You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.
That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.
Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?
Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.
Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!
Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?
Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!
In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!
What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:
1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)
We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 37, and […brace yourself…] I haven’t had any man touch me in the 16 years since my son was born. I was really down and put down about my extra weight, flabby parts, and pregnancy ‘scars’ and have few acquaintances and fewer friends. I’m beyond lonely. I’ve considered the weirdos that troll Craigslist and male prostitutes and just can’t bring myself to do it. Did I mention I have extreme social anxiety? And though I’ve recently upgraded my ‘toy‘ it still doesn’t give what I really miss about sex. So I guess my question is what would you do if you didn’t have the husband part of the family equation?
Lonely and Desperate
Dear Lonely & Desperate
Listen, after reading your note, I can barely set down the box of Kleenex long enough to sputter out with consternation:
CRAIGSLIST?! WOMAN, ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!
The fact is, I don’t know you. I don’t know you, but after hearing your story, I love you and my heart aches for you. Similarly, my fiercely honest and protective friend personality (I have several…I call this one Wanda) is screaming her ever-loving head off. You are hurting, anyone can see. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t as in love with yourself as you should be. In different grades, we–as women and as human beings–have all been there at some point. But the key here is to recognize this foolishness. To recognize that you are to be loved–that you are, in fact, IMMENSELY LOVABLE, “pregnancy scars” and all.
And it is SO IMPORTANT that you learn this and know this and really BELIEVE this. Sixteen years is entirely too long to go feeling this way, and in a way, I’m glad you’ve started thinking about Craigslist only because IT’S BATSHIT INSANITY. This, girl, is your wakeup call. Here, let me show you. The following are pulled from the personals section in my local Craigslist. I’m 95% certain they’re both serial killers.
(Here’s to hoping my husband checks my search history!)
Now. Get your beautiful ass to a therapist. This is your first, very important, most critical step. Here you will learn the tools you’ll need to help gain some of that confidence you’re lacking. Also, sit down and decide what it is that you enjoy in this world. Go out and start doing some of those things. You will find strength. You will make friends. You will learn to love yourself and let others love you back.
And then you will come back here and give us an update so that we can all look back on this post and shudder at the thought of what might have been.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m wondering what I should do about my facial hair. It’s very blonde and I don’t think I look like I have a mustache and sideburns but every time I go into the salon to get my eyebrows waxed, the Asian ladies ask if I want to do my lip or my face.
I used to look at them like they were crazy but now that I’m over forty, I’m thinking the hair on my face is getting thicker and maybe they’ve been right all along. What would you do in my position? Start waxing or keep it real?
Barely There Hair
Dear Barely There Hair,
The facial hair dilemma. This one brings back memories. (Of when I was a pre-pubescent tween, but we won’t go there.)
Most of us women must face this waxing predicament for one part of the body or another. Ahem. For me, it’s the ol’ mustachio as well. In the summer, my facial hair seems to lighten and disappear. But then one day, usually around November or so, I wake up and scream at the masculine reflection staring back from the mirror. It’s unfortunate that it doesn’t show up a little earlier for Halloween, because that would actually be quite convenient.
Anyway, if you’re really struggling with this decision, I’ve found that there are a few questions you can ask yourself to gauge the severity of your problem. If you answer YES to two or more of the following questions, you may want to get waxed.
1. Do you find yourself stroking your upper lip while lost in thought?
2. Have you ever been in the middle of eating a meal when you noticed a forkful of sandwich stuck to your upper lip?
3. Is your mustache starting to highlight your overgrown roots?
(You don’t need to share your answers.)
Now, remember that, if you take the plunge, you’ll have to commit to regular upkeep. Personally, that type of long-term obligation gives me anxiety, which is why I like to trim mine occasionally with a cuticle scissor.
I’m usually also drunk when this happens, but I don’t think that’s particularly relevant.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Halloween is just one day away and my house is full of candy to give to Trick or Treaters. I’m trying to resist it and stick to my diet, but it’s not easy. Any tips on how to resist?
Tempted by Treats
Dear Tempted By Treats,
I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have a lot of willpower. Not to brag, but I personally have a tremendous amount of willpower. In fact, I haven’t even touched the many SWEET JESUS I WOULD KILL FOR A F*$#ING KIT KAT bags of candy I bought for Halloween. Nope, not a single piece of candy has passed by my determined lips.
You see, Tempted, it’s important to remember that dieting OMG SNICKERS ARE LIKE CARMEL METHAMPHETAMINE is a mental game. And one needs to stay strong of mind and appreciate that your body’s health is far more important than GET INTO MY MOUF, YOU DELICIOUS PEANUT M&M BASTARDS a few moments of sugary weakness. For it is our strength that keeps us looking good and feeling good, is it not?
That’s why powerful, clearheaded women like yours truly never, ever I GONNA LICK YOU ALL OVER LIKE A STRIPPER POLE, LAFFY TAFFY even look at our Halloween candy until Halloween night. Out of sight, out of mind, my friend. So my advice to you is to stop being so weak and AWWW, YEAH, 50 SHADES OF TWIX BAR pathetic and eat an apple instead. If you do that, I’ll be proud of you, but more important to note is that I JUST HAD A THREE MUSKETEERS 3-WAY AND NOW I NEED A WINE COOLER AND A CIG you’ll be proud of yourself. Go, you!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a stay at home mom to a 2 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. Before having kids, I worked part-time. It’s been tough to live on one income, and unfortuantely my husband and I seem to have different ideas about spending. For example, he thinks it’s irresponsible for me to get my nails done at the salon, but I see it as a necessity. I need that quiet time once a week, and it’s not that expensive.
Who do you think is right?
Wouldn’t it be great if I were Suze Orman? Great for me, I mean! Because then I’d be a kazillionaire and take you out for a nice manicure! Wait, unless Suze Orman practices fiscal responsibility and doesn’t treat people she’d never met to manicures and other beauty treatments.
Personally, I totally sympathize with you. I love to get an occasional manicure and see it as Necessary Pampering. Unfortunately the Treasury has yet to recognize this budget item as worthy of deduction status. It’s not easy to look good sometimes. But I also sympathize with your husband. Because when looking for expenses to trim, his eye naturally jumps to all things shiny. Like your nails. And if it’s between food, housing, car, cable or your nails, I don’t have to tell you what’s going to be sacrificed in that pentogram.
The trick is to balance your need for some pampering and his need to live within your means. There are some ways that you could approach this.
1. Get your nails painted a less shiny, eye-catching color. There are gorgeous muted shades for fall, so perhaps it’ll be less likely to catch his eye? Of course you may prefer less Lucy-hiding-purchases-from-Ricky approaches below.
2. Discuss how much money there is in the budget for discretionary spending. If you know you have $X a month for non-necessary spending for the family, talk about splitting that amount among the family. And if your budget does not permit for discretionary spending, it’s time to re-evaluate it. Because a financial plan that does not allow for occasional spending is not sustainable.
3. Explain that the manicure is about more than nails, that it’s time for you to have for yourself. If you hire someone to watch the kids while you get the manicure, would it make sense for him to watch the kids on the weekend so that you can save on the costs that way?
Look, many of us are having money worries and financial conversations with our partners that we may want to avoid at all costs. Talking about money feels icky to us. But unless you can find a source of oil in your backyard (definitely worth looking! And if you find it, remember what a rock I’ve been in your life for the past few minutes), you got to have the tough-as-nails talk.