30 Nov
Sex Math

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My fiancé and I have always had amazing sex, for the first three years of our relationship we were intimate two or three times a day every day. For the past year he has become un-interested in sex and more interested in cuddling in front of the TV, which I love to do, after sex.

Things have slowed down a lot, and I am starting to feel neglected. He is 29 and I am 28, is it normal for a man to lose so much sex drive? I’ve tried dressing up, wearing lingerie and even porn! The most I get is me on top for 5 or 8 minutes two or three times a week. We are both fitness nuts (I am a yoga teacher beside my normal job) and I am insanely attracted to my man, I just wish he reciprocated my advances. HELP!!!

Signed,

What Do I Do

______________________

Dear Do Me,

Oh great, a math question.  Fine.

Let’s say 2.5 times a day, every day for a year.  That’s 912.5 sexes a year.  Times three years, and we’re up to 2737.5.  You don’t happen to remember what that .5 was, do you? It’s kind of bugging me. (Also, I now have my Lotto numbers! I’m out of this joint, suckers!)

Due to excessive sex over the last three years, I suspect that you broke his penis or have already had your lifetime allotment of sex. And probably some other people’s as well. (Thanks a LOT, by the way.)

So, definitely get him a check up. But most importantly, talk to him.

It may be unrealistic to expect the three times a day sex (when did you get your TV viewing in?!) but if you’re feeling neglected, you need to have an intimacy discussion.

Some couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking about.

Discuss the things that you can do to get those numbers up (we have quotas to meet here, people!) and see if you can agree on a challenge. A friend of The Mouthy Housewives, Betty wrote a wonderful book documenting the 52 Seductions that she and her husband shared. Some great (and tried and true) ideas there.

So start talking. Find out if the two of you are going through a phase or something else is happening. And then turn off the TV. (Yes, it does pain me to type that.)

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH
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29 Nov
Smile And Say Cheese! Now, Pay Up!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a photographer who absolutely adores her job. Nothing is more awesome than capturing memories with my family and friends. However, this career choice has come at a price.

I now find myself constantly on everyone’s guest list, even for my ‘not so close’ friends. But I think my popularity is only based on my camera. I’m not sure I’d be invited if I wasn’t going to capture all of their precious memories for them, for FREE.

I now wrestle with myself over attending these events. Often times, after I get over myself and just go I feel good about it. I get the photos and really enjoy having them UNTIL the inviter (I may have just made that word up) starts hassling and bugging me nonstop to have copies or a disk prepared for them immediately. I don’t feel like it’s right to charge my friends and family for me to be at their celebrations, but how do I tell them nicely that I’m not here for them to use and abuse?

Sincerely,

I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon
____________________________________________

Dear I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon,

Where did you say you lived? Near Brooklyn? Maybe you have next weekend free and would love to picnic in the park with me and my cuter-than-the-cutest-Gerber-baby son who is in dire need of a modeling contract? Also, can you pick up some sandwiches, a couple bottles of wine, and some cookies for the lunch? I’ll bring the blanket and the photogenic kid.

But after that, I would suggest that every once in a while you show up to a shindig without your trusty film-dependent sidekick. Keep everyone on their toes. They will learn pretty quickly not to rely on you to always have your camera and be their unpaid professional photographer. Unfortunately, I think this will be easier said than done.

It seems to me that part of the problem here is your lack of confidence in your own self-worth. While you may enjoy all the photos you take at these events, you may actually be way more scared that people only like you because of your camera. You are worried that if it’s not with you, they will stop inviting you. And for some of these folks, that could indeed be the case. But honestly, do you really want ‘friends’ who only like you because they can get your services for free?

You are lucky to be able to make a living doing something you love and enjoy; not a lot of people can say that. But part of being successful is knowing when to say ‘NO’. And you’ve got to do that, especially for those ‘not so close’ friends. As for your other friends and family, it’s a fine line you’re walking. It makes sense that you don’t want to charge them for your services, however, how will you continue to make a living? Perhaps you can take some pictures for free, but if they want the whole set they will need to pay something. Or maybe you can offer all of the photos at a reduced rate? No matter what you do, don’t undersell yourself. Take pride in your work, and more importantly, who you are as a person!

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

P.S. I’ll need 60 8x10s and about 200 wallet-sized photos. Thanks.

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28 Nov
Facebook Makes Strange Bedfellows

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just noticed my female cousin and my ex-husband are now “friends” on Facebook. My ex was verbally/physically/mentally abuse to me as well as verbally/mentally abusive also to my cousin. Do you feel this is appropriate for the two of them to now be friends on Facebook?

Signed,

Dislike!

_______________________________________________________

Dear Dislike,

Do you remember a time before Facebook? Where family drama was communicated through phone lines and in whispered hushes at family gatherings? When you had to work a bit harder to be passive aggressive about your feelings for your siblings choice of spouse? When the Internet was a place for the young and hip and not the aging and hip-replaced?

Yeah, me neither.

The fact of the matter is that I find many things about Facebook to be highly inappropriate. They include but are not limited to the following:

1. Telling me what you’re doing today, whether it’s going to the post office or making pasta for dinner. Yes, life is boring, and we’re all gonna die. We don’t need the reminder.

2. ANYTHING THAT MUST BE ACCENTUATED WITH ALL CAPS. Especially if you’re referencing the murder of your husband.

3. Posting pictures of your cleavage. Or moobs. Let’s at least pretend we’re not whores.

4. Updates that fish for compliments, flattery, sympathy, or advice on how to unclog a toilet. Your insecurities and digestive issues make everyone feel uncomfortable.

5. Images of my underage nieces and nephews chugging vodka and/or straddling members of the opposite sex. Mostly because it’s too much too fast, but also because it makes me feel old and prudish.

6. Public feuds. Please have the courtesy to NOT delete your humiliating arguments with your sister in-law. What’s embarrassing for you is a much-needed mood-lifting perspective for the rest of us.

Really, I could go on, but I worry that I’ll implicate myself at some point. So, back to you. Your situation is, hands down, also inappropriate. You should feel supported by your family, especially if you had the strength and courage to get yourself out of an abusive marriage. I can’t pretend to know why your cousin would make that connection, but I think you should certainly confront her. You don’t need to start a fight (though, if you do, please don’t delete it), but be honest about how this betrayal has made you feel.

In the end, what your cousin has done isn’t a Facebook issue, but a sensitivity issue. We’ve already written off the character of your ex, but your family should know better. (Then again, if your cousin also starts posting images of her cleavage, just cut the strings and call it a day.)

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

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24 Nov
Thankfully

It’s Thanksgiving and we are feeling thankful.

We are thankful for our families and our children and our friends and our DVRs (not necessarily in that order).   And we are thankful that we get to spend a portion of each day with you,   trying to solve your problems, reading your comments and suggestions, laughing and crying with you.

Beyond that, we have compiled a list of what each of us is thankful for.   (Besides the ability to end a sentence with a preposition, because who is going to stop us?)

Marinka is grateful for:

  • The   Real Housewives on Bravo.   Just because they cannot see me, doesn’t mean that we are not friends.
  • Starbucks half-caffs. Yes, really.
  • Laura Lippman’s books. Because they are page turners and every time one comes out, I can’t wait to read it. Also, Ruth Rendell.
  • My kids’ reaction to snow. Because the Eskimos may have 52 words for snow, but my kids have 53 prayers that the snow will turn into a snow day off from school. (That’s ok, I have 54 that school will remain open.)

Tonya is grateful for:

  • The thick glass that separates me and my foul mouth from all of the ridiculous folks who try and jump in front of my car, even if I was driving on the sidewalk that one time. You could see me! Hello!!!
  • Rap music. It keeps me gangsta, yo.
  • Donuts. Do I need a reason?

Kristine is grateful for:

  • Empty calories. If they’re empty, then they can’t count, right? ::guzzles eggnog latte::
  • Infantile Amnesia. Could you imagine if they could remember those 3am pep-talks around month four or five of no sleep? I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure mine always included offensive language. Something along the lines of OHMYGODJUSTLETMESLEEPORIWILLDIERIGHTHEREINTHENURSERY
  • Selective memory. (See above.)
  • Push-up bras. Not because I NEED them, of course. They’re just so…OK FINE, I totally need them.
  • Internal dialogue. Oh, wait a second. I think I just confused my Thanksgiving list with my New Year’s resolutions.
  • Bladder control. (See above.)

Kelcey is thankful for:

  • Botox, fillers and laser resurfacing. Maybe not yet. But soon. Very very soon.
  • The fact that we live in a world where we can easily stalk ex-boyfriends online instead of showing up at their house and getting arrested.
  • Kathie Lee and Hoda. Because if you can’t enjoy a glass of wine while you host a morning show, when can you?
  • My four gorgeous children. Especially when they are sleeping.
  • “Footloose” remakes. Oh, and the original. Okay, any opportunity to sing “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” while wearing red cowboy boots.

Wendi is thankful for:

  • Barry Manilow. I can’t smile without him.
  • The PTA. So different from the PITA.
  • The fact that it’s not freezing in Texas during the summer. No need for pashima!
  • Pedicures. Other people beautifying my toes– can’t put a price tag on that! Although $15 plus tip seems about right.

Please tell us what you’re thankful for this holiday! And have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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23 Nov
Welcome to the 4th Grade! Where’s Your Bra?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I get an email every Sunday night from my daughter’s 4th grade teacher that covers anything important for the week. But this week’s email said, “Please make sure your child is dressed for running outside, stretching, and being active. This eliminates tight skirts, floppy or clunky shoes, and coming to school without a jacket. A supportive sports-bra if your girl is beginning to bud is a thoughtful gesture, and crystal/deodorant if they are beginning to perspire is especially appreciated by their pregnant teacher! : )”

My daughter is 9-years-old! I am NOT going to give her a complex about her teeny tiny boobs or a little bit of sweat. I don’t think it is the teacher’s place AT ALL to bring up bras and deodorant. In my opinion, it is a parenting issue. I know little girls are developing earlier and earlier these days, but I’m still going to let my newly 9-year-old go without a bra and deodorant. She’s too young to worry about vanity. She goes to school in clean and appropriate clothing and has a bath or a shower everyday.

What do you think? Should she be told by her teacher to wear a bra? I know this wasn’t directed at my girl personally, but I would hate for the teacher to ever say anything to the girls about this.

Signed,

Mind Your Own Beeswax, Teacher

______________________

Dear Mind Your Own Beeswax,

Wow, where do I begin? B.O., sports bras, pregnant teachers and the phrase “if your girl is beginning to bud.” I feel like I’m trapped in an ABC After School Special with Lance Kerwin all of a sudden. Should I put on a crocheted vest and try some of that groovy angel dust I’ve been hearing so much about? Maybe I’ll do it right after I make-out with an older dude at the disco roller rink. Whee!

But back to your question. Right off the bat, I will agree that yes, the teacher is somewhat overstepping her bounds in regards to her students’ personal hygiene and support garments. Those are most definitely matters best left to parents. However, there are two things that might be at play here.

First, she’s pregnant and therefore extremely sensitive to smell.   I know that when I was pregnant, I couldn’t stand the aroma of coffee and used to yell at my co-workers for having the nerve to use the office coffee pot in the morning. “Don’t you idiot caffeine-freaks care about my unborn child?! Don’t you? What is wrong with you selfish morons? I HATE YOU!” You know, I’m still not sure why I was laid-off.

What I’m trying to say is maybe you can cut her a little slack with the deodorant issue. Your daughter may not need it, but others might. I know my 9-year-old son’s armpits have started smelling like a New York city cab driver’s lately, so we just had to buy him some deodorant. (Baby’s First SpeedStick! So cute!)

And the second thing at play is maybe she’s advising bras because the girls who are “budding” are being teased. Rather than singling them out and/or speaking to their parents privately, she opted for sending an email to everyone. Or maybe she’s noticed that when the girls are being active at recess, like on the monkey bars, sometimes their tops flip up and there’s nothing underneath. At any rate, if you don’t think your daughter needs a bra, I wouldn’t worry about it.

I do agree that a 9-year-old girl shouldn’t have to worry about “vanity,” however wearing a bra and smelling good are issues that are going to come up sooner than you think so it never hurts to teach her about it while she’s young. (Because you don’t want her to be this person when she grows up.) And while your kid’s teacher might be a little bit of a busybody, I have to say that it sounds like she really cares about the kids, too. Even the smelly ones.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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