20 Jun
Does My Boyfriend Love Me Anymore?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and half. He used to treat me so well. Now he barely kisses me anymore. He doesn’t seem happy when he comes home from working all day and I am so happy to see him. I just get those wimpy peck kisses.

He doesn’t really consider my feelings anymore and he’s always texting other people instead of talking to or even acknowledged me. I don’t know what to do. I love him but I feel like he’s drifting away. He used to tell me everything and now he barely says hi. It’s making me depressed. He just got a job transfer to California and it seems like he doesn’t want me to go with him.

Signed,

I Want To Be His California Girl

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Dear I.W.T.B.H.C.G,

Well, you could just move to California first and then surprise him when he gets there. You know, rent an apartment for you both, throw lots of “his and hers” towels in the bathroom, sprinkle bridal magazines around the living room and as soon as he arrives, talk about possible names for your future children.  This is known as the, “You Seem To Be Drifting Away So Let Me Smother You” technique.

Now be warned, this approach has never worked in the history of mankind but alas, I’m a dreamer. Perhaps he’ll be the first guy that responds favorably to this unconventional method. But in the event you’re not a risk taker, let’s go with a safer strategy.

TALK TO HIM. LIKE RIGHT NOW. Mention that he seems distant, not excited to see you and preoccupied with his high tech penis (AKA iPhone). And talk about this move to California. Does he want you to go? Does he imagine a future with you? This is a tough conversation to have because the answer might be no. And that’s very difficult to hear when you love someone.

But love really is not enough. I once loved someone who used the word gnarly to describe every event in his life and used some kind of bizarre shellac system to style his hair. Obviously, it was not meant to be.

But either way, you need to know. And guess what, you can be a California girl on your own. I hear there are some pretty cute guys out there.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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19 Jun
Dr. Love, PhD

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a Master’s student dating a guy local to my University, and applying for PhD funding. I have been offered a non-funded PhD at my current University, and I am on a list for a potential $7,500 per year funded PhD and another list for a potential $9,000 a year PhD with an obligation to teach 100 hours a month and a potential $13,500 per year PhD with a guaranteed lecturing job at the end at a more prestigious University 5 hours away. And I’m more likely to get this last one than any of the options available at my current University.

The problem is, according to my boyfriend, long distance doesn’t work. I feel as if I’m being dumped. I haven’t gotten any of the potential funded-places yet, so I could be offered all or nothing. However if I don’t get any offers, the chances of me finding work in this area are slim, so I’ll have to go wherever I can find work, or even back home (6 hours away) with my tail between my legs. The possibility of me being here come October is negligible, so now that I know his feelings on this I’m pre-heartbroken.

I love him, and he was the first of us to use the L word and he continues to tell me that he loves me, but the fact that he’s not willing to attempt a long-distance relationship is making me question this. Is it wrong to be considering ending my relationship at this point when there is still a chance that I could be here next year? Or am I showing a complete lack of self-respect by staying with someone who has a condition on our relationship?

Yours,
PhDevastated

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Dear PhDevastated,

Holy cow, smartypants! Way to be super intelligent and driven and confident and capable and successful! In your academics, that is! Not so much in your love life!

I may be in the minority here, but I think the answer is pretty clear: it’s time to send your boyfriend to Dumpsville: Population 1. Any person you date should love you unconditionally, and be especially supportive of you reaching for your dreams. And if he isn’t capable, then you need to find someone who is.

Now, this is not to say that the guy is a jerk. Some people are just…what’s the word…losers? Er, no….uncultured? Eh…homebodies? Whichever. The point is that he just doesn’t seem to be wired to be your soulmate. Could you make it work? Maybe. Should you, and jeopardize your promising future? I don’t think so. As for the logistics of the dumping process, I don’t think you need to drop him like that hit-of-acid-you-never-took-because-you’re-such-a-good-student. Just have a serious conversation about your concerns, and hopefully you can resolve things and fake-promise to remain friends. It will hurt, and you will be sad, but this is just going to be one of those really meaningful relationships that taught you a lesson based on its failure rather that its success.

Here’s to your so-bright-you-gotta-wear-shades future!

Kristine, TMH

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18 Jun
Enough With The Macro Phallus, I’m Tired

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Hiya. I’m not sure if you can help. Maybe I just need to vent and have no one to talk to about it, but my whole life I have been made fun of. My issue has effected my new marriage. I wanted to wait to have our first time when we were married. But as I unzipped his pants, I was in for a shock. He explained to me he has a condition called “macro phallus.” I know I should be glad but I’m a small woman and I just can’t handle it. Can it be reduced? Or should I just suck it up?

Signed,

Xenobiax

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Dear Xenobiax,

I’m sorry you’ve been made fun of your entire life. I really am. However, I’m not entirely sure how that relates to being married to a man with a giant penis. Is the penis so giant that it has the ability to speak? Does it insult you? Name call? Tell  “yo momma” jokes when it becomes fully erect? V. confused here, Xenobiax.

However, since it’s summer and I don’t usually do any thinking in the summer, I’m not even going to try to get to the bottom of this one. Also, there’s a (very high) chance this letter is a hoax, mostly because your name sounds like a pharmaceutical and you had a killer last line to your question, so there’s really no point in me even trying to give you a thoughtful answer. That decided,  what should we do instead?

Hmmmmm……I know! Let’s all look at this for a few hours:

Image from blogs.loughboroughecho.net

Personal note to Mr. David Beckham: DAVID DAVID DAVID!

POSH SPICEGIRL POSHASS DON’ LUV YOU LIKE AH LUV YOU, DAVID! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, DAVID? ARE YOU DAVID?? WHY DON’T YOU RETURN MY PHONE CALLS, EMAILS, TEXTS, DMS AND PIGEON MESSAGES DAVID?!? WE’RE MEANT TO BEEEEEE DAVID!!! EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE IN A BURGER KING COMMERCIAL AND HAVE A WEIRD VOICE DAVID!!! I STILL LOVE YOU AND YOUR MACRO PHALLUS DAAAAVIIIIIIDDDDDD!!!! DON’T SHUT ME OUT OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.

Whew. I don’t know about you, Xenobiax, but that picture sure answered a lot of questions for me, so I think I’m going to just suck it up and take a shower now.

Have a great summer!

Best,

Wendi, TMH

 

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15 Jun
Father’s Day Cards from The Mouthy Housewives

This Sunday is Father’s Day, and we here at the Mouthy Housewives wanted to take a moment to–wait…Father’s Day is THIS Sunday?!

::checks calendar::

Crap.

Welp! Looks like we’ll be doing another arts & crafts project for Daddio this year, seeing as there’s no time to order that iWhatever, nor is there enough guilt in my heart to break down and buy a gift certificate to Hooters. And since we’re sure there are more of us out there, scrambling to find a card and gift for that impossible-to-buy-for leading man in our lives, we’ve put together a few last minute Father’s Day cards for you, our Mouthy readers. Click to enlarge, print & feel the love!

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14 Jun
Money Laundering 101

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

If I’m doing my family’s laundry and find cash in my teen’s pocket, I’m keeping it, right? But the question is do I rub his face in it to teach him a lesson or just enjoy the new found wealth?

Signed,

Finders Keepers
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Dear Kash Keeper,

If you’re doing your family’s laundry? If?! I’d like to know what kind of magical kingdom do you live in that lets you talk about laundry hypothetically and is that magical place accepting new citizens? Because my doing laundry every freaking Saturday is a fact of life, starring Lisa Whelchel. A fact that you can take to the bank and put on deposit. Together with all the recently laundered cash that you’ve recovered.

But let’s get to the heart of your question. Your kid leaves cash in his jeans pocket and it comes out all nice and clean in the wash. So like any normal person, you keep the cash, because it’s annoying enough to wash and fold other people’s socks without having to wash and origami their dollar bills as well. So far I’m with you.

Where you lose me is this crazy talk of keeping quiet about your loot. By which I assume you mean not saying anything directly, but merely directing his attention towards the new bling you’re wearing or the Porsche that’s now in the driveway, with a wink and a “miss any bills?” muttered under your breath. If that’s what’s happening, then, by all means, continue.

However, I’m concerned that you’re merely gathering the damp bills and stuffing them in your own pocket, leaving your teen oblivious as to his loss. (I’m also worried that if your teen isn’t noticing that his cash is missing, he has way too much of it and you should transfer his allowance/earnings to The Mouthy Housewives’ Chardonnay Fund immediately if not sooner.) The gathering of bills may be good for you, but you are missing out on a teachable moment with your son. Tell him that if he doesn’t check his pockets before putting his stuff in the laundry, you get to keep whatever it is. And then show him a wad you collected (feel free to add a few $50s to make it more interesting.)

Sure, your kid may put up a fuss that the money belongs to him, but those pleas will fall on deaf years with plugs in them for good measure. Hopefully this financial loss will make him check his pockets before throwing jeans into the laundry. Or better yet, ask you if he can be in charge of the laundry himself. (Hey, stranger things have happened. Probably.)

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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