Excuse us, but we’re old. The average age of our children is 5.3 years (note: Marinka was in charge of the math on that one and she claims that her “superpower is guesstimating.”) But because we’re out of the first birthday celebration business, we may be a bit behind the times. So help us, please.
We hear there’s a new Smash Cakes fad, yes? And by “new” we mean for the past couple of years. Like we said, we’re old and don’t always know what’s going on with the youngsters.
But from what we understand, smash cakes are made by parents who have enough time on their hands to not only make one cake to eat, but one cake that’s just given to the birthday baby as a Smash Cake. Wilton even has a special recipe for one.
A Smash Cake is a beautiful cake that the kid will smash, lick, paw and otherwise destroy. Sort of the snuff film of cakes, if you will.
We are confused by this.
First, we don’t understand why a one year old must be have an entire cake for his/herself. Doesn’t this set him up for a lifetime of disappointment? Because listen, buddy, the only time you’re getting a whole cake to yourself is if you score an Entenmann’s at the local deli or lock your mother in her closet on her birthday. And it makes us weepy to see all of that baked goodness go to waste. Sniff. (Also, we love this tip from TLC.com: “Brightly colored cake frosting makes a great looking cake, but the food dye can stain skin for a couple of days and wreck havoc on your clothes and upholstery. If you want to keep the destruction at a minimum, stick with white frosting for easier cleanup.“)
Second, we don’t understand why these parents aren’t a bit more concerned about the crazy sugar high that the kids get. We’re getting our blood sugar checked after just watching some of the videos online. It’s like seeing the final scene in Scarface, only instead of a giant mound of cocaine, it’s cake and nobody has machine guns. Yikes.
Third, why not give a kid a regular from-the-box cake or a $5.99 cake from the local supermarket? (Or one from across town, if you’re in the 1%.) Why go all out with a fancy schmancy cake?
It’s about the parents, isn’t it?
It’s because they want an awesome recording of their child’s first birthday and what better way than through cake annihilation and tons and tons of photos to put on Facebook? Ah.
Now we get it.
Are you a mom? Do you like to laugh? And drink? And laugh and drink? Then, boy do we have the book for you! Introducing “Mommy Mixology: A Cocktail for Every Calamity” by Friend of the Mouthies (FOTM) Janet Frongillo!
Janet lives in New Hampshire and writes the very funny blog Muffin Top Mommy when she’s not chasing after her three boys. I think Janet is a wonderful person and I’m not just saying that because she once bought me a bottle of wine and a corkscrew in Dayton, Ohio. I’m saying that because she didn’t even ask me to share the wine with her. Now that’s a lady, people.
Anyway, Mommy Mixology is a super fun book and it’s perfect for anyone who owns both young children and a wet bar. There are 60 themed drinks in five categories: Conception, Baby, Toddler, Preschool and Kindergarten. (I guess she knows from being friends with me that after your kids are in Kindergarten, you don’t bother with cute cocktails and just swig from a flask hidden in your yoga pants.)
As the mother of two boys, my favorite recipe in the book is The Penis Colada, which Janet created after having a cringe-worthy conversation with her young son in a public restroom stall. Other fabulous cocktails include the No!Jito, The Mamakaze Bomb Drop, the Harvey Wallpainter and The Mouthy Muchacho. (ahem) Each recipe is very simple to follow and includes a funny story from Janet and a cool photograph.
And here’s the big news: she’s giving away a copy of her book to THREE lucky readers! Simply leave a comment with a reason you need a cocktail (or a mocktail) to enter and we’ll pick the winners at random. (Contest closes Monday, 10/1/12.)
Thanks, Janet and bottoms up!
If you went to BlogHer this year, you would have see this super gorgeous redhead running around. And if looking like Princess Ariel isn’t enough, Shari (AKA Dusty Earth Mother) is also an extremely funny, talented writer. And did we mention she’s super nice?! Man, it’s exhausting just naming all her amazing qualities. The Mouthy Housewives are delighted to have Shari guest posting today and in return are happy to house sit her adorable pugs anytime. As long as they walk themselves and eat bon bons for dinner.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My best friend and I have been friends for 25 years. She has never married and hasn’t really dated anyone for a couple of years. Lately she has started seeing married men. When all this started she asked me how I felt about it and I just told her that she’s an adult and can make her own decisions.
The problem is that she keeps telling me all the gory details about what she’s doing with these loser guys. I’m happily married and can’t help but be sympathetic toward their wives. At this point is it too late to tell my friend that I think what she’s doing is disgusting? I really value her friendship and don’t want to lose her.
My Best Friend is Gross, But I Still Love Her
Dear My Best Friend is Gross,
Yep, this is a tricky situation. This is trickier than just telling your friend she has spinach in her teeth. Trickier than telling her she has toilet paper on her shoe. Trickier than telling her she’s disgusting for sleeping with married men. Oh. Wait. It’s not trickier than that.
So! Let’s practice, shall we? Let’s imagine a conversation between you and another random single woman participating in a perhaps unwise affair with a married man.
YOU: Okay, something’s been bothering me for a while and I need to talk to you about it.
ALEX FORREST, GLENN CLOSE’S CHARACTER FROM “FATAL ATTRACTION”: Oh, what is it?
YOU: Well, it’s… um… can you put that down? It’s distracting me.
ALEX: *chopping onions with foot-long butcher knife* But then how can I make you your favorite omelet for our weekly girls’ brunch that we’ve been doing for 25 years?
YOU: Uh… 25 years. We’ve been friends a long time.
ALEX: Yes, we have. Even though you went off and got happily married and I’m alone and bereft and my reproductive organs are drying up. *lifts rabbit from small cage next to stove, wrings its neck, drops it into boiling water, adds bay leaf* So what did you want to talk about?
YOU: Well… I should have said this a long time ago… I just don’t think it’s right for you to be sleeping with Michael Douglas’s character Dan Gallagher. He’s married and I can’t help but feel badly for—what are you doing?
ALEX: *turns lamp on* I just want to see– *turns lamp off* –if the person who’s saying this– *turns lamp on* –and judging me– *turns lamp off* — — is really my friend of 25 years– *turns lamp on*
YOU: Stop it! It’s because I’m your friend that I’m saying this! And I’m not judging you! Well, except for wearing that white dress with no bra, because it makes your nipples all weird and pokey, but other than that, this is not a judgment!
ALEX: *pouring hydrochloric acid on western omelet* I’m lonely! You can’t understand that because you have someone!
YOU: That’s not true! I do understand! You think that just because I’m married, I’m not lonely at times?! — *cell phone rings* –oh, crap, it’s the emergency room, one of my kids—
ALEX: *stabbing herself in leg with oniony butcher knife while unscrewing lightbulb from lamp and sticking finger into socket while licking acid from melted cast-iron pan* I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, BREEDER!
YOU: Okay, okay! Listen. I just think… you’re better than this. And you deserve better. And so does Anne Archer’s character Beth Gallagher. Oh, honey, I wouldn’t be your real friend if I didn’t tell you the truth. Because I love you.
ALEX: *cries, vomits partially disintegrated small intestine into kitchen pail* You’re so right. I’m going to reconsider kidnapping Ellen Latzen’s character Ellen Gallagher for a roller coaster ride and ice cream. Thank you for helping me to see myself clearly. I love you, too.
See how easy that was?! And if the conversation can go that well with a borderline personality bunny-boiling psychotic, think of what a snap it will be with your mere homewrecking friend! But even if you choose to go another route with this convo, you gotta speak up. For her sake, for your sake and for the sake of sisterhood. ‘Cause women are supposed to have each other’s backs, yo.
Dusty Earth Mother, Guest TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I was so happy that my kids went back to school last month that in a moment of weakness I volunteered to be class mom. I figured it would be a good way to stay involved with the school and how hard could it be? Well, two months later, I’m ready to quit. There are nonstop emails from the PTA and other parents in the class. There are snack sign-up sheets, supplies that need to be bought and more coordinating than I could ever imagine.
It’s taking up too much of my time and I hate it.
Is there a nice way to quit or will it brand me forever?
Reluctant Class Mom
So you didn’t heed the warning of million of class moms that came before you. You didn’t believe their cries of pain and desperation as they sat through PTA meetings, organized potluck dinners and lived through the terror of “reply all” while sending an email to a friend complaining about SOME PEOPLE in the class who make life IMPOSSIBLE for the rest of us.
You thought your sisters in classmomhood were exaggerating, didn’t you? You thought it couldn’t be that bad? Or perhaps you felt too good with your kids being back at school and out of the house that you had to tempt fate a bit, eh?
But all that is prologue, or as we say in the advice column business, the first three paragraphs of the advice column, assuming the first “So” counts as a standalone paragraph.
Now that you are Class Mom and less than thrilled about, you have some options:
1. Move. This has the obvious advantage that if you move out of the district (and preferably out of state) you will no longer be class mom. Some disadvantages of the move include having to move and the possibility that once your kids are enrolled in the new school, you’ll be so euphoric about it that you’ll re-volunteer to be class mom again. Some lessons are tougher to learn than others, I’m afraid.
2. Claim confusion. As in “CLASS Mom?! I thought I was volunteering for ASS Mom!” Very few people can pull this off, so let me know if you need an ass double if you try this.
3. Stick it out. Is it possible that it will get better? Perhaps after the initial emailing/coordinating frenzy everyone will calm the hell down and focus on Dancing with the Stars like normal people?
4. Trap a friend. Ask a friend or two in the class to be co-class mom(s) with you. Misery loves company but also, the division of labor will make for a lighter load. (It’s like I’m a mathematician or something.) Needless to say, you will need to have regular margaritas-fueled meetings to discuss class mom business. As a matter of fact, invite her out for margaritas when you ask her. (And trap her after she’s had a few.)
5. Quit. I see this as a last resort, but if you absolutely, positively can’t stand to do this job for one more millisecond, let the powers in charge know and offer to help them find a replacement.
Good luck with your decision! And great news, there are only about 8 more months of school left!
Have you noticed that some stores are already putting out their Christmas and holiday items? Have you already started fretting and fussing about the oppression?
If so, then, well…maybe you should up your meds? But if not, then we have JUST the thing that will throw you over the edge: The annual Sears Holiday Wishbook. Why? Because this year, they’ve added a new product line to the catalog of toys and clothes and gadgets that little boys and girls peruse with big hopes and even bigger eyes, and they’ve placed that product right after the Superhero Section. Ready?
According to a Sears spokesperson, the choice to shill these decidedly adult-themed items to young girls is TOTALLY COOL because the Playboy Bunny has become “mainstream” and doesn’t necessarily “mean” what it “used to.” (I imagine she was doing “air quotes” as she released this statement.) A CEO of Sears Canada further explained this OMFG way by saying that they didn’t mean to offend anyone but that “not all of the products we carry are always going to be pleasing to everyone.”
And that got us Mouthys thinking. Maybe that CEO is right! Maybe we need to just “get over it already” and “stop being so sensitive” and just “be cool with the fact that tweens are viewed as sex objects!” So we’ve come up with a list of more items that Sears should consider adding to the toy section of its Wishlist for next year.
1. Adderall Lollipops
2. Maxim Backpacks
3. 50 Shades of Gray Lunchboxes
4. The Heidi Fleiss Hotpants Line
5. Hooters Headbands
6. Jenna Jameson skin care lotion
7. Anal beads inspired necklaces
8. Girls Gone Wild training bras
9. Baby’s First Pasties
10. …and a full sleeve tattoo with every $100 purchase!
What do you readers think about the new Sears Playboy line?