Stop Dating Losers!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a friend who has a knack for picking horrible men. I know I’ve had doozies in my life, but dude, it’s like she’s a Lifetime movie marathon. There has been 4 relationships in the past 13 years or so.
They’ve all been alcoholics, emotionally abusive, (though I have a feeling that she has issues in being abusive toward them also) some physically abusive, some addicts of various drugs…you get the picture.
She sucks at choosing men. She just got rid of one and I can see that she’s beginning to cave. Even if she doesn’t , she’ll start dating the first loser who shows her some attention anyway. How do I keep her from going into her usual self destructive path? I don’t want to watch it again. It sucks.
Sign,
Help Me Help Her
___________________________________
Dear Help Me Help Her,
Yes, I do get the picture, but then again I’m a Lifetime Movieaholic.
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time a friend of mine dated someone I didn’t approve of, I’d probably have a private island by now. And not many friends. Because for some reason people don’t like to hear that they’re dating losers, abusers, morons and other undesirables in Rush Limbaugh t-shirts.
If your friend continuously dates men who don’t treat her well, it has as much to do with her as with them. Chances are she has low self-esteem, fear of being alone or something else that draws her to these people. And whereas you can give her the “You Can Do Better” talk, her issues are deeper than a pep talk from you can address.
But that doesn’t mean that you should be silent. Let her know that you are concerned about her physical safety and emotional health. Talk to her about what qualities her ideal man would have (but remind her that I am the first in line for Brad Pitt. With a bottle of shampoo and some deodorant). Ask if the men that she is dating are meeting her needs.
At the end of the day, if she is engaging in destructive behavior, you don’t have to watch. Tell her that you love her (or like her a lot), but that you simply can’t endure seeing her endanger herself repeatedly with men who treat her badly. Remove yourself from the situation.
It’s definitely easier said than done, but sometimes you have to save your own sanity first.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Oh, No! My Ex-Wife Just Moved Into Cougar Town!
Our Week of Men here at the Mouthy Housewives is coming to an end today and we have to say, despite all of the dirty socks and underwear on the floor, it’s been a total blast! (But, oh my GOD, you men, the toilet seat GOES DOWN, okay?! DOWN.)
Anyway, today we’re super thrilled to welcome one of the best Dad Bloggers around, Doug French of Laid Off Dad! Woohoo! Doug is hilarious, kind, thoughtful and so, so smart. Seriously smart. In fact, he kicks my ass at Words with Friends so badly that I now refuse to play it with him anymore. Doug is also a Babble Voices writer with his column The Turbid Spume and is spearheading the very exciting Dad 2.0 Summit that will have its inaugural year this March 8-10 in Austin, TX. And he also wrote this tweet about his son that has to be one of my very favorite tweets ever:
@LOD “I want to make as many fart sounds on my arm until I grow hair on it and I can’t do it anymore.” Gather ye rosebuds, my son.
Thanks, Doug! We’re honored to have you here today. — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My ex-wife is dating a man who can only be described as “arm candy.” He’s 10 years younger than she is and works at a coffee shop. I know I shouldn’t care what she does, but it’s kind of humiliating to me. Also, a lot of our mutual friends have been calling her a “Cougar” and laughing about it. Should I say something to her? Do I have any right? Or should I just let it run its course?
Signed,
My Ex is Embarrassing Me
_________________________
Dear MXIEM:
Most of my advice relies on how old you are. If you’re nearing retirement, and your wife’s new beau is a 50-year-old barista, you should pick a fight with him. Because a 50-year-old barista clearly has no ambition and will likely acquiesce quicker than C-3PO at a GWAR concert.
Also, it would be hilarious. You could grab him by his little apron, and rough up each other’s comb-overs. Plus, coffee shops are filled with things that are scalding-hot, and/or sharp-edged, and/or fragile, and/or precariously stacked. The potential comic mayhem would undoubtedly delight the patrons, who will look up from the terrible novels they’re writing and Instagram the shit out of it.
If you’re around 40, however, and your replacement is some college-age kid, that’s a bigger matzoh ball to swallow. Your ex is likely crowing about how much better the sex is, how he goes on and on and up and over and through, and likes to snuggle afterward.
Relax. This is theater, and it’s likely not as great as she wants you to believe.
This new guy may be a furious ball of sexual energy, but he’s so addled with his youthful, lusty imperatives that he couldn’t find a clitoris if his life depended on it. Also: my ex-BIL worked in a Caribou Coffee for a while, and within his first month the stink of coffee had penetrated his molecules. He washed his body and clothes enough times to make Lady MacBeth look like a Frenchman, yet he constantly reeked of espresso dust and despair. So your ex likely spends her nights unfulfilled and cuddling up to a rancid caramel latte.
If you still can’t bear the thought of your ex-wife with a younger man, you can always do the Guy Thing and have a go at one of his ex-girlfriends. You might have a shot; they all probably left him because they couldn’t stand the constant coffee-reek, so as long as you maintain a normal rate of hygiene (and wax that back hair), you could actually be a step up.
You’ll date for a while, and jealousies will escalate. You’ll send each other DVDs of your vigorous lovemaking, each of you staring smugly at the camera. But then the lust will fade, as it always does. And it will be awkward for a while. With luck, though, you’ll get past all the weirdness and become great friends who laugh about the past and occasionally get together for a lively game of strip canasta.
Hang in there,
Doug
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How To Rid Your Relationship Of Fellatio Once And For All
Welcome to It’s Raining Men Week at The Mouthy Housewives!
Neil is one of my oldest and dearest blogging friends. Sure we had our ups and downs like when I asked him to be my gay husband and found out that he wasn’t gay (yet). So then I had to change course and suggest that we each leave our spouses and run away together. He instantly filed for divorce, but then I thought, eh, too much paperwork. So now we’re just good friends. With no benefits whatsoever, except for an occasional guest post. – Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband likes oral a lot more than I do. I can honestly say that I’ll be happy never having to perform oral sex again. Is our marriage doomed? Should I just bite the bullet?
Signed,
Not Too Mouthy
_________________________________________________
Dear Not Too,
Each of the Mouthy Housewives is a certified expert in performing oral sex. It is in my contract not to reveal how I know this information. All I can say is that I am counting the days until August when I will get to see all of my good mommyblogging friends at BlogHer in NYC.
But they are afraid of publicly saying that a wife SHOULD perform oral sex on their husband. They don’t want to get in trouble with the rabid feminists who scan the blogosphere looking to boycott another site. So, instead, they asked me — a white male — to take the heat for them, and have paid me enough to accept the challenge.
Of course, they expect me to say, “Yes, your marriage is doomed if you don’t start giving blowjobs on your husband.”
But I’m going to throw them a twist. Because I am more of a feminist than the writers of The Mouthy Housewives. I do NOT believe that you should give oral sex to your husband if you don’t enjoy it. I am here to tell you how to get out of this chore. What I am about to tell you is such a closely-guarded secret that not even Cosmo Magazine has ever felt brave enough revealing it to the general public.
Men enjoy the chase. I know — big deal. You already knew that. The guy always runs after the girl that he can never have — the cheerleader or supermodel, and he rejects the girl who likes him too much.
But women make the mistake thinking that this ends at marriage. No. Men are creatures of habit. Husbands enjoy oral sex so much because we know it gives you a pain in the neck — literally. We realize that our penises look like weird foreign-looking vegetables seen only at Korean markets, and that we ourselves would never put one in our mouth. It is a challenge to get you to do it.
We like the chase.
Remember how your husband used to buy you flowers and open the door for you on dates, and then he married you and immediately dropped the romantic shtick? That occurred because the challenge was over.
Knowing this about men should give you an “aha” moment. The key to getting out of performing oral sex on your husband is to make it so easy for him that he loses interest and just wants to watch Downton Abbey on TV instead.
Here’s where you bite the bullet. For one month, perform oral sex on your husband. A lot. Every night, every morning, every afternoon. In bed. In the shower. In his office. In the bathroom at Chipotle.
At first, he will be extremely excited by his oral-sex-loving woman, thanking his lucky stars that he married the perfect woman. But, by the second month, he will start find your blow-jobs annoying. This isn’t supposed to be about YOU enjoying yourself!
Here is where smart women start using what I like to call the “30 Day Oral Sex Cleanse” to their advantage.
I’ll let my wife explain it better. She is currently writing a book on the subject for Random House –
“After giving Neil oral sex for at least five times a day for one month, I could see that he was completely bored. For the first time in twelve years, he started to give ME oral sex, not because he wanted to, but just to get out of my blowjobs. One night, I started giving Neil oral sex while in the drive-in line at In-N-Out burgers. I could see the fear in his eyes when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he said the eight words that I was waiting to hear, “Hey, let’s go to a chick flick tonight.” Soon, we were going to the museum every weekend, had a subscription to an opera series and Neil was scrubbing the kitchen floor every night — all in the hope of avoiding my blowjobs! It was then that I realized that my life goal was to help other women get out of performing oral sex, while improving their marriage.”
There it is, in a nutshell. Men will always do the opposite of what you want from him.
If you want to snag a man — don’t call him. Start sleeping with his best friend.
If you don’t want to give him oral sex anymore, never stop giving it to him for a month. Men are like that.
Your marriage will be saved. And you will get your husband to go to Kate Hudson films.
Signed,
Neil, Guest Advisor
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In This Corner, My Mom. And In This Corner, My Boyfriend.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything. My BF and I have been dating for six years and plan on getting married, but she refuses to acknowledge his existence. He is not even “allowed” over at holidays. It makes me feel like I am 15…I’m 25!
She has even gone so far as making things up out of thin air, telling people he abuses me, and then I receive emails from “concerned” friends of hers. Or she will drive by my house intentionally just to call me and ask why he is there!
I am sick and tired of her antics especially because my irresponsible jerk of a brother’s girlfriend walks on water to her. How the hell do I tell her to back off and come back to the real world without causing a war!?
Signed,
I Have a Crazy Mama
______________________
Dear I Have a Crazy Mama,
I admit that when I read your first sentence — “My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything” — I was really hoping this question would involve spaceships, Narnia and a few thousand horny gnomes, but you know what? It’s perfectly fine that it doesn’t. Let’s just go ahead and talk about your mother’s alternate reality. The one that involves her major dislike of your boyfriend. The boyfriend who isn’t a horny gnome who carries a laser gun in his loincloth and drinks unicorn blood from a box. Sigh.
I knew I should have taken that job at TheMouthyDungeonsandDragonsHousewives.com.
But my personal problems aside, there must be something wrong with your boyfriend. Otherwise, why would your mom despise him so? Is he a thief? A con artist? A drinker? A drugger? A performer on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour named Skeeter Juice who tells jokes about raccoon boobies? Seriously, do you have any idea why she might not like him? Because if you don’t, it might be a good idea to sit her down and ask. Perhaps he slighted her years ago and a simple apology is all it’ll take to clear things up.
However, if she actually is completely batshit crazy and has no real reason for disliking him and spreading false rumors, then it’s time for a Come to Jesus talk. Let her know that he’s the most important person in your life and you plan on marrying him whether she approves of it or not. And if she wants you in her life, she’s just going to have to suck it up and deal. I know you don’t want to start a war, but you might have to start a little skirmish just to clear the air. Because right now nothing’s changing in either direction.
Family drama is never fun and I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Hopefully you’ll all come to some kind of resolution and can all peacefully co-exist.
Just like the horny gnomes and unicorns do.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E spells PARTY TIME!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?
Signed,
Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle
_________________________
Dear Not Single,
One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!
Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:
1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)
2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!
3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.
But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.
Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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