On Monday morning, AOL had this on their home page:
And a few question came to mind.
Like what’s with AOL not having access to apostrophes? Who’s “dying” to know about her baby? And how does one accidentally reveal their baby’s gender on Twitter?! Did Mr. Holly think he was writing in his secret diary and surprise! He posted it on Twitter instead?
Also, is “smoking mom” a description of Holly’s looks or what she was caught doing in the alley behind her OB/GYN’s office? But the biggest question we have is why do people think it’s okay to refer to a female fetus as a possible future bunny?
Maybe it’s the crazy idea that sexualizing children (and fetuses! and embryos!) is repulsive. Or that “a little boy or a little girl” would have gotten the gender message across just fine. But enough already.
Call a girl a girl. Without making her into a Playmate. Do you think you can do that AOL? No apostrophes required.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I take my son to preschool three days per week and I always arrive 15 – 20 mins early so he can play in the jungle gym before class. There is another mom there that always comes in early and we speak casually while watching the kids play. Well, I am 8 months pregnant and she asked when I was due. So I responded and then asked when she was due. She responded with “Oh, I am not pregnant.” I immediately apologized and said something stupid like “oh, I’m sorry I thought you were holding your belly.”
Ahhhh! I was so embarrassed and I feel horrible! I don’t know what to say to her the next time I see her! Please help.
Ahhhhh is right! Not the dreaded hey-are-you-pregnant-or-just-fat encounter! And by a fellow woman, no less! There are certain codes that women are sworn not to break. Allow me to refresh your memory, as it appears you seem to be in need:
1. Do not covet another woman’s husband.
2. Never eat the last chocolate.
3. Always speak up about errant broccoli sightings.
…and, of course never assume a woman is pregnant unless she’s wearing one of those obnoxious Carrying Precious Cargo t-shirts. (And even then, make sure she doesn’t have a dog in her purse.)
I, like everyone else who is reading this post today, here on The Mouthy Housewives, am sitting with a grimace on my face that has probably added several additional wrinkles to the area between my eyebrows. So, we thank you for that.
At the same time, however–now that you’ve been sufficiently browbeaten–I’m also kind of laughing because DUDE! You know the code of never-assume-a-woman-is-pregnant-no-matter-what-the-circumstances! And yet you choked! And now it’s awkward! AND THAT’S TOTALLY HILARIOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!
Go ahead, have yourself a chuckle; I swear it helps. I once told a small child that she was going to make a great PLAYGIRL when she grew up. (I don’t know.) We’ve all been there, sister.
Now that it’s done, however, you can only do one thing: apologize once more and bring a small gift (perhaps nothing sugar free, lest she read between the lines). Be totally over-the-top about it–it’s this crazy baby brain of mine! I have a rare form of Tourettes! I’m 8 months along and misery loves company!–but just do it this one time.
Once that’s done, you just have to wait until the next time you see her to see if it actually worked. Either she’s a even-keeled, reasonable person and will let it go, or she’ll remain awkward and distant and hate you forever.
You just can’t win them all.
Dear Mouthy Housewives Readers,
What do you do when you’re giving out advice left and right, solving problems and improving people’s lives when–all of a sudden–Mitt Romney picks Paul Ryan as his running mate?
Well, if you’re like us, you start a Paul Ryan Gosling Twitter account.
And then the Internet practically gives you a Nobel Peace Prize.
While we’re still waiting for the yachts, champagne, and Binders Full of Men that we naturally assume comes with such recognition, we have received many flattering write-ups from the following online publications and news outlets:
…and many more!
We just wanted to fill our favorite fans in on the big news. But don’t worry: we won’t forget you on our way to the top (of the Secret Service’s Most Wanted list.)
The Mouthy Housewives
Wendi, Kelcey, Kristine, Marinka and Karen
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Are there any Halloween costumes for women that aren’t “slutty?” I’m a married woman in my 40’s and want something fun, but not sleazy. Help!
No Fishnets Please
Dear No Fishnets Please,
You’re a married woman in your 40’s who doesn’t want to look slutty? Then obviously you don’t live on my street, baby, BOOM! In your face, moms with cleavage! You’re not so hot, you Bunco losers!
Anyway, you came to the right person with this question because I’m known for dressing in TOTALLY unsexy Halloween costumes. Like the time in college I went as “a Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 20’s I went as “an older Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 30’s when I went as…well, you get the idea. Let’s just say that Mrs. Aarons used to own a few tie-dye and hemp shirts.
But fear not, my little prude, because I have many other ideas for you! In fact, there’s a whole world of costumes out there besides Skanky Kitty. Like this one:
Photo via Crushable.com
Can you feel that steam heat? Simply put on a bowling shirt, a newsboy cap, a neck pillow and a wrist brace and suddenly you’re Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids! Hilarious, right? (Just don’t poop in the sink because that’s what we in the image consulting business call “overkill.”)
Or how about this unsexy costume?
Yeah, that’s right: a Wal-Mart Greeter! Except you wouldn’t be an old white guy with a $5 haircut. Just slap on a blue polyester vest, some stupid propaganda buttons and yell, “Good mornin’!” to everyone you see and you’ll be the hit of the party! Trust me, your weird neighbor Gary won’t even think you’re hot. Especially if you take the extra step of smelling like day-old bread and Gold Bond Powder. Gross!
(Also, it should be noted that when I Googled “Wal-Mart employee image,” 99% of the results were mug shots. All I’m saying is that that shit don’t happen at Target.)
Speaking of shit, here’s a costume I found at SpicyLegs.com, whose slogan is “Sexy Made Easy.” Yes, right next to Sexy Marge Simpson was this baby:
Get it? “Holy Shit.” It’s a piece of…with angel…and a crossssss….anyway, it’s not slutty, so you’ll definitely have your modesty in this costume. What you won’t have is friends, dignity, class or wit, but life is all about the give and take, my man. So hold your head high while everyone else is holding their noses.
If none of those work, just let me know. I have a few hemp skirts I can send you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A friend recently confided something in me and it’s really bothering me. I want to discuss the issue with my husband, but I suspect that she would not like that. I don’t want to burden her further by asking her outright if it’s okay to tell him, so I was thinking of telling him and swearing him to secrecy. Is this terrible?
My Husband Really Isn’t Anybody Anyway
Dear My Husband Really Isn’t Anybody Anyway,
OMG!! What is the secret? Is she having an affair with her office coffee cart guy? Did she embezzle loads of cash from the PTO? Did she lie about her skill level when she signed up for her tennis clinic? I’m dying to know. How could you write in and not give us the scoop?
Ah, well. I’m going to just assume it’s that tennis one.
I think when it comes to a friend’s secret, women often do tell their husbands and then you know what happens? A few months later, the wife says to her husband, “Remember when I secretly told you that the Smiths were having problems and possibly divorcing?” And 4 out 0f 5 times (about the same number who chew Trident), the husband will say, “What? You never told me that.” And of course you did but the guy was too busy watching Homeland or eating buffalo wings or trimming his toenails to pay attention.
In the end, you sort of have to gauge whether it’s okay to share this secret with your husband. Are you concerned about your friend? Do you need him to weigh in on how you should handle it? Then I would go ahead and share it with him, especially if you are confident he will keep the secret and it’s really bothering you. But if you are just feeling gossipy and dying to tell someone that your friend has been flirting with an ex-boyfriend online who also just happens to be a washed up 80s TV child star, well then keep your mouth shut.