Mouthing Off: Do My Bones Make Me Look Fat In These Jeans?
It’s become increasingly clear that Kate Middleton and her sister, she of the distinguished derriere, must have some knowledge crucial to a superpower’s security because they have obviously been given what in some circles is termed “torture-lite.” This is a practice whereby the victim is literally starved for information. Both women have become, simultaneously, über-thin and, strangely, powerful role models for young girls. Their gaunt frames are paraded on websites dedicated to pro-anorexia and severe dieting as the epitome of what a woman should strive to look like.
We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?
Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.” Or that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):
- When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball. It makes them go away.
- Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.
- Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.
Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional. I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!
We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense. Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.
So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.
Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal. That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.
If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!
___________________________
Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post. Check out their Social Twist promotion where you will have the opportunity to download a Hillshire Farm coupon for 55 cents. Or share the link socially and get a higher value coupon.
8 Comments <-- Click to comment
Are You Surprised Or Did You Get Your Brows Waxed?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been married for twelve wonderful years. Until this year, when my husband decided a few months ago to get his eyebrows waxed into thin little things that I find completely repulsive. It’s just so effeminate and eww.
I know that the trend is for men to get beauty treatments and be all metrosexual, but that’s not what I looked for in a life partner.
I told him that it’s a real turn off and he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. The big deal is that it’s a turn-off. He has done it twice so far and OMFG, what if he keeps doing it?
Any tips on how to get him to knock it off?
Signed,
Unibrow Fan
______________________________________
Dear Unibrow Fan,
It’s always fun to see how the whole What’s Good For The Gander Is Good For the Goose thing plays out in real life, isn’t it?
After years of watching you go through tweezings, bleachings, waxings and Botoxing (I’m just guessing here) the poor guy wanted to give it a shot and this is the thanks that he gets? Hmph. How would you feel if it turned him off that you vote in the primaries because he considers the right to vote masculine?
This is the thin line that you’re walking, lady. And it’s way thinner than your husband’s new eyebrows.
So if you have a solid marriage and you already told him that you don’t love the new look, drop it. Part of marriage is supporting each other’s choices. And you will need his support when you opt for the fashion trends that are predicted for this summer (bell bottom jeans, help us all.)
I have three suggestions, presented in no particular order, but with 1 being the best and 3 being the worst.
1. Let it go. They’re his eyebrows.
2. Avert your eyes whenever speaking to him and keep them tightly shut during intimate moments. (Them = eyes; Intimate moments = sex).
3. Withhold sex until his eyebrows grow out. The longer, the better.
Good luck with your decision,
Marinka, TMH
_____________________
Today’s the last day to enter our great giveaway for Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s great new book! Just leave a comment!
15 Comments <-- Click to comment
Mouthing Off: Girls Can Be Pretty And Good At Math
Dear Parents of Girls,
Please don’t be upset that your daughters are trailing the boys in their math class. If they’re pretty, they don’t need to worry about it!
Because it seems that pretty kills brain cells.
At least according to this magnet that was, until recently, sold at Forever 21.
By the way, who knew that Forever 21 sold magnets?!
And where are the “I’m too much of a jock to know how to read” magnets?
Surely they’ll fly off the shelves. Especially if they’re illustrated so that the illiterate can understand them.
Hey, we know! How about we come up with other instant best-seller magnet ideas?
“I’m too hot to pay taxes!”
“Too adorable to make dinner!”
“Too disgusted by our daughters being subjected to sexist slogans to buy your crap!”
We think we’d sell a ton.
special thanks to Glamamom for tweeting about this.
14 Comments <-- Click to comment
Should I Get a Boob Job? Or a New Husband?
It’s Guest Post Friday! On Thursday! OMG, we’re so confused! Today we’re joined by the super funny Bejewell from The Bean, who is also one of my Austin blogger friends because she once bought me a hamburger. Beej is one hilarious mamma jamma who guested for us once before and gave great Facebook/marriage advice. We’re thrilled to have her & her kick ass advice back here today. Thank you, Mizzus Bejewell! Mwah! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband keeps hinting that I should get a boob job since I’m no longer nursing or having any more babies. (I’m a B cup.) I’m not sure if I want to do this or not, but I also want to keep him interested and hot for me. What should I do?
Signed,
Flat Franny
_______________________________
Dear Flat Franny,
Okay, let me get this straight. You want to know if you should spend thousands of dollars to undergo major surgery so your already-normal-sized breasts can be artificially enlarged by the implantation into your body of foreign objects (or, as I like to call them, “bags of goo”), which are likely to either rupture, leak, cause breast pain, back pain and/or a host of other health complications, all so you can keep your husband – WHO IS MARRIED TO YOU FOR BETTER OR WORSE – interested in sex?
Really?
Listen, hon. I don’t know your husband or how serious these “hints” of his are, but if he requires larger breasts as a condition of staying “hot” for you, he’s a total asshat.
I’m not saying that NO ONE should have breast implants – in some cases they’re a lovely option, especially for women like my friend Paula who lost both of hers to cancer and had reconstructive surgery. But if you have even a shred of doubt that this surgery is right for you, you should tell your husband (and anyone else who suggests you need bigger boobs to be sexy) to suck it.
If the husband’s insinuations persist, perhaps you should drop a few hints of your own. Open your computer’s web browser to before/after photos of Tara Reid, Janet Jackson or Viveca Fox, and “accidentally” leave it open so the next time he sits down to check his bank balance he gets a nice big eyeful of weird, dented, fake celebrity boobs instead. Maybe it won’t seem like such a big turn-on then.
Or change the subject to something the hubs might really want but can’t afford. A home theater? A pretty new mid-life-crisis Corvette? College accounts for the kids? A healthy retirement plan? Any or all of those things would be a lot easier to afford without sinking thousands into your cup size — no? Hey! Better yet, cruise on over to one of those penis enlargement sites and sign him on up. After all, you’re not the only one in this relationship who can make a few adjustments!
Bottom line: If you don’t think there’s anything wrong with your body, there’s not. And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
Hugs, kisses and nipple twists –
Beej, Guest TMH
36 Comments <-- Click to comment
Legally Gray
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 29 years old and beginning to find gray hairs in my curly, brunette locks. I love the natural color of my hair and don’t really want the expense or upkeep of dyed hair. On the other hand, I don’t want to be *that* girl who everyone thinks needs needs to get to know Miss Clairol.
I know this decision is inevitable unless I want to have a white head of hair at age 40 (thank you, genetics!) How do I decide when to take the plunge?
Signed,
Gray Matters
_____________________
Dear Gray Matters,
I’m sorry, but after I saw the word “brunette,” I stopped reading your letter because I’m just not that interested in the troubles and travails of you people. Seriously, do you know how much harder life is when you’re blonde like me, Kelcey and Marinka? We’re constantly being invited to tractor pulls, beach blanket romps and masked costume balls with creepy, old rich guys who smell like knockwurst and like to caress our silky locks while they think of the Swedish angels they’ll soon meet in the afterlife. Sigh.
It’s not easy being a gorgeous, shimmery blonde.
In fact, if we didn’t have brown-haired Heather around to do all of the TMH grunt work, we’d probably all have to go back to bikini modeling in Reykjavik. And then who’d solve the world’s Facebook/In-Law problems, I ask you? Dr. Joyce freakin’ Brothers?
But while I may have ethereal, flaxen-colored hair that is the envy of all 50 states and Puerto Rico, I am not without heart. So that’s why I let Heather come out of the Sober Valley Lodge basement for a few minutes to answer your question. Here’s what she had to say:
“I follow the advice of my hairdresser. Black hair is the WORST to try to color, so we’re holding off on doing something as long as we can. When she tells me, “Girl, it’s time,” then I’ll decide when to take the plunge. Until then, the biggest color decision I’m going to make is between a red or white wine. But if this letter writer is just a regular brunette and she’s wringing her hands over it? Oh geesh, do it as soon as they become too many to pluck and hide. Brown hair is so easy to color.”
See? There you go! Dye away, baby! (But talk to your hairdresser before you mess around with any of that drugstore crap or you may end up looking like “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” or a drunk televangelist.) (Or maybe that’s the same person—which one talks to Jesus on the iPad again?)
Anyway, I hope that answers your question, Miss Brownie, because we all want you to have lots and lots of good hair days in your future. And now if you’ll excuse me, I must bid you adieu. Hef’s waiting for Kelcey, Marinka and me at the The Grotto and it always takes Heather a long time to get us there in her pedicab.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
RSS Feed
