You know how much we love giving advice. But we Mouthy Housewives have to take a little hiatus. With all this heat our hair has gone haywire and we are beginning to look like the Richard Simmons quintuplets and that’s just not an appropriate look for the important task of helping you solve your problems.
Plus, the hot weather is just frying our brains, despite the fact that Marinka worked out a deal for Chris Brown to fan us and feed us ice cold grapes 24/7 as part of his community service requirements. Man, why can’t Ryan Gosling ever be on probation?!
Please enjoy your summer! We will probably spend most of it flying to and from London to help look after the royal bambino. Those first-time moms need a lot of guidance. We will miss you terribly, and as a coping mechanism, we will most likely have to partake in lemon drop shots and dirty dancing with Prince Harry. But we’ll still be over at BlogHer Moms with our weekly dose of wisdom, so visit us there!
Goodbye for now,
The Mouthy Housewives
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My best friend’s husband texted me the other day out of nowhere (I don’t even know how he got my number!). At first I didn’t think anything of it, but then he started getting flirtatious. I did not flirt back and made sure I mentioned my fiancé more than once so the conversation could steer in a different direction (I mentioned wedding planning, house hunting, and his name).
I didn’t want to over-think it, but then he asked me if I minded that he was flirting with me and asked me to not tell his wife about the conversation. I of course told him that I rather he didn’t flirt because his wife is a good friend of mine and I don’t think she would appreciate it. I told my fiancé about the conversation and showed him the texts because I don’t want to hide anything from him. He was obviously pretty upset and doesn’t want me going over to my friend’s house anymore (especially when her husband is there); I also don’t feel comfortable going over there now either.
The dilemma I’m facing is whether I should break this news to my friend. They’re married and have a 1 year old baby. I don’t want to start drama especially when there is a marriage and family involved but I feel like I would want to know if my fiancé/husband was doing this to me. If her husband is texting me, then what else is he doing with other women that his wife isn’t friends with?? If I don’t tell and she finds out later on I feel like it might make matters worse but if I do tell her, then I think she will still be mad at me regardless. I feel like it’s a lose / lose situation and our friendship will not be same after this. What should I do?
Don’t Shoot The Messenger
You are between a rock and a hard place, my friend. There’s a wide spectrum of flirtation, so it’s a little hard to advise you not knowing if your friend’s husband wrote that you looked hot at the block party last weekend, or if he sent you a pic of his privates. HOWEVER, the fact that he specifically asked you not to tell his wife about the texts is super creepy. Bottom line is, you are not going to feel okay about any of this unless you tell her. I feel for you, I really do.
This situation sucks. Did you save the texts? It would help if you could actually show them to her. You can’t expect that she will immediately decide her husband (and father to her child) is a horrible person who she must leave immediately. Still, she’s probably going to feel threatened and defensive, and you need to let her know that you don’t hold her responsible for her husband’s actions, and that you hope it was just a misstep on his part and that you can all get past it.
I’m not sure his flirtatious texts to you are an indication that he’s doing this (or anything else) with other women, but it is a sign of extremely risky behavior on his part. No matter what, it made you uncomfortable, you didn’t reciprocate, and you did nothing wrong. Don’t let either of them try and turn this back on you (I’d bet good money that at least one of them will do exactly that).
Hopefully, this will just be a brief bump in the road for your friendship.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
How do I become more manly? Or at least manly enough for women to stay interested in me? I am, by nature, an extremely shy person. I have also been mugged a couple of times. I am a child of a single mom who did everything better than I did, including anything physical and I am bad with my hands. I stopped playing sports years ago, in high school (I was a persistent benchwarmer), so that isn’t a selling point, either.
How do I attract women?
Not the Alpha Male
Dear Not the Alpha Male,
Oh, dear. This is a tough one. Personally, I like to think that there are a handful of distinct life experiences that fall into the old if-it-does-not-kill-you-it-will-at-least-put-hair-on-your-chest category. Obviously, I avoid them like the plague, as my chest has recently undergone laser hair removal, but that’s neither here nor there. I’d suggest any of the following, or perhaps even a combination of two or three:
1. Juggling chainsaws.
2. Signing up for that new Discovery show, Naked & Afraid.
3. Cuddling with grizzlies in Alaska. (Or, anywhere, for that matter.)
4. Swimming with sharks (that are equipped with LASER BEAMS.)
5. Befriend that Most Interesting Man in the World fella…and steal his identity.
6. Hot coals.
7. Puma essence.
8. Marlboro Reds.
9. Scorpion-infused tequila.
I KNOW, I KNOW. I realize that I sound like my mother, but the truth is that I am fully convinced that any ailment from which you may possibly suffer can be cured with either a few glasses of water or a good therapist. What I’m wondering with you, kind man, is whether you feel that you are somehow stifled and intimidated by the world around you, or if you are simply feeling unaccepting and unaccepted for who you truly are. In either of these situations, a great therapist can help you work through whatever is holding you back. You don’t need to be anything other than yourself to be deserving of love and affection, but you do need to love yourself in order for others to do the same.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I like this guy and he likes me back. He asked me out about a month ago and I said, “When I get to know you better.”
I really want to go out with him, but I’m going away with him and a whole heap of friends for 2 weeks and I think that things might be awkward if we break up before/during the vacation. I also think that if I go out with him all my other friends will judge me.
What do I do?
Hmmmm. From the sound of your letter, I’m guessing that you’re not a 40-year-old woman. Because if you were, you’d sound a lot more sure of yourself and also include many colorful swear words. So, let’s assume you’re 25 or under.
Now, you like this guy and he likes you. That’s Step Number One. But you say you don’t want to date him until you get to know him better, which confuses me. How will you get to know him better if you don’t spend any time together? Do you mean you only want to be around him in large groups? That you want to read his unpublished memoirs? That you plan on a few months of texting emojis to each other? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t at least go out for coffee or bubble tea or whatever it is you millennials enjoy these days. Monster Energy Drinks?
You are, however, wise to not start anything with him before the trip. That’s a good call on your part because the last thing you need is a lover’s quarrel while you’re backpacking through Ohio with a bunch of friends. Maybe use this time to hang out with him a little more, but in casual settings.
That said, I’m curious about the “all of my other friends will judge me” sentence in your letter. Is there something different about him? Is he an ex-con? A real estate agent? A professional clown? Because if you like him and he likes you, who cares what your friends think. Take your time, get to know him casually, then see where it goes. You’ll figure it out on your own.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Over the past few years, a woman I’m friendly with often asked me if it’s ok if her son comes over after school with my son. At first I didn’t mind, because the boys were friends, but over the last half of the school year, it was obvious that they sort of drifted apart and didn’t really have any common interests. I didn’t say anything to my friend because the school year was coming to an end and I knew she asked me only when she was in a jam because of work and couldn’t pick up her son. But now it’s the summer, and she’d asked me several times if her kid could spend the day with us.
Normally I’d say sure, I’m a stay at home mom, and her kid is really easy good and no trouble. But I feel uncomfortable forcing his company on my kid, since they’re not friends. Should I say something to my friend?
Feeling Guilty Already
Dear Feeling Guilty,
You had a kid not related to you come to your house throughout the whole school year and now you feel guilty? Look, I personally have never been canonized, so I’m not fully familiar with the secret lives of saints, but I think you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.
Sure, it was nice and easy for you and nice and convenient for your friend when your boys were friends and enjoyed hanging out together. But then those darn kids had to develop their own personalities and their own interests and drifted apart. So as of right now, the boys are not friends and having this boy over at your house isn’t a great fit.
You have to let your friend know. Tell her that it looks like the boys’ relationship changed and it doesn’t seem like they enjoy hanging out together. Tell her that maybe it will change again in the future, but for now maybe it’s best if they don’t spend so much time together. If you think they have a cordial relationship and an occasional outing to the batting cages or a movie or some other group activity is appropriate, let her know that you would be happy to include her son. Just not on a regular basis.
It’s entirely possible that your friend may not know that your sons are no longer close. Sometimes our kids don’t discuss relationships and friendships with us as much as we’d like them to and your bringing it up may lead to an important conversation between them. Maybe there are other friends whose houses he’d like to go to on days when his mom can’t pick him up. Of course it’s also possible that your friend may feel slighted. Make sure you explain that her son is welcome in her home and that she knows that she can rely on you in a pinch.