Ever wonder if your son is gay?
Well, instead of doing something ridiculous like talking to him, why not use a Google Android App, instead? It’s under $3 and just jam-packed full of stereotypes. And we know what an absolute time-saver stereotypes can be.
And since we’re guessing that the app will appeal mostly to the morons among us, it’s also super easy to use. Just answer 20 Yes/No questions and you’ll have your answer at the touch of a button!
Here are some of the questions about your son, and no, we are not making them up:
Does he like to dress well: is he very careful when choosing his outfits and selecting brands?
Before he was born, did you wish for a girl?
Does he read the sports page in the newspaper?
Is he a fan of divas (Madonna, Britney Spears)?
Does he like musical comedies?
Does he take a long time to do his hair?
If the app concludes that he is not gay, it congratulates the lucky parent: “You do not have to worry, your son is not gay. So there are chances for you to be grandmother with all the joys it brings.”
Seriously, what the hell? Is there some kind of correlation between sexuality and being a parent that we are not aware of?
But if your son has been singing along to Madonna, you better steel yourself: “No need to look the other way! … He is gay! … ACCEPT IT!”
We’re hoping that Google will soon market a companion “Are Your Parents Idiots?” App.
In just twenty questions, it will let the concerned teen know what the hell is wrong with his parents. Perhaps with your help, we can develop it.
What questions would the app ask?
The word “teenager” strikes fear into many a heart, more than “zombies” or “apocalypse” or “Jerry Springer for President” ever could. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a parent who doesn’t have some back-up plan in place for when their precious son or daughter turns into that moody, self-absorbed, hormonal monster from ages 13-19. This usually involves some form of confinement like boarding school, a mountain cabin, or crate training. And the reason for this is that we are all terrified; scared of the poor decisions our teenagers will make, the least of which is whether or not to give in to peer pressure.
How do we know to be this fearful? Because we’ve all been there! At 15, I remember thinking it was completely reasonable to do a beer bong after three wine coolers at a party where my friend and I knew absolutely no one. Because being a drunk teenage girl in the middle of a house full of strangers is completely safe.
My mother and step-father were cops so I did, in fact, know better. To this day, my sister and I can recite verbatim a fair number of stories where our mom had to be the one to knock on a parent’s door and tell them their teenager had been killed in a drunk driving accident. And yet, we didn’t listen. It’s only by sheer luck that we are both still here.
These days, I’m a fairly relaxed parent. For example, my son is able to wear whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if that means I’m accompanying a pirate to the grocery store in the middle of summer. But when I think of his teenage years, I become less laid back. I still believe in giving a child the space and freedom to make choices. However, I also know that once those hormones kick in and there’s a driver’s license involved, all logic goes out the window and peer pressure is paramount. In those instances, a device like Soberlink can be instrumental. If you have a teenager, take a few minutes to check this out:
In my opinion, there are just some situations where a choice shouldn’t be an option. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you use something like Soberlink when your teenager takes the car out for a night on the town?
– Tonya, TMH
Thank you to Soberlink for sponsoring this post.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have been separated for a year and a half now. We do not have a formal agreement in place but are living apart. Last year I was ‘excused’ from sending out Christmas cards due to a death in the family. This year I am at a loss at to what I should do. Not everyone knows about the separation (and I am making myself sick thinking about the gossip that will arise once everyone knows) but if I send out a card with myself and my kids, the cat will be out of the bag. Help!
Dear Secretly Separated,
I’m sorry for your separation. But I’m guessing that your “secret separation” is not so secret at all. These things tend to get out and kids are not so fabulous at keeping their mouths shut. Like the way my 4-year-old shouted yesterday in a crowded public restroom… “Mom, what’s taking you so long? Are you pooping? It smells like you are pooping.” No I’m not! Here’s my iPhone. Please stop screaming!
I’m sure by now your separation is old news and the ladies in the neighborhood are already gossiping about that middle aged mom who has been seen THREE times with that young handsome Starbucks barista. (She must really like coffee.) Plus, so what if they are talking about you? Maybe one of those chatty Cathys knows of an eligible bachelor a couple towns over that might be your future soul mate.
But if you are really trying to keep this under wraps with distant relatives and whoever else is on your Christmas list, just send a photo of your kids. A lot of people do this because children are so much cuter than those of us who are age challenged and beginning to wrinkle and sag. No one will think anything of it!
But you should not be ashamed of your separation. It sounds like you are doing what’s best for your family and yourself.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently moved in with my boyfriend and his cat is an asshole. He wakes me up in the middle of the night, attacks my feet and looks at me funny.
How long do cats generally live? My boyfriend is very attached to the cat, so please don’t suggest getting rid of him.
Dear Cat Hater,
One of the things we pride ourselves on the most at The Mouthy Housewives is our ability to put aside our personal biases and answer each question with an open mind. Therefore, let me just close my Cat Fancy magazine and lovingly tuck Dickens, my little calico cat who gives me reason to get up each morning, into her silk lined kitty basket before I give you a fair and balanced response. (ahem)
YOU’RE A BIG, MEAN CAT HATER AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD DUMP YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE REAL LOVE!
OK, maybe that response tilted a little more to one side than the other. Can I try it again?
IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CAT, GOOD LUCK WITH HIS MOTHER, DUMMY!
Nope—still a little unbalanced, I think. One more time:
HOW DO YOU THINK THE CAT LIKES YOU MOVING INTO HER HOUSE? HUH? EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU STOLE HER PERSON, YOU MISERABLE THIEF!
And……nailed it. Fair AND balanced! Booyah!
Here’s the thing: the cat was there before you, your boyfriend loves the cat. Therefore, you need to learn to live with it. For starters, see if it’s possible to keep the cat out of the bedroom while you sleep. That should cut down on the waking you up part. Wear socks or shoes if she’s attacking your feet. It sounds like she’s got a lot of kitten in her, so that’ll probably subside soon.
And as far as thinking that the cat is “looking at you funny,” well, that’s just weird. Even weirder than The Friskies Fairy leaving cat food around your house. So unless you can get the cat to agree to wear little cat sunglasses, you’re just going to have to ignore it. The cat really isn’t out to get you. It’s more interested in the mice under your bed.
You love your boyfriend. Your boyfriend loves his cat. Keep an open mind and you just might grow to love the cat, too and live meowfully ever after. (Sorry.)
P.S. Miss Dickens just had her 19th birthday. You might be in this for the long haul, my friend.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is an alcoholic. He’s also very jealous and possessive. He’s taken our grocery budget and spent in on booze. He’s done some faulty things with loose women. If it were up to him, I would be trapped at home 24/7, and he gets angry if I go out and have fun without him.
Recently, I went out for a girls’ night, and my husband agreed to stay home with our two year old son. After I left however, he promptly invited friends over and drank like a fish out of water. He then called me to say that he couldn’t get our son to sleep and decided to let our friend drive him around drunk!
I was beyond mortified and furious! Long story short, when I confronted our friend he told me that he wasn’t drunk, didn’t drive anywhere, and that my husband was lying about it to get me home early. He even bragged about how fast he could make me skip out on Girls’ Night.
But the twist is he’s a great father. He didn’t have a father growing up, and its very important to him to be an active part of our son’s life. They have a great relationship, and he’s my son’s best friend, hands down.
I can’t afford counseling so please don’t suggest it; I’m on food stamps as is. Can I fix our broken marriage? Should I even bother? I dream that we could be an old couple celebrating 50 years together. But now, I’m not so sure what to do. Help!
Tired. Tried. Teary Eyed.
Dear Tired. Tried. Teary Eyed.,
Let me get this straight:
1. Your husband is emotionally abusive and manipulative.
2. He spends his son’s food money on booze because he’s a raging alcoholic.
3. His fidelity is in question.
4. And he thinks it’s funny to JOKE about DRUNK DRIVING with a TWO YEAR OLD?
This answer is so crystal clear to me that it almost reminds me of Mediterranean waters (just with added sadness and despair):
YOU NEED TO GET OUT. Move, divorce him, whatever. But you need to get your son out of this environment posthaste.
You may think your husband is a fantastic father, but if he were, he wouldn’t have used that night alone with his little boy to party with his friends; he would’ve spent some quality time with the child. And in addition to endangering the welfare of your son by getting drunk while watching him (omfg), he’s also a terrible role model for the boy. I’ve heard it put this way: would you want your son growing up to be your husband? If not, he’s not father material. (If you need further convincing, look up a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Your husband may think he’s being a part of his son’s life, but when he’s drunk, he’s not actually THERE and this will have lasting detrimental effects.)
Sure, he may be plagued with alcoholism, but you are actually enabling the disease by bending your life to fit around his destructive lifestyle. If you want to try to get him help, go for it. (There’s also Al-Anon for you, and they’re free!) But know that he’s got to want it for himself if it’s ever going to work. No ones to say that you can’t patch things up while he’s clean, but for now, he needs to get on the wagon before you can even THINK about next week, not to mention the next fifty years.
Run, don’t walk,
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