23 Jun
The Freewheelin’ Freeballers

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a predicament. I have 2 boys (ages 4 and 5) who both refuse to wear underwear. I’ve tried regular tighty whities, boxer briefs, boxers…all to no avail. They both have the argument the underwear is uncomfortable and “crowds” them too much. They aren’t wearing clothes that are too small, so I believe there should be plenty of space in their britches for some undergarments.

Should I continue to fight this never-ending battle or should I allow them their freedom to do as they please in this instance? For a clearer understanding, Daddy wears undies all the time, so this isn’t a family thing. I’m obviously not a guy, so I don’t really have a good retaliating argument against their reasons for not wearing them other than “because I said so” and we all know how well that one works.

I buy them long enough shorts so there’s less of a possibility for a mishap to occur where anyone else should ever notice (at least thru the pant leg) that they have no unders on. There is the risk that someone pulls their pants down revealing themselves to the world, at which point we have entirely other issues to be dealt with…help!

Signed,

Questioning My Free Flying Offspring
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Dear Questioning,

Remember when you first dreamed of having a baby? How you’d fantasize about wrapping them in soft, little blankies and singing lullabies to them? How you pictured the two of you cavorting in a field of daisies while your husband accompanied you on his heirloom lute? How you really, truly, sincerely hoped that one special day, you’d find yourself frantically apologizing to the branch manager of a Wells Fargo bank because one son just pulled down the other son’s shorts and screamed, “ATTACK OF THE NAKED WHITE BOOTY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, SUCKERS!” while 50 angry customers looked at you like you should be thrown in parenting jail because you didn’t even put underwear on your kid?

You did dream all of that? Me, too! And unfortunately, it all came true. (Well, not the lute part because, hello, lute?)

But as the mother of two boys (now ages 7 and 9), I have walked in your shoes, sister. I spent many a year begging, pleading, cajoling and crying for my boys to Just Put On Underwear. I tried the “Here! Pick out any kind you want! Aren’t the Transformers Boys’ Briefs chic?” I tried the embarrassing, “Do you want everybody at Steak ‘n Shake to see your private parts?” I may have even hinted that not wearing underwear can cause night blindness and bad flag football skills, but still nothing worked.

Here’s what did work: Threats.

I know everybody hates to go there, but find your kids’ most important currency, then tell them it goes away if they don’t put on underwear. For Jack, it was video game time. For Sam, it was play dates. It’s the nuclear option for sure, but if it’s important to you that they don’t go commando and let their boys fly freerange, give it a try.

And here’s the best news of all: Most times, this is just a phase of boyhood. I think it only lasted a couple of years for us, and now they’d never even dream of not wearing underwear. (Oh, another thing—I’ve always told them they don’t have to sleep in underwear, so that gives them some, um, flexibility.) So just be patient and hopefully your boys will soon outgrow their hatred of underwear and start wearing it every day without a problem.

Well, unless they go into politics. Then all bets are off.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

 

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22 Jun
Are You Surprised Or Did You Get Your Brows Waxed?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve been married for twelve wonderful years.   Until this year, when my husband decided a few months ago to get his eyebrows waxed into thin little things that I find completely repulsive.   It’s just so effeminate and eww.

I know that the trend is for men to get beauty treatments and be all metrosexual, but that’s not what I looked for in a life partner.

I told him that it’s a real turn off and he doesn’t understand what the big deal is.   The big deal is that it’s a turn-off.   He has done it twice so far and OMFG, what if he keeps doing it?

Any tips on how to get him to knock it off?

Signed,

Unibrow Fan

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Dear Unibrow Fan,

It’s always fun to see how the whole What’s Good For The Gander Is Good For the Goose thing plays out in real life, isn’t it?

After years of watching you go through tweezings, bleachings, waxings and Botoxing (I’m just guessing here) the poor guy wanted to give it a shot and this is the thanks that he gets?   Hmph.   How would you feel if it turned him off that you vote in the primaries because he considers the right to vote masculine?

This is the thin line that you’re walking, lady.   And it’s way thinner than your husband’s new eyebrows.

So if you have a solid marriage and you already told him that you don’t love the new look, drop it.   Part of marriage is supporting each other’s choices.   And you will need his support when you opt for the fashion trends that are predicted for this summer (bell bottom jeans, help us all.)

I have three suggestions,   presented in no particular order, but with 1 being the best and 3 being the worst.

1. Let it go.   They’re his eyebrows.

2. Avert your eyes whenever speaking to him and keep them tightly shut during intimate moments.   (Them = eyes; Intimate moments = sex).

3. Withhold sex until his eyebrows grow out.   The longer, the better.

Good luck with your decision,

Marinka, TMH

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Today’s the last day to enter our great giveaway for Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s great new book! Just leave a comment!

 

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21 Jun
Mouthing Off: Pole Dancing Preschoolers

Not sure what to do with your female toddlers, preschoolers, and tweens this summer? Well, apparently in the U.K. there’s a dance studio where little girls can take pole-dancing lessons.

Now, before any of you overprotective folk become horrified by this suggestion, let’s just take a moment to look at the pros (meant in more ways than one) this kind of class has to offer:

1)     Every little girl wants to grow up to be a ballerina, right? Realistically, however, the majority either don’t have the proper body type or they aren’t talented in that way (at least that’s how Mrs. Roberts put it to my mom, after which she suggested that perhaps instead of sports my mom should slip me a few mickeys), but the pole doesn’t require either of those things. Your little lady can grow up and get a job on the pole whatever her looks or talents. Sure, if she’s super flexible and in great shape, she’ll work at a much better paying club, but no matter what, she’s got a job! Three hoorays for job security!!

2)     She can then parlay this job into paying for college. Just ask any stripper at any club and they will tell you that is exactly what they are using their money for! Not meth, a college degree! In Biophysics!

3)     Your little ones will quickly come to understand the basis of what makes the world go around:   T&A! (Well, according to Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild.) And since he’s wealthy and incarcerated, he should know! They won’t have to be burdened by studying or bogged down by pesky worries about future careers. They’ll know that as long as there are dollar bills and beads in this world, they can simply shake their money maker and make it rain.

4)     Your daughter’s wardrobe will also become less expensive! Hooray! No longer will she be begging you to take her to The Gap or Abercrombie & Fitch. No, instead, she can get all she needs from the 99 cent store. With clothing that needs such a minimal amount of fabric, think of all the money (and laundry time) you’ll be saving!

5)     Finally, some classes are offered for both the moms and their daughters. Think of the togetherness! Nothing says bonding like 4-inch heels and climbing upside down on a metal rod! It may even land you both a top spot on Jerry Springer! Every little girl’s dream come true!

So, now, I don’t know about you, but I have a class that I need to sign my little girl up for and also her college fund to spend!

Maybe I can even get a few of those discontinued Forever 21 buttons: “I’m too pretty to do math”?

 

image source

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Don’t forget to enter our great giveaway for Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s great new book!   Just leave a comment on any post until tomorrow and you’ll be entered to win!

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20 Jun
Daddy Issues Aren’t Just for the Ladies

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve been dating a great guy for about seven months, and everything is great–except for the sex. Well, the sex is great, but recently he introduced “dirty talk” which I can’t stand. I’m worried that if I tell him outright that I don’t find such talk sexy, he’ll be offended and things will become awkward. Must I suffer in silence? (And why do men think that we want to hear that they’re our daddy?!)

Signed,

Dirty Dilemma

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Dear Dirty Dilemma,

If only our sexually awkward moments were as funny as they were on Friends, right?! (Or am I thinking of a porn movie? No matter. The point here is that this sounds pretty awkward. Also: funny.)

I feel like you have three solid options here:

1. Tell him the truth, woman! Tell him that talking dirty turns you off, not on. This will feel awkward at first, but c’mon: sex is supposed to be awkward! (I mean…isn’t it?) When you have the talk, however, I suggest you be prepared to offer an alternative to the–ahem–dirty talk. For example, perhaps you’d be interested in him texting pictures of his penis? (I hear it’s all the rage!) Or perhaps you can do something with…feet? Rex Ryan seems to be an authority on the matter, if you’re looking for suggestions. See also: Andy Dick.

2. Another option is to beat around the bush (heh) and come up with some sort of compromise to the dirty-talk option. For example, try learning “Daddy” in…I don’t know…Inuit or something. This way he’s getting what he wants, and you’re able to pretend it’s not really happening!

3. OR! Be passive aggressive! Who the hell needs a fulfilling sex life and sense of self-worth anyway?! The next time he asks you who your daddy is, you could answer him directly: “My Dad is Bob, remember? Balding? Mustache? Affinity for Dockers trousers?” Or be like, “Oh! That’s right! I forgot about Father’s Day! Let me go call him…be right back!” Keep in mind, however, that this option will not only   put the dirty-talk issue to rest, but the relationship as well. In addition to your sex drive. And ability to get future dates. Guys are weird like that.

I suppose there’s always the possibility that you’re simply sexually incompatible, but this sounds like a common hiccup and something that, with a little communication (and maybe some therapy) could certainly be worked through.

Go get ’em, tiger!

Kristine, TMH

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Don’t forget to enter our great giveaway for Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s great new book!   Just leave a comment on any TMH post until Wednesday, and you’ll be entered to win!

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18 Jun
The Mouthy Housewives Seal of Approval

Stop your wagering people, because The Mouthy Housewives Seal of Approval for the week has been decided! OMG, IT’S SO EXCITING!

This week we found a perfect, completely hilarious Father’s Day post to share with you all — The Scandalous Father’s Day Coupon Book by Ilana at MommyShorts!

It’ll make you laugh, then you’ll immediately want to go find your dad/husband/grandfather so you can give them a hug and say, “Thanks for not being a scumbag, dude!”

Congratulations, Ilana!

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