Mouthing Off: Anthony Weiner Seeks Our Advice
It’s time for “Mouthing Off!” where we give our take on something outrageous going on in the news. We, of course, couldn’t ignore the Congressman Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal. And then coincidentally this email arrived….
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a problem. I am a married politician (I can’t reveal my identity. This site is anonymous – right?). Anyway, I have been having some inappropriate online relationships with a couple, maybe several, okay let’s call it a handful of women. Is six a handful? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The point is my wife, constituents and pretty much everyone (except for right wing conservatives) are really pissed off at me now. How do I make amends?
Signed,
Chanthony Leiner
_________________________________
Dear Chanthony Leiner,
Lucky for you, we Mouthy Housewives have lots of experience when it comes to mistakenly sending photos of our privates to college students in Seattle. Just last night, I tweeted a photo of my scrumptious bum to an economics major at the University of Washington. We all do our part to try to lift America out of this recession.
Here’s how to make amends…
1. Learn how to use Twitter. Use the @ symbol or no symbol at all to post important congressional tweets like… “Everyone in New York is getting a tax refund!” Use the “d” which is a direct message to post important personal tweets like photos of your penis.
2. But keep in mind that no woman (not even your wife) actually wants to see a photo of your penis. Or even your Jockey shorts over your penis. We do not think it’s sexy. Or hot. Or sexually enticing. It’s creepy. Really creepy.
3. Keep apologizing. That press conference was a very good start. The key is to apologize while you actually do something. Like apologize while you empty the dishwasher. Apologize while you fold laundry. Apologize while you give your wife a foot massage. Think of it as multi-tasking. You know, the way you used to sext and write legislation at the very same time.
4. Change your last name to something that doesn’t make people think of a penis. Do not change your name to dong, woody, member or wang.
5. Seek counseling. Seriously. Immediately.
Good luck to you! Keep us posted.
The Mouthy Housewives
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Missing The Grand Ole Oprah
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am so sad that Oprah is ending her show! I feel like it’s an end of an era and I’m in mourning. Is that normal and do you have any tips to help me get through this?
Signed,
I Want The Big O
_________________________
Dear I Want The Big O,
Before I answer your question, I have a confession to make: I really don’t like Oprah. In fact, I find her to be boastful, overbearing and pomp…wait a sec. Is someone breaking into my house?……………..was that glass shattering? adn ll;kae,……
888888888888888
HELP ME!!!!! GAYLE KING IS HITTING ME WITH A PIPE AND >>>>>>>el;aifeak
XO-93———————STOP CHOKING ME NATE BERKUS! STOP!!!!! 9)FJ(DDF(E/M<CC< EAT SH*T AND DIE, SUZY ORMAN! NO, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT! !:PUT DOWN THE RIFLE!!!!! I’M SORRY!!!!!!! I’LL READ “THE SECRET”!!! I PROMISE!!! K ;K;;;;;;;VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>HOLY SHIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SYRINGE, DR. OZ!?!?!?
___((FE++FE=(whimper)……………………………
As I was saying, I am a huge, HUGE fan of Oprah and like the rest of the world, I’ll certainly spiral into a pit of depression when her absolute genius and common-folk touch are no longer around to make my pathetic life worth living. So “yes,” I’d say it’s completely normal for you to feel sad about her departure. It’s pretty much a death in the family, only the dead person now owns a basic cable network that airs Dr. Phil shows from 2003. I’m tearing up just thinking of it. (But that also might be from whatever it was that Dr. Oz just injected into my neck.)
As far as tips to get you through this, the first thing you should do is watch this. The second thing you should do is, well, get a grip. Because here’s my crazy theory: I predict that after a few years out of the spotlight, Oprah’s going to triumphantly return to us. Fat Oprah or Thin Oprah, I don’t yet know, but just like The Terminator, fire ants and the human papillomavirus, there’s no way to keep her away for good.
In the meantime, I advise you to cover your television in a black shroud for a period of seven days. Then, after you’ve gone through the Five Stages of Grief, lift off the shroud and put on a nice, entertaining movie to take your mind off Oprah. A comedy, a love story, or maybe even something starring everyone’s favorite movie star, John Tra–VOLTA!
Yours In Sympathy,
Wendi, TMH
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Why You Should Give a Royal Sh*t About the Wedding of the Century
Here at The Mouthy Housewives, we are nothing if not Royal. But this week we’ve been busy producing our birth certificates and banishing the images of Donald Trump’s hair from our psyches. So we’ve had to turn to our lovely friend Amy of The Bitchin’ Wives Club, who happens to live just across the pond, for her guidance. See, some people don’t seem to care about the Royal Wedding. Which is wrong. So wrong. Here’s why!
I find it hard to believe, but I hear that there are still some people who say they don’t care about Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday. With the media in a full froth, revealing new details and aspects of the royal wedding daily (hourly, actually), it seems to me that, by now, any American who says they aren’t the slightest bit interested in Kate and Wils is either (a) lying, (b) a man, particularly one who hasn’t seen the photo of Kate in lingerie; or (c) cynical beyond repair.
Our culture has so ingrained the Princess story-line into the national psyche via movies, soap operas, and merchandising that I daresay it is almost impossible to find a girl in America who hasn’t secretly dreamed of snaring herself some kind of Royal when she grows up (or at the very least bedding a Brit, for the not-so-ambitious skanks out there). Hell, even a 30-something, twice-divorced, still married woman can cling to the dream, if one is to hold up Wallis Simpson
as inspiration.
So, basically, what I’m saying is that anyone who honestly doesn’t care about the Royal Wedding and thinks that everyone in America should just get over it and give up on the monarchy and the whole idea of Prince Charming… would be responsible for the downfall of pretty much the entire entertainment industry as we know it.
Especially Disney. And if that happened, what would all the little girls wear for Halloween?! Following that logic, anyone suffering from Royal ambivalence is actually un-American, because what’s more American than Disney and Hollywood? So, that, my friends, is why you should totally care about the Royal Wedding and set your DVRs accordingly.
Toodles,
Amy, Guest TMH
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Heather’s Mouthy Housewife BlogHer Party for One
This video was recorded in front of a live studio audience. Of my cats. Many thanks to JVC, a Mouthy Housewife BlogHer Party sponsor, for the HD Everio camcorder, which made this vlog (and the party) possible!
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Celebrity Deaths. So Sad. (Yawn.)
Welcome to Guest Mouthy Housewife Friday! Today’s Guest is the lovely Le Shallow Gal. Don’t let the French fool you, she’s very approachable. Even though she uses footnotes. She also holds the honor of being one of the few bloggers in the world who’s been over to my house. Which means that she observed my housewifery in action. Thanks, SG, for taking one for the team and doing the housewifely duty this Friday! – Marinka, TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Why are people so heartbroken when a geriatric celebrity dies? And am I dead inside because I don’t care about Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, and Golden Girl Rue? And what do I tell friends who seem to sit shiva for every Hollywood geezer that keels over?
Signed,
Celebrity Death Match
__________________________________
Dear Celebrity Death Match,
Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Rue McClanahan all died within a week of each other? Wow, bad things really do happen in two and a half (1). But honey, if you’re looking for an impartial evaluation of your empathetic appropriateness, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Now the first part of your question is really more of a psych 101 final, so here’s my blue book in a nutshell. Celebrity deaths are sad because: people become aware of their mortality / Celebrities are raised to a deity-like status and thought to be immortal / People feel like they know famous people and thus feel like they lost a friend.
But I’m not making the big bucks (2) for helping community college students cheat on an exam, but rather for giving advice, so here it is:
There are different levels of celebrity mourning. Making a Michael Jackson playlist for a party? Acceptable. Buying and bronzing everything Billy Mays ever hawked? Not acceptable. I’m assuming your friends falls somewhere in the middle. (3)
Therefore, just smile, agree how sad it is and change the subject to whether Jill and Bethenny are going to be able to salvage their friendship. If the subject returns to the dearly departed, a simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” should make them realize how silly they sound, while sounding sincere enough to avoid being called a heartless bitch.
But if they’re serving lox from Zabars at these little shiva gatherings, let me know. For the right Kosher spread, I may be able to work up a little angst.
Sincerely,
Amy, Guest TMH
1) How creepy is it that Gary Coleman’s casket already had his name on it?
I could do this all day.
2) Any previous guest poster who did not receive their check and gift basket needs to let Marinka know ASAP.
3) If they’re on the Billy Mays side of the spectrum, I’m afraid you need new friends.
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