21 Aug
Advice to a Loose Woman

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m recently divorced with two kids and am looking to get back into sexual relations with another man. My issue is that after kids, a small man (my ex) doesn’t give me any pleasure down there. Do I have to find a horse man or are there techniques to get tighter? Please help.

Signed,

Lefty Loosey

___________________________

Dear Lefty Loosey,

My, what a charming letter! It’s so rare that I hear from a lady with a vagina the size of a one-bedroom apartment!

Apartment

apartment

apartment…..

(Excuse me, but I think your vagina might be echoing. Can you put some Tupperware over that gaping chasm while we talk? Thank you!)

Now, on to your question! Do I think you need to find a “horse man” to satisfy you? Hmmmmm. You mean like this guy?

Photo from venetic.com

I don’t know, babe. The Godfather kind of made sleeping with a horse head on the next pillow look waayyyyy unsexy, know what I mean? Plus he might steal money from your purse to buy a dime bag of sugar cubes and leave you at the track for some hot young mare with an overbite. But maybe you’re actually thinking of this kind of horse man:

Photo via wholesalehalloweencostumes.com

What a hottie! Seriously, just roll your body in some oats and it’s party time with this dude! Whooo hooo! Pleasure city, baby! Oh, wait. Hold on. Upon closer examination, it seems that this particular horse man doesn’t appear to have any, um, horse junk, so let’s just move on. Neigh! Now, what about these studly horsemen?

Photo via leavingmedicare.com

Yep, there are FOUR of them! In fact, they’re the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Made out of Legos! Wait, what the f&%k? Why do we have apocalyptic Legos? Who the hell is responsible for this? The Danish? Crazy socialists. We’re going to have kids sitting in their playrooms, sobbing their eyes out while they fill out their last will and testament now! Not good. Not good at all.

Well, looks like that horse man thing doesn’t seem to be happening, so here’s my one word advice to you, Loosey: Kegels.

Kegels….

Kegels…..

Kegels….

You’re welcome!

Wendi, TMH

 

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20 Aug
Smarter Parenting With Smartphones

The Mouthy Housewives are a chatty bunch, so our commitment to our smartphones is no surprise. What was a surprise is how quickly Marinka leapt to her feet, pushed the other Housewives out of the way and said, “I got this one,” when an opportunity to review the LG Connect 4G Android smartphone and MetroPCS, the nation’s most affordable 4G LTE service came up. The other Mouthy Housewives don’t know what hit them. (It was Marinka’s elbow as she grabbed the phone.)

Here’s what she has to say about it:

My kids are 11 and 14, and I simply can’t imagine parenting them without a smartphone. We are in contact throughout the day at my request/insistence, including a quick text announcing their arrival once they reach school. My daughter keeps in contact with me when she’s leaving school, whether to go to a friend’s house or the gym or after-school team sport practice. My son texts me from playdates and sleepovers, checking in with me periodically. I find that kind of ability to keep in touch a safety feature. And because I know my kids will be checking in by text, they have more autonomy than I may have otherwise given them.

I have no idea how my parents raised me without a smartphone. Checking in is teaching my kids responsibility, but it also helps maintain a connection between us during days we don’t see each other until later in the day. There are days when the texts are flying; we are making plans for the weekend, looking forward to vacation, or even my favorite, “What’s for dinner?” followed by an implied groan. But as much as I love my smartphone, I don’t want to pay a lot for it, because let’s face it, it takes a lot of cash to make my hair this blonde.

And for reasons I still don’t understand, cash doesn’t grow on trees. So I love the fact that MetroPCS has the nation’s most affordable 4G LTE plan, starting at $40, with taxes and regulatory fees included. In fact, if you go for the MetroPCS LG Connect 4G and the $70 plan, you can save nearly $750 a year with MetroPCS’s no-contract 4G LTE in comparison to the Verizon Wireless LG Lucid.

The phone itself is gorgeous — the LG Connect 4G is an Android with a crystal-clear 4” touchscreen that is great for viewing pictures, video, and browsing online content. And for receiving texts from your children with things like, “Forgot my lunch. Bring to school now. Hungry.” Even if you get the text while in the process of getting highlights.

What about you? How often do you keep in touch with your kids via your smartphone? Is it mostly text or phone calls? Let me know for a chance to win a $100 Visa Gift Card.

The sweepstakes will run 8/20 to 9/20. Rules: No duplicate comments. You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods: a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post b) Tweet about this promotion and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry. This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to us, otherwise a new winner will be selected. The Official Rules are available here. This sweepstakes runs from 8/20 to 9/20.

Be sure to visit the MetroPCS brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

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17 Aug
The Mouthy Housewives BlogHer 12 Party: A Good Time Was Had By All!

Good news! We’re finally recovered enough from our epic Come As You Are Party at BlogHer 12 in New York City to tell you all about it! Well, most of us are recovered. Kelcey is still sore from strapping on her tool belt to build our amazing advice wheel.

She was doing okay, but then Kristine had to jump in to help and then Marinka had to run out to buy SuperGlue and a screwdriver and then Wendi had to blast some Manilow to keep everyone calm. Whew! Sisters be doing it for themselves! Here’s the finished Mouthy Housewives advice wheel at our party:

We helped so many people with our advice that night. Sigh. It is our calling.

Anyway, in case you don’t know, BlogHer12 is the largest women’s blogging conference in the world. The world! And this year there were 5,000 women (and 12 men) in attendance at the New York Hilton. It was wild. We were addressed via Skype by President Obama, then Katie Couric and Martha Stewart each gave a lunch keynote talk. See? Wild!

But the best part of the whole weekend was, of course, our official Come As You Are party that we co-hosted with Aiming Low. We shared one big party room, but we each had our own side so it was like two, two, two parties in one! Our side went with the theme of PINK and we had pink cotton candy, pink gumballs, pink cupcakes, and, most important, pink cheeks from drinking too many pink Mouthy-tinis. (Which were made with a 50 year old recipe of Wendi’s parents.) (Who now want a cut of all our future merchandising plans.)

Ummm, tastes like pink! We also had an awesome photobooth and gave away not only Mouthy Housewives oven mitts and super cute magnets from BuildASign.com, but bags of pink gumballs. (That a certain Mouthy Housewife named Kelcey kept telling everyone were actually anal beads.) (Which isn’t something you should tell a group of women who just cleaned the Trojan booth out of 4,000 vibrators in a single day.) (Please don’t sue us if you used your gumball the wrong way.)

Thank you to everyone who came by to say “hi,” at the party and for all of the nice things you’ve all said about it. We appreciate it more than you know. And our biggest thanks go to the wonderful women at BlogHer who invited us to join in on their fun. It was a total blast and we love that we got to be a part of the NYC conference.

Now, here are the four Mouthy Housewives in all their Housewife sash glory:

(Marinka’s a little sensitive about her lip injections, so don’t say anything.)

Now the best news of all: Our fabulous friend Jennifer Lee of Jennifer Lee Photography put together a gorgeous slideshow of all the pictures she took at the party! We are so lucky to have such a talented friend like her and we thank her from the bottoms of our pink little hearts. And if you watch the show all the way to the end, you can click on the last link and download any or all of the photos to keep! Thank you Jennifer!

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16 Aug
I Don’t Raise Your Kids So Why Are You Watering My Plants?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Is it normal for people to empty their glasses of water that they don’t want to finish into houseplants, by way of watering them. My friend did that when she was at my house and I thought it was weird but didn’t say anything. Should I have?

Signed,

WTF?

______________________________

Dear WTF,

Honestly, I feel like your question is one of those tricky word problems where the teacher gives you all this extra information in an effort to confuse you. In other words, we could boil this all down to one fundamental inquiry which I would rephrase as such:

My friend did something weird; should I say something?

Girlfriend, the very PURPOSE of dealing with maintaining these interpersonal relationships we call friendships is to make fun of them when they do something strange! OF COURSE YOU SAY SOMETHING!

How you say it, of course, is simply dependent upon your comedic abilities, timing, and ability to think on the spot. For example, any of the following approaches would have worked effectively, I believe.

[Friend pours water into plant.]
You: GOD, NO! THAT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER’S AFRICAN VIOLET!

[Friend pours water into plant.]
You: Um, that’s fake, you nimrod.

[Friend pours water into plant.[
You: Ah, thank you gracious Hegemone.

[Friend pours water into plant.]
You: What the hell are you doing?

Certainly it’s not a big deal, but if nothing else, I’d just want to hear the story behind the odd habit of hers. Did she grow up during the Dust Bowl? Is this a result of some sort of backwash phobia? Does she simply think of you as a neglectful house plant owner?

Unless, of course, she is simply a eco-conscious or generally thoughtful, in which case she’s probably just “being a good person” or something and questioning her will likely make you “look like an ass.”

Choose carefully!

Kristine, TMH

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14 Aug
You Did What To the Couch?!!!! Alternate Title: How To Get Sunscreen Off Your Couch. Like Now.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My son wrote all over the seats of my leather couch with a sunscreen stick for the face. Please help!!! How do I get it off?

Signed,

My Guests Don’t Need Sunscreen on their Asses

____________________________

My Guests Don’t Need Sunscreen on their Asses,

Wow. I bet that leather couch was pricey. But isn’t it nice to know that if your couch decides to go outside and get some fresh air, it is wearing a proper SPF? (Too soon to joke?)

I figured you were not the first person to have this problem, so I pulled out the old Encyclopedia Britannica and boy, did I find a variety of answers! How on earth did we all survive before we had a set of those encyclopedias at our fingertips?!

What I found out is there are a bunch of different techniques you can try…

One suggestion is to cover the area with baking soda which will apparently suck up the sunscreen. Leave on for 15 minutes and then use a wet towel to clean it off.

If this doesn’t work, swear fiercely (without your son in the room) and then go find your toothpaste. Any flavor, although I’ve always favored mint.  Put toothpaste over the area, let it sit for a few minutes and then scrub the toothpaste into the couch.  Wipe off with a wet towel.

Is there still a stain? Dammit. Well, come on, it was toothpaste.  You didn’t think that would really work, did you?!

Okay, now rub a few drops of dishwashing liquid into the spot. Wait one minute (the same length of time as your husband dedicates to foreplay) and then wipe off with a damp cloth or pantyhose. Of course, since it’s not 1986, you might not have a pair of spare pantyhose, so maybe just the cloth.

If none of this BS works, then apparently there are special degreasers you can buy especially for leather. And if all else fails, invest in a nice throw blanket. Please let us know what works because it’s just a matter of time before my son breaks into the sunscreen stash and tries this too.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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