17 Jun
How Do I Prove I Don’t Want Your Husband?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m the only female employee in my office. All the others are men (of course) and they’re all married. Knowing the insecurity that sometimes rears its ugly head with women, I have bent over backwards to make it clear that there are definite boundaries I wouldn’t cross.

At company functions I make sure to mingle with the wives, not the male co-workers. I always accept any “ladies’ night” invitations I receive. I accepted such an invitation last weekend, and on Monday I find out I vaguely insulted someone. A co-worker told me about it, but he didn’t know who was upset or what I had done. I honestly don’t know how or who.

Now I feel uncomfortable joining in on company activities – and there are a lot of these. The company is big enough where I can’t just go down a list and ask all the wives who I’ve insulted and what I did, so that I can apologize. And I can’t continue *not* going to functions, because I am seriously afraid they’ll think I won’t hang out with them because I want their husbands or have something to hide.

What do I do?

Signed,
I Swear I’m Not After Your Husband

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Not After Your Husband,

You sound like a very considerate female co-worker and I applaud you for your maturity. But before I give advice, I have a question to ask you. If you are the only woman in a company that large, shouldn’t we report them to the EEOC?

Now, this hunting down which wife you offended is a bad idea, even if the company were smaller and an equal opportunity employer. You are a Mouthy Housewife reader! Stare at our web header until, through osmosis, you become like a Mouthy Housewife and then act accordingly. This means a) start a rumor about the wives as a counterattack or b) not caring you offended someone.

If the osmosis fails and you feel you can’t bring yourself to do such a thing (maturity can be such an inhibitor that way), I have a few other suggestions of how to nip this situation in the bud.

Become a lesbian. Or simply hint at lesbian activity.

Keep a tube of Preparation H on your desk. Make frequent trips to the bathroom with it obviously in hand, both at work and during ladies’ night out.

Stop shaving your armpits and set a fashion trend with sleeveless shirts. Be sure to wear them to those company functions!

Pass a lot of gas, especially at company functions.

Adopt 19 cats and become your office’s Crazy Cat Lady. Keep your purse full of pictures of your darlings. Dress them up and bring them as your “date” to those company activities.

Utilizing even just one of the suggestions while in the company of the wives will surely convince them their husband could never find you attractive.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

10 Responses to “How Do I Prove I Don’t Want Your Husband?”

06.17.10#1

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

First things first: nothing would disturb me most than a woman co-worker of my husband’s trying to convince me that she’s not after him. This is exactly what would make me think that she’s definitely after him.

Just act normal, be yourself, joke and banter with your male co-workers and no wife will ever be jealous of you. (I work in a similar situation and never once did a wife suspect me of being after her husband, though I regularly joke and banter with them all).

And another thing: rumor has it that at a ladies’ night you might have vaguely offended someone??? Well, start another rumor saying that you’re vaguely pissed that the vaguely offended one didn’t try to get things straight with you. If she didn’t care to do it, why should you?

So cheer up, go to every function, mingle with whoever you feel at ease with, drink, smoke, laugh and don’t bother. All things will fall into place by themselves.

And if you ever have the urge to go after someone’s husband, I grant you permission to go after mine.
Oooops, I forgot to mention that I’m not married… 😉

06.17.10#2

Comment by dusty earth mother.

I agree with “be yourself”. But just to be safe, be yourself with busy armpit hair.

06.17.10#3

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Obviously I meant “bushy” armpit hair, but I also like “busy”. It makes me think of armpit hair wielding a “To-Do” list.

kmdguerra Reply:

I like “busy” better than “bushy”…”bushy” is soooo 1999.

06.17.10#4

Comment by Wendi.

Are you Peggy on “Mad Men”? Do you work for Sterling Cooper?

06.17.10#5

Comment by GrandeMocha.

I LOVE “Dress them up and bring them as your “date” to those company activities.” I recommend doing this with a fluffy little dog instead. My cats have bad attitudes when I dress them in clothes.

06.17.10#6

Comment by GrandeMocha.

Make the boss’ wife your new bff. The wives will be to afraid for their hubby’s job to be worried about keeping their husband.

06.17.10#7

Comment by kmdguerra.

Scratch your crotch frequently too. That’s sure to be a winner! But no ass-slapping of your coworkers. They might like that.

06.17.10#8

Comment by April.

What I don’t see in this letter is where she knows for certain that the wives are feeling threatened by her presence. She just assumes they are and then goes on to assume that the person who was vaguely offended was so because she thinks that she is after her husband. Which, to me, sounds like the letter writer is the one with the issue here, not the wives of her coworkers. I say, give these women a little credit- quit assuming we are all catty, jealous women who are threatened by the presence of a woman in the office where our husband is employed. It could be that she told a joke that offended someone but until she is personally confronted by a wife about her relationship with the husband, then she really should not be so concerned. If anything, being so concerned about convincing them she isn’t a threat, makes her appear even more so.

Roshni Reply:

Great! That’s exactly what I was thinking! She just mentions that someone got ‘vaguely offended’ by her! How did she come to the conclusion that meant she comes across as a femme fatale with the wives?!?!

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