30 Mar
Quick Call Joe Francis! My Neighbor Thinks Her Front Yard is Girls Gone Wild!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My neighbor, a 40-year-old single woman, has recently started sunbathing in her front yard. She just puts a towel on the grass and spreads out in her bikini. (And not to be catty, but she’s no model.) I find this incredibly tacky, especially since we live in a very upscale neighborhood. Also, she has a huge backyard where she can do this. I don’t know if she’s trying to get attention or what, but I can’t stand to see her out there. Should I say something?

Signed,

Not Larry Flynt

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Dear I’m Sorry You’re Not The Porn King,

It certainly sounds like your neighbor, let’s call her Tara Reid, is in desperate need of attention. Normally, I’d suggest a subtle discussion with her but before you do that, perhaps you might think about becoming a more “helpful” neighbor and assisting her in this sad quest toward getting noticed:

-      Put up a FOR SALE sign in her front yard. Clearly she wants a buyer for what she’s got on offer.

-      Have your kids set up a lemonade and ticket stand. This way your family can make some money off the show! Win – win!

-      Put crime scene tape around her front yard and outline her usual sunning spot in chalk.

-      Make yourself available to chat whenever she’s outside. It’s imperative to talk incessantly, and in detail, about your recent colonoscopy procedure.

-      Spread a rumor to all the neighborhood children that whoever can tell Tara Reid the longest family vacation story will get a new iPpad! From her. Shhhhhhhh…

-      Sprinkle birdseed all over her lawn so that the front of her house will look like a remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds. Everyone just loves that movie!

If all of the above fail to gain her the notoriety or dates that she so desires it might just be time to sit Ms. Reid down for a little chat. It’s possible that Tara has partied so hard she doesn’t even remember she has a backyard to take advantage of! Or maybe she doesn’t realize the possible impact she may be having on the neighborhood tween boys?

Most of the time I’m a “live and let live” kind of gal. But as someone who also has a neighbor who shows a little too much skin (in EVERY kind of weather! It’s like the man doesn’t own a shirt!) their decision of exposure does, in fact, have an impact on all of us who live around them and they need to be made aware of it. At the end of the day, after the talk, Tara Reid may no longer be your friendly neighbor but, in all honesty, was she really that before?

Good Luck!

Tonya, TMH

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Don’t forget to enter our Guess The Mouthy giveaway! Correctly guess the author of Wednesday’s advice for a chance to win a copy of both Heather Armstrong‘s & Jill Smokler‘s new books. (Contains Amazon Affiliate links.)

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29 Mar
Where Is The Love?

Welcome back to Guest Post Thursday! Today we have the lovely Lexa from Lemmonex. She’s often better dressed than I am, has more insight and composure in her pinky than I do in my whole body, and pulls off leopard print LIKE A CHAMP. Naturally, she is my nemesis. Good thing I like to keep my enemies close, though because SHE HAS GREAT SHOES! — Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just moved in with my boyfriend of almost a year. We are arguing more than normal and things always seem tense. There is a definite lack of affection. I want things to work with us because I can see a future, but I have no idea how to get through this transition. Any suggestions on how to fix this problem?

Signed,

Bickering Betsy

_______________________________

Dear Bickering Betsy,

I am the perfect person to answer this question seeing as I once lived with a boyfriend. Sure, we broke up, but that doesn’t mean I do not have some well-earned wisdom to impart on you. Please, learn from my failure.

So, living together is great. No more worrying about when you are going to see your boyfriend again or trying to figure out where to sleep or feeling disgust over his filthy bathroom. There is a real comfort in knowing that you get to come home to your partner every night.

But it can also make you really lazy.

I find that when folks move in together they start taking each other for granted. I could be totally off base here, but it is a pattern I have seen play out a million times with friends. Be honest with yourself; are you slipping into some bad patterns? Like the dishes. If you’re not washing them, who is? The fairies don’t come do them while you are at work. So, did you thank your boyfriend for dealing with them? Or for dealing with the management company or the overflowing pile of laundry? Are you grateful for him for tackling the domestic chores and general life annoyances he is handling? It is easy to fall in to these patterns without even realizing it. And nothing makes me snippier and less inclined to affection than feeling like I am not appreciated..

Which brings me to my other point. Are you tending to the relationship now that you are living with him? It is super easy to fall into a pattern of coming home and vegging out in front of the couch once you live with your partner. DO NOT DO THIS. At least not every day. Take off your dang yoga pants. Plan a date. Have an actual conversation. Keep nurturing your relationship.

I think the real thing to be aware of is this is a change and all relationships need to be cared for during change. Put down the Doritos, get off the internet, and tell your boyfriend why you love him. Hell, SHOW him you love him. Just make sure it’s out at a restaurant and not in front of a TV dinner.

Good luck!

Lexa, Guest TMH

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Don’t forget to enter our Guess The Mouthy giveaway! Correctly guess the author of yesterday’s advice for a chance to win a copy of both Heather Armstrong‘s & Jill Smokler‘s new books. (Contains Amazon Affiliate links.)

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28 Mar
50 Shades of Oh, Shut Up Already

Welcome, dear readers, to Guess The Mouthy Housewife! Today’s advice is written by one of The Mouthy Housewives– but which one? Let us know if you think the Mystery Mouthy is Kelcey, Kristine, Marinka, Tonya or Wendi! One of the commenters who guesses the Mouthy correctly will win a copy of both Jill Smokler’s Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Heather Armstrong’s Dear Daughter.  Winner will be chosen randomly from among the correct responses.  Increase your chances of winning by tweeting the link to this post with a “I think the Mystery Mouthy is ___” (but  fill in the blank with the Mystery Mouthy. OMG. Why can’t we stop typing Mystery Mouthy?!) Good luck!  We will announce a winner on April 1st. No joke.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Many of my friends seem to have lost their minds. They’re all reading that “mommy porn” book 50 Shades of Grey and keep talking about it nonstop. They read the other two books in the trilogy and they’re acting like love sick teenagers. I don’t get it. I read the first book and don’t see what’s the big deal. It’s just a poorly written bodice ripper.  Also I’m not a prude, but I don’t understand why porn is suddenly considered normal conversation while we’re waiting to pick up the kids at school.

Signed,

50 Shades of Annoyed

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Dear Annoyed,

The other day I was waiting to pick up at school and OMFG, one of the moms started talking to me about the renovations that they were doing. I looked around, like “who are you talking to?” and then there was that horrible moment when I realized that I was her target and victim.   Yes, I was trapped there for actual M-I-N-U-T-E-S while she droned on about backsplashes and  stone copper strips and countertops and she didn’t seem to come with an off button.

Much like Anastasia.

Please believe me when I say that if at that moment I could have changed the conversation over to porn (or clubbing baby seals for fun and profit) I would have done so instantly.  Yes, it’s ridiculous and poorly written, but  the thing about 50 Shades of Grey  is that it gives us a lot to talk about.  Like do virgins really bleed like that outside of the monarchy? How do we feel about signing non-disclosure sex agreements? Do we want a man who takes complete sexual control? Could that fellatio scene really have been written by a woman?

All important considerations.  And a way for us to talk about sex with our friends, to break out of that “I’m here to pick up the kids and then I will make dinner” mode.

But if you don’t feel comfortable talking porn sex with your friends, let them know. A simple “no spoilers, please!” should do the trick. If they are friends, they will respect your preference.  But don’t blame us if they meet for some English Breakfast Tea without you to pour over the details.

Oh my,

Mystery Mouthy

 

 

This post contains Amazon Affiliate links.

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27 Mar
Parents Behaving Badly Leads to Easter Egg Hunt Cancellation

From the files of Oh, You Thought You’d Heard It All? comes this gem:

The organizers of an annual local Easter Egg Hunt in Colorado Springs canceled this year’s Easter Egg Hunt.

If you think it’s in an effort to lower people’s cholesterol levels or to get the children out of the secular chocolate bunny world and into the House of Worship to celebrate the Resurrection, then you are absolutely adorable.

And wrong. Because the reason that the annual Easter Egg Hunt has been canceled is because some parents acted so horribly last year, the organizers would rather cancel the whole thing than have to babysit the parents. Who can blame them?

Reports of parents jumping in to get plastic eggs so that their child wouldn’t have to have the indignity of remaining eggless are mortifying, until you hear one of the parents explain:

You have all these eggs just lying around, and parents helping out. You better believe I’m going to help my kid get one of those eggs. I promised my kid an Easter egg hunt and I’d want to give him an even edge.

That’s right, you better believe it.  Because once you make a promise of a plastic egg to your kid, you don’t want to fool around with that blood oath. And if the other parents jumped in and swooped up an egg so that your kid didn’t get one, what would you do? Use it as a life lesson that sometimes people act badly? Or join them because you are not leaving without the motherfokkin’ plastic egg?

The parents acting badly are being labeled helicopter parents. We find that unfair. A parent can be overprotective and hovering (you know, helicopter) without being obnoxious to others. This goes way beyond that.

As parents, we all want what is best for our kids. And that includes Easter eggs and even chocolate and jellybeans. But sometimes we need to step back and realize that teaching our children that it’s okay to push and shove as long as we get the plastic egg is not the lesson we want to impart.

Now, Faberge eggs—that’s a different story.

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26 Mar
For the Love of God, Send Us Your Problems, People

Ello Hun,

I’m in desperate need of some help. It’s not life threatening, but I’m trying to experience what I saw on a movie once. Sorry to be crude, but I’m trying to archive female ejaculation. Ever since I saw it on a adult film a month ago, I’m in desperate need to try and create that. Is it just a thing that only porn stars can do? Or do I need boyfriend with a penis bigger than 10 inches? Or is it great camera angles? I know it seem silly, but it’s my life long dream and I’m desperate to make it happen hope you can give me some helpful tips and get rid of the myth :)

Thanks once again,

Mel

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Dear Mel,

Please know that I’m only answering your question for two reasons. First, I think you’re sincerely asking for help (well, maybe) and if so, this Jezebel.com link will help.  Happy reading, you sexy beast.

And the second reason I’m answering your question is to show all of our readers that WE’RE DESPERATE FOR NON-BIZARRO PROBLEMS TO SOLVE SO GET OFF YO ASSES AND EMAIL THEM TO US, YOU BIG DUMMIES.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you all big dummies. I’m just a little flustered because I had to Google “female ejaculation” a few minutes ago since Mel obviously doesn’t know how a computer works and now I feel like I need someone to work my brain over with a Brill-O pad and some Comet cleanser. But, seriously, why is the internets so….icky? So terribly, terribly icky? Forget Parental Controls, I needs me some Wendi the Prude Controls, man. I mean, for the love of God, I’m from North Dakota. Nobody there is named She Squirts A Lot.

Anyway, if you read The Mouthy Housewives, you obviously know how brilliant and helpful we are. And if you read The Mouthy Housewives, we obviously know how weird and troubled you are. So please send your issues, problems and concerns to: ask@mouthyhousewives.com. (Note: Please address all Facebook and in-law questions to “Not Wendi.”)

Here, I’m even going to give you a simple, little form to get you started:

Dear Breathtakingly Gorgeous Mouthy Housewives,

Recently my (______) has started (______)ing every time I (_________). How can I get this to stop before I (_______)?

Signed,

Poor Soul In Need of Help From Big Breasted Geniuses

OMG, how easy is that? Of course all questions are kept anonymous, and our answers are 100% guaranteed* to bring a smile to your face. Or, in Mel’s case, an ahem to your ahem. Now start writing!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

(*This is completely not true.)

 

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