06 Jun
Mouthing Off: Working Moms Deemed Root Cause for All of Society’s Ills

A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.

The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.

But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.

And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.

But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:

1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!

2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.

3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)

4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.

5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?

6. Terrorists!  Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes. 

7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.

8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)

We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?

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29 Apr
I Feel Great! Except I’m Bored, Unhappy and Sick of My Life

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I live with my boyfriend, work for my boyfriend’s company which is run out of our house, and I am so sick of my life. I feel so bored, and unhappy with myself. What do I do?

Signed,

If You Can Die of Boredom, My Life is in Danger

______________________________

Dear If You Can Die of Boredom,

Just reading your question made me sick of your boyfriend and I’ve never even met the guy. He’s probably a charming chap. But seriously, when do you get a break from him? You work together all day, you probably hang out together at night and then you sleep in the same bed. Ugh. When do you get a chance to miss him?

So first off, you’ve got to get some breathing space. It’s like you’re a hostage for gosh sakes and there aren’t a lot of happy hostages. Go find a hobby, get drinks with some girlfriends or start exercising. Then you can delight your boyfriend with some funny stories about your time away – like how someone got kicked out of your yoga class for farting too much.  That is the kind of priceless shit that keeps a relationship alive.

Second, what do you want to do with your life? I’m getting the feeling that whatever you do for your boyfriend job-wise is not your passion. What are your dreams? Once you figure that out, you can get started on your next moves… whether that means looking for a new job, going back to school or whatever. Even taking a few steps in that direction will make you feel so much better. And don’t let your boyfriend guilt you into working for him forever. If he’s the real deal, he will want you to fulfill your own dreams, not his.

We all go through phases of unhappiness where we don’t feel quite satisfied.  This is normal. But you can either choose to be unhappy or take charge and change your life. And this is the time to do it because once you are married, with 4 kids and a mortgage, it’s much harder to make epic changes to your life. (Trust me on this.) So stop reading and go seize the day!

Good Luck,

Kelcey, TMH

 

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07 Feb
School or Work?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

This probably isn’t one of your usual questions you get asked, as it has nothing to do with sex, but I wanted some opinion from outside the realm of people I know personally.

I’ve been in childcare for well over a year now, and I’m job hunting for a better job – currently I am a sitter – but I want something more full time and a job where I don’t have to worry about paying back a ton of taxes (as I recieve a 1099) either at a daycare or being a nanny filling out a w4.

I have the chance to be a nanny full time in August but I’m unsure if I should take it because I’m also in college trying to aquire my Associate’s degree in early childhood education. I want to be a nanny but I also would love to have my AA.

I know, odd dilema, right? I will be almost done with my classes before next August, but I have to do 10 credits of Student Internship at a teaching facility (school, daycare, etc) and I’m pretty sure being someone’s personal nanny at their private residence doesn’t count.

I’ve applied to various daycares around Seattle/Lynnwood and haven’t heard much back, so I’m concerned if I should put my AA on hold or not.

Signed,

To Finish AA or Not

________________________________________________________________________

Dear AA-Bound, Possibly,

First of all, congratulations on taking that first important step and admitting you have a problem. Alcoholism is a serious disease and I’m heartened to know that you are addressing the situation through the assistance and support of Alcoholics Anon- What? Hold on.

AA stands for Associate’s Degree? Shouldn’t that be AD?! This is exactly what’s wrong with kids today. And letters today. Oh, I see. It’s an Associate’s in Arts. Got it. We will now proceed with the advice-dispensing. I’ll wait until you get a pen and paper to take notes.

Personally, I’m of the school that believes education is always a great thing, and if you are on track to receive a degree, and have an opportunity to do so, grab it! Of course I’m also of the school that believes that on-the-job experience is crucial, and no one should give it up without careful consideration. As you can see, I am enrolled in two schools, probably incurring student loans in each. Send cash.

There are several questions you need to ask yourself: How much is the time commitment to the August job? How secure is the position? Is it possible to have the job and do an internship at the teaching facility as well?

I know I’m suggesting a heavy workload, but please consider the possibility. Your new employer may be very happy that you will be getting hands on experience at a teaching facility (after all, taking care of children is an art form) and if there is flexibility with your working hours, perhaps you can do both. Or maybe it’s possible to extend the time that it takes you to do the internship and do fewer hours over more semesters.

However, if it is a true one or the other situation, I recommend getting the Associate’s out of the way. Then you will have the degree for life, and the invaluable experience and contacts that comes with the internship.

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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19 Jun
Dr. Love, PhD

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a Master’s student dating a guy local to my University, and applying for PhD funding. I have been offered a non-funded PhD at my current University, and I am on a list for a potential $7,500 per year funded PhD and another list for a potential $9,000 a year PhD with an obligation to teach 100 hours a month and a potential $13,500 per year PhD with a guaranteed lecturing job at the end at a more prestigious University 5 hours away. And I’m more likely to get this last one than any of the options available at my current University.

The problem is, according to my boyfriend, long distance doesn’t work. I feel as if I’m being dumped. I haven’t gotten any of the potential funded-places yet, so I could be offered all or nothing. However if I don’t get any offers, the chances of me finding work in this area are slim, so I’ll have to go wherever I can find work, or even back home (6 hours away) with my tail between my legs. The possibility of me being here come October is negligible, so now that I know his feelings on this I’m pre-heartbroken.

I love him, and he was the first of us to use the L word and he continues to tell me that he loves me, but the fact that he’s not willing to attempt a long-distance relationship is making me question this. Is it wrong to be considering ending my relationship at this point when there is still a chance that I could be here next year? Or am I showing a complete lack of self-respect by staying with someone who has a condition on our relationship?

Yours,
PhDevastated

___________________________________

Dear PhDevastated,

Holy cow, smartypants! Way to be super intelligent and driven and confident and capable and successful! In your academics, that is! Not so much in your love life!

I may be in the minority here, but I think the answer is pretty clear: it’s time to send your boyfriend to Dumpsville: Population 1. Any person you date should love you unconditionally, and be especially supportive of you reaching for your dreams. And if he isn’t capable, then you need to find someone who is.

Now, this is not to say that the guy is a jerk. Some people are just…what’s the word…losers? Er, no….uncultured? Eh…homebodies? Whichever. The point is that he just doesn’t seem to be wired to be your soulmate. Could you make it work? Maybe. Should you, and jeopardize your promising future? I don’t think so. As for the logistics of the dumping process, I don’t think you need to drop him like that hit-of-acid-you-never-took-because-you’re-such-a-good-student. Just have a serious conversation about your concerns, and hopefully you can resolve things and fake-promise to remain friends. It will hurt, and you will be sad, but this is just going to be one of those really meaningful relationships that taught you a lesson based on its failure rather that its success.

Here’s to your so-bright-you-gotta-wear-shades future!

Kristine, TMH

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11 Jun
How to Succeed in Advertising: Ask the Mouthy Housewives to Write Your Ad

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a college advertising student and we were given a project based on choosing a mass production product and creating an ad. I chose Betty Crocker and the theme of the photos I have taken is an old, yet sinister woman, sitting in her grandmother chair with the secret recipe in her hand. In the photo, she is hiding the recipe in a cookie jar.

I need a catch phrase to write at the bottom of the page, something like “Betty Crocker’s secret recipe,” but of course a bit more witty. HELP ME PLEASE!

Regards,

Kill Me, My Project’s Due Tomorrow

_________________________________

Dear Kill Me,

Boy, have you ever come to the right place for advice! Not too many people know this, but I used to be a major playa in the ol’ ad game myself. Only then I got secretly pregnant by Pete Campbell and had to give my baby away. Or was Roger Sterling the baby daddy that time? Honestly, it’s so hard to remember which co-worker has impregnated you when you’re drunk on Scotch and trying to come up with a sexy pitch for hand lotion—am I right ladies? Up high!

Anyway, asking some random website humps to come up with the slogan for your advertising assignment instead of doing it yourself tells me one important thing about you: You’ll be running your own agency in less than five years, baby! Ka-ching a ding a ding!

However. While the former copywriter in me admires your out-of-the-box thinking, the mother in me isn’t too kosher with you not doing the assignment yourself.  So the ethical thing to do here is to not tell you an awesome headline would be “You Don’t Need To Know The Recipe To Know It’s Delicious” or “Selfish Bitches Make The Best Bakers,” but tell you to that you’re never going to learn how to create an ad unless you hopelessly slave away for hours and hours full of self-loathing, pizza and off-brand gin. It’s the Madison Avenue way.

So my advice to you is to grab a notebook and just write down as many lines and words about Betty Crocker as you can. Free form it. What you write doesn’t have to be good or perfect or even literate, but the more you spew, the better the chances are that a good line will take shape. Maybe even find a friend or two and bounce ideas off of them. When I was a copywriter and stuck on something, I’d just forget about it, stick it in my subconscious and take a walk. (Or see a movie during working hours.) Then before I knew it, a genius line would pop right into my head. The grocery store poster of strawberries with the headline “Shortcake Been Berry Berry Good to Me”? Happened right after a 1 p.m. showing of Muriel’s Wedding, my friend.

I know it seems tough, but I’m certain you can nail this. Because anyone with balls enough to ask The Mouthy Housewives to help them with their school assignment is obviously destined for success.

Or jail. But let’s hope for success.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

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