Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I live with my boyfriend, work for my boyfriend’s company which is run out of our house, and I am so sick of my life. I feel so bored, and unhappy with myself. What do I do?
If You Can Die of Boredom, My Life is in Danger
Dear If You Can Die of Boredom,
Just reading your question made me sick of your boyfriend and I’ve never even met the guy. He’s probably a charming chap. But seriously, when do you get a break from him? You work together all day, you probably hang out together at night and then you sleep in the same bed. Ugh. When do you get a chance to miss him?
So first off, you’ve got to get some breathing space. It’s like you’re a hostage for gosh sakes and there aren’t a lot of happy hostages. Go find a hobby, get drinks with some girlfriends or start exercising. Then you can delight your boyfriend with some funny stories about your time away – like how someone got kicked out of your yoga class for farting too much. That is the kind of priceless shit that keeps a relationship alive.
Second, what do you want to do with your life? I’m getting the feeling that whatever you do for your boyfriend job-wise is not your passion. What are your dreams? Once you figure that out, you can get started on your next moves… whether that means looking for a new job, going back to school or whatever. Even taking a few steps in that direction will make you feel so much better. And don’t let your boyfriend guilt you into working for him forever. If he’s the real deal, he will want you to fulfill your own dreams, not his.
We all go through phases of unhappiness where we don’t feel quite satisfied. This is normal. But you can either choose to be unhappy or take charge and change your life. And this is the time to do it because once you are married, with 4 kids and a mortgage, it’s much harder to make epic changes to your life. (Trust me on this.) So stop reading and go seize the day!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had confided in my friend a few months ago and it’s pretty obvious that she shared what I told her with her husband. I feel hurt and betrayed and embarrassed and like my friendship with her is over.
Is it worth trying to repair it or do you think once the trust is gone, it’s gone forever?
Dear Don’t Blab,
Oh, friends and their husbands, don’t get me started.
I once had a friend who told me that she had a “no secrets” policy with her spouse, which apparently meant that she told him every bit of information she had gathered throughout the day. I was confused by such a thing, but also took it as a fair warning that if I were talking to her, he would eventually get the information. I hope you can appreciate how difficult it was for me to plan his surprise party.
But I appreciated her letting me know. Because if my confidence was going to be shared with Mr. Friend, I had the right to decide what I talked to her about. And it definitely tempered our discussions to topics like weather, kids today, and those bozos in D.C.
Your situation is obviously different because you had no idea that you would be betrayed. Which is pretty much the worst kind of surprise there is. But before we cross-stitch a scarlet B for Blabbermouth on your friend’s spring tunic, you need to make sure that she did, in fact, tell her husband. Is it possible that she did not? Is it possible that he knows this information from another source (it’s not too late to suspect other friends!) Or maybe he doesn’t know the confidence at all, but was alluding to something else entirely?
Either way, talk to your friend. Explain what your expectations are and how hurt you would be if she were to share the things you told her with anyone else.
If she did betray your trust, you’ll have to decide if your friendship can survive it; and if it can, whether it will change how much you share with her.
But give her a chance. Making new friends is so time consuming. Maybe she did nothing wrong. Maybe she will change her ways. Maybe she’ll have some great gossip about someone else to distract you with.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My children have a paid carpool to school in the morning and travel by bus back home in the afternoon. They are 11 and 19. They travel with a neighbor just around the corner from my home. My kids have now been complaining for a while about this women using foul language on them and telling them that they are “F-ed up.” I really want to approach her and give her a bit of my mind as she has issues and is now taking it out on my kids. What should I do?
Everybody Out of the Car Pool
Dear Everybody Out of the Car Pool,
So let me get this straight. Someone you’re paying with your money is telling your kids that they’re “f-ed up” and you’re wondering what to do? You’re obviously not from the Mouthy Housewife states of Texas or New York, my friend. Oh, no no no no no. If you were, you’d be asking us for bail money instead of asking us for advice. But luckily, we can still help you out because it is our duty as unpaid Internets writers.
Now listen closely: the next time your neighbor comes to pick up your kids, I want you to follow these instructions to the letter:
1. Slowly remove your earrings and hand them to your children while staring intensely at the carpool driver.
2. Repeat above, but with any and all hair extensions. Say something menacing like, “Hold momma’s wig for me, baby, I’s got work ta do” if you like.
3. Take your right hand and curl in all of your fingers until you form a nice, hard fist. (Note: Be sure you’re wearing every fake diamond ring you own.)
4. Now politely ask the driver to get out of the car. Perhaps in the genteel NYPD style. Example: GET YOUR MOTHAFOKKIN ASS OUT OF THE MOTHAFOKKIN CAR BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU, YOU MOTHAFOKKIN UNDERWEAR STAIN. Then roll your neck and snort a few times.
5. Take that asshole all the way down to Chinatown.
If you don’t know what that last step means, well, then you’re either a nun or someone who skips around a daisy field singing country songs all day. But if you do understand it, then there’s no reason why you should let your children be treated that way by anyone ever. And I do mean ever. There’s really no confrontation needed, just get busy and find another way to get them to school.
And if you don’t, then that’s really f-ed up.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am 24 years old and my husband is 28. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and married for 5 months. We are both college grads with well paying jobs, good cars and a nice house. I am ready to have a baby-I’ve got the fever! My husband is not ready yet. He wants to wait another year or two. I could give you 10 million reasons why I want a baby, but as women I am sure you know them all!
I work from home, and lately I have been reading pre-natal health books, pinning nursery ideas, researching baby names and pricing out nursery furniture and safe car seats.
What do I do!?!?!?!?! How can I get him to want a baby as much as I do?
Dear Tick Tock,
Oh, girl. You’ve got baby fever and you’ve got it bad! Unfortunately, it’s not a contagious disease, so I don’t think your husband will catch it, but I do have some medicine that might help reduce your symptoms:
1. Search colicky baby on YouTube.
2. Ask a friend with a toddler if you can babysit, then take the kid to the playground with a toy stroller. Watch other toddlers try to play with the stroller. Try to get them to take turns. [Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!]
3. Take a five year old to Chuck E. Cheese in the middle of the day on a Saturday. Do not bring earplugs — no cheating! Try not to think about all the germs in that habitrail-like crawl space thing that probably never gets cleaned by anyone.
But seriously, what’s the rush? You’re only 24, you’ve only been married for 5 months, and your husband isn’t saying he’s not sure he wants kids, he just wants to wait a couple of years (maybe even less). I have to say, I think that is totally reasonable. Have fun! Revel in that first year of marriage. Enjoy the freedom of being able to go out on a whim (babysitting is super-expensive, yo), travel places with only a carry-on, spend a weekend binge-watching Friday Night Lights, make last minute plans at least once a week, and for heaven’s sake SLEEP!!!! Seriously, I would almost pay you good money to sleep and then report back to me about what it was like. Almost.
Look, I get it. I’ve been where you are. It turns out 8-month-olds in fleece-y buntings are my kryptonite — they look so snuggly, and they’re at that yummy stage where they are just starting to show their personalities after months of just eating, pooping and sleeping, and you just know their necks are sooooo soft and smell sooooo good and ZOMGZ!! Just thinking about it almost makes me want to go for a third. Almost. But having a baby is just the beginning, and while becoming a parent is life-changing and amazing and full of joy, it also has intense moments of stress that can test even the strongest of marriages.
So, my advice is for you to take a breath, put down the baby books, live in the moment, and maybe revisit the idea on your one year anniversary…perhaps while wearing some racy lingerie.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 25, the mother of 3 boys, and I’m a tired mom…and not the usual “tired” like every mom is. I’m talking about the kind of tired that leads me to sleep all the time, not want to clean, or even go too far out of my way to create a magical day for my kids. Don’t get me wrong: I love them with every ounce of my being, I just cant do what I used to anymore. I’ve been a house wife/stay at home mom for 6 years now. Additionally, my husband is in the military, so in the past 6.5 years we have lived in 5 different houses. I used to be able to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, and my boys (I’m proud to say) are most of the time extremely well behaved.
I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now, due to suicidal thoughts, which of course I’m not proud of (and if I don’t delete that line before I click the “submit” button, I’ll be surprised.) They keep me well balanced; however, my husband wants me off of them asap because its not “normal” to need a pill to be happy. (That’s a whole other email, in and of itself).
Nothing seems to help me “recharge”. I go out with friends every once in a while (though child care is really too expensive) and I don’t even want to go home. My husband doesn’t understand why I can’t do what I did the first 5 years (his words exactly), and no matter how many times I explain I’m burned out, it doesn’t change anything.
What are some (actual) helpful tips to help get back to being “happy mommy”? A hot bath and a glass of wine aren’t cutting it. Child care is not in our budget, and my husband is not a reliable source for helping me get out of the house alone.
Burned Out Mom
Dear Burned Out Mom,
Oh, girl, where do I begin?
I suppose the obvious would be best: you should know first and foremost that you are not alone in this. Motherhood is often like trying to tame wildebeests while the rest of the world watches and reminds you to “enjoy this precious time.” Meanwhile, you’re all, “Enjoy? THAT THING JUST BIT MY ARM.”
Secondly, I’m worried that your husband’s inability to support you emotionally and physically is not helping your situation. As you said, that is another situation in and of itself, but it’s not one to be taken lightly. His lack of empathy or concern for your experience is alarming and is something you need to address with him as soon as you feel confident and strong enough to do so. Couples counseling is great for this. As a fellow military wife, I can say for certain that it saved my little wildebeest family.
So let’s get to your question, then: how can you get back to being a happy mommy? The answer is so obvious that it eluded me, even, for years. You need to ask yourself (and then answer honestly and fully): what makes you happy? Don’t think yet about practicality. Just answer the question. For instance, I needed to realize that accomplishments, achievements, and intellectual stimulation make me happy. (All of which, it seems important to note here, are very difficult to seek while in the company of a drooling human that poos itself on the regular.)
Eventually, I was able to find this with part-time work, exercise, and a closer, more fulfilling relationship with my husband and family. Like you, money for childcare was an issue, but there are ways to make things happen. Reach out to neighbors and friends for childcare. Find a gym that comes with free child watch. Look for an exciting job you can do from home. Sure, the laundry will continue to pile up, but the most important point I can make to you–and I cannot emphasize this enough–is that you mustmustMUST take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Live a life you enjoy, and suddenly finding new ways to cook chicken breast, the ongoing drone of Little Bill, and bathrooms that perpetually smell of urine are no longer so utterly oppressive.
Good luck, momma. Find some friends, talk to your therapist, and be confident in yourself. There’s nothing here to be ashamed of. Take it from me: I’m awesome at murdering chicken breast.