My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
Ethically Challenged
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My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH
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I Want My Husband To Shave. His Body. I’m Serious.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I want my husband to start shaving his arms and legs. We have been married for 3 years now. He used to let me shave them but after about a year into the marriage he stopped allowing me to do it.
What are some ways I could convince him to start doing this? I hate body hair.
Signed,
I Don’t Dig Gorillas
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Dear I Don’t Dig Gorillas,
Wow, have you made me feel better! And here I was feeling bad that I pretended to like Chinese food when I first started dating my husband. But your spouse apparently pretended that he liked shaving his legs and arms?!
I really bow down to you lady. I can not believe you convinced your husband to do this for so long (an entire year into your marriage!). Most wives have much smaller marital dreams. Like maybe convincing their husbands to put dirty dishes into the dishwasher instead of the more popular sink option.
Just out of curiosity, how long does it take to shave his arms and legs? You, of course, can email me privately with this pivotal information.
You have three options here. You can accept him the way he is. I mean, I would love for my husband to have Ryan Gosling abs but let’s be realistic. There is a better chance that Ryan Gosling will be my second husband than that happening. So I accept the love of my life the way he is (at least 99% of the time, okay 80% but whatever).
Your second option is to convince him to become a professional swimmer which will require him to remove all body hair. But then of course, he’ll constantly smell like chlorine.
Or finally, you can tell your husband that you think it’s SO SEXY when he shaves his arms and legs and you would really love for him to do it again. You can offer something in return but good lord, I hope he doesn’t ask you to watch the entire baseball season with him because those games are on EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Be careful.
In the end, he still might not want to do it. And ultimately that’s what marriage is all about – accepting and loving your spouse for who he is, not who you wish he would be. And with that final morsel of wisdom, I’m off to move all the dishes out of the sink and into the dishwasher.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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Don’t Hate Us Because We Are Perfect
This week there’s been a lot of backlash against a British woman who says her life is hard because she is so beautiful. Men buy her things and women hate her. (By the way, does anyone know what “beautiful” means in British? Because we’re guessing it means something different than it does here over the pond.)
But despite the backlash, The Mouthy Housewives must support Samantha, our brave sister in delusion. Because like her, we are also very much despised–both for our beauty and our Domestic Goddess skills. In fact, it’s probably hard for you to imagine what we’ve all had to endure, so we’re providing you with a list.
Read it and weep.
And then get us a box of bon-bons.
HOW BEING PERFECT DOMESTIC GODDESSES HAS MADE OUR LIVES MISERABLE:
The insurance policies on our vacuum cleaners cut into our silver polish budget.
Our poor husbands don’t know WHAT do to when they check into a five-star hotel on business. Those maids and butlers could stand to learn a thing or two from us.
It’s so embarrassing when other mothers come over and realize they’ve been throwing their kids crap birthday parties for years.
Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal are constantly calling us to fact check.
Our immaculately spotless minivan lacks “character” and “edge.”
Constant worry about dangerous slips and falls due to our hardwood floors being cleaned and waxed to perfection.
We bore our friends to death with the tale of how one of us once found a single stray dog hair on the couch cushion back in 1983. Oh, the embarrassment of that day!
The people at Febreeze forever bothering us about how we get our homes to smell so perfect. How do you bottle perfection?
The overwhelming fear of the other mothers that it’s Picture Day at school when we show up with our perfectly polished children.
Dust runs away from us in fear.
Nobody believes us when we tell them that that cracker ass Martha Stewart steals all of our ideas.
Whenever the Merry Maids see us, they become the Crabby Maids.
We have PhD in ironing (that stands for PutTheIronDown, right?)
Our cleaning women just sit and gaze lovingly at our faces instead of doing their jobs.
So, you see? We know exactly how Samantha feels. It’s tough to be so perfect.
So very, very tough. 
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Does This Baby Weight Make Me Look Fat?
It’s Guest Post Thursday! I know, isn’t it weird how it just sneaks up on you every time? I swear, I’ve hardly hung up my Guest Post Thursday decorations before it’s time for Crying In The Closet Friday.But today we’re very excited to welcome one of the sweetest, coolest internets people out there—-Kristen Seymour! Kristen is young, pretty, super fit and funny and for those reasons, I should probably shun her in the lunchroom. But I won’t because I’m a BIG PERSON and she’s really, really nice. Be sure to follow her on Twitter (@kgseymour), check out her v. entertaining blogs Jeez-0-Petes and Fit Bottomed Girls and welcome her to TMH! Thanks, Kristen! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a baby six months ago and still have 30 pounds to lose. (I took “eating for two” to heart, what can I say?) I really can’t afford a gym, but I don’t like exercise tapes, either. Plus I’m usually completely exhausted and want to spend the few minutes I have to myself either sleeping or using my computer. In short, I’m not motivated to exercise, but I need to do something. Any ideas?
Signed,
New Mom, New Muffintop
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Dear NMNM,
First off, congrats on the new baby! I’m with you on the eating for two — if I wanted a baby, like, even a little bit, I would totally have one just for the extra grub I could get away with eating. Shoot, why do you think I run and swim as much as I do? TO EAT. That’s it.
So, here’s the thing. In theory, weight loss is easy — burn more calories than you consume. Piece of cake, right? Mmmmm, cake … WAIT. Stop. Sorry, that’s not helpful. Where was I?
Right. Weight loss. I’m going to give you three super simple, foolproof tips to help you drop that weight in a safe, easy way. And, I’m even going to tell you how to do it without wanting to murder anyone who dares to eat a piece of pizza in front of you. Well, probably, anyway. It kind of depends on how stabby you are to begin with. I’m going to assume you’re within normal stabby ranges when properly fed and rested; if that’s not the case, well, I cannot be held responsible.
1. Weight loss has more to do with food intake than exercise (which would explain why there are no size 6 dresses in my closet despite the mileage on my sneakers). But, you’re busy, tired, and are dealing with major life changes as you adapt to parenthood. In short, you’re probably not in a place where you want to drastically change your diet.So, rather than an overhaul, focus only on the areas where you tend to have a problem. Are you a mindless snacker? A night eater? Do you eat large portions at meals? Whatever your downfall, there’s a solution — veggies. Snack on them, eat them at night when you want something crunchy, and fill a good portion of your plate with them at dinner; you’ll feel fuller, curb cravings, and not have to deal with breaking a habit.
2. Being active is still helpful, though, so find something active that you enjoy. You mentioned not digging workout videos, but not being able to afford a gym. What is it that you would do at the gym that you can’t do at home?I mean, it’s no skin off my nose if you don’t like workout DVDs, period-the-end, but you should also know that there are a TON of different options. Like, way more out there than Jazzercize and Jane Fonda. Walking, weights, yoga, dance, you name it, it’s out there. Might be worth checking around to see if one clicks. If you find a few fitness blogs you like (cough*Fit Bottomed Girls*cough), you just might see a review of a video that doesn’t sound like a total drag.
3. Last, but far from least, enlist the help of friends. Whenever I get in a slump — and it happens to absolutely everybody, honest — I turn to anyone who’ll hear me out and give me some motivation. I rely on local friends to meet me for a run or a long walk with the dogs; I’d never get to the pool for a morning workout if someone wasn’t meeting me. And, I go to Twitter when I need a little instant motivation — there’s always someone online who’ll tell you to go get sweaty, and believe me, they’ll be there to listen once you’re done and ready to brag, too!
In the meantime, let me leave you with one other pearl of wisdom. Don’t wait until you fit back in your skinny jeans to allow yourself to feel like a hot mama. Make sure there are a couple of items in your closet that make you feel good now, at your current weight. Maybe it’s flowy dress in a great pattern — hey, I bet one of the Mouthy Housewives even has a spare caftan in her closet — or a belted tunic that shows off curves. The point is, although you should totally celebrate reaching your weight loss goals when you meet them (and you will), you should also feel beautiful now, and at every stage in between.
Good luck!
Kristen, Guest TMH
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Gwyneth Says No To Botox: The Mouthy Housewives Come To Her Rescue.
Happy Friday everyone! The Mouthy Housewives were just seconds away from pouring ourselves a margarita to get the weekend started when we heard some startling news. In a recent interview, 39-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow was quoted as saying, “I’ll take my wrinkles. I don’t like the Botox thing.” Apparently, she plans to grow old gracefully? WTF?
We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:
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Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.
Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.
Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.
Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!
Never travel without own soft-white light source.
Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.
Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.
Start lying about age. 80 never looked so good!
Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.
Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!
Conspire with BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.
Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.
Get Botocks. It’s totally not Botox.
Two words: Invisible. Tape.
Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!
Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.
Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!
So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!
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