28 Apr
Why You Should Give a Royal Sh*t About the Wedding of the Century

Here at The Mouthy Housewives, we are nothing if not Royal. But this week we’ve been busy producing our birth certificates and banishing the images of Donald Trump’s hair from our psyches. So we’ve had to turn to our lovely friend Amy of The Bitchin’ Wives Club, who happens to live just across the pond, for her guidance. See, some people don’t seem to care about the Royal Wedding. Which is wrong. So wrong. Here’s why!

I find it hard to believe, but I hear that there are still some people who say they don’t care about Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday. With the media in a full froth, revealing new details and aspects of the royal wedding daily (hourly, actually), it seems to me that, by now, any American who says they aren’t the slightest bit interested in Kate and Wils is either (a) lying, (b) a man, particularly one who hasn’t seen the photo of Kate in lingerie; or (c) cynical beyond repair.

Our culture has so ingrained the Princess story-line into the national psyche via movies, soap operas, and merchandising that I daresay it is almost impossible to find a girl in America who hasn’t secretly dreamed of snaring herself some kind of Royal when she grows up (or at the very least bedding a Brit, for the not-so-ambitious skanks out there). Hell, even a 30-something, twice-divorced, still married woman can cling to the dream, if one is to hold up  Wallis Simpson
as inspiration.

So, basically, what I’m saying is that anyone who honestly doesn’t care about the Royal Wedding and thinks that everyone in America should just get over it and give up on the monarchy and the whole idea of Prince Charming… would be responsible for the downfall of pretty much the entire entertainment industry as we know it.

Especially Disney. And if that happened, what would all the little girls wear for Halloween?! Following that logic, anyone suffering from Royal ambivalence is actually un-American, because what’s more American than Disney and Hollywood? So, that, my friends, is why you should totally care about the Royal Wedding and set your DVRs accordingly.

Toodles,

Amy, Guest TMH

source

25 Comments <-- Click to comment

27 Apr
Is Watching TV the Same as a Social Life?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Can you give me suggestions of what middle-age(ish) people do for fun? I’m now too old for bar hopping yet too young for shuffleboard. Our kids are old enough that we can start reclaiming some of our life but not old enough to leave them at home alone. Right now our list of Fun Things To Do includes work 10 hour days, wash dishes, veg out to “Myth Busters” and sleep. Obviously we need serious help.

Signed,

Middle Aged But Not Dead

_________________________________

Dear Middle Aged But Not Dead,

I’m so glad you’re not dead. Or else it would be weird giving you advice.

The question really isn’t what do middle-age(ish) people do for fun. But really, what do YOU like to do for fun?   What is on that bucket list of yours?   Don’t pick something like “Swimming nude with the sharks and Jonah Hill off Australia’s Gold Coast” since that takes a lot of logistical planning and you’ll be so overwhelmed that you’ll never get off the couch. But what can you remember doing like a billion years ago (pre-kids) that brought you some joy?

How about going out to dinner, the movies or the local community theater? Go roller skating, play miniature golf or check out an arcade (I bet you can still kick ass at Pac Man). How about playing tennis, throwing a dinner party, hitting an art gallery, taking dance lessons or a cooking class, wine tasting or scrap booking. Go get a makeover at a local department store. Meander around a bookstore. Make your own beer. Plant a garden. Try yoga. Swing dancing. Think outside the TV box.

I know you said your children can’t be left alone but they have these really cool things called babysitters. You check their references, they come to your house, they put your kids to bed, they make sure the house doesn’t burn down, they eat all your food, they mistakenly delete your latest episode of “Friday Night Lights,” they hopefully don’t drink your Chardonnay, and then you come home and pay them!

It’s brilliant.

SO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Set your DVR to record “Myth Busters” and have some fun. And remember – no one is ever too old to bar hop. Or at least that’s what Marinka and Wendi told me.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH
_____________________________

One of the Friends of the Mouthy Housewives, the wonderful Amy Wilson, just had her book “When Did I Get Like This?” come out in paperback! We all really love this funny book and think you should each buy 10 copies of it. DO IT!

2 Comments <-- Click to comment

26 Apr
Here Comes Peter Cottontail! Oh, Wait. It’s My Mom.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Yesterday my younger daughter, who is 7, asked me if the Easter Bunny was real because her lovely classmate informed her it was not. I distracted her and didn’t really answer. I’m not worried about the Easter Bunny so much, but she will then want to know about Santa and I’m not ready for that. But I don’t want her not to trust me. Okay, I realize this is not earth-shattering stuff—but she is my baby. Help!

Signed,

Don’t Kill the Bunny Just Yet

_________________________

Dear Don’t Kill the Bunny,

One of the things we pride ourselves on at The Mouthy Housewives is our punctuality, as evidenced by the fact that I’m answering your Easter bunny question a full two days after Easter. Huzzah!

Therefore, since you probably already worked this out on your own, I’m just going to go put on some fat pants and watch a little Telemundo while…wait. What’s that, Marinka? Either answer this or you and Kelcey will make me take the next 20 “Facebook is ruining my life” questions? And the next 25 “My Mother-in-Law is ruining my life” questions?   And then I have to clean out the Mouthy Housewives horse stables at our East Hampton estate?

Crap.

Alright, here’s my two cents: If your kid is smart enough to open a door without hurting herself, she’s probably already figured out that a magical bunny doesn’t really hide eggs around the world in a single night. (No opposable thumbs, airline blackout dates, he needs to have sex every two minutes—those bunnies have mega issues.)

She probably also suspects that a fat man in a red suit isn’t really able to chimney dive every December 24th, and that’s why her classmate’s announcement planted a seed of doubt in her head. However, since logic has no place when it comes to getting presents, maybe your daughter will still be happy to believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny until she’s 30. (I had a cousin like that.) (She wasn’t allowed to hold sharp objects.)

That’s why I advise you to answer, “He is to me!” when she asks you if Santa’s real. Yes, that’s a little slippery, but it’s not lying and it’ll buy you some time until you’re both ready to to give up this fun, magical part of her childhood.

And then maybe you can finally tell her that Tori Spelling’s boobs aren’t real, either.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

_____________

One of the Friends of the Mouthy Housewives, the wonderful Amy Wilson, just had her book “When Did I Get Like This?” come out in paperback! We all really love this funny book and think you should each buy 10 copies of it. DO IT!

17 Comments <-- Click to comment

25 Apr
My Husband’s Acting Nuts

Welcome to Guest Mouthy Friday! On a Monday!  TGIM! Today’s Guest Mouthy Housewife is the very wonderful, beautiful and talented Stacy Morrison, who wrote one of our very favorite memoirs, Falling Apart in One Piece.   The Mouthy Housewives got to spend time with Stacy at Mom 2.0 conference last weekend and we all give her our very enthusiastic Seal of Approval. So get the book, check out Stacy’s website and enjoy her advice!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband works in banking and makes a good living. He just turned 40 and is now having some kind of midlife crisis because suddenly he wants to leave the finance industry and pursue his dream of becoming an actor. I want support him but this would mean a major change is how we live our lives. And who becomes an actor at 40?

Signed, He’s No Brad Pitt

___________________________________

Dear Mrs. Not Brad  Pitt,

First off, count your blessings that your husband is the creative type. If he weren’t he would have announced his midlife crisis by going out and finding a 22-year old girlfriend to drive around the neighborhood on his new crotch-rocket motorcyle, so things could be worse. And much more publicly humiliating.

Second, I have to call your judgment about your husband’s potential into question: Haven’t you noticed that ugly men get more attractive as they age? Now wait-I’m not saying your husband is ugly, I’m just saying, have you been the the movies lately? All we can see for miles are unapologetic crags and deep naso-labial folds, receding hairlines and those curious, creepy face fungi (aka age spots) that men are allowed to have. In fact, I bet your husband isn’t old enough to be an actor yet!

That means you have some time to work this all out. Tell him he’ll have to wait until he looks like Clint Eastwood, and in the meantime, why not have a real conversation about what’s really going on with your husband?  If you suddenly decided you’d missed your chance in life to be a novelist, a cancer researcher or Vanna White, wouldn’t you want him to give you and your dream more than lip service?

That’s the point of being partners: to help each other become the person you’re meant to be! Not to get stifled by financial arrangements that define us for the rest of our lives, slowly sucking our soul out one little drop at a time, until we’re empty enough to appear on The Real Housewives. (I’m sure that’s not you, but you know what I mean.)

Change is scary. Aging is scary. And come to think of it, life is kinda scary these days, too (been reading the newspapers lately?). So instead of panicking, focus on your connection and trust, and work together to figure out in what little way he can follow his dreams-acting class at night? take the summer off and do repertory in the Berkshires?-without making you feel like you’re living a nightmare. These kinds of life changes happen a little at a time, and he might change his mind. And who knows? Maybe he’ll be the one-in-a-million lucky guy and you’ll be on his arm at the Oscars in three years wearing a fab new diamond necklace. Wouldn’t you feel terrible if you robbed yourself of that experience?

Sincerely,

Stacy, Guest TMH

14 Comments <-- Click to comment

22 Apr
Mouthing Off: Drunk Toddlers!

Introducing a brand new feature on The Mouthy Housewives called “Mouthing Off!” Because we have (very strong) opinions on (the most ridiculous) current events, this is where we’ll share our thoughts with you. Good God, are you lucky or what?!

First up, drunk toddlers at chain restaurants! What do we think about that shizznit?   Keep reading!

_____

Have you been reading the news?  This week Chili’s joined the craze that’s sweeping the nation and served alcohol to a kid.  Specifically, a mudslide concoction, containing vodka and Kahlua, to a 4 year old in the Chicago area.  This, of course, comes on the heels of the Olive Garden serving a Florida 2 year old a sangria and Applebee’s, the pioneer, who kicked off the trend by serving a one year old a margarita instead of an apple juice in Michigan.

There’s outrage all around.

First, how stupid are these chain restaurants to have the apple juice dispenser next to the tequila dispenser?     Second, who are these children who will drink anything? One time I tried to dissolve a fish oil capsule in my kid’s orange juice and he practically filed a claim with The Hague. (In my defense, how was I supposed to know that oil wouldn’t mix with OJ and float up to the top, HOW?)   And third, what about the parents?   Surely they’re to blame somehow, too.

Fortunately, all the kids are fine.

But as parents, we must be proactive.

We must taste all of our children’s drinks before they take a sip.

And perhaps peremptorily drink all the alcohol in the eating establishment as soon as we walk in.

It’s the right thing to do. For the children.

________

Have you entered the Mouthy Housewives Giveaway?! You must!!

The Silver Diva, which sells oh-so-sweet handmade personalized jewelry for moms and other family members, is giving away a $50 gift certificate to one lucky Mouthy Housewives reader. How amazing is that?! You will just love this jewelry. A beautiful way to keep your children’s names close to your heart or even just a way to actually remember their names.

I want to win! Oh wait, I can’t. Okay, here’s how you enter.

1. Leave a comment and make sure you mention “Silver Diva.”

2. You must also become a Facebook fan of The Silver Diva

3. And if you haven’t done so already, a Facebook fan of The Mouthy Housewives.

That’s it. Just three easy steps. Good luck, ladies!!

25 Comments <-- Click to comment