12 Nov
Gone Fishin’

The Mouthy Housewives need a break. We’re pooped. Exhausted. T-I-R-E-D, tired, baby. (delicate yawn, kittenlike stretch)

You see, people, saving the world one piece of advice at a time while channeling Paul Ryan Gosling on Twitter is some damn hard work. Damn hard.  And between that and our other responsibilities as Hawaiian Tropic International suntan models and Junior Senators from the great state of Alaska, it’s left us completely drained.

So as of today, we’re going on an official hiatus for a couple of weeks. A real hiatus. Not one of those “hiatuses” Hollywood actresses take when they need to have some remodeling work done on their face. It’ll be just enough time to rest, relax and finally finish our dissertation on Facebook In-Law Problems for our Harvard PhD in Advice Givin’.

Now of course if you have some kind of advice emergency while we are gone (like you accidentally dye your unibrow pink or your mother-in-law takes up yoga and is suddenly showcasing camel toe), then by all means email us and we’ll immediately rip those Barry Manilow CD’s out of Wendi’s hands and tell her to get writing. But remember, it’s got to be a REAL emergency because we Mouthy Housewives need a holiday.

And we aren’t gone forever. We will absolutely be back in time to let you know what to do when your sister INSISTS you buy her a cat a holiday present. And not just some lame catnip. But until then, ciao. xo

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08 Nov
I Hate Cleaning

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a mom and stay at home with my almost 3 year old daughter. My problem is that while I LOVE spending time with my baby, I absolutely hate all household chores that SAHMS are often expected to perform. I’m not interested in dusting, cleaning, laundry, straightening up or especially vacuuming. We have  someone who comes twice a week, but my mother thinks that I’m not doing my job as a stay at home mom if I hire someone to do the cleaning. My husband doesn’t care either way. Am I wrong to hire someone?

Signed,

Please Don’t Make Me Vacuum
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Dear Please Come Over and Vacuum My Place,

I’m not sure how taking care of your baby and cleaning the house ever got meshed together, but my hat is off to you for ending that nonsense. (Confession: I wasn’t wearing a hat.)

Personally, I don’t like to clean and I’m not good at it. When I do clean out of necessity, I don’t find it relaxing, satisfying or rewarding. Know what I find relaxing, satisfying and rewarding? A massage. A good massage. And maybe a foot rub. A mani/pedi. But not cleaning.

If you couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean, we’d have a very different situation on our hands (and one that I would gladly pass off to my sister wife Wendi, the Mouthy in Charge of Cleanliness is Next to Godliness), but since your question is merely whether it’s ok for you to hire someone to do a job that you are not interested in, my resounding answer is OMG, YES. Especially if you have someone working for you who you trust and who’s doing a good job, and you and your husband are happy with it.

The fact that your mother seems to think that this should be your responsibility has nothing to do with your life. It’s possible that in her day and age women were expected to do certain things while they remained at home, but in our defense, that was before the invention of the DVR and the internet.

So, enjoy your time with your daughter! And leave the cleaning to the professionals.

Yours in Jealousy,

Marinka, TMH

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07 Nov
Political Signs Make Bad Neighbors

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

When the 2012 election is finally over, is it acceptable to go destroy my neighbor’s yard signs? They’re for a candidate I voted against and I’ve looked at them (the signs, sometimes the neighbors) with hatred for six total months. Please say it’s okay to go get medieval on them signs.

Signed,

Atilla the Hun

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Dear Atilla,

This certainly has been a particularly divisive election, what with the political climate charged with things like uteri, employment, war, and Big Bird. In fact, a friend was just lamenting that half of her family unfriended her on Facebook because of her political status updates. But good riddance, right? (Unless it was wealthy Uncle Bob, in which case it’s time to repent.)

With your neighbors, however, it can be even trickier ground to navigate since they’re, like, real-life people and not just fake Internet ones. For this reason, I would caution you against destroying their signs with a midnight shock-and-awe campaign. Unless, of course, you have a really awesome plan that would frame that crotchety couple across the block that no one likes anyway, because it’d basically be a victimless crime. Mostly.

Plus, you should seize this opportunity to teach your children a lesson about tolerance. Or maybe just maturity. Do your best to get yourself and all your like-minded friends out to the polls next time, and take comfort in the sense of gratification you get from rocking the vote and working hard to get your political ideals into positions of power! Success is the best revenge, right?

Oh, who am I kidding. Kick those damn signs in, blame it on the dog, and then bake them a cake laced with Visine.

It’s the American Way.

Love,

Kristine, TMH

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06 Nov
Welcome to the No Sex Club! Did You Bring Snacks?

Today we’re very happy to welcome one of Wendi’s IRL BFFs OMG Maria Escamilla! Maria just started a blog called Postcards From Texas and regularly writes very funny things on there. Well, she does when she’s not at the movies with Wendi yelling, “Boo!” and throwing popcorn at the Glenn Beck ads, anyway. Thank you for your advice today, Maria!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband and I were married 6 years ago, when we were both in our early 20s and really hot. I had a baby 6 months ago and still have some weight to lose. I don’t feel very hot by any means now.

We’ve always had a great sex life, but I currently have no sex drive for my husband at all. I don’t know if it’s my hormones or what, but I don’t find myself attracted to him. He’s grown a beard and gained about 90 lbs. in the last 18 months. Like I said, I’m not the hottest little thing either, but this is just uncharted territory. Any advice? We’ve only made love a handful since the baby was born.

Signed,

In a Pickle

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Dear In a Pickle,

First of all, congratulations and welcome to the “No Sex Club”! I myself have been a card carrying member for the last 10 years and honey, it ain’t that bad! Accept it. Move On. In fact, move on to Comfort Theme Nights such as: “Snuggle Under Our Matching Snuggies Night” or “Massage My Feet While They Are Resting on Your Belly Night.”

I realize that those aren’t as exciting as newlywed sex games like “The Plumber and the Distressed Housewife” where your husband asks you what number pipe you need inserted into your deep sink. But I’m sorry to say that those games are over for you for about 13 years. Because that’s when your baby will have grown into a sullen teenager who’ll hunker down in his room while you and your husband moan as loud two feral cats in heat. That’s the beauty of teenagers; they don’t give a shit!

You don’t owe it to your husband to give him sex either, especially after you pushed out a baby 6 months ago. You most likely also pushed out any romantic feelings you had for him when you noticed he saw your placenta and all that other gunk that came out of your vagina. Who would feel romantic after that? Let him have his Beard and Belly Teddy Bear phase and in 13 years, here is what you do: start to sign up for marathons, train together, get sweaty together, get gorgeous and fit together, then go have mad sex in a Porta-Potty after running 23 miles. It will be such a high, you won’t even believe you two used to be in the “No Sex Club.”

Good luck girl!

Maria Escamilla, Guest TMH

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05 Nov
You Win Some, You Lose Some (even when you’re six)

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My first grade kid is in the midst of class elections. His teacher is really doing it up: primaries, debates, interviews, three tickets of kids on different platforms. Some parents, all of whom tend to be a bit more serious than my own mouthy self, have suggested that this is too much stress for the kids. They think it’s too devastating to lose and that the teacher should turn this into making up referenda for the school instead. I think the way the teacher has set up the process is a lot of work but a great learning opportunity. I also think she has done a great job preparing the kids for possibly losing. My kid says that everyone in class looks forward to Social Studies because they are all so into the elections. I want to write back the other parents and say, “Settle down,” but I fear being the lone dissenter to the dissent.

Signed,

Electoral Coddle-ge

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Dear Electoral Coddle-ge,

It took me a while to be able to respond, because I was having too much fun imagining a debate between three 1st graders. You know, the kid who runs on sugary snacks, extra recess and longer nap-times is totally pandering.

Anyway. About these other parents. I am with you sister. These kids are going through this exercise during one of the most contentious presidential races in history. If the point is to teach them how it all works, their election should mirror the actual process as closely as possible. Demand to see birth certificates! Who paid less taxes on their allowance! Which kid believes in choice time, and which one only believes in choice time when the life of the teacher is at stake?! Huh? Oh. Hmmm. Sorry. Got  a little carried away there.

Yes, I am sure the kids that lose in this election will be upset. What’s so wrong with that?  The sooner the parents help their kids manage that, and teach them that there’s always the next election, or the next game, the better off they will be. As far as you speaking up and letting your opinion be known, I think with the right approach, you could come across as the voice of reason. Point out what a positive experience it will be for the kids, and perhaps give examples of actual politicians who lost their first elections and then went on to win later.

May the best kid win!

Karen, TMH

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