Tomorrow is Tax Day in America and we at the Mouthy Housewives have been eating bon-bons by the bucketful to ease the pain. We just realized that so many of the things we rely on aren’t tax deductible!
So, we’ve decided to put together a list for the IRS to put in place before next year. Maybe by then Wendi will no longer be hogging the box of Zinfandel while crying in the closet.
Medical and Dental Expenses
Case of Costco Pinot Grigio (Doctor’s orders! And by Doctor we mean the owner of our local liquor store)
Botox (we read a study that showed those with Botox had less anger,or at least were able to express less anger, so, let’s call this “Anger Management”)
40 Gallons of chocolate chip ice cream (it’s like frozen Prozac!)
Muumuus for the nudists who live next door (Neighborhood beautification)
Suspenders for Larry of the Neighborhood Watch (trust us…this helps EVERYONE!)
Year subscription to Us Weekly and In Touch
There was that time we called long distance to Switzerland to order special anti-wrinkle cream and we had to use our 8th grade French
Cable TV (so we can stay current on important issues like Bridezillas, The Bachelor, and Dance Moms)
Business Use of Home
Storage of daughter’s 200 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies (this may or may not…ok, may, include the subsequent purchase and devouring of said 200 boxes of cookies and then a necessary personal trainer)
Carpet cleaner and interior painter for that fateful Monday night when Book Club became Fight Club (We can’t talk about it…)
Business Use of Car
Impromptu trip to Mexico for select members of PTA (To taste test margaritas for next PTA fundraiser)
Driving Mother-in-law home 3000 miles when her flight was cancelled (Also includes the price of a stun gun and duct tape)
What do you think, have we missed anything?
From the files of Oh, You Thought You’d Heard It All? comes this gem:
If you think it’s in an effort to lower people’s cholesterol levels or to get the children out of the secular chocolate bunny world and into the House of Worship to celebrate the Resurrection, then you are absolutely adorable.
And wrong. Because the reason that the annual Easter Egg Hunt has been canceled is because some parents acted so horribly last year, the organizers would rather cancel the whole thing than have to babysit the parents. Who can blame them?
Reports of parents jumping in to get plastic eggs so that their child wouldn’t have to have the indignity of remaining eggless are mortifying, until you hear one of the parents explain:
You have all these eggs just lying around, and parents helping out. You better believe I’m going to help my kid get one of those eggs. I promised my kid an Easter egg hunt and I’d want to give him an even edge.
That’s right, you better believe it. Because once you make a promise of a plastic egg to your kid, you don’t want to fool around with that blood oath. And if the other parents jumped in and swooped up an egg so that your kid didn’t get one, what would you do? Use it as a life lesson that sometimes people act badly? Or join them because you are not leaving without the motherfokkin’ plastic egg?
The parents acting badly are being labeled helicopter parents. We find that unfair. A parent can be overprotective and hovering (you know, helicopter) without being obnoxious to others. This goes way beyond that.
As parents, we all want what is best for our kids. And that includes Easter eggs and even chocolate and jellybeans. But sometimes we need to step back and realize that teaching our children that it’s okay to push and shove as long as we get the plastic egg is not the lesson we want to impart.
Now, Faberge eggs—that’s a different story.
The Mouthy Housewives support safe sex. And family values. And access to birth control. And Planned Parenthood.
Vote for The Mouthy Housewives for President!
But recently we saw a website that made us wonder:
Go ahead, click on it!
As far as we can tell, Where Did You Wear It is a site that highlights the importance of using condoms, both in terms of preventing pregnancy (98% effective!) and preventing transmittal of STDs (hey, when did we stop calling them venereal diseases? 1800’s? Ok!)
The idea of the site is that you can check in where you’re using the condoms. College students in Western Washington are getting condoms that have a code on the wrapper that they can scan with their phones to register on Where Did You Wear It?
And you thought your Friday night was romanic.
We love it because we love everything that promotes safe sex and discussion about safe sex.
But we are also wondering if social media is going a bit far?
And also about why anyone over 49 is lumped with everyone from 50 year olds to Methuselah.
What do you think?
Good thing? Or going too far?
As our loyal readers know, we Mouthy Housewives are an opinionated bunch. Which is why we (semi-sort-of-when-we-feel-like-it) regularly have our “Mouthing Off” posts where we express our thoughts on issues of the day. What can we say, it keeps us off the streets, yo.
We’re always very thrilled when all of you chime in with your thoughts and comments, but now we’re even more thrilled because other places are taking notice. Big places.
Places like THE NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES for one. After we wrote our Mouthing Off about the horror that is middle-school lockers decorated with chandeliers, they had their own article about it and quoted us! Whoohoo! Click here to read it. (The writer also told us how much she loved reading all of your hilarious comments on that post.)
And more recently, we wrote a Mouthing Off about the horror that is the McDonald’s playgrounds and found ourselves quoted in OK! MAGAZINE. (If you don’t know of OK!, it’s basically the British USWeekly. Lots of celebrity gossip, but sometimes they have recipes for bangers and mash and talk about wankers named “Reginald.”) But just check THIS out:
“–Blog, Mouthyhousewives.com”—that’s us baby! And we’re facing off against some smarty-pants lawyer dude. Ooooooh!
Anyway, there’s really no point to this post except to say how cool we think it is to get noticed by the world at large and to say thank you to everyone who regularly reads our Mouthing Off posts. We love to know what you think, too.
Also, in case you missed yesterday’s big CHICKtionary book giveaway, you can still enter. Click here for the info and rules.
HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!
We Mouthy Housewives are practically speechless over here and you know that doesn’t happen very often. We just can not believe that Congress recently decided to dismantle a USDA effort to make school lunches healthier by continuing to insist that pizza is one vegetable serving because and we swear this is true – it contains tomato paste!
Well done, Congress! We mothers are just thrilled about this because now we no longer have to convince our kids to eat broccoli and spinach. What a silly waste of time. You don’t have to actually try to get your children to eat fruits and vegetables. Just pretend they are already eating them!
Here’s a few tips to help you feed your kids:
Cheetos are really oranges. After all, they are the same color!
Doritos are just like carrots. See above for the easy-to- understand explanation.
Sausages are the same as salads. Both have a variety of stuff in them!
A Twinkie is like the identical twin of a banana or an ear of corn. But so much yummier!
See what we mean? Your kids will be happier. Less struggles at the dinner table. And sure, obesity and diabetes amongst our children will likely skyrocket. But isn’t that a fair trade off for a scrumptious meal of junk food?!
We think so too. And thankfully, Congress didn’t stop there. Our elected officials also voted to keep french fries on the menu and and delay limits on sodium and delay a requirement to boost whole grains. Bravo Congress!
Thank you for taking care of your lobbyists, instead of our children. We very much look forward to next November when we kick your pathetic, pansy tushes out of office. We promise to throw you a goodbye party. Pizza will definitely be on the menu.