06 May
Name Kelcey’s Baby!

As you may know, our beloved Kelcey is expecting her 4th or 5th bundle of joy–a baby boy–virtually any day now, and the rest of us here at The Mouthy Housewives are giddy with excitement (and relief that it is not us about to give birth). Over the weekend, we’ve been brainstorming and bickering over the best gift to give our BFF as a don’t-call-it-a-push-present. Ultimately, we decided that material gifts are not nearly as amazing as those that come from our hearts and brains, which is why our offering is the gift of a name.

That’s right. We’re offering to name your child, Kelcey! (Sorry, probably should’ve told you to sit down first, as we’re sure you’re overcome with gratitude for such wonderful friends.) Creating an algorithm we remember from our stripper days, and pulling from some of Kelcey’s favorite things, this is what we have created:

kelcey baby name

We’re taking a name from the cast of Friday Night Lights, adding the name of our favorite candy, and VOILA! So here are our respective offerings.

Kristine: Riggins Zagnut

If this isn’t the most refined name for a baby boy you’ve ever heard, then you must hang out with some really fancy people. Take this gift, Kelcey, and run with it. Your son is going to really make a name for himself in this world. All thanks to me. (Well, and you, I guess…and your husband, if you want to get graphic about it.)

Marinka: Buddy Kit Kat

You’re welcome.  And so is your baby boy, Buddy.  I can see him in high school now– The Budster! The ladies love the Kit Kat! I’ll start monogramming that pillow now.

Karen: Saracen Heath

People use last names as first names all the time now. It’s super-cool. With this name your boy will have good looks, good sense, and the ability to put up with the most annoying girlfriend ever. Plus, he will have a crunchy toffee center.

Wendi: Coach Taylor Twizzler

The beauty of this name is that even if your new baby is a complete disaster at every sport, it won’t matter because his very name will guarantee he gets on the team! Baby Coach! And, if he desires, the Coach name will later get him a job in purse design. Score! Plus with a name like Twizzler, he’s probably going to be really skinny and really good at yoga and light up when he dresses in all red.

Be sure to wish Kelcey the best and use the algorithm to leave your gift in the comments below!

Happy Baby, Kelcey!

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02 May
It’s My Party and No One Is Coming!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently bought my first house and my sister is throwing me a housewarming party to celebrate. I announced the date two months ago.  I invited about ten good friends plus their significant others. And a few co-workers. Most of them RSVP’ed but now almost everyone has canceled.

Out of 20+ people who had planned on coming, there is only going to be 4 people for sure. Even my best friend cancelled because her husband “was feeling eh about the 2 hr drive.” (Umm.. You can’t drive yourself?) It seems as though most people have made an excuse not to come even though my sister planned it two months in advance. I did move 2 hours away from some of my friends but I still make an effort to drive to see them. I should also mention that I bought my house in January and only a few friends have been over to see it.

My sister is expecting a food count of 20+ people and I had to inform her today (4 days before the party) that probably only 4 people are going to show up. I feel humiliated and pissed off! I thought I had better friends than this.

Signed,

Lois and Her Lame Friends

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Dear Lois,

Let’s see. If you have 20 friends who RSVP’d to a party planned 2 months in advance and only 4 are planning to show up but they have to drive 2 hours each way to get there, and you multiply by the square root of π, then how many friends will actually show up?

I think the answer might be 2. Or maybe the answer is – you need some perspective on this.

It doesn’t really matter how far in advance you plan a party, people will cancel. It’s the human nature of, “Oh my gosh, I’m so tired from work and my kids and getting to the gym and walking the dog and cleaning the bathroom and I just want to stay home and watch TV.” I have friends who don’t want to drive an extra 6 minutes to a dinner in the next town over. So it comes as no surprise that your friends don’t want to drive FOUR hours round trip for a housewarming party. That is a lot of driving.  And I’m guessing it has very little to do with their desire to see you.

You have to remember that you moved away and yes, I’m sure a couple close friends will come out to see you and your new house. I know you are disappointed but you really have to try to not take it personally that people aren’t going to be banging down your door to check out your new abode.

I would cancel the party and plan a brunch at the half way point between you and your friends. Your treat. You can show them lots of photos of your new place.  The important thing here is to stay connected to people who mean a lot to you.

Good Luck,

Kelcey

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10 Oct
I Wish This Was Just a Porn Problem

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I came home on Saturday night from a party to load photos onto the computer which my husband had been on earlier. Up flashed a nude and pornographic photo of an ex colleague of my husband’s who he worked with years ago. This woman caused issues for me at the time as she had a crush on my husband and would text him wanting to meet for coffee. He eventually told her to go away (using slightly different language). I was horrified about where he got the photo and why he had it.

He lied at first but finally admitted that he has had the photo for about 7 years and has masturbated to it. He had taken the photo from her computer when he went to fix it, so she knows nothing about it. The picture was obviously taken by her husband and was for their eyes only.

I know he looks at porn. What man doesn’t?  But this is much worse because I knew her.

I am really devastated and hurt. He was prepared to leave because of all the hurt he has caused me but that wouldn’t solve anything. We have been together 20 years and I feel that I don’t know him now.

Signed,

I Know That Nude Girl!

__________________________________________

Dear I Know That Nude Girl,

Whoa… that is a lot to take in. You know things have taken a bad turn when you’re wishing your husband was just a run of the mill porn addict.

We have a few issues going on here. First of all, your husband stole the photo. Second, he in all likelihood had feelings in the past for this former colleague. Because you don’t steal a naked photo of someone just for the hell of it. Or do you? My experience stealing naked photos is extremely limited.

You must be feeling very betrayed and I’m sure you’re quite angry. But you’ve been married to this guy for 20 years so I’m guessing there is a lot of good stuff in your marriage. And he didn’t cheat on you. At least not in the physical sense.

You guys really need to go talk to a couple’s therapist. Someone who can help you start building back the trust in your relationship. Because it will be very hard to do that on your own. A therapist will also help your husband come clean about what feelings he had or didn’t have about this co-worker.

And remember that photo was from 7 years ago. So no matter how hot she looks in that picture, I bet her boobs have dropped about 3 inches. So delete the photo and take the next steps towards saving your marriage.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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05 Jun
My Boss is Mean and Pays Me Nothing!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need help with our tyrant of a boss. He is an arrogant oppressor. He comes from a very wealthy family and has no clue what it takes to raise a family.  The company I work for is a large industrial facility so he makes a huge amount of profit (that is an assumption) but pays us very little.

During our last pay negotiations, he offered us a 20 cent raise and had the nerve to tell us that it was a generous offer and he was offended that we didn’t want to take it. Most of my co-workers and myself are highly skilled and trained in this field and we deserve more. Right now we are so far below the national average for this industry and it is discouraging. I am making 13 dollars an hour and trying to support a family on this (as are many of my co-workers).

Most of them are afraid to fight because they fear losing their jobs which would cause other hardships. Just the look on his smug little face makes me want to vomit. Oh, did I mention he is 27 years old and his grandma gave him this company as a toy and she is even worse than him?

How do I fix this?

Signed,

Horrible Bosses is Not Just a Movie

_______________________________________

Dear Horrible Bosses,

Boy do I know what you are going through! I have four tyrant bosses who yell at me all day and they don’t pay me one cent. Of course, if I get really annoyed with them, I can just put them in a time-out or leave them with a babysitter which is probably not an option for you.

Mean bosses suck. Seriously. It is very difficult to go work feeling undervalued everyday and desperately needing more money to support your family. And we are still in a very tough economy which doesn’t give you a lot of leverage when trying to negotiate with your 27-year-old smug face boss.

You and your co-workers could always try to unionize to give you some more bargaining power.  But that could involve some risk and it sounds like your fellow employees aren’t ready to walk any picket lines. But it’s certainly worth researching.

I would highly recommend you start looking for other places to work. Clean up that resume and start networking in your industry. It may take a while in this economy, but it can feel empowering to just start taking a few steps towards a better potential job. And look for a place when there is low turnover because that’s where you’ll find the happiest, most appreciated employees.

Of course, there is the slightest, tiniest chance your boss could change his tune. I mean, did you see “The Proposal?” Sandra Bullock is the big meanie boss and then she ends up totally nice and falling in love with her assistant Ryan Reynolds. But if your boss isn’t Sandra Bullock, I would totally start job hunting.

Good luck to you,

Kelcey, TMH

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24 May
Working 9 to 5 and Seeking Vegeance for My Hubby

I can’t believe it’s Thursday already, Mouthy Minions! It seems like just yesterday that I had locked myself in the closet with a stack of US Weeklys & Skittles, declaring to my husband and bewildered preschoolers that I was gonna ride this week out in the bunker. But Friday is nearly upon us, and so we’ve brought in one hilarious mother flubber, Jeni of Highly Irritable to coax us all into the weekend. Check out Jeni’s very funny blog to learn more about how she celebrated her Mother’s Day with a dead bird, and check her out on Twitter where she has us cracking up daily. (Such a showoff, this one is.) –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have worked for a company for 16 years. My husband had worked for the same company for the last 7 years. This company decided to move his job offshore, thereby making him unemployed. I still have to work with these people every day, including the person that made the final decision. I’m finding it very difficult not to get mouthy with these people and finding it difficult to care if things get done. Obviously, I can’t afford to also lose my job, so how can I get past this?

Signed,

Mad for Hubby

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Dear Mad for Hubby but Happy for Pay Check,

First, let me congratulate you for still being married after working with your spouse for seven years. I worked with my (now-ex) spouse once for about seven minutes before I ran screaming and threw myself at the closest divorce lawyer.

Losing your job sucks no matter the circumstances, and we here at “The Mouthy Housewives” can sympathize with your situation. Dinnertime conversation must be interesting and kind of exhausting what with thinking up new adjectives for all of your supervisors. But before you start publically addressing your bosses by their unflattering new nicknames, let’s examine for a moment the positives in this situation.

You say your husband’s job was moved offshore, and it appears that he didn’t go with it. Who really wants to go offshore anyway? NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS OFFSHORE. Think about it; there’s the offshore oil spill, the offshore banking scandal… No. Onshore is definitely the place to be. And hey! It’s where the sea shells are!

As for your difficulty maintaining a degree of professionalism in the office, please tread carefully. The Mouthy Housewives are all for getting mouthy when the occasion is appropriate, but this may not the time. Until your husband becomes re-employed (on the shore, please) you are the sole income earner in your household. A few choice words and a careless “reply all” on an email could put that in jeopardy. And in 16 years with this company, you’ve probably forged some decent relationships (and potential references) with these people. Eliminating someone’s position is never a fun job, and we’re sure it wasn’t the most enjoyable thing your supervisor did that week.

It does indeed suck that your husband was let go because his job was moved. But remember, things are great here at home in America right now! There’s the strong econom…err, the complete equality of wome…well, there’s…alright. Things aren’t great, and we hope your husband finds suitable employment soon. Until then, we suggest a smile in the office, and perhaps a lottery ticket or two on grocery day.

Best,

Jeni, Guest TMH

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