23 Jul
I’m A Single Man With Needs…For Throw Pillows

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a straight, single man who wants to buy some decorative throw pillows. Do you have any ideas on how I can show that, while I may be a man, I don’t have to live like a bachelor?

Signed,

Accessorizing Adam

_______________________

Dear AA,

First, I’m going to work on the assumption that we’re not speaking in code here. “Throw pillows” means throw pillows, right? Not, like, the liberator sex positioning wedge? Because that would be more up Wendi’s alley, I think.

Now that we have that cleared up, I can proceed in telling you that there is nothing to be ashamed of when you find yourself experiencing these strange new feelings for…throw pillows. As we age, our bodies and brains change! New chemicals are released that lead us to crave certain things! And sometimes that means puberty or menopause, but sometimes it means interior design, too!

One of my favorite places to shop through my feelings look for fashion and design ideas is etsy. You just need to ask yourself what it is about yourself you’d like these pillows to express. Is it your trendy side? You can go with trendy designs, such as stripes or chevrons, but in masculine colors.

Or do you want them to speak to your quirky, hipster qualities? These might work.

Another option is to have fun with upcycling, suggesting to your potential mates that you are eco-friendly and possibly enjoy the smell of patchouli.

Or we could just cut to the chase, here, and just go for the pillows that are going to score you some tail. And if that’s your goal, then you should just empty your checking account for some pillows from Anthropologie.

You’re welcome!

Kristine, TMH

Pillows can be found here, here, here, and here.

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20 Jul
Are You Ready For BlogHer?

Because it’s coming up in less than two weeks and we are getting excited!

And not just because we are hosting the fabulous Come As You Are Party on Saturday night.  You’ll be there, right? We’ll be the dashingly beautiful gals who look decades younger for their age, in case you’d like to come say hello.

In preparation for the BlogHer12 conference in NYC this August, The Mouthy Housewives are brushing off our favorite tips for the gathering. So whether it’s your first BlogHer or kazillionth, make sure to review our advice for having fun at BlogHer!

1. Wake up in the hotel room and enjoy the fact that you will not have to clean it. You don’t even have to make your bed if you don’t want to. (Unless you’re Martha Stewart’s roommate, of course.)

2. Have a few bloggers that you’d like to meet and then introduce yourself.  Try curtsying while doing so to really make an impression.

3. Practice giving out your business cards in front of a mirror.

4. If you’re too shy to approach new people, hire a representative to network on your behalf so you can hide in your room and order room service wine by the bottle. (Make sure the representative looks just like you, but 10 years younger and/or  10 ounces lighter.)

5. Don’t let anyone make you feel silly for taking advantage of free stuff. Unless you’re going crazy over those dishwasher soap samples because, come on. That’s just embarrassing and desperate.

6. Dress to impress! We recommend a floor-length ball gown or tuxedo. This is your professional brand on the line, after all. You also can’t go wrong with an all-leather look. It is NYC, girlfriend.

7. Confused about which panel to attend? Just go to the room where you hear laughter, not snoring, coming from the audience. And remember, there are no dumb questions unless they’re about your cat. Or pastrami sandwiches.

8. Do not attempt to organize a Beliebers cocktail party. (Unless you really want to organize a Beliebers cocktail party. Have fun at the Beliebers cocktail party!)

9. Do not leave that conference without saying hello to one of us Housewives! Wave, smile, scowl, toss a paper airplane–whatever it takes to let us know you’re there. We’ll probably even be open to bear hugs! They do serve wine at BlogHer, so you never know what crazy things will happen!

10. Be confident! It can be overwhelming to be around so many new faces, but if it makes you feel better, Kristine has an awkward mole on her neck that she’ll spend most of her time hiding. We’re all in this together!

Have fun at BlogHer and we’ll see you there!

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19 Jul
What’s outmywindow?

This is sponsored content by BlogHer and outmywindow.


Last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to spend a day at the Warner Bros. studios in beautiful downtown Burbank, California. I actually worked for Warners years ago and spent about five years on the lot, so it was kind of a homecoming for me. Only this time it was a little more pleasant because I didn’t have my crazy movie executive boss frantically yelling at me to run a script over to Clint Eastwood’s office or he’d throw a smoothie at my head again. Ah, good times.

(And if the words “Smelly Cat” mean anything to you, be sure to keep reading this until the end.)

Anyway, the reason I was on the lot was to learn about Warner Bros.’ new photo sharing service called outmywindow. As the lovely people at WB told us, outmywindow was created with the sole purpose of photo privacy. I know, privacy on the internet. What a concept.

But the WB developers understand how easy it is for strangers to see your personal photos on places like Facebook and Twitter. Plus, they know that photos posted to the internet and social networks include metadata about where they were taken, and that most photo sharing sites also allow search engines to index your photos so that they can be downloaded by anyone, anywhere. We’ve all heard the nightmare stories about some baby’s picture being used in third party advertisements, right? Scary stuff.

So for all of those reasons, Warner Bros. designed outmywindow. It gives you complete control over your photos and who sees them. OMW is an all-in-one, more personal way of sharing and saving your images. Take pictures from your smart phone or tablet, then share them instantly across multiple devices—with only your handpicked friends and family.

Other features of outmywindow include:

  • A photo timeline automatically built from day stacks that allows you to flip back to a day in your life with the touch of a button
  • Simple organization and sharing across all kinds of devices
  • Easy to use interface
  • Head start on your albums via importing existing collections to your device
  • The ability to store high-res photos in the cloud for instant access anytime, anywhere

As someone who’s always a little nervous about putting pictures of my boys on the internet—lest their smiling faces suddenly pop up on billboards in India selling laundry soap, for example—this is a great fit for me. I have never been comfortable with my images being widespread and therefore appreciate what outmywindow is offering in regards to privacy.

Outmywindow launches today and their app is now available for download on iTunes. They can also be found at outmywindow.com, @outmywindow on Twitter and at Facebook.com/outmywindow.

Now, let’s get to the promised Smelly Cat. Part of my big day at Warner Bros. was getting to take a VIP tour of the studio. Because of my time spent working on the lot, I know the studio pretty well (probably too well, as I was known for regularly highjacking a golf cart with my friends and chasing down George Clooney at the ER set), however, I’d never before had the opportunity to sit in on the famous couch in Central Perk:

Nope, that’s not Joey, Monica, Ross and Rachel, fools. That’s someone I don’t know, Nichole Beaudry, Heather of the EO and me! (They wouldn’t let us touch the latte cups. Or stick our heads in them.)

Here’s another shot. Sadly, no Gunther behind the bar pining for Rachel:

And here’s my friend Heather of the EO again, now standing on the stage where Phoebe once sang “Smelly Cat.” Heather tried her best to pull it off, but sadly, she couldn’t quite capture the Buffay magic:

Finally, here’s Heather, Nichole and myself in the middle of the VIP tour. If memory serves, right after this picture was taken, we watched in amusement? horror? befuddlement? as our tour guide Bob stopped the tram in front of a little house and made two giggly mommy bloggers reenact a scene out of Million Dollar Baby. True story. But you know what? I’m sure my old buddy Clint would have loved it.

So my thanks to outmywindow and all of the lovely people at WB for a wonderful day, a great trip and all of the information about their new service. I really appreciate it.

Now, if I could just get “I’ll Be There For You” out of my head.

Wendi, TMH

 

 

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17 Jul
Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

So I’m a little late on this, considering my son is already 5 years old, but it’s bothered me greatly and until now have simply accepted it. My question is this: is there ANY hope for flattening the disgusting “hangover” skin over a c section scar? I know the muscles have been disfigured permanently but isn’t there something you can do to shape them?

I am not overweight and am a healthy eater, so I’m basically skinny until ……dun dun dunnn…..”the pouch.” It’s embarrassing, especially in a dress that outlines every curve. Help!

Signed,

Captain Kangaroo

__________________________________

Dear Cap’n,

You know, when you’re pregnant they really make a big deal about this “pain of childbirth” business, but where is the mention of “emotional trauma from permanent disfigurement to areas other than your labia”? I MEAN REALLY. It seems just as important as proper nipple latching.

I don’t think I have the answer you are looking for, unfortunately. Because the basic truth here is that your stomach will never look the way it did pre-pregnancy. No, I’m serious. NEVER AGAIN FOREVER AMEN. Of course, you’re not alone in this. I was spared the phenomenon of stretch marks and kangaroo pouches myself, but my breasts are scarred and the place where I used to have a bellybutton ring looks like a puncture wound. And I’ll spare you a description of my saddle bags.

(We all have our crosses to bear.)

But if the misery-loves-company technique isn’t helping you, then I think you can do one of two things. The first is surgery, but it’s not something I would recommend. Not only is it ungodly expensive, but there’s always the off chance that your husband will fall for the daughter of the doctor that performs your tummy-tuck, thus beginning his midlife crises of bad decisions and Ed Hardy. (Just ask Kate Gosselin.)

Your other option is to buy some damn Spanx, woman and just learn to love your imperfections. My eldest is also just five and I’m just now beginning to feel comfortable in this “new” body of mine. Be easy on yourself and start to look at your figure as something sexy rather than something flawed. Maybe draw a happy face on the pouch to get things started.

Work it, gurl.

Kristine, TMH

This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

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16 Jul
Who You Callin’ a Jigaloo?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I was married to a woman, same age, for 27 years. Three kids, five grandkids, good going business. And she ran off with a jigaloo 10 years younger, who had nothing, when she was 47-years-old.

Signed,

Will

_____________________

Dear Will,

Is there a question here? Or is this just your super-smooth way of telling me that you’re now single and ready to mingle? Confused, Will. So very confused. But also slightly turned-on, so I guess that’s good news for both of us.

Anyway, I’m sorry your wife left you after so many years. That’s a horrible thing to happen to you and I wish you the best of luck in recovering from such a devastating loss. I hope you have many friends and family members who are able to support you in your time of need.

That said, I must ask you what a “jigaloo” is. I immediately assumed you meant “gigolo,” but then I said to myself, “Self, you’re not as worldly as you think and maybe a jigaloo is some creature from those Hobbit movies you never watch because you’re scared of gay wizards.” So if that’s the case, I’m very sorry you were dumped for a Hobbit. But like they say, “Once you go hairy fat feet, you never go back.” Isn’t that what they say? Or is it, “Once you go jigaloo, you never go shuge-a-loo”? No, that doesn’t even make sense. Plus it sounds like someone’s having hot sex with a pink Muppet and God knows those fuzzy horndogs are basically just VD factories waiting to explode. Seriously, why do you think Miss Piggy is always so crabby? Broad spectrum antibiotics, my friend. Da pig is on da penicillin.

As I said, I’m confused Will. So very, very confused. But I want you to know I wish you all the best in moving on and I sincerely thank you for contacting The Mouthy Housewives for advice. Despite your grammar and spelling issues, I truly feel that you’ll meet another woman deserving of your many charms before too long.

But just to cover all your bases, maybe start growing out the hair on your feet. I hear some ladies like that.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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