Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I feel like three tons of sh*t today. Meaning, I have a cold, my head hurts, my eyes are about to fall out of my head, I’ve been in the bathroom for hours with a trash can in front of me because heaven forbid my yuckies come out of only one end!
My questions is: Should I be upset because my wonderful, loving husband (who gave me the damn crud to begin with) just texted asking if we could do the ‘Horizontal Nasty’? My mind is blown! We’ve been together for 17 years and have three kids so he knows what ugly looks like, but he got upset when I texted back, ‘REALLY?! Um, NO!” So am I wrong for not feeling sexy with snot and assorted yuckies everywhere?
Snot Nosed Brat (according to my husband)
Dear Snot Nosed Brat,
Hold on a sec, hon—-just need to spray some Lysol on my computer and rub some Purell on my hands before I answer your question. I mean, thank God I got a flu shot last week because you sound like a bad version of Typhoid Mary right now. And I say that with affection (through the two surgical masks I just put on.)
Now, do I think you’re wrong for not wanting to have sex with your husband when you’re leaking out of every orifice? Hell, yes I do! A wife’s purpose is to serve her man NO MATTER WHAT. Wasn’t that in your marriage vows? “To love, honor, cherish and do the horizontal nasty with even when you have the Swine Flu and may die in a puddle of your own mucus”? I know it was in my vows, but then again, I got married in Nevada. Even monkeys can get married in Nevada.
But you should also be super proud of yourself that your husband still finds you sexy when you’re digusting. Most husbands would just throw a blanket on top of their sick wife and head out of town for a few days, but hey—you’re hot enough to make your husband wanna hit that head cold. Kudos, Sicko!
So I say that what you need to do is call your husband over to your death bed and ask him to wipe the crusty boogers off your cheek. Then hock up loogie, pass some gas and huskily croak, “Get on top and ride me before I have diarrhea again, cowboy. Yeeehaw!”
You’ll be left to recover in peace for as long as you need.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I found out my common-law husband (we are not married on paper) has been calling a singles sex chat line — well over 100-200 times since we’ve been together. He saw escorts and went to massage parlours before that. It is a local singles line he has been calling, not a 1-800 one, so anyone he has had a chat with is nearby. I am so hurt. He admitted to it but then claimed that he never called the line for phone sex, but because he wanted someone anonymous to talk to about his child sex abuse. That is obviously a lie, as he called so many times, and no one would use a sex line for that, they would call a sex abuse help line.
Do you think with the large amount of calls he’s been making, he has just been having phone sex with people or do you think it’s likely he met up with at least one of them in person? Is this considered cheating? Is it not worth leaving him and our home and pets over? Do you think he did more than just talk on the phone? Please help!
Should I Stay or Should I Go
You ask some tough questions, and, unfortunately, my psychic abilities are only 50/50, so I don’t really have any definitive answers for you. But, at least I can let you know you are not alone. This isn’t the first time we’ve received a letter like yours.
There is no way to know for sure whether your husband did anything more than have phone sex with the other women, unless he comes out and admits it (or you hire a private detective). I don’t even think that the fact that he “saw escorts and went to massage parlours” means that he is definitely physically betraying you with women he met on the sex chat line. It does seem possible, given that history, that he might think that phone sex is not a betrayal.
Of course, the “I thought it was a Pizza Parlour!” or “I just wanted a Mah Jong partner!” lines can only stretch so far. (In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t yet snapped. We’re fully capable of snapping on your behalf, if you’d like. Just the other day, Kristine went loco on a stranger in the middle of Best Buy when he rolled his eyes at his girlfriend. She’s available next Tuesday, if that works for you.)
Regardless, you clearly feel betrayed by his behavior, and you need to let him know that you are not okay with it, and that it must stop. If he was actually a victim of sexual abuse as a child, that is something he needs to work out with a therapist, not a stripper named Chastity. If there is any prayer of saving your marriage, couples counseling is definitely in order. Only you can decide whether or not to remain in the relationship, but I can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be intimate with you and only you.
Best of luck,
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am having a big problem with my husband right now. We have only been married for 2 years. I’m 24 and have a 1 year old son with him. I started back at work and became good friends with my colleague Christina.
There was a staff party I was invited to and I went leaving the house guilt-ridden as my husband doesn’t seem to trust me when I’m out. We went to a bar afterwards while my husband was trying to contact me and my friend failed to pick up when he called her. He hates her now and doesn’t want me being freinds with her. I went to her house 2 weeks ago: harmless, right? He hated me going to her house and got all moody before I left. When I got there he called me and told me to come home as he needs to go to the shop. I told him I’m at my friend’s and we might go to the bar around the corner for 1 drink before heading home, and he responded that if I do he will leave my son in the house alone and that we will break up. He also threatened to punch my friend in the face.
I’ve told him he can’t make me choose between her and him as I love him but I also love my friends as I only have 2 friends and don’t socialize much. But he wants me to ditch her and I feel like he is ripping our marriage apart. I’m so frustrated and sad. I need some help.
Don’t Make Me Choose
Dear Don’t Choose,
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry because I am going to tell you something that will be unpleasant to hear: You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
You love your husband and he probably thinks he loves you, but he is treating you horribly, manipulating you, threatening you, and telling you that he will commit criminal acts (leaving a one year old home alone and assaulting your friend) if he does not get his way.
It is illegal and absolutely not how you deserve to be treated. No one deserves that kind of terrible treatment. And you are right to be upset. Because as adults there are many things that we have to do. We have responsibilities, we have to go to work, we have to pay taxes; but we also have privileges. And one of them is that we get to decide, all for ourselves, who our friends are. How dare your husband tell you that you can’t be friends with Christina! Because she didn’t pick up the phone? Because she offers you friendship? Because you get together with her occasionally for a party or a drink?
Your husband doesn’t like Christina because when you are with her, you are not with him. And that is threatening to him because it loosens his control over you. He may be one of these people who wants his partner to be isolated from the rest of the world. Does that sound healthy to you? Or maybe he genuinely doesn’t like Christina. Maybe he thinks she’s not smart, or boring. But guess what? He doesn’t have to be friends with her. You are not insisting that the three of you vacation together, nor are you imposing her on him on a regular basis.
You need to decide how you want to proceed. I recommend reading more about emotional abuse, starting with this, and seeking assistance. And believing that you deserve so much better.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m not a mom but I do babysit and take care of two little boys – one that is 3 and one that is 5. They play house and their father is worried about it. I’ve seen them play and it is a bit unusual. Is it okay to let them play or is this a sign of homosexual behavior?
Just Want Boys to be Boys
Dear Just Want Boys to be Boys,
You know what is unusual about two little boys playing house? Oh, I know. Absolutely nothing. Because some boys like to play with trucks. Some boys like bouncing balls. And some boys like to play house. And some boys like all of it.
My 2 1/2 year-old son spends countless hours preparing food in his play kitchen. And guess what, the kitchen is PINK. Did I make you faint? Am I worried about his behavior? No. I can only hope and pray that he grows up to be the next Mario Batali and I get a reservation every night at one of his four star restaurants.
In our society, a great husband is an equal partner when it comes to taking care of the home. For little boys to start exhibiting these skills early on is nothing but good news. Hey, give them a Dustbuster and get the house cleaned too!
By the way, you know what is a sign of homosexual behavior? When a little boy grows up to be a teenager and says to him mom and dad, “I’m gay.” Yup. That’s when you know. And then you hope he finds another great guy and they live happily ever after.
You and the children’s father should worry much less about these boys playing normal child games and focus on teaching them things like kindness, compassion and tolerance. Oh and how to make a delicious pappardelle with white truffles and parmigiano.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
To make a long story short, my mother-in-law has long history of ignoring personal boundaries. On multiple occasions she has tried to convert her son and me to her religion, told us to lose weight, and “diagnosed” us with new diseases. (Note: she has no formal medical training and our family doctors say we’re healthy.)
Due to this, we are understandably limiting contact with her. When we do see her, she will sometimes take hugs and kisses by cornering us and not taking no for an answer. I’ve literally been kissed (on the cheek) by this woman while backing away and saying, “no.”
Would it be okay for me to refuse to visit her? Is there any way to get a creepy person like this to *listen* to us?
Dear Kissed Off ,
Ah, the joys of the in-law relationship! I know very few people who find it easy to navigate, and I firmly believe that daughters-in-law get it *way* worse than sons-in-law. It’s like we are conditioned to be polite and take whatever our husbands’ mothers dish out. Fuck that noise! Your MIL sounds like a real peach. But, still, she raised your husband and you loved him enough to marry him, so she had to have done something right.
From your letter, it sounds like you and the hubs are on the same page, and that she’s driving you both nuts with her intrusions. So, why hasn’t he stepped up and dealt with it? The first line of defense is having your husband talk to her and lay down the law. He needs to tell her to mind her own business about your religion and keep her fat yap shut about your weight. Those two boundary-busters are the major offenses in my book. If he says he won’t do that, then you will need to do it yourself. As for the “diagnoses,” I would let that go. Make it something you and your husband laugh about. Or, make a game of it, and before visits, research obscure diseases, tell her you have the symptoms, and then see if she gets it right! Alternatively, anytime she starts telling you have this disease or the other, look at your husband, raise your glass, and say, “Drink!” I’m not sure I understand what is so awful about getting a hug and kiss on the cheek from her. If she was slipping you the tongue and copping a feel, it would be a different story, but if you are really bothered by her show of affection, the next time she comes in for the kill, tell her you have a cold.