Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 37, and […brace yourself…] I haven’t had any man touch me in the 16 years since my son was born. I was really down and put down about my extra weight, flabby parts, and pregnancy ‘scars’ and have few acquaintances and fewer friends. I’m beyond lonely. I’ve considered the weirdos that troll Craigslist and male prostitutes and just can’t bring myself to do it. Did I mention I have extreme social anxiety? And though I’ve recently upgraded my ‘toy‘ it still doesn’t give what I really miss about sex. So I guess my question is what would you do if you didn’t have the husband part of the family equation?
Lonely and Desperate
Dear Lonely & Desperate
Listen, after reading your note, I can barely set down the box of Kleenex long enough to sputter out with consternation:
CRAIGSLIST?! WOMAN, ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!
The fact is, I don’t know you. I don’t know you, but after hearing your story, I love you and my heart aches for you. Similarly, my fiercely honest and protective friend personality (I have several…I call this one Wanda) is screaming her ever-loving head off. You are hurting, anyone can see. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t as in love with yourself as you should be. In different grades, we–as women and as human beings–have all been there at some point. But the key here is to recognize this foolishness. To recognize that you are to be loved–that you are, in fact, IMMENSELY LOVABLE, “pregnancy scars” and all.
And it is SO IMPORTANT that you learn this and know this and really BELIEVE this. Sixteen years is entirely too long to go feeling this way, and in a way, I’m glad you’ve started thinking about Craigslist only because IT’S BATSHIT INSANITY. This, girl, is your wakeup call. Here, let me show you. The following are pulled from the personals section in my local Craigslist. I’m 95% certain they’re both serial killers.
(Here’s to hoping my husband checks my search history!)
Now. Get your beautiful ass to a therapist. This is your first, very important, most critical step. Here you will learn the tools you’ll need to help gain some of that confidence you’re lacking. Also, sit down and decide what it is that you enjoy in this world. Go out and start doing some of those things. You will find strength. You will make friends. You will learn to love yourself and let others love you back.
And then you will come back here and give us an update so that we can all look back on this post and shudder at the thought of what might have been.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?
Military Wife Mary
Dear Military Wife Mary,
First of all, thank you for your sacrifice and also for your husband’s sacrifice. I know that life in the military isn’t always a walk in the park and please know that we appreciate everything you do.
That said, let’s see if we can get y’all a lil sumpin sumpin so you can relax a little bit.
Now, you said you don’t “believe in masturbation.” That’s fine, I’ll agree to respect your beliefs on that topic. However, please know that it’s a perfectly normal and natural activity and it has saved many a woman from getting so tense that she slaps the grocery store bagger for putting her eggs in the wrong sack just because he’s A COMPLETE MORON. (Or so rumor has it around my neighborhood.)
I’m not going to say any more on that subject, but I will point you to this tasteful book in case you want to change your beliefs. There are also a few “toys” on that website that aren’t weird or gross or shaped like a giant salami, so take a look at those, too.
Otherwise, here are some other suggestions to get some relief:
- Take a Bubble Bath in a jetted tub
- Hold multiple viewings of either “Magic Mike” or David Beckham’s shirtless commercial for a product I can’t remember because, hello, it’s a shirtless David Beckham
- Sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle
- Try the various yoga poses that I personally am not able to either do or describe but are apparently very good at getting your chakras off
- Take a few rides on the 25 cent mechanical pony outside of the grocery store–Yeehaw! Ride ’em cowboy! Stop looking at me, stupid bagger!
Beyond that, I’m at a loss. So I open it up to our readers—how can our friend get her rocks off without, um, anyone even touching her rocks? Let us know!
That’s right biatches, we are BACK. The Mouthy Housewives have stuffed ourselves full of candy canes and fruit cakes and put back enough spiked eggnog to hydrate a small army.
We wanted to come back sooner but Wendi kept saying she couldn’t get the right shade of blonde for her hair, Marinka was attending a rigorous interfaith class with her cat who is now a born again Christian, Karen was obsessed with coming up with baby names for Kimye and well, Kristine was last seen near the Mexico boarder ranting and raving about Honey Boo Boo. But we have regrouped, freshened our lip gloss and are now ready to improve your lives. Boy, we really missed you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve learned that my husband does role play chats online. This is basically when you pretend you are another character online with others and talk with each other for fun. What has me conflicted is that he has been doing sex role plays with people online.
I confronted him about it the other night and he admitted to it. I had been suspecting it because I would notice that when I came into the room he would immediately exit out of the window so I wouldn’t see what he was typing. We talked about it and he told me that I shouldn’t be bothered by it because he’s not playing himself when he is doing these sexual roles and that they don’t having anything to do with his real life.
I understand what he is saying but I am still conflicted. To me it feels like just another form of a sex chat. That feels like cheating and it rubs me the wrong way. But at the same time, I wonder if I’m viewing it wrong. Because I read romance novels and have read things like Fifty Shades. Reading sex scenes in those books are entertaining but it doesn’t pertain to my real life. I don’t read them because I feel unfulfilled in my marriage. I love my husband very much.
So what do you guys think?
Fifty Shades of Hurt and Confused
Dear Fifty Shades,
I think you might just be the most understanding wife ever because I got upset at my husband last night when he conveniently forgot to check his texts which instructed him to start dinner for the kids. Man, I never thought I could get that riled up over chicken nuggets. In fact, half way through my ranting, I couldn’t even remember why I was so mad.
But you sound pretty damn calm over this sex chat thing. So let me see if I can get you riled up. You are a good wife to listen to his side of this and actually contemplate if he has a point. But in my opinion, he does not.
Yes, you read Fifty Shades of Grey which has some pretty hard core sex scenes and this would be equivalent to him reading Playboy or Hustler. But he’s not reading some sex magazine, he’s role playing and having sex chats online with strangers. See the difference?
So would he be okay if you sexted with one of your ex-boyfriends or a stranger online? I mean, you’re playing a role. The role of a single, available female who is having fun on the internet. And it has nothing to do with your real life. Right?! I’m guessing he wouldn’t be okay with it.
The problem is that it can affect your real life. He’s getting his sexual urges fulfilled by strangers online instead of his own wife. This has the potential to greatly affect your relationship. Look, I get it. Marriage gets dull and it’s hard to keep the sexual spark alive. Maybe there is a way for you to role play together in the bedroom. Maybe he can pretend you are some stranger he met online. Or watch a porno together. Or he can read you passages from Fifty Shades. My point is – instead of hiding his sexual desires from you, he needs to share them with you.
Don’t be afraid to do a few sessions with a therapist to get you through this rocky period. Sometimes a third party can help you navigate tough, embarrassing conversations.