21 Apr
Playdate Politics: Did You Just Reprimand MY Kid?!

It’s guest post Thursday around these parts! And we are delighted to have Tonya of ad hoc Mom. Tonya is a super funny fabulous gal who I would definitely invite to a dinner party if you know, I threw dinner parties. Take it away Tonya!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Let’s say you’re at a friend’s house and your kid does something irritating, annoying, or just wrong. You correct/reprimand your child, because that’s part of a parent’s job. But then your friend chimes in and reprimands your child right after you. What the?? I know it’s their house and all, but it was handled! How do you work up the guts to turn to your friend and say, “I just handled it, thank you.” Or do you even do that?

Signed,

Not a Slacker Mom

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Dear Not a Slacker Mom,

First off, kudos to you for actually parenting and reining in what some shrug off as simply “child creative expression” but is in reality the child deleting all the damn files off my computer and then letting the dog run loose (and we don’t even have a dog) and then…oh wait…sorry, that was my kid, back to yours…

Let me state that this situation has happened to me so I can definitely tell you what NOT to do:

Do not say “Does mommy have to cut a bitch?” in response to your friend’s admonishments.

Do not decide that your friend’s desire to reprimand your child is an implied wish to take care of him/her for the weekend and hightail it to Vegas ASAP.

Do not sit quietly allowing your friend to infringe on your responsibilities, as this will simply manifest itself as latent anger that will wake you up at 4 a.m. and force you to register said friend for Bedwetters Monthly, The Mel Gibson Fan Club and Charlie Sheen’s Winners Circle Book Club.

Instead, explain to your friend that her friendship means a lot to you, that you really value her opinions and you really appreciate how much she cares for your child.   However, you are trying really hard to make sure your child sees you as the authority figure in this parent-child tête-à-tête so it’s important that you are the one to reprimand him/her.

Make sure that if your child does something you aren’t aware of (mine usually likes to grab a sharpie and draw on the cat when my gaze is elsewhere) that she is free and encouraged, even, to bring this situation to your attention and you will handle it.

Signed Tonya, ad hoc MOM

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I want to win! Oh wait, I can’t. Okay, here’s how you enter.

1. Leave a comment and make sure you mention “Silver Diva.”

2. You must also become a Facebook fan of The Silver Diva

3. And if you haven’t done so already, a Facebook fan of The Mouthy Housewives.

That’s it. Just three easy steps. Good luck, ladies!!

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20 Apr
I’ll Have Kids When I Damn Well Please

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My family and friends have, for some reason, decided that my reproduction plans are very much their business, and they constantly pester my husband and me about WHEN we’re FINALLY going to have babies!? (We have only been married 3 years).

The thing is 1) We’re not ready yet and have a pretty awesome marriage without kids for now, 2) I’m still young enough that everything will be quite intact in the baby-making department for several more years and 3) Even if we were trying, I wouldn’t be telling anybody about it.

To make matters even worse, every time I’m nauseated, tired, or dizzy, they jump all over me with a “Maybe you’re PREGNANT!” which I am not.

Anyway, since I assume that “We’re just waiting because we’re concerned we’ll get one as ugly as yours” is an inappropriate response to this question, how should I respond to the “loving” people in my life when they won’t leave me alone about procreating?

Signed,

I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated.

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Dear I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated,

Oh, just go ahead and get pregnant. Why are you being so selfish? It’s the least you can do for your loved ones.   Of course, they won’t be satisfied with just ONE. So you’ll need to have a few more.

Then you can spend 12 hours a day wiping noses, doing laundry, filling the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher, realizing you never turned on the dishwasher in the first place so you’ll have to load it back up again, picking food off the floor, listening to whining, whining yourself, yelling, breaking up sibling fights, changing diapers, removing stickers from the dining room table, preparing meals and generally hiding from children.

Sure, you’ll be exhausted. And you probably won’t be able to remember that last time you and your husband had an evening out. But at least your great Aunt Liza will be happy.

OR tell everyone to suck it. Politely.

And give them a fabricated time line. Explain to your family and friends that you have decided to wait at least two more years before even trying to get pregnant. That should give you a sufficient amount of breathing room.

And when you’re nauseated, tell them it’s from eating too many rocky mountain oysters (bull testicles).

And when you’re tired, it’s from watching too many late night pornos and attending swinger parties.

And when you’re dizzy, it’s from sniffing a dozen bottles of Elmer’s Rubber Cement.

They’ll be way too concerned about your well being to even think about procreation.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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A Mouthy Housewives Giveaway!!!

The Silver Diva, which sells oh-so-sweet handmade personalized jewelry for moms and other family members, is giving away a $50 gift certificate to one lucky Mouthy Housewives reader. How amazing is that?! You will just love this jewelry. A beautiful way to keep your children’s names close to your heart or even just a way to actually remember their names.

I want to win! Oh wait, I can’t. Okay, here’s how you enter.

1. Leave a comment and make sure you mention “Silver Diva.”

2. You must also become a Facebook fan of The Silver Diva

3. And if you haven’t done so already, a Facebook fan of The Mouthy Housewives.

That’s it. Just three easy steps. Good luck, ladies!!

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19 Apr
Sock it to Me, You Lazy Bastard

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a great husband, but it seems that because I have a vagina, I’m required by nature to pick up after him—even if I also work full time. Recently, I chose to protest my disgust for him taking off his nasty socks and leaving them on the living room floor by not touching them and guess what? Two days later they’re still there in a pile while the rest of the house smells nice and fresh.

I shouldn’t back down on this one, right? I mean, they can pile up for all I care. Or am I going too far?

Signed,

Tired of Being a Sock Puppet

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Dear Tired of Being a Sock Puppet,

FADE IN:

INT. WINDSOR CASTLE, THE YEAR 2015

We open on PRINCE WILLIAM and PRINCESS CATHERINE sipping tea in the castle’s opulent drawing room. The couple is dressed in gorgeous, impeccable clothing. Birds sweetly chirp outside as sunlight streams through the sparkling windows. It is a moment of utter refinement and class. Suddenly, Prince William turns his head and notices a huge pile of cashmere socks in the corner. He wrinkles his perfect nose in disgust and turns lovingly to his betrothed.

PRINCE WILLIAM
Why, whatever is that vile smell in the air, darling?

PRINCESS CATHERINE
It’s your motherf*&#ing bloody socks, you stupid wanker.
Now pick ’em up or I’ll bludgeon you with my shiny crown. Dumbass.

FADE OUT.

The point of that lovely piece of writing is that…okay, there is no point to that lovely piece of writing, I just might have ROYAL WEDDING FEVER!!!! OMG, I BOUGHT A $89 COMMEMORATIVE ASHTRAY OF KATE’S FACE!!! AND A $200 ROYAL WEDDING COFFEE MUG!!! AND I’M EATING BANGERS AND MASH!!!! BLOODY HELL, PEOPLE, I NEED A TRANQUILIZER!!! WHEEEE!!!!!

Anyway, assuming that your husband has all his faculties and is not a high-functioning chimp, he can pick up his own damn socks. Just remain strong and let the stink pile stay on the living room floor until he finally mans up and puts them in the laundry himself. (In psychiatry terms, this is referred to as “a pissing contest.”)

I know it’s no fun, but I urge you to stick to your guns. Because while you married him in sickness and in health, you definitely didn’t marry him to be his mother. Even a princess knows that.

(I JUST BOUGHT A $562 PRINCE WILLIAM GOLF CLUB!!!)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

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18 Apr
No More Screen Time Playdates

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I try really hard to limit TV and computer screen time with my kids. But when I set up playdates for them, I usually find out that they are just watching TV over at their friend’s house. Isn’t the point of a playdate to PLAY with a friend? If I wanted my kid to watch more TV, I could have just kept them home. Why do other parents do this? It makes me crazy. How do I made sure that my kids are actually interacting while on playdates and not just sitting in front of the TV like zombies? I can’t have every playdate at my house.

Signed,

No Screen Mom

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Dear No Screen,

I’ve been where you are now.  And by “you,” I mean “the other parent.”  Because I’ve invited my children’s friends over and yes, I’ve let them watch TV.  I didn’t want to at first, but then my kids told me that the other moms were allowing it, and I just wanted to badly to fit in. I didn’t want to be the one mom who didn’t let the kids watch TV and play video games and therefore be unhip and old and mocked.

Kids like TV.  Parents like to make kids happy.  So imagine my surprise when I learned that there are actual parents who don’t let their children watch TV, and limit screen time in general.

Apparently such mythical creatures really exist.   There have been sightings. Unconfirmed, but still.

If you are  indeed one of them and it is working for your family, that’s great!  But know that you can no more impose what the children do over at someone else’s house than the other parents can dictate what activities you set up for the playdates at your house.   Their house, their rules.  There are limits, of course.  If their rules include target practice, I’d applaud your resistance.  But if it’s an hour of TV, let it go.

From my own watching the kids while they’re watching TV experience, I can tell you that the kids do interact while watching iCarly. It  may inspire them to develop their own web show!  Or at least make snarky comments to each other, laugh together and just hang out.  Sure, screen time is frowned upon by many of today’s experts, but I was weaned on Little House on the Prairie and Eight is Enough and I’m a perfectly well-adjusted adult. With four TVs in my home, but still.

Of course there is nothing wrong with telling the other parents that you are limiting screen time and asking for their support.  A simple, “I prefer that Jack doesn’t watch TV during the week” when setting up a playdate is an easy way to alert the host to the issue. If she picks up on your cues, great.  Otherwise, you’ll have to decide if the TV watching is a playdate deal breaker.

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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14 Apr
My Cleaning Lady is Stealing My Detergent!

Well it’s Thursday and GMHD (that’s Guest Mouthy Housewife Day, for those of you who are not fluent in slacking.)  Today, we’re lucky to have Kristine from Wait in the Van (my favorite new humor find) giving advice, and believe me, she doesn’t water things down.  And this is a great time to let you know to take the advice like you take your margarita– with many grains of salts.

Thanks, Kristine. -Marinka

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need an urgent answer please.   My cleaning lady steals detergent and adds water to fill the bottle. How can I catch her and prove this to her? She is a very good cleaner I also don’t want to lost her. Do you have an advice?

Signed,

At Least Turn The Water Into Wine

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Dear At Least,

Hoo-boy! Isn’t this a pickle! (But, let me get something straight, because I’m working with the understanding that the cleaning lady is SUPPOSED to use your detergent.) Are we assuming that she’s also taking some for herself and diluting the rest? And you’re discovering this when you go to use the detergent yourself? The very detergent that you’re paying SOMEONE ELSE to use for you?

I think the short answer is this: stop micromanaging! I mean, this is the cleaning lady’s territory, right? Maybe the detergent you’ve purchased is too strong. Or maybe she’s doing it for the sake of the environment. Or…or…or, maybe she’s trying to save you money so that you can afford to give her a better rate!

Of course, she might be just stealing it because she needs some. Which, makes me fell bad for her, really, because how ironic is THAT lifestyle? Cleaning the homes of other people, only to be stuck without the means to get detergent to clean your own home!?

::sob::

But I digress. If you’re looking to actually penalize this woman for something that seems relatively harmless, sad, and heartbreaking, I think what you need to do is pull a classic switcheroo. (You may have also heard it referred to as “the old switcheroo.”) Anyhow. What you should do is fill your  water bottles with  detergent. Eh? Eh? THIS WAY, when she goes to get a drink after scrubbing your house down for you, she’ll be all  What the…THIS ISN’T WATER! And maybe even, I THINK MY THROAT IS CLOSING UP! If that doesn’t give her the hint, I’m not sure what will.

Good luck and godspeed, my friend! (You have a good lawyer, right?),

Kristine, Guest TMH

 

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