24 Jan
I Hate Your Baby Name

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My cousin is pregnant with a little boy, and while I’m extremely happy for her, I can’t stand the name she picked out for him. And obviously I can’t tell her how much I don’t like the name so I need a really great nickname for the name Colton.

Any ideas?

Signed,

You’re Naming Your Kid What?!

__________________

Dear You’re Naming Your Kid What?!,

Well, don’t go blaming yourself for this. I have personally introduced a constitutional amendment requiring all people to keep their baby names a secret until AFTER the child is born.

It’s just terribly awkward to know a baby’s name beforehand. First of all, it’s hard to get jazzed about the birth of a baby when you already know every detail months in advance.   I’m having a baby. It’s a girl. Her name is Elizabeth Sarah. The c-section date is on April 25th. She’s a Taurus and her hobbies will be horseback riding and rowing. TMI people.

Second of all, it’s a lot easier to hate a name before the baby is born. Once you are cooing over the little tyke, it’s possible to forget that his name is Vanilli or Pilot Inspektor. Not completely. But those cute cheeks and baby soft skin make it a bit more palatable.

Now we have gotten this baby name problem before. And I was really bracing myself for you to share some kind of horrific name. But Colton? Oh my gosh, I love that name! Like if Tim Riggins of Friday Night Lights wasn’t named Tim Riggins – he would be named Colton. Colton is like a hot cowboy. Or a handsome movie star. Or maybe a cheesy soap character. But let’s focus on cowboy and movie star. I really think it’s a pretty cool name.

Does that help? Oh man, you still don’t like it. Alright, how about if you just call him “Cole?” Or maybe “Ton” but that could be politically incorrect with the whole eradicate childhood obesity campaign going on right now.   You could just call him “the baby” but of course, that will get strange once he starts high school.

I think the best bet is to wait and meet the little guy. You might be so enamored with him, you won’t care what he goes by.   That’s probably why they make those babies so ridiculously cute.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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23 Jan
Can You Help Me Punk My Boss?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I work at a hotel (in the U.S.) which has brought employees in from a poor European country for the season. The girls are working as housekeepers, earning minimum wage, which is $2 less than what any of the other housekeepers START at. They had to pay for their own flights here, work visas, and they pay all their U.S. taxes. They work 6 days a week, so they are getting overtime, but I still feel like they are totally being taken advantage of. It makes me angry.

My employer doesn’t seem to be doing anything illegal, just something that I think is ICKY. When these girls go back to their homes, they will have enough money saved that they can live off it for 6 months (going to University) without working, so that’s good for them. I just hate so much that my employer is taking advantage of them. Do you have any advice on what I can do for them, aside from adopting them through an adopt-a-teenager program where I send them $20 a month when they get home and in return they send me postcards? I know this is a weird question. It just makes me feel bad.

Signed,

My Boss is a Jerk

____________________________________________

My Boss is a Jerk,

I don’t think this is a weird question at all. I mean, please. We live in a world where Newt Gingrich is making a legitimate run at the Presidency on the platform of open-marriage. It takes a little more to rattle the Housewives.

It’s honorable that you’re feeling badly for these disadvantaged workers, but as you suggested, it’s not exactly illegal for your boss to be an asshole to your co-workers. What’s more, if you were to do something to get the bossman in trouble, the girls would suffer as well. I think that’s what they call a Catch-22, but I’ve never been good with postmodern literature.

But, if you do it right, maybe you can boost them into the media spotlight which will basically both humiliate your boss AND get the girls some paparazzi-type celebrity status. Here’s what I suggest:

1. New York had this really obnoxious guy with a mustache who worked for the local news, and he always annoyed the crap out of the bad guys until they finally caved to get him off their back. Most of the time they were probably innocent, but that’s besides the point. Get in touch with your local media and ask for the homeliest reporter with the biggest microphone to help you out.

2. Ashton Kutcher. He still does that Punk’d show for MTV, right? (He doesn’t? Well, just tell him pretty young girls are involved and I’m sure he’ll be there in a heartbeat.) Sure, the national media attention may cause the entire hotel to fail financially, costing you your job in the process, but it’ll be a great story!

3. Aren’t hotels usually haunted? Because I feel like, if you get the girls involved, you could all chip in for some fake blood and gray face paint and really pull an epic prank on Mr. Bossman. Kind of like the ghosts of Christmas past, except they’re the ghosts of…like, hotels or something. (Okay, so maybe this one isn’t super smooth, but I’m not a damn script writer so cut me some slack already.)

Or, if you want to take the issue more seriously (bo-ring!), you could do something more responsible. Perhaps you could contact local lawyers or worker’s unions to see if there’s any legal action that can be taken. Beyond that and slashing your boss’ tires, maybe you want to just have a good heart-to-heart with the girls and then submit your resignation. That’s what Jerry McGuire would do.

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH

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20 Jan
Up Close And Personal With The Housewives: Meet Wendi!

Guess what, people? Now you no longer have to dig through our trashcans and spy on us with telephoto lenses to find out what really makes us tick! Because today we start an exciting new feature here at The Mouthy Housewives: Meet Your Housewives! (Where the damn confetti cannon at? Marinka, weren’t you in charge of that?)

Anyway, since you all read our words every week and dream about hanging out with us at the Paramus Mall Food Court, we’re now giving you the chance to know our deepest, darkest secrets. (Or at least the ones that don’t include what we did to that cagey Tunisian drifter back in ’87. Trust us, we’ll never tell.) But we just know we’ll all feel like BFFs by the time we’re done with this fun new feature! {{Hugs.}}

Today, let’s meet WENDI.

Name: Wendi Aarons

Age: STFU

Hometown: Austin, Texas

Here’s a glamour shot of Wendi enjoying herself at the ultra chic Great Wolf Lodge. Isn’t she just gorgeous with those Wolf Ears? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect she keeps them in her nightstand drawer for those times she wants to get really wild. Rwor!

And now, Wendi answers some probing questions asked by her lovely Sister Wives!

Dear Wendi:

What’s your spirit animal?
Is Chardonnay an animal?

 

What’s your sign? And major? And are those space pants you’re wearing?
Scorpio, Film and Duh.

 

Which Kardashian are you?
Klingon, the one they keep in the shed with their coffins and cases of hair dye.

 

Most embarrassing moment as a mother?
Walking through Banana Republic with my nursing bra flaps unhooked. Whee!

 

Favorite Real Housewife?
Ramoner!

 

If your neighborhood did superlatives, what would you be voted as?
(tie) Most Likely To Report People For Leaving Their Trashcans Out and Best Ass

 

What plastic surgery will you get first?
Pec implants.

 

Are you a natural blonde?
I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer, Tonya. Haters gonna hate.

 

Who would portray you in a Lifetime movie?
Drunk Tracey Gold or sober Sammy Hagar.

 

Celebrity crush when you were 16 and now?
George Michael. And it’s still George Michael even though, yes, Kristine, I know he doesn’t swing my way and I’m perfectly fine with that because we connect on a deeper, pop music level and OMG I TOTALLY KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM SWITCH TEAMS IF I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT COP.

 

What name does your husband call you?
We only use our celestial names at home, so “Xyzyzyzyzy.” Or “Stop Using All Of The Hot Water, Dummy.”

 

Can you say “making love” without cringing?
Yes! Watch: Mak….makin….making lo-hhhhhhvvv…making looo-hhhh…OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP DRY HEAVING! WHO HAS A PAPER BAG CAUSE MAMA GONNA DO A PUKE!

 

Who is your favorite Mouthy Housewife?
Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to answer this, Kelcey. Do you think I want another table flipping brawl in the TMH cabana? Honestly, woman.

 

What was your first car?
A 1980 sky blue Nova that didn’t go in reverse. Thanks, mom and dad!

 

What’s your bra size?
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact. The end.

 

Favorite classic book?
Is Chardonnay a book?

Whooo! Now that you know Wendi better, feel free to send her gift cards and any of your spare pharmaceuticals. And we’ll be back soon with yet another Meet Your Housewives! Happy weekend, everyone!

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19 Jan
I Got Rid of My Boyfriend But Now I Need Friends

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

A few days ago, I ended a serious relationship. It was mutual and not a bad breakup but I have no desire to remain in contact with my ex simply for the sake of moving on. However, I am realizing that the majority of my friends were friends I met through him. So now I am left with very few friends and that seems to be the hardest part of this breakup.

I have never had many female friends and have always been a bit of a tomboy. So I’m not sure how to approach other women. Where the heck can I meet some cool friends, male or female?

Signed,

I Don’t Want You, Just Your Friends

_____________________________

Dear Friendless,

Can’t you barter with your ex? You know, he gets to keep all those cool snow globes you collected together and you get just one of his friends?

No? Selfish boy. Well, he is going to miss those snow globes.

I must begin by complimenting you on your maturity. When I’ve broken up with a guy, I’ve had a month long mourning process where I eat my weight in Sweet Tarts, watch Meg Ryan movie marathons nonstop and sob into my Pinot Grigio. It’s pretty ugly.   You are obviously a lot more emotionally mature than me and that will be a big advantage when it comes to making some friends.

As someone who once relocated all alone to Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends.   The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether it’s kayaking, yoga, reading or belly dancing.

You are more apt to connect with people who share a passion with you. So join a club. And even if you’re not outgoing, make an effort to chat with people. Ask them lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves.

And what about your workplace? Are there any folks there who you could imagine starting a friendship with? If yes, ask them to do a power walk with you during lunch or grab a drink after work. Don’t make it a big time commitment in case perky Susie from accounting turns out to be a closet cat hoarder. Not that I don’t love cats. I do. Just not 36 of them.

Or try the site MeetUp as a way to connect with people in your area. Keep going out and meeting people until you click with one or two of them. You know, someone who enjoys the same stuff you do and laughs at all your jokes about your ex and his obsession with snow globes. I promise, your future pal is out there.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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18 Jan
My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!

Hold on to your lattes, ladies, because we’ve got a guest Mouthy Housewife on deck today. Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama’s Blog is bringin’ the sass, the spunk, and the spumante! (I hope, anyway. What else am I going to do with all of this orange juice?) She makes me laugh on the regular with her no-holds-barred humor, and really knows how to pull off a mustache. So, without further ado, let’s hear what Miss Yvonne has to say about jerking off! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?

Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.

I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?

Signed,

Sexually Frustrated

__________________________________________

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.

Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule.   This is a good sign.   This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it.   He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing.   This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.

I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you.   But it isn’t about you.   It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive.   In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.

As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay.   Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband).   They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.

Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama!   Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning.   Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him.   Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?).   If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.

And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much.   Works for me, every time.

Signed,

Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH

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