31 Aug
Hey Bic, We Can Improve Your New Pen For Women!

Like most of you, The Mouthy Housewives have been applauding and celebrating Bic for recently introducing a pen just for women! Finally, we women can stop struggling with those pens made for Man Hands.

Kudos, Bic, for being a pioneer in the field of equal pen rights. It is because of your ingenuity that women can finally have pen equality. And we can only hope that this trend will continue. In fact, maybe consider changing the name. Because if someone says, “My Bic pen is-” it sounds like she’s saying “My big penis-” And that’s just not write.

But come on, Bic, think of ways that you can make your pen really for women. Freud may not have known what women want, but you certainly do.

Here, we’ll help you along.

1. A bronzer and lip gloss right in the cap for those times you need a touch up before your man comes home.

2. Use the pen to write your own prescriptions for Prozac because we all know ladies are constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

3. In a bind, the pen can double as a tampon. (Discard after use, ladies!)

4. Has a built-in safety devices that causes it to stop working when a douche bag asks you to write down your number.

5. Smooth tip makes it easy to write your future married name over and over and over again.

6. Can be stuck behind ear to help give you that “smart” look.

7. Bubble dotting “i” and “j” is easier than ever!

8. Ink turns to blood when writing checks. Numbers are scary.

9. Budget balancing is more exciting with the vibrating tip!

Thank you, Bic. Thank you for all you’ve done for womenfolk. With your product in our hands, the future looks a lot brighter.

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30 Aug
On Loss, Grief and Picking Up the Pieces

It’s Guest Post Thursday! Hooray! And today we have one of my very favorite people, the very smart, very wise, very fun Laurie White. Laurie is a truly gifted writer and photographer and can be found at Laurie Writes or on Twitter as @lauriewrites. She also has a counseling background and recently gave amazing advice about life changes on BlogHer. Today she takes on a sad, serious issue for us and we’re truly grateful for her help. Thanks, Laurie! — Wendi

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am in a position I never thought I would be in. My sister just died in a tragic accident while paddle boarding with my youngest niece. She left behind two girls (ages 11 and 12) and a husband. It was just the two of us kids and she was my best friend as well as my sister. Due to a failed marriage with control issues, I missed a good portion of the girls’ young lives, but I have been fairly active in their lives for the last 3-4 years. They love me, I adore them, and I know we will make it through this. I have two boys (ages 8 and 10) and know very little about raising girls. I am not their mother and I don’t ever want to replace her, but I do know that they will have needs and questions and it will naturally fall to me and my mother to answer and help. I need advice or resources of how to help them through their grief (we do have a therapist we are working with) and feelings during such a major shift in normalcy as well as how to help them without overstepping my bounds!

Signed,

Missing My Sissy

_________________________

Dear Missing My Sissy,

Oh my God. I am so sorry. First of all, I want to make sure that you feel supported after such a terrible loss. You say “we” are working with a therapist, so I’m trusting that you are in there talking this out for you, too. You know that thing about putting on your own mask first when the air pressure drops? Totally true, and not just in cases of pointless plane crash coping mechanisms (like I’d remember what to pull on to make the floaty thing or the oxygen work? Nah. Also that Hudson River landing? Pretty sure we’ll never see anything like that again, that guy was pretty much a pilot from heaven so I immediately joined his Facebook fan page, but I digress.) You’ve basically been through the earthly equivalent of a crash, plus parenting your own kids, plus helping who knows who else. I know how you are, nice people like you. And if you’re not helping you…well, we want you standing upright when those girls need someone obnoxiously, awesomely taking pictures at high school graduation, so, yeah, do that. Please. I will sit here and wait.

Second of all, the fact that you want to be there for those girls in a positive way while minding their boundaries means that you are going to do that. Simple as that. Losing a parent is the worst at any age, but in adolescence, when the brains are already popping off in all kinds of crazy directions anyway, it’s hard to say how the processing goes. And grief? Five stages or whatever framework you use, it’s unpredictable at best, a hardened criminal with an axe to grind at worst, and it pretty much moves as it wants to. Grief is a jerk.The only way I can even begin to imagine to help with this one is to share what I think I may have wanted as a teenager in such a circumstance, combined in some strange way with what I may expect to hear if I were in your situation. My brain is a pretzel now, basically, but you are worth it, girl.

So this is what I humbly offer (with the caveat that I am not a licensed therapist,  and I am devastated just reading about two girls and a woman losing their mom and sister, so. Just know that I would like to be there to provide your preferred candy or wine, and drive you to school and/or work. I am SO SORRY.)

* First of all: Have a friend on speed dial. Call her. I see you, not calling her, and you need to. I don’t care if this is the one you think you burned out on the divorce. This is different, and she knows that, if she’s a cool person. You cannot do this alone. You could not do this without two teenaged nieces who just lost their mom, because this is your sister. You especially cannot now. Know her. Love her. Buy her wine or…oh my God, I can’t think of anything you’d have to give me, except nothing, but, whatever, have her.

* Don’t be afraid to talk to these girls about their Mom, but be willing to shut up if they don’t want to talk about Mom. Sometimes they will not want to, but sometimes they’ll need to. This will be weird and unpredictable. This may drive you crazy. It is driving them crazier, because they are pre-teenagers. Roll with it.

* Don’t shut them down in/revise their own memories of their mom, the way she was with them, or the way she died (especially the niece who was in the accident with her. Oof. This is so hard. I want to hug you all. This is why I make a lousy real therapist. I’m no good with boundaries.)* Show up at their activities as you can, within your own time constraints. They’ll remember at 18, and 25, and 40, that you were there, even if they’re not (outwardly) down with it now. They are 11 and 12. They’re supposed to be crazy at baseline. We’re supposed to be a little in control (Right? Yeah. I know.)

* Handle any arrangements or disputes that could crop up with their dad out of their view. The adults involved here will all go through a ton of transition and issues, and grieving kids don’t need to be exposed to any adult goings-on about holidays or milestones. (They wouldn’t have needed it if she were alive. They especially don’t need it now.)* Offer any keepsakes or stories, however small, that might help them know their mom. Memories can be short, and that can be scary. They may need reinforcements, and you are a crucial link. You had way more years with her than they did, when it comes down to it. (But again? Watch for when they’re ready.)*TELL THEM  you are there for them. They may brush it off, but people, especially young people, need to hear it. They will never be sorry you said it. Everyone will be sorrier if it’s not said or heard.

* Do not feel like you have to be there for them every second of every day. At times, they may need or want you and/or their grandmother around a lot, at other times, no. You say you don’t want to replace their mom, and the fact is that you can’t, really. Their void has to be acknowledged so they can learn to cope with it for the rest of their lives. It is horrible, but it is real. Helping them work through that with appropriate attention and space, with resources when they need them and backing off when they need to find solace in fresh air or each other or their own company, is the greatest gift any responsible adult in their lives can give them.

*Take them to see Justin Bieber. They will love it. Your brother-in-law will love you.Mama loss, as I know you’re seeing so I don’t have to tell you, is more than an army could contain. It’s only business for an auntie, and your love will do its best to carry them through, bound as you are to them forever by the loss of your sister. Do not forget, at any time, to take care of you. That is the best, first thing you can do for you, and therefore, for them as the years go by.

I wish you all well. I am so sorry.

Auntie Laurie

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28 Aug
My Husband’s Honesty is Killing Me

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been with my husband for 20 years and started dating him when I was 16 years old. He tells me how lucky I am that he is honest with me but lately his honesty has been really upsetting me. He wants to have sex with my friends, asks me to set some type of threesome up and talks about what types of clothes other women wear that turns him on. He tells me he likes the way 20 somethings look in jeans, but I’m 35. He also is constantly on me about my weight. I’m 5’5, 135 pounds.

He told me once he had to watch porn before having sex with me because he couldn’t get into the mood with me anymore. He also told me he doesn’t have time for foreplay until he’s retired. Do I have a reason to be this upset? He says he has never cheated and I believe him, but everything he has said and the way he looks at other women right in front of me is driving me crazy!

Signed,

Confused
_______________________________________________________________

Dear Confused,

I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you have very good reasons to be upset. The bad news is that you seem to be married to a lunatic. Tough break.

Love, Marinka, TMH

What? I’m not done? I’m expected to give a more through answer? This is certainly inconvenient news because I’m pretty busy right now. Can you wait until I’m retired? Because that’s when I’ll have more time on my hands to do a lot of stuff that I’ve been meaning to. Like the dishes, and saying “please” and “thank you” to people and maybe even taking the dog out for those walks he keeps hinting he wants.

Fine.

Look, Confused, I’m not sure what’s going on with your husband, but he’s being abusive under the guise of honesty. Make no mistake– there is absolutely nothing honest in telling you that he wants to have sex with your friends, set up threesomes and talking about your weight. I hope it goes without saying that you should not, under any circumstances, participate in a threesome or any other orgy-type scenario. Because you can’t unring that bell. What you need to do, assuming that you want to continue to be married to him, is let him know that your marriage is in serious trouble and seek counseling together. Preferably with a counselor that he does not want to have sex with.

You have every right to expect fidelity from your spouse, not just the not-having-sex with other women kind, but the not-making-you-feel-terrible kind. After all, how would he feel if you were to return the honesty favor and tell him that you were hoping he’d grow a thicker penis by now?

Good luck,

Marinka, THM

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27 Aug
My Friend’s Boobs Look Way Too Good To Be Real

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My friend does Botox and fillers which I have no problem with at all. But every time someone compliments her on how great she looks (which she does!), she claims that she hasn’t done any of that stuff. She also lies about her boob job. I want to tell our mutual friends the truth but she has sworn me to secrecy. Do I have to keep this secret?!

Signed,

Her Boobs are as Real as Pamela Anderson’s

_______________________________

Dear Her Boobs are as Real as Pamela Anderson’s,

I’m seething with jealousy because I have my own future Botox fund but it keeps getting depleted for emergencies like 7-Eleven watermelon lime Slurpee runs. But I do have dreams of a forehead so smooth and frozen, it won’t budge in a category 5 hurricane.

It sounds like your friend is comfortable sharing with you all her adventures in Botox and plastic surgery but not anyone else.  I can imagine this could put you in an awkward position if one of your friends demands to know how it is possible that her face hasn’t changed since the Clinton administration.

But I think you have to keep mum. It’s just not your place to divulge her beauty secrets. Practice saying things like, “I don’t know how she looks so good but that must be some facial creme!” Or “I heard she even wears sunblock when she sleeps!”

Hopefully, your friend will eventually realize that she should just be honest with her close friends. Because really, what’s the point of a boob job if you can’t brag to your friends that you got it for half price on Groupon!

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

___________________________________

Do you have young kids and live in New York City?! The Mouthy Housewives are giving away a free fall class at the super fun New York Kids Club! Wendi tried to enroll herself but apparently you have to be a toddler or something.

You’ll get to choose from Musical Tots, Infant Milestones and Cuentos Musica y Arte. It’s a $725 value. (Everyone who doesn’t live in NYC now can’t believe a fall class costs $725.)

To enter, leave a comment and mention New York Kids Club. You must also like The Mouthy Housewives on Facebook.

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23 Aug
My Teenage Son is a Drama Queen!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

How can my 13-year-old son live through his raging hormones phase? Everything is so dramatic, extremely negative, and lately it has also been directed at me as part of the broken system. He can be very effective at his disdain for the world, and I find myself losing my patience and raising my voice as well. I do know that this will pass, and I already see some of the wonderful friend he is going to become, but I need some helpful instant-time-out ideas for shutting down the drama, when your baby boy is six inches taller than you.

Signed,

I can’t believe I thought my girl would be the hardest

_____________________________________________

Dear ICBITMGWBTH,

Call me crazy, but the first thing that came to mind was Jeff VanVonderen of Intervention. Does your son also happen to have a raging alcohol or substance abuse problem? Because that would make things easier for me. We could chalk his outbursts up to “noise,” give him an ultimatum, and call it a day.

No, you say? Fine.

I think, when it comes to negative behavior, we can follow some basic ground rules from age 1 to 100:

1. Ignore
2. Redirect
3. Drink

Engaging in an argument with your son will only validate that what he’s going on about is worth a fight. If he’s not willing to talk about it civilly, you tell him that you’re ready to speak calmly when he is. Then you just leave the room. Start vacuuming. Plug your ears and sing LALALALALA! Whatever works. You can also try filling his spare time with more physical activities. This will not only help to relieve some of that anger he’s feeling, but it can also be a great time to get him talking. Boys and men tend to open up a bit more when they’re doing something. Perhaps avoid striking up a conversation while he’s in the bathroom, however.

You can also try to do some detective work if you feel that your son’s social or academic life is giving him trouble. Talk with teachers, friends’ parents, and any local fortune tellers. You never know!

If all else fails, see if you can get him to open up to a male figure in the family. And cut yourself some slack. As you said, you’ll survive this. Wine helps.

Godspeed,

Kristine, TMH

____________________________________________

Do you have young kids and live in New York City?! The Mouthy Housewives are giving away a free fall class at the super fun New York Kids Club! Wendi tried to enroll herself but apparently you have to be a toddler or something.

You’ll get to choose from Musical Tots, Infant Milestones and Cuentos Musica y Arte. It’s a $725 value. (Everyone who doesn’t live in NYC now can’t believe a fall class costs $725.)

To enter, leave a comment and mention New York Kids Club. You must also like The Mouthy Housewives on Facebook.

Good luck!!

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