22 Nov
Mouthing Off: If Pizza is a Vegetable Then Why Am I Getting Fat Eating DiGiorno?

We Mouthy Housewives are practically speechless over here and you know that doesn’t happen very often. We just can not believe that Congress recently decided to dismantle a USDA effort to make school lunches healthier by   continuing to insist that pizza is one vegetable serving because and we swear this is true – it contains tomato paste!

Well done, Congress! We mothers are just thrilled about this because now we no longer have to convince our kids to eat broccoli and spinach. What a silly waste of time. You don’t have to actually try to get your children to eat fruits and vegetables. Just pretend they are already eating them!

Here’s a few tips to help you feed your kids:

Cheetos are really oranges. After all, they are the same color!

Doritos are just like carrots. See above for the easy-to- understand explanation.

Sausages are the same as salads. Both have a variety of stuff in them!

A Twinkie is like the identical twin of a banana or an ear of corn. But so much yummier!

See what we mean? Your kids will be happier. Less struggles at the dinner table.   And sure, obesity and diabetes amongst our children will likely skyrocket. But isn’t that a fair trade off for a scrumptious meal of junk food?!

We think so too. And thankfully, Congress didn’t stop there. Our elected officials also voted to keep french fries on the menu and and delay limits on sodium and delay a requirement to boost whole grains. Bravo Congress!

Thank you for taking care of your lobbyists, instead of our children. We very much look forward to next November when we kick your pathetic, pansy tushes out of office. We promise to throw you a goodbye party. Pizza will definitely be on the menu.

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21 Nov
Psycho: This Time It’s The Mother-in-Law

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My mother-in-law is a psycho.  She wants to spend time with my kids, but she uses the time at our house to tear through their closets and throw away baby clothes that I have saved while also telling my kids what a bad housekeeper I am.

My house is pretty clean, but she points out any little thing I’ve missed. The kids are usually miserable and tell me everything she’s said about me. She’s also super religious, but has been divorced five times, so I really don’t want any of her advice on anything.

Is there a way to cut her out of our lives without moving to another state?  I read you every day and love your advice.

Thanks,

Norma Bates’ Daughter-in-Law

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Dear NB’s Daughter-in-Law,

I applaud your optimism in thinking that moving to another state would put a stop to your mother-in-law.  Unless, of course, you mean one of the   non-contiguous states, in which case you may stand a chance.  But since you want to stay put, let’s table that move to Alaska for now.

The solution to your situations rests in using your mother-in-law’s powers for good (i.e. babysitting and cleaning) while minimizing her potential for evil (destroying your property and er…talking to your children.)

I’m not going to tell you how to get rid of her and not just because The Mouthy lawyers are breathing down my neck.  But besides such “legal technicalities,” I think that kids benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents.  Even wacky ones.  Is it possible that your children are miserable because they are “caught in the middle?”  If so, let them know that it is okay to love their grandmother even if you (and they) do not agree with the things she does and says.  Unless you think that your mother-in-law’s behavior is poisoning your children against you, try these steps.

Step One:  Talk to  your husband.  I don’t know what’s going on, but some men get touchy when you try to eliminate members of their family behind their backs. Although, if you got rid of your husband, the mother-in-law would probably follow, so it’s something to think about. Especially if you took Kardashian vows.  Discuss your concerns with your husband and get his feedback. If it is of the grunt-shrug-oh, she’s my mother! variety, let him know about Step Two.

Step Two: Talk to your mother-in-law.  Tell her that you appreciate her help, but that you need to have some ground rules so that everything runs more smoothly.  Ask her to agree that you and she will not discuss each other with the children.  You know, because you’re adults.

Let her know that you don’t want her getting rid of any of your things. It’s a little insane that you even have to say this, but do it.  Ask her if she’s willing to help you with some domestic projects while she’s watching the kids.  If she is, give her something to do: organize the linen closet, polish the silver, dust the Mona Lisa, that kind of thing.

Step Three: If the first two steps don’t work, stop asking her to babysit. If she comes over uninvited, limit her visit to half an hour or so, while you are around.  Make sure you are within earshot and tackle any issues as they come up head-on.

After a few weeks of Step Three, try repeating Steps One and Two again.

Hopefully, thanks to your fancy footwork, things will be smoother.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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17 Nov
Whatever Happened To Baby Jane’s Voice

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My daughter’s best friend is a whiny pain in the  you know where.  The girls are nine, but this girl seems incapable of speaking in anything but a baby voice.  If that’s not bad enough, my daughter is now picking up this charming speech pattern.   How do I tell my daughter to cut it out without bad-mouthing the friend?

Signed,

My Bleeding Ears

______________________________________

Dear Bleeding Ears,

Wait, we’re  not supposed to badmouth our children’s friends? I really wish they’d throw those rules into the hospital bag instead of formula samples. Because formula you can buy at the store; wisdom, not so much.

As a survivor of the Baby Voice, I have to tell you that you’ve got to nip that in the baby bud. Because after surviving the whining, we need a break.

First, you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that you cannot be critical of your child’s friend.  Don’t call her a pain in the nether regions, but make a rule:  In your home, they can talk however they choose behind closed doors, but once they come out to communicate with you, they can’t sound like Cyndi Lauper.

Second, when you are alone with your daughter, tell her that you will not respond to her unless she speaks in her nine year old voice.   Let her know that you will not respond to that vocal frequency. And then enforce it.

I’ve heard that other parents use the “if you talk like a baby, I will treat you like a baby” approach, but personally I always found that very tedious. After all, who has the energy for another reading of Goodnight Moon?! ::shudder::

Some lesser advice sites may suggest talking back to her in a baby voice, but let me tell you from bitter experience that this not only doesn’t work, as my kids always enjoyed an unholy game of Being Babies Together, but that it attracts a lot of unwanted attention from fellow elevator riders.

Hang in there, baby!

Marinka, TMH

 

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16 Nov
How Do I Shake The Hex Of My Boyfriend’s Ex?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been happily dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. There is only one problem in our relationship: his ex-wife.

My boyfriend and his ex have a 2 ½ year old daughter together. So, I try to stay out of the way, and even respect his ex’s wishes enough to not live or sleep over when he has the little girl. Even though I adore her and I am around her 50% of the time that she is with her dad.

But nothing I have done so far is good enough for his ex, the Wicked Witch of the West. I’ve even tried staying out of her way yet she still brings me into it.

Frankly, I’d rather just acetone her car but that wouldn’t solve anything. So what in God’s great creation am I supposed to be doing? I’m not going to turn and run because the witch will just keep on torturing everyone else. Plus, I love my boyfriend and his little girl.

Signed,

I’ve Got The Solvent, Now Where’s The Ex’s Car?

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Dear IGTSNWTEC,

That’s a very long name. I’m winded just writing the letters. Can I just call you Apple, or how about Zuma?

Actually…Leann Rimes, is that you? Writing in to The Mouthy Housewives about Eddie’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

No, no, wait, that’s not possible. Given LeAnn’s current muscle to skeleton ratio it would be impossible for her to even pick up a pen and write us a letter much less have the wherewithal to construct an actual sentence! But hey, now you know that should you decide to dabble in script writing you’ve got the perfect “reality” show to sell to Bravo!

I give you a lot of credit for trying to respect your boyfriend’s ex’s wishes and for putting in a lot of thought and care for his daughter. But it sounds like no matter what you do it may never be enough for the ex.

Some key factors that may be playing a part in her behavior, and to which you might want the answers, are:

1)       How did their relationship end? Was it her decision or his?

2)       Her daughter was only 6 months when you guys started dating, this isn’t quite Bridget Moynahan vs. Gisele Bundchen, but it’s close. Could this be hurting her? To see her daughter bond with another woman?

3)       Does she have someone else in her life? Similar to the relationship you and your boyfriend have? Could she be jealous?

Of course, none of these answers is an excuse for her to act the way that she does but it may at least help you to understand her a little bit better.

I would suggest the three (or four, if she also has a new partner in her life) of you sit down for a discussion. Try and find a way to communicate, not for yourselves but for the little girl.

But you must also remember to stick up for yourself. It’s been very honorable of you to allow the ex-wife to call the shots as to when you are around her daughter BUT (big but here) there is also a point where you should stand up for yourself, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your love of the little girl too. You have been around for two years now. His daughter knows you and knows that this isn’t just some fling. It’s time to stop letting the ex control everything. It’s possible she has realized that her freak-outs get her what she wants. Stand up to her and tell her what you and your boyfriend need now.

At the end of the day, if she is still acting like the Wicked Witch of the West, you just need to realize, as Chris Rock put it best: “that *itch is crazy!” Alas, whether it’s an ex-wife, a mother-in-law, a best friend, or even a pet, our loved ones always come with some kind of baggage that we have to deal with to the best of our abilities. And unfortunately, or so I’ve been told, you can’t run over all the folks in your partner’s life that annoy you. It’s a real bummer.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

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15 Nov
My Twelve Year Old Still Picks His Nose!

We’ve got another guest poster on our hands, ladies! Today’s wonderful wisdom comes from the funny and talented Mandy of You’ve Got to be Kidding Me.   With her love of Windex and inability to be photographed without looking like a serial killer, I’m fairly certain she’s my prettier, blonder, thinner long-lost twin. Obviously, I hate love her.

Take it away, Oh Mandy…

–Kristine, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a 12 year old who has a very bad habit of picking his nose. How can I stop this habit?

Signed,

Mom of Booger Eater

__________________________________________

Dear MOBE,

Before I answer your question, I have to take a moment to stop dry heaving over my keyboard. I can see this happening to the mother of a 1-year-old or a 2-year-old child, but I’m surprised that you’ve got yourself a 12-year-old snot sucker.

As the mother of a seven-year-old boy, I can only speak to dealing with that level of maturity. I’m pretty good at having reasonable conversations with him. I’m sure you’ve already tried talking sense to the twelve-year-old and trying to rationalize with him (or her). If telling him it’s gross and he won’t have many friends left if he keeps doing this hasn’t discouraged him, you might have to get sort of Tiger Mom on him.

You could go the way of negative reinforcement and threaten to take away everything that he loves. In my house that means screen time – television screens, computer screens, Nintendo DS screens, etc. Or get one those spray bottles of water that people use on cats. Maybe you could just squirt your child every time you catch him or her with a finger up the nose? My college psychology courses suggest that behavior modification works with many lab animals.

If negative reinforcement isn’t your bag, you could opt for positive reinforcement, or as I like to call it, “bribing.” What does your twelve-year-old child covet? Promise a juicy reward if the child can stop him or herself from doing the disgusting deed. Maybe it’s a new bike, a cell phone, a video game … all of his younger sibling’s toys. Whatever it takes to curb this booger burglar.

And to help reduce any physical symptoms that may be contributing to your child’s nasty habit, you could try some preventative medicine. A dry nose may be more tempting to pick, so try putting a humidifier in your child’s room or giving him nose drops to help moisturize the nasal passages.

Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure what else you can do. Quite frankly I thought you’d have to deal with masturbation at this age and not nose picking. I hear the spray water bottle works with that too, by the way.

Good luck,

Mandy, Guest TMH

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