24 Aug
Why Buy The Cow If You’re Lactose Intolerant?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a  21 year old woman and  got married 25 days ago ( we were engaged for 2 and a half months.)  We have not had sex even once.  I just don’t have any feelings towards him and can’t seem to get turned on.

In my defence he does not seem to get turned on by me that much either.  We are both nice looking, not hideous and straight.   I just dont know why there’s no chemistry in this relationship.

Otherwise he’s a great guy and is a very loving husband.  What do you think I should do?   I did try the lingerie and all that other stuff but I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him.  I don’t want to be divorced,but I am not going to live in a sexless marriage! I am still a virgin.


Married Without Sex


Dear Married Without Sex,

I now know exactly how Joe Biden felt when he was debating Sarah Palin in the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. Where do I begin?

You married someone for whom you have no sexual feelings.  I suppose the good news is that the lack of these feelings is mutual.  But I have to ask: were there no hints during your courtship that there was no chemistry between the two of you?  Did you realize before the wedding that you thought of this man as a friend and not as a sexual partner?

Please know that there are plenty of non-hideous, wonderful people who are not attracted to each other. These people can be great friends, but they probably shouldn’t get married. At least not to each other.

You should talk to your husband, in the presence of a therapist, to discuss your  lack of sexual feelings towards each other, and how you both feel about the marriage. Although I personally can’t imagine that an entirely sexless marriage could be happy one, I admit that it does leave a lot of time for things like TV viewing.

Beyond the joint session with your husband, I would also recommend that you speak to a counselor individually in order to get some insight into why you entered this marriage.  You say that your husband is a great guy– you owe it to both of you to address this now.  And not with lingerie, with a diplomas-on-the-wall professional.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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23 Aug
My Son Thinks I’m A Buzzkill!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 17 year-old son (18 in December) has decided he is going to start making his own decisions and stop living by my rules. This means he is going to continue to smoke pot when he’s hanging out with his friends.   I’ve restricted him three times already and began drug testing, but it doesn’t help. Unless I lock him up and throw away the key, he said he will continue to get stoned because he likes the way it makes him feel. He thinks I should look the other way and let him smoke pot as long as he keeps his grades up, has a job, and is not getting into any trouble. By the way, his father and I are divorced, and my ex-husband doesn’t really want to push the issue with him. Thoughts, suggestions, or am I overreacting?


Mary Jane


Dear Mary Jane,

First, my heart goes out to you. This sounds like an incredibly difficult and scary situation to be in, and you’ve clearly been busting your ass to try to make things work. Regarding the should-I-just-let-him-smoke-pot issue, my response, is a resounding NO EFFING WAY. Because it’s clear to me that it’s not okay with you.

The bottom line is that, regardless of his age, he’s still living in your home. So, if we ignore the whole drug issue momentarily, we still have the fundamental problem of rule-breaking and blatant disrespect.   To put it mildly: your son is being a total jerk. (The good news is that we can still love our children even while they’re being jerky. I’ve verified this with my own kids.)

This testing of boundaries and independence is certainly a natural part of growing up, but it doesn’t mean we as parents should just look the other way. Exactly why your son has turned to drugs is a serious issue that needs to be explored. I would strongly recommend seeking a support network and talking about this with an experienced family therapist. Family counseling can be invaluable when the child views you as an enemy rather than an ally. A mediator can get those lines of communication back open. (Which is nice, since kids don’t seem to respond well to the I LABORED FOR 24 HOURS WITH YOU, YOU SELFISH SONOFA–)

If you can’t get your son to agree to counseling, you might need to take extreme measures. (And I think physical restraints are “frowned upon,” unfortunately.) Since keeping him in your home is essentially enabling the very behavior you’re trying to curb, you might need to help him find alternate living arrangements until he’s ready to function as a responsible, respectful adult. You certainly deserve that much as his mother.

We all wish you luck,

Kristine, TMH

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22 Aug
My Friend Thinks My Baby is a Bore!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a 6 month old daughter but one of my friends doesn’t have any kids.   Every time I start to talk about my daughter and the whole experience of being a mother, I can just tell that she couldn’t care less.   This hurts me, because she is one of my oldest friends and I would expect her to support me with this huge, huge part of my life.   Can this friendship be saved?


I’m a Mother, not a Pariah


Dear I’m a Mother,

I distinctly remember my friends who had kids before me.   They would talk at length about their cute little babies… the tiny toes, their chunky thighs and the adorable way they were starting to roll over. And as they droned on and on, I thought about three things:

1. I hope my roommate didn’t screw up the VCR again because I really want to watch “ER” tonight.

2. My dog rolls over and I’ve never bored anyone to death about it.

3. What is so impressive about rolling over anyway? I had two blind dates last night back to back. Now that takes some real coordination.

And what I said out loud was, “Your baby sounds great! Anyway, can you grab drinks tonight?”

It’s not that your friend doesn’t care about you or what’s going on in your life, it’s just that you two are in different places right now. She just can’t relate. Some day your friend will become a mom or an aunt and suddenly, she will understand the mesmerizing beauty of a baby’s face. Or you know, maybe she’ll always think of babies as buzz killing Cabbage Patch Dolls that cry too much. It’s hard to know.

But either way, it doesn’t have to end your friendship. I’m sure you have mom friends that you get together with to coo over your offspring and discuss your children’s pacifier addictions. But sometimes, you just need some cocktails and adult conversation (like to discuss why some women bleach their anuses. Really, why?!).   So call up your friend and enjoy a proper girls night out.   I bet you’ll have a blast.

Have fun,

Kelcey, TMH

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18 Aug
What’s a Little Adultery Between Adults?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just found out that my best friend has been cheating on her husband for the last two years. She and her husband have two daughters, ages 8 and 10. I caught her and her, um, “Mister? Scumbag? Piece of Ass?” making out and then she admitted to being madly in love with him and announced to me that her marriage has been “over” for years.

So, I did what any loving friend would do and gave her a piece of my mind. I know I should just mind my business and be there for my friend who is probably going through the roughest time of her life, but WTF? She’s running around on her marriage like a teenager, WHICH SHE IS NOT, and is getting drunk every weekend and just ignoring the fact that she has a family who needs her.

My advice to her, which she didn’t ask for, was to sort out her marriage (even if that means moving forward with a divorce), quit drinking so much (because she can’t think straight if she’s chugging vodka), and THEN move on to this new man if he’s still around and she still loves him. She cried, she told me I was right, but now she won’t speak to me because she knows I’ll give her a hard time.

I’m lost. I don’t know how to be her friend without giving her a piece of my mind. Plus I kinda don’t trust her anymore since she’s being such a sneaky liar. HELP!


Judgy McJudgerson


Dear Judgy McJudgerson,

I usually avoid answering any questions that last longer than a paragraph, but I’m going to give this kerfuffle of yours my best shot today. Mostly because I just had a Frappuccino and my mind’s racing like a mofo right now. Wheeeeee! Everything’s coffee colored!

Now, forgive me when I say that your situation sounds like something we’ve all seen a million times on various soap operas. By that I mean I’m pretty sure Hope, Patch, Lucky, Scorpio and Snapper probably all found themselves in your shoes at least once over the years. Which doesn’t make it any easier on you, of course, so I’m not quite sure why I brought that up except it was kind of fun to say “Snapper.” (Snapper.)

In my opinion, you did the right thing by telling her what you really think. That’s what a real friend does—-tells the truth even if it hurts. Obviously she doesn’t want to hear it, so it looks like you have a couple of choices now:

1. Keep your mouth shut about her cheating and drinking and just be there for her if she needs you.

2. Accept that your friendship is over and move on.

3. Remain friends, but subtly bring up counseling if at all possible.

My instinct would be to just leave her to her own devices, but I also suspect that she’s really off the rails right now and may soon need your support. Maybe a simple, “I don’t agree with what you’re doing, but please know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk” would suffice. For the sake of her kids, I hope she works everything out before too long.

You’re a good friend to care so much about her. I bet even Snapper would agree.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH


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17 Aug
Mouthing Off: When Moms Steal Groceries

That’s right. This post is about when moms steal groceries (or alternately titled, “When Moms Mistakenly Steal Three Luna Bars and a Jumbo Bottle of Ketchup Because the Kids Won’t Stop Whining, Crying and Grabbing Shit Off the Shelves).

A mother was recently banned from the Fairway supermarket in New York City for walking out of the store without paying for half a gallon of milk, Red Bull and a six pack of Corona that were sitting in the bottom of her stroller. (She did pay for $50 worth of groceries.) She insists she forgot about the items in her stroller because her 20-month-old got fussy but the store claims she intentionally covered them up and walked out.

I have no idea if this woman is some kind of klepto or not but I’m really guessing NOT.   Because grocery shopping with small children is not an errand. Not even close. It’s a extreme Olympic sport where you must locate and purchase your items with great speed and determination, before one of those little beings gets thirsty, needs a nap, misses her Dora doll, has a meltdown and overall makes your life unbearable. You’re sweating before you even walk in the store. It’s a real mom MacGyver kind of situation.

And because it’s impossible to push a stroller AND a shopping cart (unless you travel with a personal assistant which I unfortunately do not), then you must throw all your items in your jumbo purse or the bottom of your stroller.

So please understand that moms make every attempt to extract all the items from the bottom of the stroller but it’s easy to miss something if let’s say your little Billy is shrieking because he didn’t get his organic soy gluten free vanilla bean ice cream. It happens.

And if most of us moms were going to turn into Lindsay “sticky fingers” Lohan, we would not be trolling for free green beans at the local Stop & Shop. We would be pushing our SUV strollers through Tiffany or the handbag section of Bergdorf Goodman.

I am absolutely positive that mother was willing to pay for her milk, Red Bull and beer (all obvious necessities for parenthood) had the store stopped accusing her of shop lifting for a moment and worked out the situation in a reasonable way. (She was not arrested.)

Fairway (a powerhouse for organic products, specialty food and everyday staples) needs to lift the ban and allow this woman to shop there again. When you live in New York City, it’s not a simple case of just switching markets. This mother needs to walk to the places that are in her neighborhood. Fairway needs to do the right thing. Let this woman come back, and if they want to be super cool, offer her a complimentary Corona.




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