He’s Marriage Material. Just Not Now.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, and most of our time together has been wonderful.
However, he is 15 years my senior. This does not bother me, or my friends and family, but lately I am starting to feel pressure from him about when we will be starting a family of our own.
I’m not ready to have children or get married yet, but I do not want to lose him. I really want to accomplish the completion of my bachelor’s degree before I fully settle down, but he is worried that it will take too long and that he will be older than he wants to be when I am finally ready to commit to a family.
I understand his desire for his parents to see their grandchildren, but I am beginning to worry that I am wasting his time by being with him if I won’t be prepared for kids and marriage when he is.
My dreams and goals matter to me, but so do his. What should I do?
Signed,
Not Married With Children
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Dear Not Married With Children,
BREAK UP WITH HIM. Seriously. Right now. And then after a proper amount of time has passed, can you please give me his name and number so I can pass it on to a few of my beautiful, lovely single friends who are totally ready to get married and start a family.
Oh, forget it. He’ll probably still be pining for you.
Every relationship comes with its own challenges. Like my husband has absolutely no sense of direction but always has incredible confidence when it comes to driving somewhere. Which means we’ve been lost like 638 times and had 637 fights over it. (One time we didn’t argue because I was actually sleeping.) You would think GPS would have solved this little marital hiccup but apparently GPS is confusing too. We constantly miss turns and the GPS lets us know in a very condescending tone that it is recalculating the route. Again.
I’m sure you and your boyfriend have no problem reaching your driving destinations but you do have a challenge with your age difference. He’s ready to settle down. You are not. You both have every right to feel the way you do.
So here’s my question… Is this guy the one? Did you immediately say yes? Or did you hem and haw a bit?
If the answer is yes, tell him. Tell him that you want to marry him. You want to have children with him. You love him deeply. But you aren’t ready to ring shop. You will be. But not yet. If he can’t wait or doesn’t understand, you will have to let him go. Because you deserve this time to achieve your own goals. Let me assure you that once you have a couple kids grabbing onto your legs and whining endlessly, it will be a difficult to focus on yourself.
If you hesitated a bit about whether this guy is your soul mate, it’s definitely time to break things off. It will be sad. It will be heartbreaking. But it will be the best thing for both of you.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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I’ll Tumble 4 Ya
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I found out that my 15 year old daughter has a girlfriend. I can’t let her know, because to do so would give away that I was reading her tumblr, and that’s sort of like reading a diary.
So I’m pretty cool with it all… I’m not going all psycho “Oh no, is my daughter really gay? My life is over!” melodramatic or anything. (I honestly think she’s just in an experimental stage, and even if she’s not, I’m not freaking out. She is what she is, and I happen to think she’s really awesome.)
The problem is this: her girlfriend also has a tumblr and posted a photo of herself kissing my daughter. She also talked about her beautiful girlfriend using my daughter’s real first name. So there are photos of my daughter kissing “Beth”, along with my daughter’s first name on “Beth’s”tumblr.
A tumblr is totally public. Anyone can see it, and follow their way from one to another like I did. I am worried about someone from their school finding it and potentially making her life difficult, but I can’t really discuss it with her without letting her know I was cyber-stalking her. Help!
Signed,
Troubled by Tumblr
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Dear Troubled,
First things first: I’m thoroughly relieved to see that you are approaching this situation with an open mind, love, and acceptance. Without those ingredients your task would be even more daunting and problematic. (As if dealing with a teenager of any kind isn’t daunting and problematic enough to begin with.)
That said, I think you have answered your own question here. Her tumblr account is public, right? So, why should you feel ashamed that you TUMBLED upon it? (See what I did there?) This can actually be a really great teachable moment for her when it comes to online privacy and safety. For us parents, it’s easier to see the dangers of the online world, but for our kids, who have grown up entrenched in the culture, it can be more challenging to gain that perspective.
But before you proceed with a plan, I think there’s one question you need to ask for yourself: is it really her online safety that you are concerned with? Or do you feel that you need to reconnect with your daughter in light of this new information? Maybe it’s a bit of both? Because I think the answer to that will dictate your next course of action.
My worry is that there is the potential of distancing your daughter if she feels judged or manipulated. In other words, if she is self-conscious about her sexuality, we don’t want her to think that you are using “online safety” as a front for discouraging her homosexual PDA.
You know your daughter better than I do, so you will be the best predictor of how this discussion might go. If you still feel uncomfortable, or simply want some support through the process, don’t hesitate to seek out a family therapist for some further guidance on the issue. They may even have some insight on this generation’s need to ELIMINATE VOWELS FROM WORDS WITH WILD ABANDON.
Ahem.
Keep us posted,
Kristine, TMH
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How Do I Dump This Abusive Loser?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My ex-boyfriend and I have been doing the off and on thing for 10yrs. He is psychologically abusive. He used to be physically abusive until my brother told him he doesn’t need to be hitting on me, and because he is scared of my brother he quit.
He has cheated on me several times, cut my tires on my car, and numerous other things that are to hard to mention. His daughter, son, and all his friends hate me because he told them a lot of bad things about me.
We are broken up again and he had a new girl friend his daughter found for him, moving in the next day. I want to move on and I have started accepting dates. But I can’t seem to get past the pain of being replaced so easy. I am just heart broken. I text him sometimes he can’t text so he never responds. Finally today I call with this lame excuse to talk to him and he answered which made me feel like a stupid fool. I want to put this relationship behind me and move on I just can’t seem to let go.
Signed,
HELP
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Dear Help,
Let me give you some fast and furious advice: You need to never speak/see/interact with this person (and I use the term loosely) again.
Because you deserve better. So much better.
I believe strongly that when someone shows himself to us, we have to believe him. And this person has shown himself to be an abuser.
He abused you, he terrorized you, he tortured you. You should be getting a restraining order against him, not texting him. (By the way, why are you texting him if he can’t text back? And I’m assuming that he can’t text back because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, right?)
I’m worried that the reason that you keep pursuing him has to do with your self-esteem. Whether this “man” destroyed it or it was precarious before you met him, you need to work through those issues until you believe, with every fiber of your being , that you deserve better. This will not happen overnight but it absolutely can happen and you must MUST take the first step.
There are many resources available to help you. I recommend speaking to your doctor about any suggestions that she may have, and also check out Violence Unsilenced, a website that gives voice to survivors of abuse. Please know that they are very painful stories, but they are also tales of courage and survival and happiness. The resources page is valuable and I urge you to consider it.
I wish you the best. It’s going to take a lot of work on your part, but I hope that you believe that you are worth it. Please keep us posted.
Marinka, TMH
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I Slept with my Employer & Now my Boyfriend is Mad. WTH?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, exclusive for two. When we first started dating, he asked if I had ever cheated in a relationship. Knowing it was a huge deal-breaker for him because of his own past hurts, I confessed that I had been party to someone else cheating (he was married, I was not) more than 5 years ago. After 5 years of dealing privately with the aftermath of that, I have been thrown back into having to deal with it again. The man and his wife are people I see on a nearly daily basis — I nanny their child, and we have family dinners one night a week. We three have moved past it (after several years of distance, we now maintain healthy relationships).
However, the boyfriend cannot make peace with it. He has very extreme reactions, and I fear he’ll never get over it. He’s now projecting those fears onto my other male friendships (including a longtime friend who is a minister, whose family I treat as my own). I feel like I will have to choose between my boyfriend (who, in all other ways, I adore and feel VERY well-matched with) and my friends and support system. What is a logical girl to do?
Signed,
Confused in Carolina
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Dear Confused,
Um.
Okay.
Let me get this straight, because I stopped paying attention after you told me that YOU’RE WORKING FOR THE MAN WITH WHOM YOU HAD AN AFFAIR, AND YOU EAT DINNER WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE ON THE REGULAR.
What…the…hell?
I find this to be all kinds of messed up. For you, for him, for the wife, and for the child you’re nannying. There’s no reason why you should still be in contact with these people, not to mention WORKING for them. You, he, or she can say you’ve “moved on” all you like, but I find that to be impossible. And, if you really want this relationship with your boyfriend to work, it’s inconsiderate and unfair to him as well.
That said, I also am concerned about his own emotional baggage. Everyone’s been hurt before—-as Forrest Gump once said, shit happens—-but that doesn’t give anyone the license to act erratically or, to use your words, extremely, in subsequent relationships. Your boyfriend has issues he needs to work through, and I’m not so certain you’re the best girl with whom he should be working them out, given your current, um, employment situation.
(OMG, really? I still can’t wrap my head around it.)
So that was my long answer, I suppose. In short:
1. Quit your damn job, girl. There are lots of kids that need nannies in your town. Of this, I am sure.
2. Rethink this relationship with your boyfriend, both for his sake and your own. Set him free, and all that jazz, ya know? This is one wonderful moronathan, I’m afraid, and I don’t see how it’s a good foundation for a relationship that has JUST started.
And did I mention you should quit your job?
OMG,
Kristine, TMH
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Where Is The Love?
Welcome back to Guest Post Thursday! Today we have the lovely Lexa from Lemmonex. She’s often better dressed than I am, has more insight and composure in her pinky than I do in my whole body, and pulls off leopard print LIKE A CHAMP. Naturally, she is my nemesis. Good thing I like to keep my enemies close, though because SHE HAS GREAT SHOES! — Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just moved in with my boyfriend of almost a year. We are arguing more than normal and things always seem tense. There is a definite lack of affection. I want things to work with us because I can see a future, but I have no idea how to get through this transition. Any suggestions on how to fix this problem?
Signed,
Bickering Betsy
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Dear Bickering Betsy,
I am the perfect person to answer this question seeing as I once lived with a boyfriend. Sure, we broke up, but that doesn’t mean I do not have some well-earned wisdom to impart on you. Please, learn from my failure.
So, living together is great. No more worrying about when you are going to see your boyfriend again or trying to figure out where to sleep or feeling disgust over his filthy bathroom. There is a real comfort in knowing that you get to come home to your partner every night.
But it can also make you really lazy.
I find that when folks move in together they start taking each other for granted. I could be totally off base here, but it is a pattern I have seen play out a million times with friends. Be honest with yourself; are you slipping into some bad patterns? Like the dishes. If you’re not washing them, who is? The fairies don’t come do them while you are at work. So, did you thank your boyfriend for dealing with them? Or for dealing with the management company or the overflowing pile of laundry? Are you grateful for him for tackling the domestic chores and general life annoyances he is handling? It is easy to fall in to these patterns without even realizing it. And nothing makes me snippier and less inclined to affection than feeling like I am not appreciated..
Which brings me to my other point. Are you tending to the relationship now that you are living with him? It is super easy to fall into a pattern of coming home and vegging out in front of the couch once you live with your partner. DO NOT DO THIS. At least not every day. Take off your dang yoga pants. Plan a date. Have an actual conversation. Keep nurturing your relationship.
I think the real thing to be aware of is this is a change and all relationships need to be cared for during change. Put down the Doritos, get off the internet, and tell your boyfriend why you love him. Hell, SHOW him you love him. Just make sure it’s out at a restaurant and not in front of a TV dinner.
Good luck!
Lexa, Guest TMH
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