Mouthing Off: You’ve Come A Long Way, Sugar Baby!
We’re back with Mouthing Off and we have to tell you, this one is a doozy. Because there is an alarming trend of female college grads looking for wealthy men to pay their tuition and pay off their student loans. In exchange for companionship, which we hope we don’t have to tell you, doesn’t mean attending the opera together.
There are websites where these cash-starved women and rich men can meet– like a regular dating website, except the woman specifies how much cash she will need on a monthly basis for the pleasure of her college-educated company.
These women are being referred to by the media as sugar babies looking for sugar daddies. We’re guessing because prostitutes looking for Johns is offensive.
Oh, we heard the explanation that this isn’t prostitution because the women aren’t offering a menu of sexual services in exchange for a set fee. And we’re not here to make a legal argument that anyone should be charged with prostitution.
We do wonder about what makes these women think that this arrangement is their only viable option. There is no question that the economy is in trouble and of course the recent college graduates are coming into a terrible market.
They may have to defer their student loans. They may even have to default on them. And however unappealing that may be, we are talking about institutional loans, not loan sharks.
Surely these women’s self-esteem is worth more than their credit rating?
What do you think– is it okay to provide companionship in exchange for cash? And how do you think the parties involved are reporting these transactions on their tax returns?
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28 Responses to “Mouthing Off: You’ve Come A Long Way, Sugar Baby!”
Comment by A_Nanny_Mouse.
There was a period of time shortly after I left an abusive marriage that I because an escort to make my ends meet. I had an infant son and spent many of those early days choosing between groceries and diapers. I didn’t have any money, I couldn’t afford daycare, and so there was no job, I was earning nickels and dimes doing telemarketing at night after he was in bed, so I needed something else to help make the rent.
I wrote tactful, articulate personals ads, priced my time above standard market value, and only agreed to see men who were reasonably attractive. Shallow? Sure. But if I was going to do this, I didn’t want to hate doing it.
I’ve always been able to easily separate sex from emotion. You don’t have to love someone to sleep with them. This never felt harmful to my psyche and did not feel degrading or exploitative. I was in control of who I saw, and for the most part, it felt like a date… a date who happened to leave some cash in a white envelope.
I saw a lot of different men. A lot of different personalities. But for the vast majority of them, sex seemed to be just the cherry on the cake, if you’ll pardon the pun. They seemed more interested in being able to spend an evening (I booked by the evening, not by the hour) with a woman who could give them something they lack–a distraction. They came into my home and left “real life” at the door. They could be whoever they wanted–live out the fantasies they’d never dare bring up with a girlfriend, brag about accomplishments that may or may not have actually happened, try on new personalities and personas. To them, I was a companion who laughed at their jokes and made them feel special. (And since I soon began to quickly determine who I liked and who I didn’t, their jokes were usually pretty damn funny. Made my job easy)
I think companionship, including sex, can most definitely be a legitimately salable commodity. We pay for our emotional health in a lot of ways–retail therapy, prescription drugs, comfort food, adrenaline experiences, vacations, entertainment, music– all things that affect how we feel, and that we happily pay for. So if what makes us feel good is the intimate company of another person, and both parties are legally consenting, who is it harming? And who is anyone else to judge?
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Marinka Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 6:16 am
Thank you for your comment.
You make so many good points–we do pay for our emotional health in a variety of ways. Your situation was different from the one that was discussed in the post– your son’s welfare was at stake.
And I’d like to believe that your experience didn’t leave scars, but it’s very hard for me to do that. Of course, I also think that most experiences leave scars.
As to your question, who is it harming: I think it harms us all to the extent that it makes intelligent women think that prostitution (and that’s what we are talking about here, right?) is their best shot.
I think it harms women in general because I have a feeling that the fantasies that the men were re-enacting, the ones they would not dare do with their girlfriends, weren’t NOW-approved.
As to who is anyone else to judge? Eh, we all judge. I’m ok with that.
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Janine Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
Thank you for that thoughtful and thought- provoking insight. I say: Your body, your choice. Period.
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I'm a big ol' b with a captial B! Reply:
August 6th, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I agree that it’s her body and her choice.
However, I am wondering where her child was when this was all taking place. She can put herself in potentially dangerous situations if she wants to, but it’s her job to keep her child safe. So I really hope her son wasn’t home. 
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SarcasticMoo Reply:
August 7th, 2011 at 8:59 pm
I too was worried about the kid. Her body her choice yada yada but what about the kids choice?
Comment by Cate8.
wish I had thought of it when I younger…probably at 48 it is not the time to start a new career…but then again,,,I am sure I know a lot more than a young college grad.
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Comment by From Belgium.
In the assumption that they are doing it out of their own free will I don’t really have problem with it. Their choice, not mine.
To go even further, I have more respect for them than for a woman who marries a man just to be safe and enjoy a cozy lifestyle. At least they are not fooling anyone.
@cate8: I’m pretty sure there is a niche market for your *ahem* knowledge..
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Comment by Padded Cell Princess.
I married a college student 2 years ago and he will still be a student, acquiring debt, for the next 3 years. I lived in a retirement community and had lots of old rich ‘gentlemen’ take a shine to me but I held out for what I knew would be so much better. Despite all the debt, I love my husband and am glad that I married him for him because you can’t buy happiness!
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Comment by Diane.
There is actually no defaulting on your college loans. I think the only thing that discharges them now is death. Sobering, really.
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Marinka, TMH Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 8:47 am
They won’t be discharged, but if you don’t pay, you’ll be in default.
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Comment by Mo.
I have known many beautiful women who will always be able to use their looks to survive, if and when they need to. It isn’t always about sex… some men will do anything (or pay anything) to be seen with a gorgeous girl. I have watched these girls masterfully manipulate men and it’s quite a skill, and it does require intelligence. I was never one of the pretty girls. But if you are one of “those types” I guess I prefer the honesty of being an escort rather than pretending the fairytale love and marriage.
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Comment by Plano Mom.
When I was 22 I was offered the chance to attend graduate school at Rockefeller University, with an apartment and all expenses paid. The price? My then boyfriend’s great uncle, then 80, believed that every man should have three women: a wife, a lover, and a sweetheart. He told me he already had the wife and sweetheart. I told him I thought all three could be had in one woman, and I already belonged to someone else. He then spent the weekend trying to cop a feel at every opportunity. We called him Irv the Perv. He disowned my boyfriend, but only after we were engaged.
On the other hand, I once seriously considered an offer of marriage from a very sweet man, who knew I didn’t love him but wanted companionship. He would support me and I could go back to school.
I guess the big question for me would be what other relationships are being hurt by this? If I were a single guy, I guess I might appreciate having the terms of a relationship up front.
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Comment by Megan.
This is one of the few areas where women have significant leverage over men. It is at once empowering and sad. I’m conflicted.
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Comment by Suburbancorrespondent.
These comments are completely freaking me out. While it is no surprise that women still use sex to support themselves inthis day and age, it is ironic they are using it to procure a college education. I thought that access to higher education and professional training was supposed to negate the need to prostitute ourselves to survive.
Also? Those commentors who are claiming that the arrangement these girls have is just like marriage but more honest? That’s just plain sad.
Is it a success for feminism that girls can sell their bodies without being judged for it? Or is it a failure because women still find themselves having to prostitute themselves in order to survive? Is it less immoral if one chooses to sell sex (as opposed to being forced to)? Or is calling it a choice simply a convenient way to make us all feel better?
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Danielle Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Does anyone really HAVE to turn to prostitution.It seems like it is just the easy way out for some.
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Padded Cell Princess Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 1:56 pm
I’m sorry but I’m laughing because “easy way” is hittin the nail on the head! lol
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Danielle Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 3:10 pm
”nailed” it!
Comment by I'm a big ol' b with a captial B!.
I don’t understand this whole, “Well, it’s better to be a prostitute [and make money to pay the bills] than be in a loveless marriage [and have the husband pay the bills].”
Why on earth do men have to be in this situation at all? How about paying the bare minimum per month and get it done? Sure, it may take my lifetime. But in the end, it would get done, by ME, for ME. I don’t need a man to pay my way. Not now. Not ever.
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Comment by A Tale of Superficiality and Non-Prescription Glasses « part of the Plan.
[...] wasn’t going to put this particular post on my new site, but I found an article on a “real blog” that was written regarding the same subject, so I figured, hey, maybe [...]
Comment by deborah l quinn.
I’m curious why these comments aren’t taking to task the men who would willingly engage these services and/or a society that has structured itself in such a way that education has become so expensive as to be out of reach for many who want it. I’m pretty sure that my tombstone will read “default” b/c I’m going to be paying off grad student loans until I die (and after, if there’s a checking account in heaven or that other place). A society that can’t afford to educate its citizens–and can’t offer reasonable, humane options in lieu of an education–seems to me to be pretty seriously screwed up. If these women want to charge for sex, I suppose that’s their choice, but their choice (such as it is) illustrates to me a far, far deeper & more serious set of problems.
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Comment by Kati.
Reminds me of an old joke.
Man asks a woman “would you sleep with me for a million dollars?”
She says “yeah, sure!”
Then he asks “would you sleep with me for $50?”
She slaps him and exclaims “certainly not! What kind of woman do you think I am?!”
He calmly replies “Ma’am, we’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just haggling the price.”
A prostitute is a prostitute. I’m not passing judgement on the profession, nor am I making a statement condoning or condemning it. But it is what it is, and calling it something else doesn’t change anything.
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Comment by Louise.
I have a friend who is a part of one of these websites as a ‘sugar baby’ and advertises that she is looking for a non-sexual relationship. However when I saw some of the stuff that was being said I lost a bit of respect for her as she was completely just looking for material goods – she wasn’t doing it to help support herself. That being said, I know it’s up to her so if that’s what she wants to do with her life them more power to her
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Comment by Kimberly/Foodie City Mom.
People can (and will) do what they want to do. Personally, I think that if a woman is smart enough to get to college, then she is a smart enough to figure out a way to get through it without relying on a sugar daddy.
People think differently, but I definitely don’t think that this is empowering for women…at all.
Defaults over Daddies! (sugar daddies)
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Comment by Lilly.
I don’t see any problem with what these young women are doing. Willingness to exchange companionship (and you might be surprised how many of the men are looking for companionship as much as sex) for money doesn’t mean low self esteem. It actually means you know the value of your looks, time and companionship.
I’m also speaking from firsthand experience. I have a normal, professional job by day. In the evenings I take appointments as a professional dominatrix. I don’t have sex with my clients, not out of moral qualms, but more because there are certain lines my domestic partner has asked me not to cross. There are a few clients that I probably would cross that line otherwise.
Sure, I could make more money in my day job by going to a bigger corporate setting and working 100 hours a week, but I would be miserable. I enjoy working for the smaller company, and I enjoy my D/s work in the evenings. I have a good balance in my life that makes me happy. How do you know these women aren’t finding the balance that makes them happy?
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Comment by Please Don't Call Me Dear | The Mouthy Housewives.
[...] I understand you’re upset. When I was in college, I started a mission to strike the word “girl” from the lips of every collegiate. I [...]
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Cate8 Reply:
August 5th, 2011 at 4:34 am
was your child at home?
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