It’s that time again! We bid farewell to the old year, greet the new and make resolutions that are both unrealistic and unattainable! 2012 is going to be huge!
This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:
In 2012, Marinka resolves to:
Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.
Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.
Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.
Wendi resolves to:
Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.
Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”
Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.
Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.
Tonya resolves to:
Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)
Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.
Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.
Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.
Kristine resolves to:
Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!
Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.
Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.
To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.
To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris. For a very long time.
To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.
Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I went to dinner recently and he paid for the majority of the meal, leaving him with $2.00 in his wallet. The next morning, on his way out of the gym, he felt light headed due to his diabetic condition and when he went to purchase an energy bar realized he had only $2.00 in his wallet and could not buy it.
He called me and told me that he was surprised (actually blamed me ) that I would let him go out with only $2.00 in his wallet. I was floored, as he has money everywhere, could have easily taken some yet chooses to blame me for his wallet being almost empty. He controls all of his money, all of the time. I have nothing to do with his funds. Should I really be responsible for this?
Who You Blaming?!
Dear Who You Blaming,
I’m so glad you wrote in because the other day I locked myself out of the house, had to pay 70 bucks for a locksmith and I’m so grateful that I now have someone to blame. So thanks a lot for letting me do that. Oh and I’m also pissed at you for that time I sprained my ankle playing tennis. And for that day when I wore my shirt inside out for 7 hours before someone had the decency to tell me.
In all seriousness – it sounds like the only person your husband should be mad at is himself. I’m sorry he only had two dollars in his wallet but that is hardly your fault. And you should introduce him to these fancy new things that were just invented called credit cards and ATM cards. They really are magic and can work wonders when one finds themselves a bit short on cash. Did he have any of those in his wallet at the time?
So no, you are absolutely not to blame. But it does sound like there might be some tension between the two of you when it comes to control over money. Am I reading too much into your question? Every couple works out their money differently. Some share funds. Some keep separate accounts. Some drive to Vegas and spend it all there. Whatever works.
But you two are married. And you need to manage and spend your money in a way that works for both of you. So maybe you both need to sit down and have more of a big picture discussion about your financial arrangement.
Good luck to you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need your advice! I’ll be 40 in about 15 months. Instead of making a bucket list, I’m making a Things-To-Do-Before-I’m-40-List. Do you have any ideas?
I’m Not Dying, I’m Living!
Dear I’m Not Dying,
Hoo-boy! You’ve come to the right place, woman. If there’s nothing I love more, it’s making lists! That are in numbers of ten! And double-spaced! In alphabetical order!
Now, I suppose the importance of this list is to make the most of your thirties before you turn 40 and lose most of your street cred, is that right? Because might I just use this opportunity to remind you that 40 is the new 30. (Or, so I’ve heard. I’m 32 so this may all be before my time.)
That said, here’s some ideas to add to your list:
1. Buy a family cemetery plot.
2. Conceive a child.
3. Have a medical exam for life insurance.
…wait…this isn’t the type of list you were thinking of, is it? Let’s try again.
1. Go to Vegas with your girlfriends and do something scandalous. (Bring extra cash for bail money. Watch the movie The Hangover for inspiration.)
2. Send those amateur photos to Playboy!
3. Enlist in the Air National Guard as resident cougar.
4. Go streaking through your kitchen. (I mean, you COULD go through your neighborhood, but the next block party might be awkward. You are nearly forty, after all.)
5. Everyone puts skydiving on their list, so take it a step further and steal a plane!
6. Adopt a bunch of cats and really freak out your family and neighbors.
7. Are kids still piercing themselves these days? If so, pierce a nipple! If not, do it anyway and bring sexy back.
8. Track down Justin Timberlake and ask him what the hell “bringing sexy back” even means.
9. Reconnect with an old friend. That old hag probably still has your favorite sweater anyway.
10. Make a new friend! (Preferably with an older woman so as to highlight your own youth and beauty!)
My OCD prevents me from lengthening this list much further, but I’m confident our readers will have some excellent ideas for your milestone birthday in the comments! Right readers?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My 15 year old son is very disrespectful. He argues all the time and he lies. I’ve grounded him. I’ve taken everything away. He just doesn’t care. I don’t know what else to do. Are there any other options?
Beyond My Wit’s End
Dear Beyond My Wit’s End,
Unfortunately, it does sound like your home has a full-blown teenager infestation. You could call an exterminator or an exorcist? But once a home has been taken over by these extremely hormonal hominids it can be very difficult to get rid of them until voting age begins and even then it’s not a guarantee. They may even leave only to return at the age of 30.
One tactic you may not have tried yet is to take advantage of the teenager’s strong distaste for embarrassment and their stalwart denial of parental existence. This approach will require you to undergo a bit of a transformation. Nothing says dedicated parental units like a middle-aged Snooki and a 50-year old Biebs showering affection on their teenage son, in public, in full view of hundreds of his “closest” friends and acquaintances. After one of these interactions it’s quite possible to get your son to shape up simply out of fear of a replay.
Another option, although less creative and exciting, can be counseling for the teenager alone and, also for the family together. This can be extremely helpful given that the brain, mainly the cerebral cortex where planning, self-control, and judgment are developed, in a fifteen year old hasn’t yet fully matured (and won’t until the early 20’s…sorry). In short, the main focus of the teenage years is to live through them with minimal damage. This can be helped along by a trained therapist and some bite guards for the parents. Also, wine….lots of wine…for the mom.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My parents are staying with us over the holidays and although I’m happy to have them with us and my children adore them, I’m not happy that my mother tries to get the kids to drink soda.
I’m not a health nut, but we do not drink soda and I see no reason to give any to my 3 and 5 year old children.
I’ve talked to my mother about this in past years (she brings the soda with her, and doles it out as a special treat) and she said that she doesn’t know what the big deal is.
She thinks I’m being the food police. What do you think?
How can you possibly be the food police if what you’re monitoring is your children’s beverage intake? Or is the beverage police a unit of the larger food police force? And is Sipowitz part of that particular task force? Because I’m still not over seeing his butt on NYPD Blue.
I do know that as a parent you have a right to determine what your children get to eat and drink. And your mother doesn’t get to overrule you.
I don’t blame you for nixing soda in your home. It has absolutely no health benefits and there’s a lot to show that it’s bad for children. (If it’s part of their daily diet. A once-a-year soda, even once a month soda is probably ok.)
Your mother may think that it is more than ok and that you are depriving your children of their constitutional right to sugar and carbonation. She can think that all she wants but she can’t substitute her values for yours and make decisions for your children.
It is also not ok for her to disregard your wishes. What if she decides one day that your children need to wear matching Christmas sweaters with reindeer appliques? Then what are you going to do?
You should talk to your mother again, perhaps in advance of her visit. Let her know that although you appreciate the time she spends with your children and you value their relationship, you are concerned about the studies that have been coming out regarding sweetened beverage consumption and childhood obesity and diabetes. If you need more ammunition, blame New York City (everyone else does) and their anti-soda posters.
I suspect that your mother may be trying to find a special treat that she can share with grandchildren-a forbidden fruit, so to speak, that will win them over. Suggest to her that spending time doing a favorite activity (singing Justin Bieber songs? Playing Trouble?) would be a lot better for the children’s health and the grandmother-grandchildren relationship in the long run. And if she still insists on the forbidden fruit, consider persimmon.