________________

Dear My Best Friend is Gross,

Yep, this is a tricky situation. This is trickier than just telling your friend she has spinach in her teeth. Trickier than telling her she has toilet paper on her shoe. Trickier than telling her she’s disgusting for sleeping with married men. Oh. Wait. It’s not trickier than that.

So! Let’s practice, shall we? Let’s imagine a conversation between you and another random single woman participating in a perhaps unwise affair with a married man.

Scene!

YOU: Okay, something’s been bothering me for a while and I need to talk to you about it.

ALEX FORREST, GLENN CLOSE’S CHARACTER FROM “FATAL ATTRACTION”: Oh, what is it?

YOU: Well, it’s… um… can you put that down? It’s distracting me.

ALEX: *chopping onions with foot-long butcher knife* But then how can I make you your favorite omelet for our weekly girls’ brunch that we’ve been doing for 25 years?

YOU: Uh… 25 years. We’ve been friends a long time.

ALEX: Yes, we have. Even though you went off and got happily married and I’m alone and bereft and my reproductive organs are drying up. *lifts rabbit from small cage next to stove, wrings its neck, drops it into boiling water, adds bay leaf* So what did you want to talk about?

YOU: Well… I should have said this a long time ago… I just don’t think it’s right for you to be sleeping with Michael Douglas’s character Dan Gallagher. He’s married and I can’t help but feel badly for—what are you doing?

ALEX: *turns lamp on* I just want to see– *turns lamp off* –if the person who’s saying this– *turns lamp on* –and judging me– *turns lamp off* — — is really my friend of 25 years– *turns lamp on*

YOU: Stop it! It’s because I’m your friend that I’m saying this! And I’m not judging you! Well, except for wearing that white dress with no bra, because it makes your nipples all weird and pokey, but other than that, this is not a judgment!

ALEX: *pouring hydrochloric acid on western omelet* I’m lonely! You can’t understand that because you have someone!

YOU: That’s not true! I do understand! You think that just because I’m married, I’m not lonely at times?! — *cell phone rings* –oh, crap, it’s the emergency room, one of my kids—

ALEX: *stabbing herself in leg with oniony butcher knife while unscrewing lightbulb from lamp and sticking finger into socket while licking acid from melted cast-iron pan* I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, BREEDER!

YOU: Okay, okay! Listen. I just think… you’re better than this. And you deserve better. And so does Anne Archer’s character Beth Gallagher. Oh, honey, I wouldn’t be your real friend if I didn’t tell you the truth. Because I love you.

ALEX: *cries, vomits partially disintegrated small intestine into kitchen pail* You’re so right. I’m going to reconsider kidnapping Ellen Latzen’s character Ellen Gallagher for a roller coaster ride and ice cream. Thank you for helping me to see myself clearly. I love you, too.

Scene!

See how easy that was?! And if the conversation can go that well with a borderline personality bunny-boiling psychotic, think of what a snap it will be with your mere homewrecking friend! But even if you choose to go another route with this convo, you gotta speak up. For her sake, for your sake and for the sake of sisterhood. ‘Cause women are supposed to have each other’s backs, yo.

Peace out.

Signed,

Dusty Earth Mother, Guest TMH

11 Comments <-- Click to comment

02 Aug
Wait…When Did ‘Sports Team’ Become a Euphemism?

Mouthy readers, this is your lucky Thursday, because today we have another Guest Mouthy Housewife in the clubhouse! Noa Gavin, of Oh, Noa, is a 2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year recipient, Nick Moms writer, and creator of the League of Funny Bitches, where she showcases funny writers from around the Internet. Unfortunately, there is a downside here. Aaaaand, it has to do with your Nana. (Maybe you should sit down.) The thing is…it’s just that…Noa? Her website has something to tell you:

See up above where it says that I’m funnier than your Grandma? That’s because I am. I’m sorry for your Nana and all, but, she had to learn sometime. Anyone can be funnier than your Mom, but only the truly exceptional can kick MeMaw’s ass. I’ll happily be that person.

But your grandma’s probably dead at this point, right? No hard feelings! Take it away, Noa!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I seriously cannot stop receiving emails and phone calls from a local sport teams sales representative. While he’s really nice, I fear this is a dead end relationship. He’s selling something I have no interest in buying.

How do I let him know – in as humorous a way as possible – that unless he’s offering me free tickets to a game, I no longer want to be on the receiving end (heheh – pun not intended) of this drawn out sales pitch?

Sincerely,
Where the heck is the end zone?!

___________________________________________

Dear End Zone,

Sounds like you want to take this guy from the starting line to the FriEND ZONE amirite? Nope? Really? That was a pretty good joke. Okay, nevermind—let’s start again.

There are three potential stages to this breakup, and you’ll need to be firm in each of them for this to work.

1. SAY NO: He’s a nice guy, you want to let him down easy, I get it. Still though, he’s being kind of a jerk about this whole thing. I mean, what has he ever done for you? Did he ever take you to someplace nice or tell you your hair looked nice when you got it cut? No. He doesn’t deserve you. Just say, “No thank you, from here and into the future. Please stop calling.”

2. THEN GO: He’s going to be stuck on you for a while, so be prepared for him to pull out all the stops to get you back into his twisted ticket scheme.

“But these hockey seats are to die for!”
“NO. STOP CALLING.”

“But the team needs to hear your voice today!”
“NO. STOP CALLING.”

“But they can’t imagine being in this world without you, and they don’t know how they can go on.”
“NO. SEE A THERAPIST.”

Unless he’s going to permanently give you free tickets and show he’s committed, then you’re done.

3. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: He’s not getting the message. It’s time for some End Zone realness, girl. Every time he calls, answer and then use what I call, “Audio Pepper Spray.” Immediately blare anything by Pitbull as loudly as possible. No one in the world can listen to Pitbull for longer than 3 minutes without massive cranial hemorrhage.

Problem solved!

Sincerely,
Noa Gavin, Guest TMH

1 Comment <-- Click to comment

23 Jul
I’m A Single Man With Needs…For Throw Pillows

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a straight, single man who wants to buy some decorative throw pillows. Do you have any ideas on how I can show that, while I may be a man, I don’t have to live like a bachelor?

Signed,

Accessorizing Adam

_______________________

Dear AA,

First, I’m going to work on the assumption that we’re not speaking in code here. “Throw pillows” means throw pillows, right? Not, like, the liberator sex positioning wedge? Because that would be more up Wendi’s alley, I think.

Now that we have that cleared up, I can proceed in telling you that there is nothing to be ashamed of when you find yourself experiencing these strange new feelings for…throw pillows. As we age, our bodies and brains change! New chemicals are released that lead us to crave certain things! And sometimes that means puberty or menopause, but sometimes it means interior design, too!

One of my favorite places to shop through my feelings look for fashion and design ideas is etsy. You just need to ask yourself what it is about yourself you’d like these pillows to express. Is it your trendy side? You can go with trendy designs, such as stripes or chevrons, but in masculine colors.

Or do you want them to speak to your quirky, hipster qualities? These might work.

Another option is to have fun with upcycling, suggesting to your potential mates that you are eco-friendly and possibly enjoy the smell of patchouli.

Or we could just cut to the chase, here, and just go for the pillows that are going to score you some tail. And if that’s your goal, then you should just empty your checking account for some pillows from Anthropologie.

You’re welcome!

Kristine, TMH

Pillows can be found here, here, here, and here.

9 Comments <-- Click to comment