Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Are there any Halloween costumes for women that aren’t “slutty?” I’m a married woman in my 40’s and want something fun, but not sleazy. Help!
No Fishnets Please
Dear No Fishnets Please,
You’re a married woman in your 40’s who doesn’t want to look slutty? Then obviously you don’t live on my street, baby, BOOM! In your face, moms with cleavage! You’re not so hot, you Bunco losers!
Anyway, you came to the right person with this question because I’m known for dressing in TOTALLY unsexy Halloween costumes. Like the time in college I went as “a Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 20’s I went as “an older Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 30’s when I went as…well, you get the idea. Let’s just say that Mrs. Aarons used to own a few tie-dye and hemp shirts.
But fear not, my little prude, because I have many other ideas for you! In fact, there’s a whole world of costumes out there besides Skanky Kitty. Like this one:
Photo via Crushable.com
Can you feel that steam heat? Simply put on a bowling shirt, a newsboy cap, a neck pillow and a wrist brace and suddenly you’re Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids! Hilarious, right? (Just don’t poop in the sink because that’s what we in the image consulting business call “overkill.”)
Or how about this unsexy costume?
Yeah, that’s right: a Wal-Mart Greeter! Except you wouldn’t be an old white guy with a $5 haircut. Just slap on a blue polyester vest, some stupid propaganda buttons and yell, “Good mornin’!” to everyone you see and you’ll be the hit of the party! Trust me, your weird neighbor Gary won’t even think you’re hot. Especially if you take the extra step of smelling like day-old bread and Gold Bond Powder. Gross!
(Also, it should be noted that when I Googled “Wal-Mart employee image,” 99% of the results were mug shots. All I’m saying is that that shit don’t happen at Target.)
Speaking of shit, here’s a costume I found at SpicyLegs.com, whose slogan is “Sexy Made Easy.” Yes, right next to Sexy Marge Simpson was this baby:
Get it? “Holy Shit.” It’s a piece of…with angel…and a crossssss….anyway, it’s not slutty, so you’ll definitely have your modesty in this costume. What you won’t have is friends, dignity, class or wit, but life is all about the give and take, my man. So hold your head high while everyone else is holding their noses.
If none of those work, just let me know. I have a few hemp skirts I can send you.
Today I’m thrilled to welcome Peyton Price as our guest poster! Peyton is the author of the hilarious and touching Suburban Haiku book series where she gives readers a taste of her life in the suburbs in haiku form. (Not an easy thing to do, that.) There have been many, many times I thought she was standing over my shoulder at a soccer game because I relate to 99% of what she writes. Peyton is observant, funny and an all-around great gal and her advice today is spot on. Find her on her blog Suburban Haiku and on Twitter as @suburbanhaiku. Thank you, Peyton! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
As a middle-age mom of two, I’m writing to ask if there is a certain age when a woman shouldn’t wear skinny jeans. I mean, if you still have the figure at 40 to wear them, is it ok? Do skinny jeans and driving a minivan full of kids go together? Or is that a paradox that would cause a galactic implosion? I want to wear the new style, but I’m worried I’ll look like a mom who’s trying too hard to forget her age and laugh lines. Advice?
Skinny Jeans Here I Come…Or Not
I am so glad that the Mouthy Housewives sent me your question because (1) I spent the better part of last Saturday trying on jeans and completely empathize with your dilemma and (2) I am a bossy busybody.
It’s tough out there for a fashionable 40ish mom. Your instinct to keep up with the times is a good one. Nothing says “I give up” like locking into a trend that’s come and gone. I’m looking at you, moms with fanny packs and scrunchies. You know what Heidi says—In fashion, you’re either een, or you’re aut. When it comes to skinny jeans you can count yourself een.
But here’s the skinny: You have find the right pair. Don’t worry. I’m here to help you with a simple set of rules and a few insider tips on age appropriate shopping.
Rules: Your skinnies must fit. If your jeans are so tight that people walking behind you can make out your varicose veins, find another pair. Avoid muffin top, whale tail, plumber’s crack, camel toe—anything with a nickname is a no-no. To check the fit, move around in the dressing room: Can you sit down? Bend over? Climb into the minivan? Kick a pair of dirty socks down the stairs without spilling hot coffee on the baby? If your answer to all these questions is yes, I really need to get one of those jobs behind the 2-way mirror.
Age Appropriate Shopping Tips: Do not shop in Juniors. That’s just embarrassing for everyone involved. (Why is the music so so LOUD?) It might be tempting to go ahead and try something on when you’re there shopping with your daughter anyway, but believe me, no one wants to see Mom hogging the three-way mirror and asking “Can I pull this off?” (Skinny jeans are literally hard to pull off—on account of the feet getting stuck.) Just say no to butt Beadazzling, pink sparkles, butterflies, and any embellishment with a face, no matter how totes adorbs that Hello Kitty is.
Instead, take the escalator up to the mom department, where the skinnies are cut high enough that you won’t have to debate whether to go tucked or untucked (tummy-wise, not shirt-wise). Look for skinnies with a little Spandex to flatter your best assets (pun intended, get it?). If you find yourself in the hosiery department eying those pajama jean legging things, turn back, you’ve gone too far.
Speaking as a fitting room survivor, I know you can find the perfect pair. Go forth and rock the look, Mama. Let’s celebrate our fashion savvy with a haiku:
Check out the rear view.
If you start feeling cheeky
give a smack: “Good job!”
Yours in fashion,
Peyton Price, Guest TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m in a rut. Should I dye my hair red?
Dear Future Lucy,
Listen, the short answer here is YES, of course! Dye your hair for Pete’s sake! Get a tattoo! Buy that sports car! Go on that vacation! Tell your mother-in-law how you REALLY feel about her casserole! YOLO, amirite?!
The longer answer, however, is full of caveats concerning your natural hair tone, your history with making poor decisions, and the current status of your marital relationship.
Confused? Let me give you an example. It was a few years ago right around the holidays, and in the midst of updating my Christmas Card spreadsheet, I decided to dye my hair. No big deal, right? WELL. The problem is that I did it myself–completely on a whim–and totally messed it up, had to go to an expensive hairdresser to correct it, and ended up looking something like Rainbow Brite by the time all was said and done. I wasn’t necessarily drawn out of my rut as much as I had burrowed myself more deeply within it. I then spent half my annual grocery budget on retail therapy, deep conditioning treatments, and baseball caps.
So think about why you’re in that rut before you try to bandage it with Ogilvie. The fact that you’re asking others about such a thing suggests you aren’t even sure what you want yourself, and that’s what really matters. The more self-aware you are of your basic emotional wants and needs, the less likely you are to end up looking like an 80s-era cartoon character on your annual holiday photo card.
At the very least, have a trusted hairdresser on speed dial.
Have a question for The Mouthy Housewives? Visit our ASK page to submit your anonymous question today!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend does Botox and fillers which I have no problem with at all. But every time someone compliments her on how great she looks (which she does!), she claims that she hasn’t done any of that stuff. She also lies about her boob job. I want to tell our mutual friends the truth but she has sworn me to secrecy. Do I have to keep this secret?!
Her Boobs are as Real as Pamela Anderson’s
Dear Her Boobs are as Real as Pamela Anderson’s,
I’m seething with jealousy because I have my own future Botox fund but it keeps getting depleted for emergencies like 7-Eleven watermelon lime Slurpee runs. But I do have dreams of a forehead so smooth and frozen, it won’t budge in a category 5 hurricane.
It sounds like your friend is comfortable sharing with you all her adventures in Botox and plastic surgery but not anyone else. I can imagine this could put you in an awkward position if one of your friends demands to know how it is possible that her face hasn’t changed since the Clinton administration.
But I think you have to keep mum. It’s just not your place to divulge her beauty secrets. Practice saying things like, “I don’t know how she looks so good but that must be some facial creme!” Or “I heard she even wears sunblock when she sleeps!”
Hopefully, your friend will eventually realize that she should just be honest with her close friends. Because really, what’s the point of a boob job if you can’t brag to your friends that you got it for half price on Groupon!
Do you have young kids and live in New York City?! The Mouthy Housewives are giving away a free fall class at the super fun New York Kids Club! Wendi tried to enroll herself but apparently you have to be a toddler or something.
You’ll get to choose from Musical Tots, Infant Milestones and Cuentos Musica y Arte. It’s a $725 value. (Everyone who doesn’t live in NYC now can’t believe a fall class costs $725.)
To enter, leave a comment and mention New York Kids Club. You must also like The Mouthy Housewives on Facebook.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
So I’m a little late on this, considering my son is already 5 years old, but it’s bothered me greatly and until now have simply accepted it. My question is this: is there ANY hope for flattening the disgusting “hangover” skin over a c section scar? I know the muscles have been disfigured permanently but isn’t there something you can do to shape them?
I am not overweight and am a healthy eater, so I’m basically skinny until ……dun dun dunnn…..”the pouch.” It’s embarrassing, especially in a dress that outlines every curve. Help!
You know, when you’re pregnant they really make a big deal about this “pain of childbirth” business, but where is the mention of “emotional trauma from permanent disfigurement to areas other than your labia”? I MEAN REALLY. It seems just as important as proper nipple latching.
I don’t think I have the answer you are looking for, unfortunately. Because the basic truth here is that your stomach will never look the way it did pre-pregnancy. No, I’m serious. NEVER AGAIN FOREVER AMEN. Of course, you’re not alone in this. I was spared the phenomenon of stretch marks and kangaroo pouches myself, but my breasts are scarred and the place where I used to have a bellybutton ring looks like a puncture wound. And I’ll spare you a description of my saddle bags.
(We all have our crosses to bear.)
But if the misery-loves-company technique isn’t helping you, then I think you can do one of two things. The first is surgery, but it’s not something I would recommend. Not only is it ungodly expensive, but there’s always the off chance that your husband will fall for the daughter of the doctor that performs your tummy-tuck, thus beginning his midlife crises of bad decisions and Ed Hardy. (Just ask Kate Gosselin.)
Your other option is to buy some damn Spanx, woman and just learn to love your imperfections. My eldest is also just five and I’m just now beginning to feel comfortable in this “new” body of mine. Be easy on yourself and start to look at your figure as something sexy rather than something flawed. Maybe draw a happy face on the pouch to get things started.
Work it, gurl.
This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.