Dear Mouthy Housewives,
When the 2012 election is finally over, is it acceptable to go destroy my neighbor’s yard signs? They’re for a candidate I voted against and I’ve looked at them (the signs, sometimes the neighbors) with hatred for six total months. Please say it’s okay to go get medieval on them signs.
Atilla the Hun
This certainly has been a particularly divisive election, what with the political climate charged with things like uteri, employment, war, and Big Bird. In fact, a friend was just lamenting that half of her family unfriended her on Facebook because of her political status updates. But good riddance, right? (Unless it was wealthy Uncle Bob, in which case it’s time to repent.)
With your neighbors, however, it can be even trickier ground to navigate since they’re, like, real-life people and not just fake Internet ones. For this reason, I would caution you against destroying their signs with a midnight shock-and-awe campaign. Unless, of course, you have a really awesome plan that would frame that crotchety couple across the block that no one likes anyway, because it’d basically be a victimless crime. Mostly.
Plus, you should seize this opportunity to teach your children a lesson about tolerance. Or maybe just maturity. Do your best to get yourself and all your like-minded friends out to the polls next time, and take comfort in the sense of gratification you get from rocking the vote and working hard to get your political ideals into positions of power! Success is the best revenge, right?
Oh, who am I kidding. Kick those damn signs in, blame it on the dog, and then bake them a cake laced with Visine.
It’s the American Way.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My first grade kid is in the midst of class elections. His teacher is really doing it up: primaries, debates, interviews, three tickets of kids on different platforms. Some parents, all of whom tend to be a bit more serious than my own mouthy self, have suggested that this is too much stress for the kids. They think it’s too devastating to lose and that the teacher should turn this into making up referenda for the school instead. I think the way the teacher has set up the process is a lot of work but a great learning opportunity. I also think she has done a great job preparing the kids for possibly losing. My kid says that everyone in class looks forward to Social Studies because they are all so into the elections. I want to write back the other parents and say, “Settle down,” but I fear being the lone dissenter to the dissent.
Dear Electoral Coddle-ge,
It took me a while to be able to respond, because I was having too much fun imagining a debate between three 1st graders. You know, the kid who runs on sugary snacks, extra recess and longer nap-times is totally pandering.
Anyway. About these other parents. I am with you sister. These kids are going through this exercise during one of the most contentious presidential races in history. If the point is to teach them how it all works, their election should mirror the actual process as closely as possible. Demand to see birth certificates! Who paid less taxes on their allowance! Which kid believes in choice time, and which one only believes in choice time when the life of the teacher is at stake?! Huh? Oh. Hmmm. Sorry. Got a little carried away there.
Yes, I am sure the kids that lose in this election will be upset. What’s so wrong with that? The sooner the parents help their kids manage that, and teach them that there’s always the next election, or the next game, the better off they will be. As far as you speaking up and letting your opinion be known, I think with the right approach, you could come across as the voice of reason. Point out what a positive experience it will be for the kids, and perhaps give examples of actual politicians who lost their first elections and then went on to win later.
May the best kid win!
On Monday morning, AOL had this on their home page:
And a few question came to mind.
Like what’s with AOL not having access to apostrophes? Who’s “dying” to know about her baby? And how does one accidentally reveal their baby’s gender on Twitter?! Did Mr. Holly think he was writing in his secret diary and surprise! He posted it on Twitter instead?
Also, is “smoking mom” a description of Holly’s looks or what she was caught doing in the alley behind her OB/GYN’s office? But the biggest question we have is why do people think it’s okay to refer to a female fetus as a possible future bunny?
Maybe it’s the crazy idea that sexualizing children (and fetuses! and embryos!) is repulsive. Or that “a little boy or a little girl” would have gotten the gender message across just fine. But enough already.
Call a girl a girl. Without making her into a Playmate. Do you think you can do that AOL? No apostrophes required.
Dear Mouthy Housewives Readers,
What do you do when you’re giving out advice left and right, solving problems and improving people’s lives when–all of a sudden–Mitt Romney picks Paul Ryan as his running mate?
Well, if you’re like us, you start a Paul Ryan Gosling Twitter account.
And then the Internet practically gives you a Nobel Peace Prize.
While we’re still waiting for the yachts, champagne, and Binders Full of Men that we naturally assume comes with such recognition, we have received many flattering write-ups from the following online publications and news outlets:
…and many more!
We just wanted to fill our favorite fans in on the big news. But don’t worry: we won’t forget you on our way to the top (of the Secret Service’s Most Wanted list.)
The Mouthy Housewives
Wendi, Kelcey, Kristine, Marinka and Karen
It’s well-known that going to Hooters for their wings is like reading Playboy for the articles. In other words: something we ALL do. Ahem. S0 when we Mouthy Housewives saw that the famous “breastaurant” is working to revamp its image with the goal of attracting more female patrons, we immediately called for an emergency Housewife meeting. Certainly we couldn’t just sit on the sidelines while we watched Hooters swirl ’round the economic drain, right? We are nothing if not huge supporters of boobie businesses. Why, just the mere thought of Hooters no longer being a bastion for horny males threw us for a loop!
Where will I go for football games? cried Marinka during our meeting.
How will I find another part-time job? worried Kelcey.
Who will feed my husband when I’ve kicked him out of the house? asked Kristine.
Is it time for Happy Hour? pondered Wendi.
But, in an Herculean effort to sustain the American tradition of cleavage and fried meats, we managed to come up with the following suggestions to help Hooters rebrand itself and attract patrons that don’t necessarily have a penis.
How Hooters Can Attract More Female Customers
1. Change their name to Channing Tatum-ooters.
2. Place a cloistered nun at all tables to stop wandering eyes.
3. Change the menu to include complimentary bra fittings and round-the-clock QVC programming.
4. Hire radical feminists with high ideals and nice racks.
5. Offer free dildo punch cards for frequent customers.
6. Demand that any accentuated breasts must be currently lactating.
7. Put male servers in hot pants and tank tops, then pay them less than what the women servers earn.
8. New appetizer: a hot dog called “The David Beckham”! (Sorry, non-vegan.)
9. Change the slogan to: “Greasy Tits and Oven Mitts”.
10. Offer childcare on premises. While mom dines on delicious Hootertizers, the kids can kick back at MiniHooters. Fun for the whole family!
11. A free box of tampons with every order of chicken strips.
12. Gluten free options like mani’s, pedi’s and blowouts while you wait to be seated.
To the Hooters CEO: our invoice is forthcoming!