Cleanliness is Next to…Impossible
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
When your flip flop comes off of your foot because it stuck to the kitchen floor, does that mean it’s time to mop? Can you tell me any other signs that scream someone needs to clean house? Like when the dust bunnies race to the vacuum cleaner, did I wait too long between vacuuming? I’m afraid I’m not very good at this.
Signed,
Pig-Pen
______________________________
Dear Pig-Pen,
Your question is leaving me a little misty-eyed, thinking back upon my days in college. I was infamous for leaving my dishes in the sink until they bonded to the stainless steel in a blanket of mold and decay.
Sometimes, if I felt the need to enter the kitchen, I’d spray some ammonia in the sink to cancel out the stench. A week or so later, I’d cave and just throw the dishes in the garbage. Cleanliness and domesticity weren’t exactly a strong point, I’m afraid.
::huffs Windex::
Once I got married, however, and started introducing offspring to my toxic ecosystem, I realized I needed to get myself together. Overwhelmed, confused, and saddened by my incompetence, there was an especially dark moment when I considered buying a Martha Stewart book on how to clean your house.
::swigs Lysol::
But that was then, Pig-Pen, and this is now. Since my BC (Before Clorox) days, I’ve learned a few things about keeping my home sanitary, and I’m more than happy to share them with you here. So, keep in mind that it’s time to clean when you encounter the following:
1. Your children start naming the houseflies, field mice, and cockroaches.
2. There’s a ring around the bathtub. And the floorboards. And your boyfriend’s collar.
3. You’re considering calling your homeowner’s insurance and claiming a total loss due to “natural disaster”.
4. You start treating your bathroom like a public restroom, complete with squatting, hovering, and that thing where you use a paper towel to open the door.
5. Visitors think you’re jumping on the eco-friendly-home bandwagon with what appears to be a dirt floor.
6. If you’ve emptied your Fantastik bottle and replaced it with acetone before cleaning the countertops.
7. When you find the children/spouses/housemates/guests under the kitchen table declaring, “Snack time!”
8. Going camping in the mountains for some “fresh air” is more of a medical necessity than leisurely activity.
9. You find yourself kicking the laundry pile toward the washing machine because you don’t want to aggravate a previous back injury from that time you actually lifted the basket.
10. Have you seen that movie Pink Flamingos? (Yeah, me neither.) If you watch it and ever sigh with recognition…well…skip the cleaning and just move to another house, sister.
::powders face with Comet::
Now, I know this is a lot to take in, and I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. It’s taken me years to get to a place where my husband has stopped suggesting we apply for a spot on Hoarders. That said, if this all sounds like too much work, you could always just remodel your home with black paint, carpet, appliances, and furniture. Dark hides the dirt really well. Trust.
::dabs Pine Sol behind ears::
Godspeed,
Kristine, TMH
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How to Have Garage Sale Success Without Losing Your Mind
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just did some Spring cleaning and cleared out a lot of our closets. Now we have tons of crap we don’t want and I’d like to just donate it to Goodwill. However, my husband thinks we should have a garage sale. I think that’s too much work, even though I know we’ll make some money. Any ideas for making it go easier?
Signed,
Garage Girl?
__________________
Dear Garage Girl,
First of all, congratulations on the crap clean-out! That’s a huge accomplishment and I plan on doing the same thing in my house just as soon as the producers from Hoarders show up at my front door with HazMat suits and a court order. (What? I’m totally going to use all of these empty margarine tubs and ferret carcasses some day. I swear I am.)
But seriously, like everyone else in the suburbs, I’ve had my share of garage sales over the years. (And on a serious note, please remember: if it’s in a yard, it’s a “yard sale,” if it’s in the garage, it’s a “garage sale” and if it’s just shit thrown all over the street, it’s a “my f*&#ing husband cheated on me with his yoga instructor, so here are all of his $1,000 suits for free” sale. Plan your signage accordingly.)
Now, let’s get back to you selling off your treasured possessions to losers for pennies! So fun! Here are a few Mouthy Housewife tips to start you off:
1. Organize your items by type, so you have different “departments.” My departments usually include “Mismatched Socks,” “Broken Toys,” “Items I Destroyed While Cooking” and “Lube.”
2. Place price tags on each item the night beforehand. Then you’ll have plenty of time to enjoy the hours of delightful negotiation with senior citizens over a $.75 half-empty bottle of Clamato the day of the sale. It’s just like The Price is Right, but a million times worse!
3. Be sure you have a safe place to keep your money, and fill it up with change so you’ll be ready for all of your cash transactions. (Hint: To really screw with your customers, use either Canadian or Monopoly money. They’ll never know.)
4. Remember, Craig’s List isn’t just for low-rent hookers and murderers, so use it to advertise your sale. And then maybe a low-rent hooker and murderer will see your ad and swing by your house to pick up some used lingerie. Hello, new friends!
5. One of the biggest problems with garage sales is the dreaded “Early Bird.” These are the freaks who show up at 7am, hoping to get the best deals. But if you want them to go away until the sale starts, simply do what I do: Turn on the sprinklers and blast “Hey, Soul Sister.”
6. And my most important tip for a successful garage sale, have fun. And by “have fun,” I of course mean “drink like a fish who’s just seen a pack of weirdos rifle through her old workout clothes and sports bras.” L’Chaim!
So, good luck, my friend. I hope your day goes well and I hope you spend all of your profits wisely. Maybe even at Goodwill, where I just dropped off a box of lube. (Hurry!)
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Smelly Cats!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend’s apartment reeks of cats. She only has two, but the smell is overwhelming. She takes pride in her apartment, and I know she will be mortified if I tell her. Should I?
Signed,
Oxygen, Please
___________________________
Dear Oxygen Fan,
Yes, you should tell her. People who own cats often lose the ability to smell the cats, much like people who own small children often lose the ability to tell that their shrieking is annoying everyone within hearing distance. I believe that this is what Darwin meant by The Survival of the Fittest.
Probably. I’m a Creationist.
And I recommend that you let your friend know that the cats are doing a lot of creating in the litter box and she’ll need to change it more frequently.
If you don’t feel comfortable just coming out and saying, “Listen, this is awkward for me to say, but your litter box is giving off an unpleasant odor. I know you’d rather hear it from me than have someone less close to you mention it. And please tell me if I ever get that old lady smell, ok?” you have some choices.
1. Acting. Upon entering her apartment, grab your chest and exclaim, “Oh my goodness! Is the whole cast of CATS here?!”
2. Arts & Crafts. Get the Sunday Times and write a ransom-type note, with the cut-out letters spelling out PLEASE CHANGE THE LITTER BOX MORE FREQUENTLY. Leave it on her pillow.
3. Game Night. Suggest you play a game of telling each other what bothers you most about the other. Possible side effect: Friendship may end when she tells you she hates how passive-aggressive you are.
4. Ventriloquism. While one of her cats is perched on your lap, have him say “Change my litter box, mommy! I love you!” This is best done while you’re drinking a glass of water.
Or, you could just tell her.
Much like you would if she had lipstick on her teeth or a camel toe.
It’s the right thing to do.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Sock it to Me, You Lazy Bastard
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a great husband, but it seems that because I have a vagina, I’m required by nature to pick up after him—even if I also work full time. Recently, I chose to protest my disgust for him taking off his nasty socks and leaving them on the living room floor by not touching them and guess what? Two days later they’re still there in a pile while the rest of the house smells nice and fresh.
I shouldn’t back down on this one, right? I mean, they can pile up for all I care. Or am I going too far?
Signed,
Tired of Being a Sock Puppet
____________________
Dear Tired of Being a Sock Puppet,
FADE IN:
INT. WINDSOR CASTLE, THE YEAR 2015
We open on PRINCE WILLIAM and PRINCESS CATHERINE sipping tea in the castle’s opulent drawing room. The couple is dressed in gorgeous, impeccable clothing. Birds sweetly chirp outside as sunlight streams through the sparkling windows. It is a moment of utter refinement and class. Suddenly, Prince William turns his head and notices a huge pile of cashmere socks in the corner. He wrinkles his perfect nose in disgust and turns lovingly to his betrothed.
PRINCE WILLIAM
Why, whatever is that vile smell in the air, darling?PRINCESS CATHERINE
It’s your motherf*&#ing bloody socks, you stupid wanker.
Now pick ‘em up or I’ll bludgeon you with my shiny crown. Dumbass.
FADE OUT.
The point of that lovely piece of writing is that…okay, there is no point to that lovely piece of writing, I just might have ROYAL WEDDING FEVER!!!! OMG, I BOUGHT A $89 COMMEMORATIVE ASHTRAY OF KATE’S FACE!!! AND A $200 ROYAL WEDDING COFFEE MUG!!! AND I’M EATING BANGERS AND MASH!!!! BLOODY HELL, PEOPLE, I NEED A TRANQUILIZER!!! WHEEEE!!!!!
Anyway, assuming that your husband has all his faculties and is not a high-functioning chimp, he can pick up his own damn socks. Just remain strong and let the stink pile stay on the living room floor until he finally mans up and puts them in the laundry himself. (In psychiatry terms, this is referred to as “a pissing contest.”)
I know it’s no fun, but I urge you to stick to your guns. Because while you married him in sickness and in health, you definitely didn’t marry him to be his mother. Even a princess knows that.
(I JUST BOUGHT A $562 PRINCE WILLIAM GOLF CLUB!!!)
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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My Cleaning Lady is Stealing My Detergent!
Well it’s Thursday and GMHD (that’s Guest Mouthy Housewife Day, for those of you who are not fluent in slacking.) Today, we’re lucky to have Kristine from Wait in the Van (my favorite new humor find) giving advice, and believe me, she doesn’t water things down. And this is a great time to let you know to take the advice like you take your margarita– with many grains of salts.
Thanks, Kristine. -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need an urgent answer please. My cleaning lady steals detergent and adds water to fill the bottle. How can I catch her and prove this to her? She is a very good cleaner I also don’t want to lost her. Do you have an advice?
Signed,
At Least Turn The Water Into Wine
________________________________________
Dear At Least,
Hoo-boy! Isn’t this a pickle! (But, let me get something straight, because I’m working with the understanding that the cleaning lady is SUPPOSED to use your detergent.) Are we assuming that she’s also taking some for herself and diluting the rest? And you’re discovering this when you go to use the detergent yourself? The very detergent that you’re paying SOMEONE ELSE to use for you?
I think the short answer is this: stop micromanaging! I mean, this is the cleaning lady’s territory, right? Maybe the detergent you’ve purchased is too strong. Or maybe she’s doing it for the sake of the environment. Or…or…or, maybe she’s trying to save you money so that you can afford to give her a better rate!
Of course, she might be just stealing it because she needs some. Which, makes me fell bad for her, really, because how ironic is THAT lifestyle? Cleaning the homes of other people, only to be stuck without the means to get detergent to clean your own home!?
::sob::
But I digress. If you’re looking to actually penalize this woman for something that seems relatively harmless, sad, and heartbreaking, I think what you need to do is pull a classic switcheroo. (You may have also heard it referred to as “the old switcheroo.”) Anyhow. What you should do is fill your water bottles with detergent. Eh? Eh? THIS WAY, when she goes to get a drink after scrubbing your house down for you, she’ll be all What the…THIS ISN’T WATER! And maybe even, I THINK MY THROAT IS CLOSING UP! If that doesn’t give her the hint, I’m not sure what will.
Good luck and godspeed, my friend! (You have a good lawyer, right?),
Kristine, Guest TMH
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