30 May
When Intimacy Is More “Ouch” Than “Oooo”

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I was recently diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I found out after having a cyst rupture, requiring a trip to Urgent Care.

The thing is that my cyst ruptured shortly after being intimate with my fiancé. My doctor reassured me that the rupture wasn’t caused by sex. However, my fiancé is now convinced that he caused my pain and doesn’t want sex because he is scared I’ll rupture another cyst. I’ve told him what the doctor said, but he’s still convinced. He has said that he doesn’t want to have sex until I’m “better” ( meaning my cysts are gone).

Unfortunately, that could be months or even never. He’s been very supportive emotionally and still enjoys cuddling, but I’m a sexual person and only having sex once or twice a week was bad enough. Its been almost 2 weeks now and I’m going crazy! How can I change his mind?!

Signed,

Cyster Sister

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Dear Cyster Sister,

I’m so sorry to hear about your painful experience and diagnosis. For those who aren’t sure what PCOS is, here’s the definition from MayoClinic.com:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance).

I’m sure you doctor (who hopefully isn’t selling sex toys) has gone over everything with you and told you how to manage your condition. I wish you the best of luck in handling all of that and hope you take good care of yourself and your health.

Now, regarding your fiance’s issues, I have to say that his reaction is completely understandable. After all, why would he want to do something with you that may cause enough pain to send you to Urgent Care again? From my slight poking around on the internet,  I couldn’t find anything that definitively said sex can cause cysts to rupture. However, I strongly advise you to ask your doctor that question with your fiance in the room so he hears it right from the physician’s mouth.  The more information on PCOS that the both of you have, the better and he should know that it’s not something that’ll just “clear up.”

That said, until things are more comfortable between the two of you in regards to sex, there are many other things you can do with, to and on each other to be intimate. (And if that last sentence isn’t proof that I have a bright future writing for certain sexy websites, I don’t know what is.) Take your time with each other and don’t pressure him to do more than he’s ready to do. You’re lucky you have a sweet guy who’s worried about your comfort.

And if any of you readers have advice or experience regarding PCOS, please chime in.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

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28 May
I Love Him For His Weiner…Dog

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I started dating a man about year and a half ago. When we met I had just come off of a 4 year man-hiatus, so I naturally said yes to the 1st man that asked for my phone number. The reason for my letter is because about 30 seconds into the relationship I started trying to break it off…..unsuccessfully. He simply will not accept the fact that I don’t want to be his girlfriend, wife, cook, housekeeper, cash-cow, etc. But, because I am in love with his animals, I do keep in touch and visit with them from time to time.

In a situation like this I think a PRO/CON list might be helpful:

PROS: He loves animals, he loves me (that’s all I got right now).

CONS: He has no bed and was sleeping on the floor when I met him (he has since upgraded to a couch on my suggestion), does not have a working refrigerator and doesn’t seem to mind, no screens on windows equals lots of bugs in the house, no dresser in bedroom equals lots of clothes on the floor, no money equals a lot of bills I have had to pay on his behalf and Christmas presents in the form of cash given in November so he & animals do not get evicted, he has terrible manners, is very clingy and needy which has a smothering effect, he drinks too much and smokes dope, chews tobacco which equals many many brown liquidy “dip” cups and bottles all over the house, overly attached to his mother equals no less than 12 phones calls to her each day, and he has a touch of OCD.

What should I do?

Signed,

Did I Mention He Loves Animals?

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Dear Did I Mention He Loves Animals,

Girlfriend, I love lists! For example, just the other day, I was at the grocery store when I saw a box of Tastykakes calling my name. I quickly made a list in my head.

PROS: They will taste like heaven, I will be happy for roughly 45 seconds, and they’re on sale!

CONS: I will have a sugar hangover because I’ll totally eat the entire box in one sitting, my husband will  be pissed I didn’t share, and I’ll have to spend an extra hour at the gym tomorrow.

You know what, I did? I bought the damn Tastykakes. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE TASTY AND THEY’RE CAKES! What am I, an idiot? So let’s look at your list. Do you see what I see? That’s right. A BOX OF TASTYKAKES WILL OFFER YOU MORE AS A BOYFRIEND THAN THIS LUMP ON A LOG.

Oh, I’m sorry, was I yelling? Ahem. Damn sugar buzz.

What do you want for yourself? Does your vision of happiness rest within a man who functions as a child, has no purpose or drive, and irritates the shit out of you? Of course not. (I mean, if it DOES, then maybe you are suited for each other. And/or a therapist.) You deserve better.

This man needs a nanny, not a girlfriend. If the animals are what keep you going back, then go to the local pound and get your own gaggle of pets. Or, you know what?! Just steal his! You would probably be doing them a favor, and while I’m no police officer, that argument sounds like it would totally hold up in court.

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH

 

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23 May
Just a Small Town Girl, Living in a Lonely World

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Recently, my fiancé and I moved to an incredibly small town (population less that 2,000) so we could be closer to his family. Not only is his sister hateful to me, but she has been spreading horribly untrue rumors around town to the point where it has begun to affect my job. I work in a manual labor job, and considering that’s all there really is to do here, I’m stuck with it. On top of that, she has begun to forbid my fiancé (her brother) from seeing his niece and nephew despite his niece’s frequent requests to see us. She is generally an all around hostile person behind your back, but incredibly nice and fake-smiley to your face. I’m fed up. I’m debating whether to pack my bags and take off or smile and bear it. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Fed Up in a Small Town

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Dear Fed Up,

Well, your future sister-in-law sounds like a real peach. And by peach, I mean rhymes-with-witch. And by rhymes-with-witch I mean C U Next Tuesday. What’s up with this chick? And why did your fiancé make you move to this teeny tiny town where his beyotch of a sister spreads her evil all over town? I’ll get back to him in a minute…

First, let’s deal with the rumor-mongering. You can’t control what the sister-in-law-to-be tells other people, but you can prove her wrong. You say that the rumors are affecting your job. I’m not sure what you mean by that exactly, but I’m assuming that co-workers are believing her poison, and treating you differently. I say kill them with kindness. Bring treats for everyone to share in the break room (or your workplace’s equivalent). Offer to do an extra shift for someone, or trade shifts if someone needs it. Compliment another woman’s outfit. Make an effort to get to know people, and to let them really get to know you.

Now, back to your fiancé, where does he stand in all of this? It’s hard to tell from your note if he even cares that his sister is keeping her kids from seeing their uncle. If he is upset by it, is he doing anything to deal with it? Honestly, he brought you to this far-away place, he should be doing everything he can to make you feel at home and welcome. What is the point of being near his family if his family is treating you both like crap? I think your first step is having a serious sit-down with the fiancé, where you tell him how unhappy you are with this situation. Maybe there’s a compromise, where you could move a couple of hours away, so his family is still driving distance away, but you don’t have to be in each other’s daily lives. For the most part, when it comes to problems with in-laws, I firmly believe that if it’s your mother/sister/brother causing the problem, then you need to be the one to stand up for your spouse, so  tell your guy to man up!

If you’re really feeling ballsy, you could call the sister up and attempt to declare a truce. Let her know that you don’t need to like each other, but for the family’s sake, you’d like to try and make it work. Maybe do it on speaker phone from the break room at work.

Good luck,

Karen, TMH

 

 

 

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20 May
Hey, Mom of Daughter’s Best Friend: What’s With the Bikini?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 10 year daughter is best friends with a girl whose mother’s parenting style is very different from mine.  She allows her daughter to watch PG-13 movies and to wear clothing that I consider inappropriate. Last summer my daughter asked for a bikini like the one her friend wears instead of a one-piece that I bought for her.  I explained that different families have different rules, but I wonder if I should speak to the mom.  We are on friendly terms, and I wonder if sharing my concerns with her would make her rethink some of her choices.

Signed,

NoBikini Mom

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Dear NoBikini Mom,

Before I get to the larger issue, I want cross the easy part of this off my list.

One piece bathing suits (scientific name maillot) can be uncomfortable. What they offer in modesty they make up in sheer wetness all over the stomach area once you’re out of the pool. That does not mean that your daughter needs to wear a thong bikini, but you should know that there are a lot of age-appropriate options out there. 

Now onto the bigger issue. You know that your parenting style is different from the other mom’s. Your daughters are best friends despite (or maybe because?) of these differences. You took the important step of telling your daughter honestly that each family’s rules are different and now you are wondering if you should share your views with the other mom.  And here’s my answer.  Yes. And also, no.

Yes, because you are friendly and people who are on friendly terms and whose children are best friends should discuss issues that concern their children. Sharing ideas is important and can be eye-opening for each of you.

No, because you seem to want to win her over to your way of thinking. If your goal in having this discussion with her is to have her fall to her knees and start repenting for parenting her kid in way that is inconsistent with your philosophy, I suggest you refrain. (Or if you choose to proceed, give Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise a heads up. They need 24 hours to get the camera crews ready.)  Because the judgey talk of “my way is better than your way” has never improved a relationship.

Chances are the other mom already knows how you feel about the various issues, and perhaps she is taking the Agree to Disagree route on this one.

And when it comes to parenting our kids, there is nothing wrong with that.

Best of luck,

Marinka, TMH

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16 May
Oops, I Let My Husband’s Mistress Move In With Us

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband decided he didn’t want to be active in Church any more in 2007. Then he decided he wanted to move and go to school. He had lots of reasons and so he signed up for school and went off while I stayed at our house for 2 months and fixed it up to sell. While he was at school he met this woman who was single with grown kids and living off her retirement.

He started doing things with this woman especially if I was out of the house. Soon every time I was gone, when I came home she was there. He started inviting her over all the time. We started going on vacations with her. But she was just his best friend. He started telling me all about her life and what she loved and what she was interested in. One time he was really drunk and was telling me how much he loved her.

After some family trouble, she had to move east and my husband fell into a deep depression. He became combative and uncommunicative.  Then, one day, he called to tell me they were moving in with us. Eventually, the son left, but she is still here, living with us. She doesn’t pay us a thing and she doesn’t do anything but a few dishes once in a while. He buys her food and computers and anything else she talks about. Now she is taking trips all over the country and the world. When I told him I didn’t like paying for everything for her so she could take trips around the world he told me I was selfish and he enjoyed making her life better for her.

She has started telling me I’m doing stuff wrong. I told him about it and he said it was my fault because I act like I want to be disciplined. He told me the other day that he didn’t want me making him breakfast any more because he wanted to have to go into the kitchen when she does so he can visit with her.

I am so embarrassed I have let this happen and I am so devastated. He is very good to me and he acts like he loves me but then he does stuff like this. I don’t know what to do! If I leave will it be the wrong thing? Am I being selfish?

Signed,

Living With the Enemy

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Dear Living With the Enemy,

Holy COW, did you hear that noise? That was the world’s loudest and longest record screech, and I think it started right around the time you mentioned how he met this woman while “away” at “school.” And, in fact, I’m not sure it hasn’t stopped screeching. (BRB, getting earplugs.)

My advice for you here is going to be clear, direct, and swift: LEAVE. You need to leave him. You need to leave HER. You need to leave this situation, like, yesterday.

Now, I’m a little worried that you may read this and think, “but…” and so I’m going to repeat myself a bit just so you understand.

You need to leave even if the following things occur:

1. He says he loves you.
2. She says she loves you.
3. You are still breathing.
4. It’s the middle of the day.
5. It’s the middle of the night.
6. He apologizes.
7. She apologizes.
8. She leaves.
9. He leaves.
10. John Boehner looks tan.

L-E-A-V-E. Leave, leave, leave. Leave? LEAVE.

Love will make us to crazy things, woman, and as crazy as this situation has become, I’m sure you are not alone. Certain, even. And my heart breaks for you that you’re hurting and embarrassed. What your husband has done is not okay, and it’s certainly not your fault. You are not being selfish. You are not crazy. You are maybe feeling a little desperate, lonely, and afraid, but this is something from which you can recover. You have no power over your husband’s choices…only your own. You simply need to find the courage, confidence, and dignity to walk away from this man and never look back. Find a friend or therapist in whom to confide, gather some momentum and flee, girl.

Run like the wind,

Kristine, TMH

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