29 Jul
How To Get Your Kids To Stop Whiiiiinnnninnnngggg

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 3-year-old is the whiniest child I have ever met! It began almost a year ago when my son was born. She whines when he touches her toys, or his own toys, or a cup, or her! And then in the same whiny voice she has to give us a play by play of everything my son does throughout the day, “He’s touching the TV!”   “He’s eating a Cheerio!” Please tell me this stage will end soon and what I can do to help this attitude out the door?

Thanks ladies,

Whiny Wanda

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Dear Whiny Wanda,

I was immediately drawn to your question because, truth be told, it really sounds like my life. You see, I, too, have been accused of constantly whining. I whine when my kids touch their toys, I whine when my husband touches the TV and I really, really whine whenever someone touches a freakin’ Cheerio. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if it’s Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio or Merlot—I can’t go too long without whining or I get tremendously sad.

Wait—I just noticed your whining has an “h” in it, whereas my wining has a cork in it. Nevermind.

As every parent knows, whining can be maddening. And far greater childhood experts than I have tried to solve this problem and failed miserably. Every single one of them. Well, except for that doctor who advised mothers to blast lime Jell-O into a kid’s face every time he whines, but I think he later got blackballed by the AAP for being too radical and now he trains three-legged dogs in Cupertino. Not sure.

Anyway, it’s no coincidence that your daughter’s whining reached a fever pitch when Baby #2 came along. She had you just where she wanted you, then suddenly Mr. Cute Butt came along and she now has to compete with a younger, needier model for your attention. Experts call this the “Playboy Mansion phenomenon.” (Look it up if you don’t believe me.)

The number one thing that’ll make the whining go away is, of course, maturity, but in the meantime, you can try a few of these tricks:

— Tell her your ears don’t hear whining and ignore her until she speaks in a regular voice

— Talk to HER in a whining voice so she hears how ridiculous it sounds (husbands love this, too)

— Give her more responsibility or things that only “a big girl” can do to make her feel more special

— Buy ear plugs

Those tricks worked for me, for the most part, so give them a try. Of course, nothing will ever get a kid to completely stop acting like that. As my two boys have shown me over the past 10 years, whining to your parents is just a part of being a kid.

And that’s exactly why I do a little wining myself.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

 

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28 Jul
Dear Google: WTF?

If you have been blogging for any length of time, chances are that you have discovered the joys of looking at your statistics.   Statistics tell you where your readers are from, how long these readers spend on your masterpiece of a site and how they got to your blog.

We love looking at the Google searches that have led readers to The Mouthy Housewives, and we have compiled some of the best ones here for your enjoyment. (Inspired by Mom 101’s classic post.)

So, enjoy!  And if you’ve gotten any doozies, let us know.

how do porn actresses keep their anus pink

Fresh air is essential to a healthy, ruddy complexion!

should single lady make friends with other singles, or hang out with married couples

Depends.   Whoever has the pinkest anus.

windows smell like vomit

Bottle that scent!

can you keep your job after having sex with coworker

Yes.  Especially if you’re a porn star.

I feel uncomfortable when my stepdaughter sits on my husband’s lap

We feel uncomfortable reading about it.

daughter doesnt shave her armpits

As long as your son is shaving his, don’t worry about it!

wives taking money husband’s wallet

And using it to buy things.

www.google.com.au – my teenager doesn’t like school

There’s one on every continent!

MY HUSBANDS FRIEND HAS MADE ME PREGNANT

WE WOULDN’T SHOUT THAT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

housewives with girlfriend having sex

Yeah, you’re going to be really disappointed with our site.

 having a garge sale without losing your mind

Urban myth.   Can’t be done.

is my boyfriend cheating or am i just paranoid
Totally paranoid. DON’T LOOK UNDER THE BED.

i just started high school and this girl is copying me

It’s going to be a long four years.

can i change my child’s godparents

Yes, but it requires divine intervention.

my neighbor can see me naked

If only they’d invent some kind of  magical things that prevented people from looking into their neighbors’ windows.

is crazy sex normal

No, dumbass.  It’s crazy.

step daughter took mom’s vibrator

You’d think that Hallmark would make a card for every occasion.  And yet.

how to deal with a mean moms

Very carefully. Especially if you took their vibrators.

sex i heve diner with my frends husband

Bon appetit, you whoer.

 if i leave my puppy alone how sad will he be?

Oh, I don’t know. Puppy-dog-eyes-sad?

Happy Googling!

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27 Jul
My Baby Stole My Awesome Body and Won’t Give It Back!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m smart. So smart that I convinced my husband that having our children 15 months apart was a good thing. So I have a 16-month-old and a 4-week-old, and I love them both. But my body is a wreck!

I won’t bore you with the long sad sob story about how hot I was (very!) or how my self esteem has suffered to the point that I’m afraid to initiate sex with my husband for fear of rejection. I am wondering, however, if you have any ideas for toning and strengthening muscles (both inside and out, if you catch my drift) because I can’t tell if I’m doing those stupid kegels right.   Meanwhile, I fear that if these bat wings (aka arms) get any worse, I’ll be swooping into my kids’ rooms in the middle of the night for the (many, many) feedings.

Signed,

Flabby Franny

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Dear Flabby Franny,

Your problem is not your body. Your problem is that you’re all messed up in the head. And it’s not your fault. Because you just had a baby. 4 WEEKS AGO.   Plus, you already have a   16-month-old!   You basically have two babies on your hands who need something from you every moment of the day. You are beyond tired.

I’m amazed you are even thinking about your body. Or sex. Because I would be sobbing. Constantly. And I would be curled up in a ball, humming the theme song to “Gilligan’s Island” while snarfing down gummy colas. But you’re probably a lot more stable than I am.

You are being way too self critical. Give yourself time to adjust to life with two very young children. Focus on sleeping whenever you can. And most doctors don’t even give the okay for sex until you’re six weeks postpartum, so don’t rush it. There is plenty of time to have sex with your husband. According to my precise calculations… the rest of your life.

If you want to start exercising, throw those two bambinos in a stroller and start walking. Up hills, down hills and definitely to the coffee shop.   As for the rest of the time, your arms will get plenty of toning carrying those two kids around. When it comes to the kegels, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as if you were trying to stop yourself from peeing. Hold for five seconds and then release. Do this 10,000 times. Maybe less. Like 20 times.

While you’re practicing your kegels and strengthening your pelvic floor, your husband can practice saying things like, “You are the most gorgeous mother and wife I’ve ever seen.”   Now believe him. Because it’s true. You’re a MILF.

Good luck!

Kelcey, TMH

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26 Jul
Dare I Date A Younger Man?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently went to a friend’s wedding, and it was amazing!  There were so many available men and not so many available women. I love dancing, and had a blast dancing with guy friends and wound up dancing with Mr. Right (or Mr. Right for Now). I know his family a little and get along great with his mom. I was blown away by the sparks that ignited on the dance floor, as they don’t ignite very often. We danced twice. He was very sad to see me go. I couldn’t get him off my mind, daydreaming about running into him. Then this morning I, a 29 year old single mother of an older toddler, found out that he’s 21……..WTF??!! What do I do??

Signed,

Mrs. Robinson

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Dear Mrs. Robinson,

I’m no Stephen Hawking, so forgive me for any mathematical errors, but you seem to be eight years older than this man.  And it’s not like you’re 21 and he’s 13. (Look at me all mathy!) You are both consenting adults, free to pursue whatever happiness consenting adults can pursue together.  Spoiler alert– it doesn’t involve watching The Real Housewives of New York together. Trust me, I tried.

Eight years happens to be the exact age difference between me and my husband and you should hear him roll his eyes when I imply that I was his child bride.  In my defense, I was a very young 29.  So to me, the age difference is not significant.

You mention that you get along well with his mom, so perhaps you’re worried about how she will react if you hook up with her son.  Or maybe you’re uncomfortable because you are a mom yourself and this man is child-free.  These are all valid concerns, but not ones that should stand in the way of pursuing a relationship. At this point, we don’t know if the two of you have a spark off the dance floor,  common interests and things to talk about, however, so take it one step at a time.

Call him. And know that in the grand scheme of things, eight years is nothing.

Or, lie about your age.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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25 Jul
Mouthing Off: Do My Bones Make Me Look Fat In These Jeans?

It’s become increasingly clear that Kate Middleton and her sister, she of the distinguished derriere, must have some knowledge crucial to a superpower’s security because they have obviously been given what in some circles is termed “torture-lite.” This is a practice whereby the victim is literally starved for information.  Both women have become, simultaneously, über-thin and, strangely, powerful role models for young girls. Their gaunt frames are paraded on websites dedicated to pro-anorexia and severe dieting as the epitome of what a woman should strive to look like.

We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?

Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.”   Or  that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):

–             When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball.   It makes them go away.

–             Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.

–       Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.

Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional.  I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!

We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense.  Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.

So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.

Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal.  That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.

If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!

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Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post.  Check out their Social Twist promotion where you will have the opportunity to download a Hillshire Farm coupon for 55 cents. Or share the link socially and get a higher value coupon.

 

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