24 May
Everybody Into the Pool! Except My Son!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 4th grader was invited to the home of a classmate for an end-of-the-school-year party. Unfortunately, it’s a swim party and my child isn’t a very good swimmer. (He’s not scared, but not 100% comfortable, either.) Parents weren’t really invited to the party, and the thought of my child being with 20 other kids in a pool without much supervision scares me. Should I not let him go or find a way to be there, too? I don’t want to embarrass him.

Signed,

Pool Party Pooper

__________________________

Dear Pool Party Pooper,

Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the pool party. You get water up your nose, everything smells like chlorine and 90 percent of the time, you have a swimsuit wedgie that makes you walk like a constipated duck while you’re trying to socialize. But what do I know? I’m just the resident Mouthy Housewives curmudgeon. I’m sure most people think pool parties are frickin’ AWESOME.

Especially 4th grade boys.

Now, if your son has already expressed his nervousness about being in the water, it most likely means he’ll be extra cautious. However, if he hasn’t, you have every right to worry about him roughhousing with the other kids in the pool. Accidents happen and in my opinion, you should never, ever let your guard down in or around water.

Therefore, I suggest calling the hostess of the party and expressing your concerns. Chances are she won’t mind you hanging out at the party and will probably welcome your help. (Just play it cool while you keep an eye on your son and don’t be tempted to give him water wings or a Go, Diego, Go life jacket.) Also, if the hostess is a smart, anti-lawsuit woman, she’s probably already hired a few teenage lifeguards to be there, so that should also help ease your fears a bit.

If you haven’t already, be sure to enroll your son in a swim class at your earliest convenience because he’s going to need those skills for the rest of his life. Then take a deep breath and try to relax. Due diligence, especially in regards to pool parties, is always a good idea. But there’s no reason to let your worrying make you go off the deep end.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

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23 May
Hey, Mom!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My 8-year-old daughter has taken to calling her father and me by our first names.   It doesn’t bother either one of us, but some of our friends have told us that it’s disrespectful.   What do you think?

Signed,

Mrs. Mom

_____________________________

Dear Mrs. Mom,

Oh, a rose by any other name and all that.

Sorry, sometimes in The Mouthy Housewives kingdom we like to throw some Shakespeare around.   Soothes us on stressful days.

When I was a kid, I went through a “calling my parents by their first name” phase.   Which my parents did not enjoy one bit.   Eventually, I got bored with it and resorted to “mama” and “papa.”

My own kids, on the other hand, sometimes call their father by his first name and me by my initials. It doesn’t bother either one of us.

I asked my husband why it doesn’t bother him and he said, “I have bigger things to worry about.” Whoa, put down the world, Atlas! As for me, I’m not bothered because most of the time my kids speak to me in a respectful manner. And they didn’t try to weasel out of Mother’s Day on the technicality that they don’t always call me “mom,” so I feel confident that even though they refer to me by another name, they know that I’m their mother. (Besides, the times they’ve called me Mom, they’ve managed to make it into a three syllable word.)

You and your husband get to decide what you are comfortable being called by your kids.   If you are okay with being Jane instead of “mom” or “mommy,” it’s your right. You can judge if it is disrespectful by their tone more than the actual words. Feel free to confirm this with Joan Crawford.

If you would prefer to be called “mom,” you can insist on it with your daughter. Don’t respond to anything other than “mom” or some variation thereof. Or call her “daughter” only in retaliation. Remind her that she’s the only person in the world (assuming that she is an only child) that gets to call you “mom” and she should bask in the privilege.

And as with so many other things in life, if you are comfortable with your decisions, feel free to ignore your friends’ discomfort.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

If you have a question, problem, or dilemma that you’d like one of The Mouthy Housewives to answer, please email it to ask@mouthyhousewives.com !

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20 May
Help! My Boyfriend Hates My Boy Friends

TGIGPF, everybody! (That’s “Thank God It’s Guest Post Friday,” in case you’ve been living under a rock.) Today we’re thrilled to welcome a super hilarious writer, Brittany Gibbons aka Barefoot Foodie! I asked Brittany to guest post when we were drinking Hurricanes in New Orleans and little did she know that I was lucid enough to remember she said “yes.” (In yo FACE!) Anyway, thank you so, so much for joining us today, Brittany—you look super adorable in your housewife apron and curlers. You really do. — Wendi

 

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend hates my best friends. He can’t stand them and doesn’t want to meet them. I’m not entirely sure what the issue is because he won’t say except to be sarcastic about it all. He says mean things about them. This means that the two of us can never go out with my friends for drinks and stuff, and if i do it alone, I end up feeling guilty for meeting them. Oh, and he’s 16 yrs older than me. And my best friends are both guys.

Cheers,

Fed Up

__________________

Dear Fed Up,

Funny thing about penises. If you get two or more together, they get super jealous and territorial (hence, the peeing all over everything), and if the only common element in their relationship is a vagina, they feel the need to duel to the death. Or, you know, act like giant babies.

The thing is, they are still riding high from the whole “I invented FIRE” thing, so they think they are entitled to drag their knuckles around claiming ownership of whatever they can club with their bat. Unfortunately, that’s you.
Not, like, literally…this analogy has gotten uncomfortable.   I fell asleep watching the Chris Brown E! True Hollywood Story. Circling back around to you.

You have a boyfriend who is 16 years older, and in his mind, you have two young, virile lads who pretend to be your best friends, but really, are secretly trying to sleep with you. Constantly. Guys and girls can’t just be friends.

That’s a real thing. Have you never seen When Harry Met Sally?! Were you raised by wolves or hippies? That saying is on every page of the handbook all boys are given in junior high health class. Girls go off and learn about fallopian tubes, boys learn about gym socks and the dog eat dog world of second base.

This is a really hard mentality to break (bark collars do not work, trust this), and it sounds like your man may have a few insecurities issues. First, is this relationship worth possibly losing your best friends over? No? Ok, then this gig is way easier than I expected.

But, if your answer is yes, and you want to keep moving forward and try to make this whole thing work, you’ve got to get these 3 men together. And, when you do, it wouldn’t hurt laying on the flirty, lovey dovey stuff pretty thick, just to prove to your boyfriend he is the one you want to sleep with, and it will make him feel happy and secure, and like, I don’t know, he won.

Because everything’s a contest with these guys. (Put your rulers away, boys.)

Bonus points if you can fix your guy friends up with dates to relieve some of the perceived sexual tension.

Hopefully, over time, you boyfriend will see there is no threat being posed and be okay with your friendship, and oh hey, maybe they’ll all hit it off so well, you’ll start considering plural marriage.

Brother husbands. No? Just me? A girl can dream.

Sincerely,

Brittany, Guest TMH

 

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18 May
Missing The Grand Ole Oprah

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am so sad that Oprah is ending her show! I feel like it’s an end of an era and I’m in mourning. Is that normal and do you have any tips to help me get through this?

Signed,

I Want The Big O

_________________________

Dear I Want The Big O,

Before I answer your question, I have a confession to make: I really don’t like Oprah. In fact, I find her to be boastful, overbearing and pomp…wait a sec. Is someone breaking into my house?……………..was that glass shattering? adn ll;kae,……

888888888888888

HELP ME!!!!! GAYLE KING IS HITTING ME WITH A PIPE AND >>>>>>>el;aifeak

XO-93———————STOP CHOKING ME NATE BERKUS! STOP!!!!! 9)FJ(DDF(E/M<CC<       EAT SH*T AND DIE, SUZY ORMAN! NO, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT! !:PUT DOWN THE RIFLE!!!!! I’M SORRY!!!!!!! I’LL READ “THE SECRET”!!! I PROMISE!!! K ;K;;;;;;;VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>HOLY SHIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SYRINGE, DR. OZ!?!?!?

___((FE++FE=(whimper)……………………………

As I was saying, I am a huge, HUGE fan of Oprah and like the rest of the world, I’ll certainly spiral into a pit of depression when her absolute genius and common-folk touch are no longer around to make my pathetic life worth living. So “yes,” I’d say it’s completely normal for you to feel sad about her departure. It’s pretty much a death in the family, only the dead person now owns a basic cable network that airs Dr. Phil shows from 2003. I’m tearing up just thinking of it. (But that also might be from whatever it was that Dr. Oz just injected into my neck.)

As far as tips to get you through this, the first thing you should do is watch this. The second thing you should do is, well, get a grip. Because here’s my crazy theory: I predict that after a few years out of the spotlight, Oprah’s going to triumphantly return to us. Fat Oprah or Thin Oprah, I don’t yet know, but just like The Terminator, fire ants and the human papillomavirus, there’s no way to keep her away for good.

In the meantime, I advise you to cover your television in a black shroud for a period of seven days. Then, after you’ve gone through the Five Stages of Grief, lift off the shroud and put on a nice, entertaining movie to take your mind off Oprah. A comedy, a love story, or maybe even something starring everyone’s favorite movie star, John Tra–VOLTA!

Yours In Sympathy,

Wendi, TMH

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17 May
Mouthing Off: Sketchers Shape-ups for Girls

It’s time for another edition of “Mouthing Off!” where we get to express our outrage at something going on in the news. Because honestly, it’s just not healthy for a Mouthy Housewife to keep her feelings all bottled up inside. We know you’ll agree.

This week we are talking about Sketchers who make Shape-Ups — sneakers intended to tone your thigh, stomach and buttock muscles. Thankfully, Sketchers came to the conclusion that it’s not just women who want to be buff.   But young girls too! Now Sketchers makes Shape-Ups for girls as young as 7 years-old because we are so sick of their flabby bums.

And the very very very best part — they don’t make them for boys!! Because we all know that boys are allowed to just run around in normal sneakers and have fun. But girls must start toning those abdominal muscles, tightening that ass and firming up those thighs as young as possible.

This product makes me so nauseated that I want to march over to the Sketchers headquarters which I can only assume is located in We Are Morons, USA and tell them that magazines and television are doing enough to rip apart the self esteem of young girls, that we don’t need any additional help from a dumb sneaker company.

The company contends that Shape-Ups are only intended to promote exercise and fitness. So I guess, since they only target girls, they are hoping our young boys turn into a bunch of chip eating, beer guzzling couch potatoes.

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